PENCILED IN GUEST! Help!!!

Knottie1441308609 · August 2016

My fiancé and I have decided to allow children of immediate family only to attend our wedding. This will keep the count fairly low, as it is a formal plated dinner and we want to make sure it doesn't sound like a McDonalds Playplace in our somewhat intimate reception venue.

We invited my fiancées cousin with HER NAME AND HER BOYFRIENDS NAME ONLY. She sent her reply back with 3 people on it to include her boyfriends son. He is 2 1/2, and at a wedding a few weeks ago he screamed, cried, and ran around crazy the whole time. This child is not a member our family and we have only met him once a couple weeks ago. We have put so much time and effort into planning a beautiful party for our guests. How do I tell them that he is not welcome without causing drama? ANY SUGGESTIONS WOULD BE AWESOME.

glasgowtolondon · August 2016

Knottie1441308609 said:

My fiancé and I have decided to allow children of immediate family only to attend our wedding. This will keep the count fairly low, as it is a formal plated dinner and we want to make sure it doesn't sound like a McDonalds Playplace in our somewhat intimate reception venue.

We invited my fiancées cousin with HER NAME AND HER BOYFRIENDS NAME ONLY. She sent her reply back with 3 people on it to include her boyfriends son. He is 2 1/2, and at a wedding a few weeks ago he screamed, cried, and ran around crazy the whole time. This child is not a member our family and we have only met him once a couple weeks ago. We have put so much time and effort into planning a beautiful party for our guests. How do I tell them that he is not welcome without causing drama? ANY SUGGESTIONS WOULD BE AWESOME.

"Apologies, cousin, but we are unable to accommodate any extra guests. The invitation was only for you and BF". If they cause drama or threaten not to attend just tell them that they will be missed, but you understand. Done!

[Deleted User] · August 2016

Agree with the above, but don't include any of the "don't wanting it to sound like a McDonald's playplace" or implying that it won't be a "beautiful party" if he attends because that sounds pretty insulting and will likely bring on some drama.

You only invited her and her boyfriend. If that doesn't work, you will be sad to have them miss the event.

Knottie1441308609 · August 2016

Of course I will leave those comments out! It's hard, i feel like this is a super grey area because the child lives with them full time, but they have gotten a sitter for many other events for him (anniversary parties, holidays). I think I am really second guessing myself here, and I don't want to hurt feelings, but if we invited every guests child we would probably end up past capacity of the venue.

kahluakoala · August 2016

You are under no obligation to invite all (or any!) children, and "children of immediate family" is a perfectly reasonable and understandable place to draw the line. If you were inviting the children of all your cousins and friends and NOT this one specific child, I would think it would it would cause a little more angst, but you are inviting in circles and this is fine. Just be polite and firm and let her know that the invitation is only for her and her boyfriend.

Knottie1441308609 · August 2016

Here's the next problem, since you are being so great with advice. We did invite this same cousins brothers children. I guess the difference is that the brothers kids are HIS children. Not the children of a significant other. Is this too close of a line? I do still feel like we are within the "children of family" circle because the child we are excluding is not related to us. He is simply a BF's child from a previous relationship. But you are correct, we are excluding numerous children, not just this one.

[Deleted User] · August 2016

Knottie1441308609 said:

Here's the next problem, since you are being so great with advice. We did invite this same cousins brothers children. I guess the difference is that the brothers kids are HIS children. Not the children of a significant other. Is this too close of a line?

If your cousin and her boyfriend live together (and therefor this little boy would also live with your cousin), it seems a bit closer to the line. That said, you are under no obligation to ever invite someone (other than someone's significant other). So you are fine etiquette wise to give them the hard "no". But....since you are inviting some cousins children, there might be hurt feelings. It's up to you to decide if you are ok with that or not. If you are, then just keep repeating the above examples when asked.

Note: if you are trying to reply to someone specific, the reply button doesn't work, so either use @ and th user name or the quote button.

