Some background- my relationship with my Mum has always been strained and I've always had to deal with her making events about her- my graduation, birthdays etc. I moved away from home at 17, and have lived in other countries for most of my adult life.
She hated my ex with a passion and always said that if I married him, she wouldn't attend.
Anyway, after we split, I felt like maybe we could repair the relationship, and I introduced my fiance to them shortly after we met.
She was initially happy to hear we'd got engaged. We're paying for everything, but I wanted her to feel involved and like her opinion mattered, so I consulted her on a lot of things, and also asked her to make the wedding dress. She's picked out all the accessories and shoes etc. to go with it as well. She's got great taste so I'm fine with all of that.
She's asked for some people to be added to the guest list, which I've done, and also demanded my ex (who I'm still close friends with, 3 years later) be removed from the list, or she wouldn't attend. He was OK with this, so I did what she asked.
Anyway, for some reason, she had pictured me getting married in my hometown. Well, actually, it's not even my hometown- we moved here when I was about 8. I haven't lived here in over 10 years, and none of my friends live here. Our extended family live in her hometown elsewhere, so it's not easy for them either.
After some consideration of locations near to her and to my extended family, we found the perfect place nearby where we live, which has special significance to my fiance.
Well, we've never heard the end of it.
She started off by saying the venue was horrible (it's a rustic, outdoor wedding, and I think she was picturing a ballroom and a 3 course meal, which is really not "us" at all) and that all our plans sounded horrible, and everyone would have an awful time.
When we stuck to our guns, she started off with the guilt trip. She's told everyone about how "humiliated" and "rejected" she feels, how she can't believe that I would not get married where they live, and that I'm being so inconsiderate and selfish. (I'm actually thinking that since they are well off and most of my fiance's friends aren't, and also since there are only a handful of people coming from there, it is more considerate to have it where fewer people have to travel.) She keeps telling anyone who will listen about how sorry everyone feels for her, and how embarrassed she is to admit that her daughter doesn't want her to be involved in the planning.
She has said repeatedly that it is "her" day, and doesn't seem to care at all what my fiance wants.
She's even hinted that my fiance must be controlling and making me want to get married in his hometown- which is where we both live.
She's now saying that she and my Dad will attend, but only as guests. She said they will drive home the day of the wedding, and we should not think they will stay the night, make speeches or anything else.
My Dad is refusing to mediate or discuss the subject, and has just sat silently through everything. When I tried to ask his opinion today, my Mum said "If I'm not happy, he's not happy!"
I feel really upset, and like a lot of the fun has been taken out of the planning. My fiance has no contact with his abusive parents, so we only have one set, and although we are getting married away from my hometown (it's about a 3 hour drive) I really did want to feel like I had my parents involvement and support.
I just feel like once again, this has become all about her, and even if it seems selfish, I did want to have one day where it was all about me and my fiance and not have her making a scene by walking out after the ceremony, which is pretty much what she's threatening to do.
Just to clarify, we are paying for everything, she is making my dress and has kindly bought accessories, she has offered to make the flower girl dress, and she also offered to grow some flowers for the tables, as we originally weren't having flowers (I'm allergic, but I can take an antihistamine if it makes her happy!), so we've accepted all her (non-monetary!) contributions- but if we're paying for venue, food etc., it should be our choice no?
Advice, sympathy or similar stories would be much appreciated!