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NWR- starting a family

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Re: NWR- starting a family

  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Yes it is a personal choice and if you don't want to have children, OP own it. FWIW my third child's best friend was also a 3rd. His mother was 42 or 43 when he was born. She said yes she didn't have the energy she had in her twenties. However, she said she was a much more laid back parent and enjoyed being a parent more the third time. She is now in her mid 60's and doing triathlons. There is no one right answer. Everyone is different.
    SP29
  • I think it is one of those grass is always greener types of things - having kids when you're older/younger, more stable in careers, etc everyone is different. We're having our first and I'll be 34 and he'll be 40. In some ways I wish I had had a kid in my mid to late 20s because I think of how I'll be late 50s when the kid graduates college and maybe it would be nicer to be younger and be around more if there are grandchildren, etc. But there are no guarantees how long any of us will be around.

    But at the same time I know I've gotten to do things that I may not have been able to do had I had kids and had that financial burden (for lack of a better word) at an earlier age. We are very financially stable and I'm happy to not be worrying about baby expenses, although even saying that the thought of daycare prices and all the other crap we have to buy will make your head spin even if you have the money. 

    I do think you are being smart realizing that you probably aren't in the best position financially right now to have a child and it would be best to wait. Maybe after school is finished and you can get established a bit more with career, savings, etc then the time will be right.
    SP29
  • Oh yeah that pressure people put on women to start popping out kids is so frustrating. I see in in my cousin (the only woman I know going through this since I'm only 26 now), she's 34, and the pressure our family puts on her to have kids NOW is insane. They don't care that she isn't ready, they don't care that she hasn't found the right guy yet. Once she hit 30 they didn't care how she got a baby, she just must have a baby.

    Personally me and my FH are kinda in the same boat as OP, we want to be in that perfect situation to have kids, we want to travel a bit first, get a nice house with a yard, and we are aiming to have kids before 30, but only because we're Type-A weirdos who schedule everything in life and by that time we would be married for 4 years, and I'm pretty sure baby fever would hit us much sooner than 2020.
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  • julieanne912julieanne912 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    edited August 2016
    Well fuck, I'm 34 and still a year or two away from having kids.  Might as well get out the walker and hire a full time nanny to watch my kid since I'll be too old to do anything with him/her.  My husband is 33 and still plays hockey on a competitive level.  My BFF adopted a kid when she was forty fucking three, and that kid goes EVERYWHERE with them.  Just because your parents apparently became geriatrics in their mid 30s, doesn't mean you will, or that everybody else will either.

    And, I agree... sounds to me like you don't want kids, and are trying to come up with excuses.  Just own up to it, and be cool with it.  It's totally fine if you don't want kids, but don't run around making up really lame and offensive excuses as to why you can't have them now or in the future.

    ETA: I personally would have been a horrible parent in my 20s. I worked 80 hours a week, and when I wasn't working, I spent all money shopping and drinking.  
    Married 9.12.15
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    ILoveBeachMusicsparklepants41
  • I agree with PPs that, while it's great to have a nice cushy financial safety net, people of all incomes make it work all the time. A financial planner can definitely help you figure out what you can cut to start saving money etc.

    I also think the more unpleasant reality of this dilemma is you can't have everything, so you need to figure out what's most important in really stark terms. If you sat down and realized you could never raise a kid the way you want to on the salaries you make at these jobs, what's more important- staying in these jobs or having a kid? Would you rather not have a kid at all than have one in your mid-30s? If there's a chance you're going to stay home with a kid anyway, is it worth going back to school now? The reality is almost no one gets to have exactly the work life and exactly the family life they want, so this is just a more extreme version of making those hard choices.

    FWIW, H and I are also thinking of starting a family in the next few years and it does feel very overwhelming at times, so you're not alone!
    I've always wanted to be a stay at home mom, but the reality is, we can't afford rent without both of us working.  I wouldn't be going back to school if it wouldn't benefit us financially in the long (long, long, long) run. southernbelle0915 said:

    Obviously you'd make it work if you absolutely had to, but right now you don't and it's good that you're thinking about finances. Babies are fucking expensive even if you're really conscious and frugal.

