Failure to start

SweetSouthernFirecracker · July 2016

My fiancé and I are going on our third time setting a date for our wedding. Life has been pretty rough for us and when push came to shove the wedding gets pushed to the back over much more important and urgent needs. My mother isn't my fiancés biggest fan and with the last few set backs she seems even less inclined. I don't want to plan my wedding without her help but I am so scared of her rejection I dread even asking. We are determined to get married next April. Help!!!

holyguacamole79 · July 2016

Okay, I have a few questions .....

1) Why is your mom not a fan of your FI?
2) You say that "she seems even less inclined" .... inclined to do what?

SweetSouthernFirecracker · July 2016

1) my mother would rather me be with a quiet college graduate who doesn't party and makes more than enough to support me in a high lifestyle and keeps me in the small little town I grew up in. Yes I know this for a fact because she wanted to set me up with a family friend and that was her reason. In fact when she found out that guy did everything a typical college mail does she got upset and was "happy I didn't start dating him".

My fiancé is nothing like that but he is my match in almost everyway. He truly is my better half but we are very private so she never sees our personal struggles and conversations to understand. She judges him based on her prejudices against his upbringing and lack of higher education.

2) she is even less inclined to help me plan anything. She has not asked about anything that I want or asked if she could help. I feel like I shouldn't have to beg my mother for help.

DrillSergeantCat · July 2016

Why do you need her help? My mom has helped with exactly two things - picking my dress and picking my veil.

holyguacamole79 · July 2016

SadieTEK said:

1) my mother would rather me be with a quiet college graduate who doesn't party and makes more than enough to support me in a high lifestyle and keeps me in the small little town I grew up in. Yes I know this for a fact because she wanted to set me up with a family friend and that was her reason. In fact when she found out that guy did everything a typical college mail does she got upset and was "happy I didn't start dating him".
My fiancé is nothing like that but he is my match in almost everyway. He truly is my better half but we are very private so she never sees our personal struggles and conversations to understand. She judges him based on her prejudices against his upbringing and lack of higher education.
2) she is even less inclined to help me plan anything. She has not asked about anything that I want or asked if she could help. I feel like I shouldn't have to beg my mother for help.

Regarding your mom's help, I can appreciate what you desire. Technically the responsibility of planning your wedding is yours and your FIs. Perhaps you can invite her to join you at looking at a venue or dress shopping? Don't explicitly ask for help; let her know that her opinion is important and you want to spend time with her. If she doesn't respond to that, you'll have to move on.

glasgowtolondon · July 2016

SadieTEK said:

My fiancé and I are going on our third time setting a date for our wedding. Life has been pretty rough for us and when push came to shove the wedding gets pushed to the back over much more important and urgent needs. My mother isn't my fiancés biggest fan and with the last few set backs she seems even less inclined. I don't want to plan my wedding without her help but I am so scared of her rejection I dread even asking. We are determined to get married next April. Help!!!

Then start planning your wedding for next April. Your mum will either get involved as she sees you are serious, or she won't. That really sucks, but you can't make her. The more you let her hold this power over you the more she will wield it.

CMGragain · July 2016

SadieTEK said:

My fiancé and I are going on our third time setting a date for our wedding. Life has been pretty rough for us and when push came to shove the wedding gets pushed to the back over much more important and urgent needs. My mother isn't my fiancés biggest fan and with the last few set backs she seems even less inclined. I don't want to plan my wedding without her help but I am so scared of her rejection I dread even asking. We are determined to get married next April. Help!!!

???? I don't understand what keeps you from getting married. All you need is an officiant, a license, and some witnesses. Are you waiting for your mother to change into a different person? She won't.

SP29 · July 2016

While I understand the desire to have your mother involved, you can't make her be involved. At the end of the day, the only people responsible for planning your wedding are you and your fiance.

If you want to get married in April, then plan for April. I agree to invite your mom to events, such as dress shopping, or ask her opinion on flowers, but if she's not interested or declines, unfortunately you'll have to let it go. You can't postpone your life plans with your fiance pending what your mother thinks. Enjoy the process with your fiance!

