Wedding Vows & Ceremony Discussions
Surprise Wedding!
Hi all!
My fiancee and I have been together for 7 years and have lived together for 5 of them. We own our own house together and aren’t really the traditional type. We got engaged last month and since then, we have decided to have a very small, intimate, budget friendly and fun wedding! We’re really considering a surprise wedding! We’ve discussed the negative “consequences” of a surprise wedding and we’re fine with them, haha
Right now, I’m just trying to figure what fake event we could invite our guests to, so that they would actually come and I could request a semi-formal dress. Has anyone had experience with a surprise wedding? Anyone have some ideas for me? Thanks in advance!!
My fiancee and I have been together for 7 years and have lived together for 5 of them. We own our own house together and aren’t really the traditional type. We got engaged last month and since then, we have decided to have a very small, intimate, budget friendly and fun wedding! We’re really considering a surprise wedding! We’ve discussed the negative “consequences” of a surprise wedding and we’re fine with them, haha
Right now, I’m just trying to figure what fake event we could invite our guests to, so that they would actually come and I could request a semi-formal dress. Has anyone had experience with a surprise wedding? Anyone have some ideas for me? Thanks in advance!!This discussion has been closed.
Re: Surprise Wedding!
I can think of no reason that I would dress up in formal wear except a wedding.
What are the negative consequences? Some of the VIP guests declining and then missing the wedding? I mean I guess if your guests are properly hosted it's okay, I just don't really get it. From the guest POV, one of the best parts of a wedding is it's something to look forward to.
Why don't you and your FI elope and host a surprise "We got married" party?
Which negative consequences are you willing to accept? Formulating this idea by acknowledging and accepting the negative aspects first seems an odd way to plan a party.
People will not prioritize your fake party over a wedding. I would make every effort to attend and dress appropriately for a wedding. But most other events, if it doesn't fit into my schedule, I'm not going to try very hard to make it.
Are you truly ok with some of your guests not attending? Since you wedding is going to be small - I would imagine that almost all guests could be considered VIP. What if your mom wakes up that morning and feels run down and tired - doesn't want to go because its just a party. If your mom wakes up on your wedding day and feels run down and tired - she's probably going to get some coffee and a healthy meal to get her going and make it to the wedding.
Rethink your plans. MobKaz has the good idea of eloping and have a surprise "We Got Married" party.
If someone I was close to had a surprise wedding, I might turn down the invitation if I had something else to do that day, because since I wouldn't know it was a wedding invitation, I might prioritize something else over their event and then feel deeply hurt that I'd missed their wedding because they wanted to be "cute" about it with a fake event.
Honestly, not all "surprises" are "fun," and sometimes the surprise can take the "fun" element out of it. Weddings are such occasions. The only people who would be having "fun" are the couple - not the guests, including those who don't attend because they don't know it's a wedding or who come but didn't want to attend a wedding.
If you're okay with the consequences of your loved ones being hurt because you felt the need to "surprise" them by inviting them to a fake event (aka "lying") to them to have "fun" at their emotional expense, then we can't help you if you decide to go through with it anyway, even if we suggest you don't.
No one has berated you.
I'm not a fan of banquet weddings either. I've attend two dozens of those. I had something different. It didn't include surprising people.
Also, just because you might enjoy something doesn't mean 50 other people would enjoy that too. Honestly, if I was invited to a party and then found out it was a wedding, I'd be a bit put off.
2) It has been explained by at least two of us why it's not going to be considered "FUN" for some of your guests.
3) You chose to post in a public forum and, therefore, cannot control the responses you get.
You're asking for advice on something that most people wouldn't do and don't do. Like hey, if you were going to repel down a mountain for the first time without a guide, what's the best way to do it. Most people will say, don't.
If surprise weddings were truly fun, unique and exciting they'd be more popular than burlap and lace. The fact that it's not, says something.
And you're projecting how you feel about "surprise weddings" onto everyone else. We don't think surprise weddings are "fun, unique, or exciting," and that's our privilege. It is also the privilege of everyone else in the human race to feel that way. I'm afraid that since you asked this question of other members of the human race, you're going to have to accept that you're not entitled to control how others respond.
We don't exist to validate ideas we don't approve of by giving advice on how to do them. An analogy that crops up here is that we don't tell other people how to rob banks just because they think it is "fun, unique, or exciting." We tell them not to do it.
If you can't accept that not everyone agrees with you that surprise weddings are "fun, unique, or exciting," then our forum is not for you.
I have a lot of cousins, I love them all dearly but I have a particular cousin who I have always been very close with. She tends to have a lot of gatherings at her house because it's big enough to fit our family, so when I got an invitation to attend her 4th of July party I decided it wasn't worth getting on a 3 1/2 hour bus ride to go to. That night, as I'm sitting with some friends having some beer, I see on my facebook all of my family posting pictures and congratulating my cousin and her new husband and saying how beautiful their surprise wedding was. I was shocked. I was hurt. It was so upsetting to me that I wasn't at her wedding. If I had known what was happening, I would've absolutely been there.
Your wedding is not just your day, when you bring other people into it, it becomes a celebration with those closest to you and you could really hurt those you love by not telling them what's going on.
If I receive an invitation to, I dunno, a fancy dinner party, I am very much in less of a rush to clear my calendar. Especially if you're asking me to travel. Sorry, it's not a matter of how much I love or support you, it's exactly a matter of how time and effort I'm willing to put in for a seemingly random meal. Not to mention the distance you want me to travel, and the further you want me to go, the less likely it is that I'll be attending.
And if I decline to attend your party only to find out later it was actually your wedding, I'm going to be pretty miffed. How was I supposed to know before hand?