    If you can't afford a bird right now, you're probably right, now is likely not the best time to have a kid. But I don't think you have to be totally debt free to have a kid. You just have to be able to afford the shit you need to parent the kid - including child care costs, health insurance with a deductible/co-pays/etc. you can afford when things go wrong, supplies, etc. If you can afford all that stuff while keeping up with student loans/car payments/whatever, I don't think you have to wait until you're 40.

    This is true. It's just scary for me because I've always lived pay check to pay check. I don't want to raise a child like that. My parents somehow managed to pay off their debts before having me and have never lived in debt. I want a life like that, but it's almost impossible to do that these days. (Even now, my parents still have 0 debt. But they're also older and adopted me when they were older)

    Definitely meet with a financial planner, and also look into foster-to-adopt programs! If you're open to adopting an older child (and sometimes that means even a few months old, not necessarily an adolescent), foster-to-adopt can be a great, low-cost option. I have known people who actually adopted infants through foster-to-adopt. The costs to you are minimal.

    Also, maybe look into jobs that offer adoption reimbursement. It wouldn't cover the whole cost, most likely, but a lot of employers will reimburse you part of it (for example, my work would reimburse $3k if we adopted, H's would reimburse $5k).

    Considering the adoption process can take years sometimes, it would not hurt to start some research now. It doesn't mean you'll be on the hook for the whole cost immediately, or that you need to meet the income requirements RIGHT NOW, but it would probably be good to talk to someone to get a better sense of what's in store. It may also offer you some peace of mind about the costs.

    Not that it's exactly the same, but H and I thought we were going to have to do IVF to get pregnant. The costs are astronomical, similar to conventional adoption. It turns out there are a lot of financing options for IVF, and while it would have left us with some debt, we would have worked it out. (Turned out we didn't need to do fertility treatment in the end, which we found out just in time to cancel our IVF loan, but that's another story.) Point is, there are ways to make it work. I don't think a lot of people ever feel ready for kids (H and I included!), but eventually, if you want them, you just have to take a leap of faith and make some sacrifices.
    Thank you! I didn't know about adoption reimbursement. I will have to look into that. I never really thought of financing an adoption either. 

    i eventually do want to be involved in fostering, but probably not until we're older and our children are older too. I've always wanted to foster and maybe foster-to-adopt older children. I know that can be very emotionally taxing and I don't think I'm in the emotional state to be looking into that. I worked at a foster care agency for a little while and I think fostering an older child while also working in that field can lead to very early burn out. And I wouldn't want to resent having a foster child. But maybe if they were still an infant. 


    My H was put into the foster care system when he was 2.  He was adopted when he was 4.  He has almost no memories of his life before he was placed with his family.  His foster family had wanted to adopt him, but they were ineligible for some reason.

    Although he doesn't really remember them, he has always wished he could find them.  And thank them for taking him in and loving him when he was so little and abandoned.

    Needless to say, I'm a big fan of foster-to-adopt or adopting of older children.

    That's such a sweet story, even if he can't find that family. Has he tried contacting the Agency he was placed through? That might not even help though considering most places are just recently switching to electronic documentation.  
    I just fear getting the bad cases. I've worked with little
    toddlers (even age 2) where foster families couldn't keep them because they were a danger to their own children or children they were around (nursery, daycare, etc)
    one day I pray I am able to reach out to those children and give them a loving home no matter what. But at this point in time, I'm not ready. (I hate how selfish that sounds, but I'm also a huge advocate of not fostering until you can handle it. I've seen too many children placed and removed because the parents weren't prepared or able to handle Their foster child's challenges.) 


    overall, I'm glad to know I am not the only one who struggles with these choices. I just want to give 
     my my future child(ren) the life I had (and better). 

    It's not selfish at all!  The choice to have/not have a child is a huge one.  To adopt/foster or not is a huge one.  Neither one of those decisions should be taken lightly.  And people will get there if/when they are reasonably ready.