SP29 · July 2016

CMGragain said:

SadieTEK said:

My fiancé and I are going on our third time setting a date for our wedding. Life has been pretty rough for us and when push came to shove the wedding gets pushed to the back over much more important and urgent needs. My mother isn't my fiancés biggest fan and with the last few set backs she seems even less inclined. I don't want to plan my wedding without her help but I am so scared of her rejection I dread even asking. We are determined to get married next April. Help!!!

???? I don't understand what keeps you from getting married. All you need is an officiant, a license, and some witnesses. Are you waiting for your mother to change into a different person? She won't.

I think this is only for the OP and her fiance to decide. While what you say is true, lots of people postpone other life events over getting married or wait to get married to have the wedding they want.

AddieCake · July 2016

You can't let your mother's disinterest in helping you plan preclude you from going ahead and planning. Do you want to get married? Then start planning a wedding so you can be.

SweetSouthernFirecracker · July 2016

Its more of that we want a family wedding and that's a lot of stress for me to handle the Fi is completely lost and both of my bridesmaids have full time jobs like me. I want me mother to help me navigate the list of which family members I need to invite and who can be cut. I also believe its tradition for the brides family to help pay for the wedding as well, and they did help pay for my brothers wedding and originally they said they would be willing to help. Its hard to plan anything concrete when you don't know your actual budget.

glasgowtolondon · July 2016

SweetSouthernFirecracker said:

Its more of that we want a family wedding and that's a lot of stress for me to handle the Fi is completely lost and both of my bridesmaids have full time jobs like me. I want me mother to help me navigate the list of which family members I need to invite and who can be cut. I also believe its tradition for the brides family to help pay for the wedding as well, and they did help pay for my brothers wedding and originally they said they would be willing to help. Its hard to plan anything concrete when you don't know your actual budget.

In the nicest way possible....your budget is whatever you and FI can afford to pay unless someone else has generously offered you money. This is your wedding, no-one else is obligated to pay for any of it. The fact that they paid towards someone elses is irrelevant. Time to sit down with FI and crunch the numbers.

Eta: just reread that your parents initially offered to help with help with costs. They may or may not come through with that and it may never be enough to cover the type of wedding you want. Truly the best plan is to work out your own finances and what your own budget would be, then if yr parents offer to help then great. If not...well you can still afford your wedding.

If your mum won't tell you who she wants to invite then you and FI plan your list as you see fit - trust me, it really is better that way anyway. Your bridesmaids (how do you have bridesmaids already when you havent even decided whether or not to get married yet?) are not responsible for helping you, nor is your mum, but your FI absolutely is. If he is lost you can guide him, but if he is unwilling to get involved then thats a problem with bigger implications than just your wedding.

ericasm0703 · July 2016

SweetSouthernFirecracker said:

Its more of that we want a family wedding and that's a lot of stress for me to handle the Fi is completely lost and both of my bridesmaids have full time jobs like me. I want me mother to help me navigate the list of which family members I need to invite and who can be cut. I also believe its tradition for the brides family to help pay for the wedding as well, and they did help pay for my brothers wedding and originally they said they would be willing to help. Its hard to plan anything concrete when you don't know your actual budget.

Irrelevant. You need to plan the wedding that you would have if you and your fiancé were the ones footing the entire bill. It's not fair to expect someone else to help you financially just because they helped someone else. Nobody is responsible for helping you plan your wedding besides your fiancé. My fiancé barely has a clue about weddings, but he does have opinions about things and he does voice them. You can try to invite your mom to different things, but she'll be as involved as she wants to be and there's really nothing that you can do about that.

MobKaz · July 2016

The good news is that if you do not receive any money from your parents, then you are under NO obligation to please them with any of your planning or guest list.