Knottie1441308609 · August 2016

Thanks everyone! This has been helpful. I really hate this part of wedding planning it turns out. I think my last question would be, do you think it's inappropriate to just call her and say "I see you penciled in *M*, and I understand he is a huge part of your life so I want you all to share this day with us, but at the wedding a couple weeks ago he was very upset, distracting and kind of all over the place. I understand that two year olds are unpredictable sometimes, but Do you think you could work extra hard at managing him throughout the evening? I.e. If he starts to scream, take him outside etc". Or is this awful and I'm just telling them they are bad parents or something?

geebee908 · August 2016

Knottie1441308609 said:

Thanks everyone! This has been helpful. I really hate this part of wedding planning it turns out. I think my last question would be, do you think it's inappropriate to just call her and say "I see you penciled in *M*, and I understand he is a huge part of your life so I want you all to share this day with us, but at the wedding a couple weeks ago he was very upset, distracting and kind of all over the place. I understand that two year olds are unpredictable sometimes, but Do you think you could work extra hard at managing him throughout the evening? I.e. If he starts to scream, take him outside etc". Or is this awful and I'm just telling them they are bad parents or something?

No, do not tell them this! Just keep it simple stating the invitation was only for cousin and BF and that you can't accomodate the child. If that means they'll have to change their RSVP to a "no" then they will be missed. If you add anything else, you're just asking for drama.

ei34 · August 2016

Knottie1441308609 said:

Thanks everyone! This has been helpful. I really hate this part of wedding planning it turns out. I think my last question would be, do you think it's inappropriate to just call her and say "I see you penciled in *M*, and I understand he is a huge part of your life so I want you all to share this day with us, but at the wedding a couple weeks ago he was very upset, distracting and kind of all over the place. I understand that two year olds are unpredictable sometimes, but Do you think you could work extra hard at managing him throughout the evening? I.e. If he starts to scream, take him outside etc". Or is this awful and I'm just telling them they are bad parents or something?

SITB

yeah, definitely leave ^ this out. @glasgowtolondon 's response was perfect, just leave it at that. Especially considering the fact that the lines are kind of murky (your cousin's (the subject's brother's) children aren't immediate family), the more simple your explanation, the better.

[Deleted User] · August 2016

Ya....saying any of that probably wouldn't go over too well. Either accept that he is coming and be ok with however that may look or stick with your original plan and say that he cannot be accommodated. Hopefully someone else (maybe your aunt/cousins mom) will recognize if he's being an issue and suggest to your cousin that he should be taken outside during the ceremony. Either way, you'll be busy getting married anyways and hopefully won't even notice him!

SP29 · August 2016

Knottie1441308609 said:

Thanks everyone! This has been helpful. I really hate this part of wedding planning it turns out. I think my last question would be, do you think it's inappropriate to just call her and say "I see you penciled in *M*, and I understand he is a huge part of your life so I want you all to share this day with us, but at the wedding a couple weeks ago he was very upset, distracting and kind of all over the place. I understand that two year olds are unpredictable sometimes, but Do you think you could work extra hard at managing him throughout the evening? I.e. If he starts to scream, take him outside etc". Or is this awful and I'm just telling them they are bad parents or something?

No. Telling a parent/step-parent, "Your kid was an annoying PITA at the last family event and you did a shitty job parenting by letting him run around like a wild child" will NOT go over well, even if what you said is true.

Either you allow the child to come, don't say anything and assume they will parent their child appropriately. Or you have decided you will not allow the child to come and all you say is, "Sorry for any confusion Cousin, but the invite was only for you and BF. We hope you can still attend". And if she says they can't attend without the child, then you say, "I am sorry to hear that, you will be missed".

Inviting your other cousin's kids but not this kid is a bit close to the line- the kids are still in the same family "line", but you are not required to invite any children, and can choose to invite some, none, or all. It's up to you to decide how your family will handle this and how comfortable you are deflecting any hurt feelings.