Knowing it's a wedding completely changes the perception I have of the event I'm being invited to.
I'm not saying that what you're doing is necessarily wrong, nor am I trying to speak for or make assumptions about your loved ones, but I am pointing out that weddings have a certain connotation in the minds of others as compared to other events.
Weddings >> other formalish events
Ditto to all other pps. And op, you posted on an open forum. We'll comment how we like. If you want hurt feelings and for potential guests to miss it, by all means have a surprise wedding.
your wedding can still be all the things you want in your "surprise" wedding without having the surprise.
you said you don't like big banquet weddings. It isn't one or the other (surprise vs banquet). you don't have to spend lots of money or plan a whole year in advance. Just give your guests the courtesy of being able to block out time for your wedding.
Also, I've had a couple dumb thoughts regarding my wedding and the ladies here have been honest and real about how to go about things and steered me clear from making some awful decisions(even if at first it sounded like they were being awful towards me) Try to remain open minded to their thoughts.
Look OP, you can do whatever you want. There are no wedding police that will show up at your event and shut it down because you decided to make it a surprise. Its highly unlikely that anyone on this board will be at your event, and at the end of the day what you do will reflect on you, not us. But seriously if everyone on here thinks its a bad idea than it is probably a bad idea!
If you want my opinion there is absolutely no event outside of a wedding that I could see making a dress-code appropriate for. There is absolutely no event (in the realm of parties) that I will prioritize more than a wedding. There is no way I would take a time off and travel and get dressed up to go to some random event if it wasn't a wedding. People will prioritize things the way they see fit and honestly anything below "friend or family wedding" can be pretty low on my list.
YOU WANT A WEDDING RIGHT? then just have a wedding!!!! You can keep it small and intimate, it doesn't have to be in months or years, you can get married on the same date as your proposed "party" but I really do think that you should tell people its a WEDDING!
I don't know who your friends and family are...and I don't care how close you think you are to them, I can guarantee that at least ONE person will get upset if they declined to go and found out it was a wedding. And honestly, isn't that enough to make you stop and think?
- Also "It's my day" ended the second you invited a single guest, and you can't tell us how to respond to your post on the internet...sorry but that's just the way it is!
You want a small wedding, this is fine. You don't want a banquet hall wedding, this is also fine. Where do you plan to host your wedding? Why can't you just always plan for it to be at this non-banquet hall facility and invite your guests to it, with them KNOWING its a wedding?
You want to keep your surprise wedding AND your day - elope. When you invite even one other person to your wedding, it stops being solely about your and your FI because you know have guests to host and their feelings to take into consideration.
Go back up and read MandyPandy's story again, go ahead, I'll wait. . . Ok, now imagine the feelings that MandyPandy felt about that close cousin and missing her wedding and project them onto your BFF or close relative. Wouldn't you feel like an ass knowing how upset you made a very important person in your life, when all you had to do was write "wedding" on your invite somewhere?
I have a coworker who did a surprise wedding so I have some perspective that may help you.
You said you considered negative consequences, which others have articulated- VIPs not showing up, people being miffed they missed it because they didn't know it was a wedding. Other than being non-traditional, you haven't yet articulated more reasons why a surprise would be a good thing over just choosing to do a regular small event.
My coworker did the surprise wedding and disguised it as their engagement party. Her husband was in the military at the time and had recently come back from a deployment. Between those two reasons they were going to have strong attendance at their engagement party. On top of it, they had meddling family, so planning a wedding in secret away from the family busybodies was much less stressful. Having the wedding at the engagement party was an easy way to just get it over with, so to speak. To my knowledge, the party/wedding was a hit.
Honestly though, if you just want to go non-traditional, plan something non-traditional but let your select guests be aware. We had an event of about 70, with plenty of family not invited. We had our wedding and reception at a nice restaurant, not a church and banquet hall. There are a lot of ways to have the wedding you want without making it a surprise and potentially turning off your loved ones. We're happy to help if you change your mind.
P.S. Never dictate a dress code please. Black tie events dictate formal dress and that's really it.
Alternatives for people who don't want a big, expensive wedding:
1. Private ceremony at a courthouse, a garden, or anywhere with just the two of you, your officiant and legal witnesses. No reception.
2. Small wedding with immediate family only, followed by dinner (you pay) at a restaurant. No attendants are necessary.
3. Small wedding held in a backyard or a park. Barbecue reception, can be catered. Attendants are optional.
4. Afternoon wedding followed by tea reception (cake and punch). Very traditional. If you are religious, churches can be excellent venues.
5. Evening wedding with dinner reception. Small guest list. Small or no wedding party. Dancing is optional.
Any of these wedding styles can be followed at a later date with a party to celebrate your recent marriage. No wedding dress or wedding traditions, just a fun party.
We had a surprise wedding. We eloped, surprised everyone when we got back, and then moved on with our lives. It was stress free, non-traditional, obviously small and intimate, and just all around fucking amazing!
Both we and the groom's parents suspected it was either a surprise wedding or a pregnancy announcement, and we all dressed a little more formally than we would for a normal visit in case it was the former.
Her mother, however, had no idea and did not come. It strained my stepsister's relationship with her mother, which has not been the same.
That is my experience with a surprise wedding. The bride and groom loved it. None of the guests cared for the surprise aspect but were polite enough not to say anything to the bride and groom about it. The mother of the bride has not gotten over the fact that she missed her daughter's wedding.
In the words of Jane Austen, "I don't approve of surprises. The pleasure is never enhanced and the inconvenience is considerable." I say this not to "disrespect your opinion," but to reply to your request for experiences with surprise weddings.