You and your FI need to decide how much money you can afford to spend on a wedding. Then you need to come up with a guest list of people you deem important and vital to your day. Once you have those two numbers, you can begin to look at venues and options. Once you have made a decision, you can bring the information to your parents if you so choose. Decide beforehand with your FI whether you are willing to alter any of these plans if mom is unhappy. "Mom. FI and I have chosen to have our wedding "here", on this day. We plan on serving "this". We are inviting these guests."

If, at that time, mom wants to add to the guest list, you can then say, "Mom, we can only accommodate those additional guests if you are willing to contribute the finances to make that happen". (This is appropriate to add since your parents have expressed a willingness to help financially.)

Your FI needs to find a way to get himself "unlost" and start helping. In the most simplistic terms, take the "wedding" piece out of the equation for the moment. You are planning a party. It can be as simple as snacks, cake, and beverages in the mid afternoon, a morning brunch, or a sit down dinner.

The women on these boards love weddings and will do all they can to help you plan the best wedding within your budget. You can ask posters from your local board about specific venues and other vendors. You can pose questions on the budget and DIY boards that we will be happy to answer. You need to take the first step and help yourself.

SP29 · July 2016

TheKnot has a good wedding checklist you can find online here. It details the tasks you need to accomplish (it is thorough, you can delete items) and gives you a date to do them by. That's a good place to start.

First you need a budget then you create your guest list. Then you find a venue and style to accommodate the both. Bring FI with you to appointments and ask his opinion. Give him specific tasks to accomplish.

Because your parents previously offered to contribute, I think it is OK to bring the topic up again (once). "Mom/Dad, we are planning our wedding for April 2017 and our budget is currently X. We are making a guest list and then going to look at venues. You previously offered help- does that still stand?"

Honestly though, it will be easier on you both to plan the wedding you want that you can afford with the guests you want. If mom and dad gift you money later- great! You can either upgrade something or keep your money in savings.

CMGragain · July 2016

Many of the couples on The Knot have paid for their own weddings. The days when the bride's family paid for the wedding is long gone, along with the simple cake and punch ceremonies that used to be the norm for weddings. Today, it is unusual for the brides family to pay for the wedding.

I think the others are right. You should plan your wedding yourselves within what you can afford. If your families decide to help out later, that is fine, but don't count on it.

Wedding priorities:

1. Private ceremony with the couple, officiant, and legal witnesses. This can be done anywhere - city hall or a pretty garden.

2. Invite guests. Now you need to have a reception for those guests. Cake and punch in the afternoon is still very proper. You will need written invitations and a venue that has chairs for all of your guests. Is church an option?

3. Morning ceremony with brunch reception. You will probably want a formal wedding dress and veil, suit for the groom, attendants, music. Flowers are nice. I would definitely have a photographer because you will want those photos. This style of wedding costs about half of what a dinner reception costs, and you are still serving people a full meal.

4. Late afternoon or evening ceremony with dinner reception. Now we are talking big bucks. You probably want a DJ, alcohol, dancing, tuxedos for the men, maybe a limousine. Make sure that you can afford this if you really want to do it.

themosthappy91 · July 2016

I feel for you OP- it sucks that your mom isn't more interested in helping with the planning stuff. I really think you have to change your expectations of what her role is going to be though if you don't want to end up frustrated and disappointed through the whole process.

I'm of the opinion- and others here will disagree with me- that if a general offer of money has been made and you have a good, open relationship with your mom it's okay to casually ask her if that offer still stands and what exactly it entails, like a PP already mentioned.

The thing is, if she balks at all- evades the question, isn't willing to give a specific number, is generally vague etc.- I think you have to take that as a "no" and plan the wedding you and FI can afford by yourselves. Don't press it and don't bring it up again- if she really wants to and is able to contribute she'll say so right away, and if she doesn't do that that means she either can't or doesn't care to pay for whatever reason.

I also have to add- I'd be wary of accepting her money even if it's offered based on her dislike of your FI. Money is only going to further stress that dynamic and I'd be more worried about addressing her issues with FI than any of this wedding stuff.