ETA: Personally, I would invite this kid.

photokitty · August 2016

You broke the circle by inviting her brother's kids. There will be hurt feelings if you don't allow this kid. That said, you don't have to allow this kid to come, but you aren't going to come off looking good since her sibling's kids are invited.

It's really rude and judgemental to differentiate based on blood vs previous relationship. I would cleanse that excuse from your vocabulary. Treating children differently bc they are from a previous relationships is just ugly behavior.

CMGragain · August 2016

Children can be unpredictable. A child may behave perfectly one day and then have a total meltdown later. Give the kid the benefit of the doubt. Since there will be other children present, I think not inviting him will cause you more problems than if you include him.

LondonLisa · August 2016

Knottie1441308609 said:

Here's the next problem, since you are being so great with advice. We did invite this same cousins brothers children. I guess the difference is that the brothers kids are HIS children. Not the children of a significant other. Is this too close of a line? I do still feel like we are within the "children of family" circle because the child we are excluding is not related to us. He is simply a BF's child from a previous relationship. But you are correct, we are excluding numerous children, not just this one.

This is a terrible way to look at a child. It's not the child's fault the parents split up and she is a step parent. To say "only children related by blood even though this child lives with you full time" is so rude and upsetting. It is fine to no invite all children, but as long as it is that- ALL children, or at least clearly defined circles. Your circle of bio parents that are cousins vs step parents that are cousins is f*cked up!

aurianna · August 2016

Knottie1441308609 said:

My fiancé and I have decided to allow children of immediate family only to attend our wedding. This will keep the count fairly low, as it is a formal plated dinner and we want to make sure it doesn't sound like a McDonalds Playplace in our somewhat intimate reception venue.

We invited my fiancées cousin with HER NAME AND HER BOYFRIENDS NAME ONLY. She sent her reply back with 3 people on it to include her boyfriends son. He is 2 1/2, and at a wedding a few weeks ago he screamed, cried, and ran around crazy the whole time. This child is not a member our family and we have only met him once a couple weeks ago. We have put so much time and effort into planning a beautiful party for our guests. How do I tell them that he is not welcome without causing drama? ANY SUGGESTIONS WOULD BE AWESOME.

Children of immediate family would be your kids, your parents' kids and your siblings' kids. Your cousins' kids break this circle. You did not just invite immediate family's kids.

Don't get me wrong; they were rude to assume their kid was invited despite his not being on the invite. But perhaps they knew that her sister's kids were invited so assumed theirs was as well (wrong, but also an understandable mistake).

Assuming you invited other cousins' kids, while you do not have to, I'd just let this kid come. One more kid won't break the bank.

I had to call someone who wrote in their kid and let him know the invite was just for he and his wife. It was my right to do, but it was reeeeally awkward. That plus the family drama you might encounter for inviting one cousin's kids but not his sister's... It just might not be a hill to die on. But this one is your call.

If you do call though, just use the phrasing given here. Do not try to justify it because no matter what you say they will either take offense or try to "negotiate" by offering to pay his way, say he can lap sit, etc.
The problem will be if they press you for the reason he can't come but their brother's kid can... try to bean dip them. They'd be really rude for doing so, but odds are they're only asking because they already know the answer (he was excluded for not being blood related) and they just want to hear you say it (aka they might be vindictive over it since it's pretty petty).

Knottie1441308609 · August 2016

Let me be clear, I have no issue with this child except he is totally wild and disruptive. I don't care that he is a cousins BF's son, and I would happily welcome him except that they do a terrible job parenting him and do not control him well at all. The only reason i included that was because I wasn't sure if I had broken an etiquette line

CMGragain · August 2016

Knottie1441308609 said:

Let me be clear, I have no issue with this child except he is totally wild and disruptive. I don't care that he is a cousins BF's son, and I would happily welcome him except that they do a terrible job parenting him and do not control him well at all. The only reason i included that was because I wasn't sure if I had broken an etiquette line

You posted that you only saw him once. Am I correct? I think you are assuming too much about this child.

