So I'm an @$$...
cowgirl8238
member
A little back story, my co-worker S and I have been working together since I started at my job 3 years ago...we are friends outside of work and generally agree on most topics.
Yesterday S and I were having a discussion about upcoming work at his cubicle. We were not super loud but it was near the end of the day in a fairly empty office so it wasn't whispering either. Anyway we started talking about how my job title has changed and how it was basically thrust upon me as a take it or else scenario (ugh this is a whole other post). This new job is field work and requires working closely with construction crews...which I have done before and wasn't super fond of but its a job and well I need money...
So the topic progressed to how in the past I had some bad experiences with Hispanic workers and sexual harassment in an environment where the management did nothing about it (expect switch my shift and leave him working there as normal). Needless to say I left said job and was expressing to S my feelings about possibly being put in a similar situation again. Then we continue on to how there is a good chance that I will be working with many Hispanics and how I hope nothing bad happens. (I know maybe not the best topic but like I said we are friends and I was thinking at the time).
So I leave work yesterday everything seems fine. I come in this AM and the new(ish) receptionist that replaced me when I went into the field last year is a bit cold, doesn't say her usual good morning. Okay, so maybe its still early. Then I notice the copier needs toner and since she orders it, I ask her if we have more and she gets snippy...so I ask if everything is okay...its not.
ACTUAL IMPORTANT PART:
She asks if we can step outside to talk and I agree since I have no idea what is wrong and am thinking maybe she is having a problem with another coworker and doesn't want anyone else to hear her. She then tells me that when S and I were talking she heard me say negative things about Hispanics and "those people" and that it really upset her. I feel terrible, I start to shake a little as I am horrible with confrontations, especially when I know I fucked up. She goes on to say that she is partially Hispanic and that she is really offended but doesn't want to go to the boss about it because she is worried about her job and mine.
I apologize to her for any misunderstandings and tell her that I meant no offense to her. I say that I will not try to defend anything I said as I don't remember and that I felt that back peddling only undermines the point. Then I said that I am deeply sorry again and that I hope she and I can still work together. She half agrees and then goes back inside.
Now I feel like shit...I know I was wrong. I feel like my boss should know that this happened, but she doesn't want me to say anything. I really didn't mean to be offensive and I understand that our topic of discussion was not work-appropriate...that is most definitely a lesson learned. I don't know what else I should say or do as I feel like trying to defend myself to her will only make it worse...we haven't worked together much and I am honest and truly not a racist (as was accused) or a bad person...I just said something I shouldn't have and acknowledge that fact.
So, should I still mention this to my boss despite her wishes not to? She is still being very short and snippy, do you think it will pass? Is there anything more I should or shouldn't do?
TL/DR: I unintentionally offended a co-worker that is a different race than me while talking to someone else at work (cringe I know!) and she confronted me about it but doesn't want to involve the boss.
Re: So I'm an @$$...
So, I gotta say, you do sound racist. Had your previous harassment issue been with a white person, I doubt you would be all concerned about working with white people.
As far as what to do? I would try to be nice but keep my distance from the coworker you offended. She's right to be offended. All you can do not is try not to say racist shit at work (or at all, ever), regardless of who is or isn't around to hear.
GTFO.
Fair enough...I guess in my mind it didn't connect, but I can see now how it came across. Thank you for the perspective. I really did need to hear that.
I am the one who wants to go to HR though and make it right...I admit that I was wrong and even told her as much...
How can HR make it right, though?
You didn't accidentally door-ding her car and now you give her your insurance to fix it.
You offended her with your racist sweeping generalizations. There isn't a bandaid for this.
Well not to sound stupid or ignorant but what term should I be using? I honestly didn't realize that was offensive as well.
I'd leave it and her alone and maybe try to learn how to not be a fucking racist.
I see your point...I don't know, I guess maybe I just feel like I already fucked up so I should at least own it, and by keeping the boss out of the loop and "leaving it between us" doesn't allow for that? I'm also concerned of this escalating at some point and would rather have it be known now in the early stages that I admit to be insensitive and wrong. I deserve whatever happens, termination or otherwise, and I just feel like I owe her more than an I'm sorry.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/natalie-vie/hispanic-and-latino-mean-to-me_b_8178162.html
You sound extremely racist. This is more than just saying the wrong thing. The things you were saying are racist beliefs.
I could argue this a million times and it won't change the fact that I feel like I should be upfront and honest about it...but you're right I'm just a racist bitch.
Hispanic is a perfectly fine term to use if you're not using it as a racist asshole. IMO.
- a Hispanic.
ETA: I'm not saying you're wrong but for many people it's not a loaded negative word. That's one girl writing an article. She didn't do a study to analyze how people view the word. It's just bizarre to mebc I know many Hispanic people who use the term themselves and many educated, easily offended, and active in minority communities that don't find the word offensive.
Thank you. You're right, I am going to work on this aspect of myself.
The last thing everyone needs is for you to make yourself the victim and feel sorry for you.
Own your shit. Try not to be what you say your are.
ETA: Sure you feel like you should be honest and upfront, but you also feel concerned that Hispanic people will assault you because they are Hispanic. Your feelings are what got you into this in the first place and frankly shouldn't be your concern. This isn't about how you feel.
OP, you do sound racist. What can you do now? Recognize that your feelings toward an entire group of people seem to be informed and affected by an incident that happened with one individual (or even a couple of incidents, I don't know). Maybe make an effort to meet/talk to more people of different races so that you begin to see beyond it.
Also, I would apologize to the coworker you were talking to about this. If one of my friends started saying the kind of shit you said to me, if I didn't call you out on it (which I would), I would still feel super uncomfortable.
I can't even believe you a) thought this was an okay conversation to have at all, and b) more importantly that you don't think you are racist.
If you have to begin a statement with "I'm not racist, but..." then you are.
If you make sweeping generalizations about an entire race of people because of their race, you are racist.
@leviosaa, No, I do not want to be a matyr or have people pat me on the head. I came here for perspective and I got it. I admit that I was wrong, and I will own that. I think it is hard to hear that you are a racist when you don't generally consider yourself one, but I'm glad it came out. I will work on it.
The last line was more geared towards redwood's comment, as it was a bit harsh (albeit appropriate and necessary) and was more out of anger and frustration then anything.
So you're mad at her because you're racist?
Just accept that you said some really terrible things and only feel bad because you got called out on it and maybe be a good person and learn from it.
UPDATE:
HR was already informed about the incident so that is no longer a concern. I was spoken to and it doesn't make it feel any better. I now realize that part of why I wanted to say something was to cover my ass...but I did honestly just want to get it out there. I don't like the idea of keeping such matters away from the higher ups in a company.
I want thank everyone who took the time to point out that I was wrong, and that my statement was indeed racist and insensitive. While not easy to hear I will indeed work on this in the future. I will not try to defend my words and have made my apologies. I will not continue to dwell on this, and will certainly keep my work discussions more professional (aka only about work and not people/race/religion/politics/etc..) in the future.
I am not expecting anyone to pat my back and say "good for you" because I am stating my intentions...I just wanted you to be aware that I listened.