As for the other aspects of planning... I think you just need to accept she's not interested and let yourself be pleasantly surprised if she gets more involved later.

AddieCake · July 2016

If and only IF she has said in the past that she would contribute, you need to straight up ask her how much that's going to be. Like TheMostHappy said, if she evades or balks at all, you need to move forward as if you will not receive any financial help from her.

zitiqueen · July 2016

SweetSouthernFirecracker said:

Its more of that we want a family wedding and that's a lot of stress for me to handle the Fi is completely lost and both of my bridesmaids have full time jobs like me. I want me mother to help me navigate the list of which family members I need to invite and who can be cut. I also believe its tradition for the brides family to help pay for the wedding as well, and they did help pay for my brothers wedding and originally they said they would be willing to help. Its hard to plan anything concrete when you don't know your actual budget.

Can you explain the bolded?

photokitty · July 2016

Are any of the reasons you have postponed the wedding 3 times, red flags that are causing your mother to be concerned? Are these much more avid urgent needs red flags you could be ignoring?

If you don't believe them to be - move forward, plan the wedding you can afford with your FI, and hope that you mom shows interest when you invite her to appointments or ask her advice.

Does your FI work? You mention you have a full time job, as do your bridesmaids, but don't mention him having one. Is this a concern of your mother's and a reason for the prior postponing?

SweetSouthernFirecracker · July 2016

ok maybe I didn't explain right. Its not the actually "planning" planning I need help with I have most of the basic details set. It's finding the right vendors and meeting with people. Wanting the support of my mother as well as her opinion if I'm being cheated. And its been family health that has caused most of the set backs. The red flags my mom has are based off of prejudice and stubbornness and not actual facts. We have talked about her issues with the Fi before.

I come from a very southern tightknit family. Planning weddings is a family affair usually the family offers nothing more that opinions and contacts but its still an integral part in making the experience memorable and wonderful.

STARMOON44 · July 2016

Research your own vendors if you want to get married.

lc07 · July 2016

I recommend planning on your and FI's budget only and hiring a wedding planner to navigate the planning. They can help you with contract negotiations. Mom will either get on board or not. But I would do my best to have low expectations of mom and not bank my happiness on her behavior.

geebee908 · July 2016

SweetSouthernFirecracker said:

ok maybe I didn't explain right. Its not the actually "planning" planning I need help with I have most of the basic details set. It's finding the right vendors and meeting with people. Wanting the support of my mother as well as her opinion if I'm being cheated. And its been family health that has caused most of the set backs. The red flags my mom has are based off of prejudice and stubbornness and not actual facts. We have talked about her issues with the Fi before.

I come from a very southern tightknit family. Planning weddings is a family affair usually the family offers nothing more that opinions and contacts but its still an integral part in making the experience memorable and wonderful.

Your experience won't be memorable or wonderful if your mom is set against this. You can't force her to be happy for you, so resign yourself to the fact that you won't have that experience. Make your own happiness by having that experience with someone who does support you-- your fiance.

SweetSouthernFirecracker · July 2016

so either I'm still not explaining myself or everyone else here cared about no one else's opinion but their own. I don't want my mother to do the work for me I want my mothers opinion and to share the memories of this occasion with her. Its the only time I will get married or have anything important that I can actually plan from the ground up. Every other occasion in a persons life all ready has most of the details planned out without you, like graduations or births or baptisms. A wedding is unique and special occasion. Why the hell would I want to exclude one of the people in my life who is supposed to love me unconditionally. Its her accomplishment as well to see her daughter married and happy. Why is it such a bad thing that I want her to be as much a part of it as I do my Fi who by the way has no fashion since what so ever which means the only answers I'll get are "if you that's what you want dear." which is utterly useless as a real opinion

geebee908 · July 2016

SweetSouthernFirecracker said:

so either I'm still not explaining myself or everyone else here cared about no one else's opinion but their own. I don't want my mother to do the work for me I want my mothers opinion and to share the memories of this occasion with her. Its the only time I will get married or have anything important that I can actually plan from the ground up. Every other occasion in a persons life all ready has most of the details planned out without you, like graduations or births or baptisms. A wedding is unique and special occasion. Why the hell would I want to exclude one of the people in my life who is supposed to love me unconditionally. Its her accomplishment as well to see her daughter married and happy. Why is it such a bad thing that I want her to be as much a part of it as I do my Fi who by the way has no fashion since what so ever which means the only answers I'll get are "if you that's what you want dear." which is utterly useless as a real opinion

You told us she isn't inclined to help you with this because she's got reservations about FI. How are you going to change her attitude? You can't; only she can change that. So if she continues to be disinclined to help, how are you going to react to that? That's what you have control over. We're saying that you shouldn't count on an experience that hinges on your mom being excited to help you with this.

redwoodoriginal · July 2016

SweetSouthernFirecracker said:

so either I'm still not explaining myself or everyone else here cared about no one else's opinion but their own. I don't want my mother to do the work for me I want my mothers opinion and to share the memories of this occasion with her. Its the only time I will get married or have anything important that I can actually plan from the ground up. Every other occasion in a persons life all ready has most of the details planned out without you, like graduations or births or baptisms. A wedding is unique and special occasion. Why the hell would I want to exclude one of the people in my life who is supposed to love me unconditionally. Its her accomplishment as well to see her daughter married and happy. Why is it such a bad thing that I want her to be as much a part of it as I do my Fi who by the way has no fashion since what so ever which means the only answers I'll get are "if you that's what you want dear." which is utterly useless as a real opinion

It's not an accomplishment to get married. Accomplishments are graduating high school / college, passing your boards, landing that awesome job, getting a promotion, beating cancer, etc. Planning a party and not being single? Not an accomplishment.

ETA: and, her accomplishment? Oh honey, no. Did parents of people who stay single fail? Not even a little.

Marriage is is not an accomplishment.

http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/9189828.html

AddieCake · July 2016

Not everyone is into planning weddings, and I'm sorry your mom doesn't seem jazzed about it. Be bummed for a hot minute and then move on. It will not help you to dwell on it.

CMGragain · July 2016

SweetSouthernFirecracker said:

so either I'm still not explaining myself or everyone else here cared about no one else's opinion but their own. I don't want my mother to do the work for me I want my mothers opinion and to share the memories of this occasion with her. Its the only time I will get married or have anything important that I can actually plan from the ground up. Every other occasion in a persons life all ready has most of the details planned out without you, like graduations or births or baptisms. A wedding is unique and special occasion. Why the hell would I want to exclude one of the people in my life who is supposed to love me unconditionally. Its her accomplishment as well to see her daughter married and happy. Why is it such a bad thing that I want her to be as much a part of it as I do my Fi who by the way has no fashion since what so ever which means the only answers I'll get are "if you that's what you want dear." which is utterly useless as a real opinion

So you are disappointed in your mother? She is not measuring up to your expectations? I am sorry, but maybe you are expecting too much.

I don't know why your Mom seems to be uninterested in your wedding. Have you asked her?

Lots of brides have mothers who want little to do with their wedding. I was one. I can only advise you to do what I did. Plan your own wedding and keep communication open. If your Mom has an opinion, she will let you know. There are many brides who complain about interfering mothers who want to control everything. Count your blessings.

climbingsingle · July 2016

Getting married is not an accomplishment. Anyone can get married. Having a successful marriage - that's an accomplishment.

I'm not sure what you're looking for here. Your mother in uninterested and not involved. That sucks. I'm sorry. What would you like us to do?

holyguacamole79 · July 2016

You're looking for your mom to be something / someone for you .... and she isn't ready / willing to do it. THAT'S OKAY. You need to let it go and realize that your wedding planning will not be what you dreamed.

Failure to start

Re: Failure to start

Choose Another Board

Search Boards