Knottie1441308609 · August 2016

@CMGragain I met him once but have been told by numerous family members that are closer to him about his inability to be controlled.

aurianna · August 2016

/shrug. You don't have to invite him. You really don't. You are entitled to invite the people you want to your wedding and that applies to kids as well.
So if you want to call and tell them you are totally within your rights and are not breaking etiquette.

But be prepared for fall-out because there might be some.

LondonLisa · August 2016

Knottie1441308609 said:

Let me be clear, I have no issue with this child except he is totally wild and disruptive. I don't care that he is a cousins BF's son, and I would happily welcome him except that they do a terrible job parenting him and do not control him well at all. The only reason i included that was because I wasn't sure if I had broken an etiquette line

But you do, because you are making the distinction between a step child and a bio child. You said yourself "he is only the child of a BF".

Making distinctions like that is wrong on so many levels. The child lives with your cousin full time. Treat a step child of a cousin the same way you would treat the bio child of a cousin. It's that simple.

Knottie1441308609 · August 2016

@LondonLisa again, I stated that because I wasn't sure if this was a distinction that should be made or not. Worded inappropriately by saying "only", I didn't mean these were my personal feelings.

LondonLisa · August 2016

Knottie1441308609 said:

@LondonLisa again, I stated that because I wasn't sure if this was a distinction that should be made or not. Worded inappropriately by saying "only", I didn't mean these were my personal feelings.

If you think there is even a possibility of a distinction that could be made between a step child of a cousin vs a bio child of a cousin, they are obviously your personal feelings. This child is in your cousin's life. If you are inviting all children of cousins as a rule, then you were rude to exclude this child. Families don't all look the same- it doesn't make them any less valid.

If your question was "how do I get around inviting my cousin's badly behaved step child" I'd believe you. But your question was essentially desperately seeking validation for your rudeness as he wasn't a "real" family member.

Jen4948 · August 2016

Don't say anything that sounds critical of the child or their parenting or lack thereof. Just say to her, "Cousin, there appears to be a misunderstanding. Your invitation was only for you and your BF and does not include anyone else. We can't accommodate any guests other than those persons actually listed on the invitation envelopes. We therefore have to ask that you not bring anyone with you other than your BF."

And if she refuses to attend if the kid is not invited, just respond, "I'm sorry to hear that. We will miss you and your BF."

Knottie1441308609 · August 2016

@LondonLisa I don't need your validation. I have never been through this process, and don't have experience with etiquette in this matter. I was simply trying to get advice on possibly not inviting a child who is ill behaved. Your suggestion that I have decided he is not a "real" family member is crappy and untrue. However, the child attends NO other family functions in the 3 years that I have been with my fiancé - Holidays, parties etc (except for the one wedding two weeks ago) so I did not think they would write him in when I sent their invitation because he is never around and I was pretty blindsided by it. I did decide to digress, and allow them to bring the child, but should not be chastised for not wanting a poorly behaved guest to cause problems at the only wedding I will ever have whether he is related to us or not. Get off your high horse.

photokitty · August 2016

Knottie1441308609 said:

Here's the next problem, since you are being so great with advice. We did invite this same cousins brothers children. I guess the difference is that the brothers kids are HIS children. Not the children of a significant other. Is this too close of a line? I do still feel like we are within the "children of family" circle because the child we are excluding is not related to us. He is simply a BF's child from a previous relationship. But you are correct, we are excluding numerous children, not just this one.

JIC

Yeah, that's not offensive at all, you sound like you think of them as equal.

Sure sounds like personal feelings, and they are rude and insensitive feelings, you should again cleanse this from your vocabulary and thought process.

ernursej · August 2016

Grabbing popcorn!

