Wedding Etiquette Forum

PENCILED IN GUEST! Help!!!

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Re: PENCILED IN GUEST! Help!!!

  • edited August 2016
    @Englishrose thank you for understanding exactly where I am coming from.  I did decide to allow the child to come.  In my heart I felt bad leaving him out, however, I did speak with my finances aunt (the cousin who penciled her step child in's mother) and asked her to make sure that they are corralling the child as well as possible during the ceremony and dinner.  I really don't care after that.  I asked her to make sure they remove him from quiet times of the ceremony if he repeats his behavior from a couple weeks ago (screaming at the top of his lungs).  The aunt (who babysits the child on occasion) completely understood and agreed that this child is more poorly behaved than most.  She also agreed that it was rude of them to write in a guest that was not invited, thus putting us in this situation.  In addition, I have already talked strategy with the caterer and will have to work out a way to display the cake so this child (and a few others) cannot reach it since he was putting his fingers in the one at the last wedding.  Lastly,  I plan to work the seating chart so they are closer to one of the doors of the main room in case he acts up they can easily exit. (And no, haters, I'm not stuffing him in a corner.  There are doors everywhere)  I feel like it's the best I can do.  Fingers crossed :)
  • @DrillSergeantCat I assure you the conversation with our aunt was appropriate.  She was equally concerned about the child's behavior and had even encouraged her daughter to get a sitter even before we talked.  But there were no harsh words about he child, just prayers that the good energy will give him a happy day that day.  He is as welcome as everyone else and I have decided to make "kids" gift bags with toys and things to do!  Our aunt mostly helped me brainstorm for him about things that he will like to play with most :).  I was def looking at it wrong and I am approaching the situation with more positive energy.  Thanks for the opinions.  I have no blended family/step children on my side so I admit my ignorance on the topic.
  • @banana468 yes I see your point.  Does his behavior scare me a bit? YES, but I can't make up discriminatory excuses or blurry lines up to not have have him.  I know that all kids act up, and I can't control him or the way he is parented.  If he acts up, it's not my problem, it is his parents and hopefully they handle it accordingly.   I did do the right thing and have added him to the party without any words to our cousin.  I am now also making kids gift bags to hopefully keep them busy.  Here's hoping it all turns out fine.  
  • banana468 said:
    I can tell you that in some cases a child is poorly behaved and the parents don't do anything but in some cases  the child is just being a child.

    You can't compare two toddlers and say that if one sits still and the other doesn't then it's a reflection on the parents' ability to parent.   Kids are different.  

    On Sunday I went out for lunch with my BIL and SIL and their 3 kids while DH and I brought ours.   My son will be 2 in  a week and my nephew will be 2 in 6 weeks.   My nephew was quiet in the restaurant and ate tons of different foods and sat still.   My son did not eat anything other than applesauce and milk and screamed.   It's not because we don't try to feed him new foods or that we don't try to get him to listen but he's a toddler.   There's not a lot of reasoning with a toddler.   So DH and I took turns taking him for walks, bringing him outside and just trying to make the unpleasant experience just for us.

    You're projecting a lot about this kid.   And you are criticizing your cousin for penicling in the guest and you seem to think that this one kid may be the thing that makes or breaks your wedding cake.

    But let's not forget that you started out by treating this person as less than family.   And if I was your cousin and I talked to my sibling and I knew that my nieces and nephews were invited, I'd probably write in the child that lives with me too.   Because I'd think "I'm SURE you meant to invite the child that I treat as my own and I'M SURE you didn't mean to treat him as anything less than family since YOU INVITED THE CHILDREN OF MY SIBLING.   So OF COURSE you're going to be fair and extend the invitation to this one too."

    If you wanted to stay out of this pickle you shouldn't have invited the children of the other cousin.   

    Some day you may have kids of your own and I hope you understand that you can't force them into your ideal behavior.   If I could I would have a hell of a lot of money right now from writing how-to books.  


    All of this!!!  NEVER (yes, universal qualifier here) treat a non-biological child differently than a biological one! 