PaperTigersx · August 2016

Knottie1441308609 said:

@LondonLisa I don't need your validation. I have never been through this process, and don't have experience with etiquette in this matter. I was simply trying to get advice on possibly not inviting a child who is ill behaved. Your suggestion that I have decided he is not a "real" family member is crappy and untrue. However, the child attends NO other family functions in the 3 years that I have been with my fiancé - Holidays, parties etc (except for the one wedding two weeks ago) so I did not think they would write him in when I sent their invitation because he is never around and I was pretty blindsided by it. I did decide to digress, and allow them to bring the child, but should not be chastised for not wanting a poorly behaved guest to cause problems at the only wedding I will ever have whether he is related to us or not. Get off your high horse.

he's 2 years old. My two year old neice was over the house the other day and was terrorizing my dogs by chasing them around the house. My cousin and her husband did the vest they could to corral their daughter, but guess what? She's 2 and doesn't listen sometimes. My dogs survived and are just as happy now as they were the day before my niece came over. (Also, she almost fell into our shallow pond because she wanted to catch our fish. Daddy caught her in the nick of time tho!)

your 2 year old not-blood-related-baby-cousin is not a "poorly behaved guest," but a baby who does not know social manners yet because, well, he's a baby.

i mean, IMOH.

Eta: this is only the second time I've been around my baby cousin as they are often not able to make it to family functions. But she and my cousins are no less family because they are not around often.

wmam35 · August 2016

Since you're inviting the cousin's brother's kid to the wedding, I would allow this child to come too. I have a nephew who is my BIL's girlfriend's son from her first marriage and my in-laws do not treat this child as an equal grandchild with my BIL's biological son and it breaks my heart. I'm not saying that you would purposely do this, but even if it's unintentional it could still hurt the child's feelings (I'm certain my in-laws do it on purpose though because they're the worst). My BIL and his girlfriend also have issues controlling both of these children, and at my baby shower in January both of them were out of control (like knocking over presents, running around, etc) and it reflected poorly on my BIL and his girlfriend, not me. If this child doesn't behave well, it will only reflect poorly on your cousin. I was having so much fun that I didn't even notice most of the stuff they did, and the things I did see I kind of shrugged off because it was my baby shower. All of my nearest and dearest family and friends were there, and I was just truly so happy. I bet that will happen to you even if this kid went crazy at your wedding - you'll have so much happiness to focus on that even if you did notice it, you may easily shrug it off.

All that being said, I agree with others that etiquette-wise you don't have to let this child come, but you should consider whether any potential drama is worth it. Good luck!

lyndausvi · August 2016

Etiquette wise you do not have to let the child come.

However, I would absolutely let the child come since you are letting the brother bring his kids.

englishrose-2 · August 2016

When it comes to children you're entitled to invite or not invite who you want but it is a good idea to have objective parameters so no one can take offence. Your problem is that in inviting your other cousin's children, you are treating this child differently.

Is your other cousin bringing his children? If not, you might be ok to say immediate family only but you can't say that if he is. Cousins aren't immediate family and his children are invited.

Look, I completely sympathise with why you don't want a child there who might be disruptive where you don't have a relationship with the child. If your cake gets toppled over by a child you love, it's one thing, but if it's by a child you don't know then it's quite another. You are right to say you only get one wedding and while poor behaviour by a two year old at a wedding does not make the child a bad child or the parents bad parents (it's just how 2 year olds are), you don't want to sacrifice your day for that. Completely fair enough. But unfortunately inviting your other cousin's children has meant you can't get out of this without causing offence.

to try to think of a practical solution, if you're determined the child doesn't come, do you see much of your other cousin's children? It's a bit lame but if pushed for a reason you could say it's because you don't know this child. If you decide to let the child come, could you speak to your fiancé's cousin and say it is generally a no kids wedding as you're worried about disruption and lay some ground rules? If the cousin really doesn't care, is there a grandparent who may be sympathetic to the problem? Make sure you have this conversation with the parents of all children attending, again to prevent the perception of singling out of this one child.

PENCILED IN GUEST! Help!!!

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