    One of the hardest lessons one learns going CF to having multiple kids is just how little control you have over them and how their personalities can change in less than a snap of the fingers.  A chicken nugget can be one degree too hot and it's cause for a meltdown of all meltdowns by a toddler no matter how well behaved they otherwise are.  If anything, have a kid's area during your ceremony/reception with things like coloring pages, crayons, books, construction paper, glow sticks, etc. (especially since this stuff is cheap this week with back to school shopping)..  I had one cousin go so far as to make little bags for each kid that were handed out as they came in to keep them occupied during otherwise "quiet" times, and she spent less than $20 on them total.  A $.50 calculator is an amazing toy!

  • @CMGragain I met him once but have been told by numerous family members that are closer to him about his inability to be controlled.  
    He's 2 1/2, I highly doubt he cannot, not be controlled. He is probably acting out. 2 1/2 is a very difficult age. Children test boundaries, and parents. You obviously do not have very much experience with young children. 

    Please take the advice above and do not single this child out. Also, keep in mind that my son is a great kid one on one, as soon as you put him in a room of kids, he's crazy. It's quite possible that this child gets overstimulated with a lot of people and does better one on one. 
  • PPs have covered a lot...just chiming in to agree that it's pretty fucked up to exclude him because he's "not family" and just a "step child."  Wow.  Do you even hear yourself, OP?  And then you go around the parents to a third party to talk shit?  Come on.  Get over yourself.  


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  • @DrillSergeantCat I assure you the conversation with our aunt was appropriate.  She was equally concerned about the child's behavior and had even encouraged her daughter to get a sitter even before we talked.  But there were no harsh words about he child, just prayers that the good energy will give him a happy day that day.  He is as welcome as everyone else and I have decided to make "kids" gift bags with toys and things to do!  Our aunt mostly helped me brainstorm for him about things that he will like to play with most :).  I was def looking at it wrong and I am approaching the situation with more positive energy.  Thanks for the opinions.  I have no blended family/step children on my side so I admit my ignorance on the topic.
    I loved titted this because you decided to invite him. It's really never appropriate to go to a third family member about someone's child's behavior. One day, you may have children. Think about how hurtful it would be to find out that someone thinks not only that your child is bad, but that you're a crappy parent on top of that. 
  • aurianna said:
    /shrug. You don't have to invite him. You really don't. You are entitled to invite the people you want to your wedding and that applies to kids as well.
    So if you want to call and tell them you are totally within your rights and are not breaking etiquette.

    But be prepared for fall-out because there might be some.

    This. This is your actual etiquette advice on the etiquette board. Etiquette wise, you can invite whoever you want and you are entitled to apply that rule as you wish. But only you know your family and whether there would be social consequences for that.

    What others are suggesting is called inviting in circles. Like you invite all first cousins. And if you invite one first cousin's kids, you invite all those kids. It's a way to be diplomatic if you anticipate social consequences.

    Also, etiquette wise, you should not comment on his behavior or their parenting. Telling people that's the reason is just gossipy.. even if it's true. Stay neutral "I'm sorry we couldn't invite everyone we wanted to invite."

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  • AddieCake said:
    The final straw with my heinous cousin whom I speak of regularly in stories here was when she informed my fiancé, the man I was marrying 3 months from then, that he was not family. I cut her out of my life then and there. My husband and I are on the road to becoming foster parents, and if our child is never not welcome because he or she is deemed "not family," I will cut anyone who says that to me right out of our lives as well. 
    That's amazing!  Prayers everything works out well!

    And yeah... that'd be pretty awful if someone considered a foster child "not family" :(

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  • As someone who has divorced parents and super awesome bonus parents and bonus siblings from both sides I am going to not comment on the "not family" thing because... Yeah.

  • edited August 2016
    As someone who has divorced parents and super awesome bonus parents and bonus siblings from both sides I am going to not comment on the "not family" thing because... Yeah.
    Because it's hurtful AF to be excluded for not being "real" family and compassionate, empathetic, rational adults should already know that?
  • As someone who has divorced parents and super awesome bonus parents and bonus siblings from both sides I am going to not comment on the "not family" thing because... Yeah.
    Because it's hurtful AF to be excluded for not being "real" family and compassionate, empathetic, rational adults should already know that?
    That. 

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