    My H was born in Oregon.  We went there on our honeymoon and personally went to a government office where he filled out information to obtain more information about his birth/adoption.  But he was mailed a form letter back refusing to tell him anything.

    He was given up along with his three older brothers.  His birth mother was married to an abusive man and she ran away from him with their children.  But could not care for them by herself, so she turned them over to the state.  Years ago, he found one brother and his birth mother.  He keeps in touch with both of them.  But he has never been able to find his two other brothers or the foster family who first took him in.  He never sought out his birth father, because of the history, but does know his name.

    As an aside, the brother he found had been 6 when he was given up.  Unlike my H, the brother remembers his birth mother and refuses to forgive her or get in touch with her.  In a way, my H was probably better off being so young.  He may have been too young to know what was going on and doesn't remember now, even if he did.  But I can't imagine the heartbreak of a 6-year-old who was old enough to understand his mother left him, but not old enough to understand some of the "whys".

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  • CMGragain said:
    What is wrong with having children in your mid thirties to early forties?  My daughter was 33 with Grandson #1, and almost 36 with Grandson #2.  They are both healthy, gorgeous, and live in a beautiful, but modest neighborhood.
    Sometimes health. Not always, but occasionally there are times where age affects the health. A friend of mine has 2 kids and the dr said if she had waited until she was older {she had them in early 20s} there would be health concerns because she had/has cysts on her ovaries.
    That would probably make it more difficult to get parent not be a parent.
    It's supposedly easier to deal with when you're younger (early 20s vs early 30s) because your body is suppose to be in better health. I'm just going by what she was told by her dr.
  • Just to add- my sister's 4th kid is in the foster care program, she is doing foster-to-adopt.   It has been a pretty amazing experience for her, despite that fact that she is not officially able to adopt him, yet.  If you are willing to deal with the inevitable roller-coaster of not knowing what the future holds (every case is different), it is an excellent option.  The state provides for the general costs of caring for the child, and you can choose the age range of what you would like to foster.  She chose newborn and was placed with an 8 week old.  If you want to know more about it, feel free to PM me.
    short+sassySP29
  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Oh, building on what a PP said about OP... don't let anyone, ever, tell you that waiting to have kids or not having kids is "selfish." 

    Aw hell no.

    Being child-free is NOT selfish. Just because you have a womb doesn't mean you're supposed to fill it and shove something out of it. Having kids out of some random society faux- "obligation" is worse. You don't want to resent your kids, or wish for a life you could have had. If you are not ready or will never be ready, that's it. No one should ever try to argue your readiness and your selfish/selflessness. 
    ________________________________


    ILoveBeachMusicshort+sassySP29OliveOilsMom
  • Just adding my two cents because I have baby fever something serious. 

    I want kids like yesterday. Most of this stems from my fear of increased birth risks after hitting your 30s. I have no idea if 30 is the magical age where birth risks appear or if there is any solid evidence to this, I've just heard a lot in my life that having children in the 33-36+ age increases your chances of having birth defects or complications and that really scares me. Again, I'm very ignorant to the facts on this because I haven't done the research and I'm only going by what I've learned from people just talking. Not even doctors, just people. My friends and I were talking about this a few weeks ago and they were saying that today things/technology/whatever are so advanced that women are having healthy babies much later in life and that made me feel great because no I'm really not ready for a baby. Financially especially, we still live with DH's parents! 

    Anyway I said all that to say I've really been wanting a baby only because I've let people tell me my whole life that I was going to run out of time, but realistically it makes much more sense for us(me and H) to keep enjoying life and start a family in another 2-3 years when we are 30/31.
    Anniversary



  • Just adding my two cents because I have baby fever something serious. 

    I want kids like yesterday. Most of this stems from my fear of increased birth risks after hitting your 30s. I have no idea if 30 is the magical age where birth risks appear or if there is any solid evidence to this, I've just heard a lot in my life that having children in the 33-36+ age increases your chances of having birth defects or complications and that really scares me. Again, I'm very ignorant to the facts on this because I haven't done the research and I'm only going by what I've learned from people just talking. Not even doctors, just people. My friends and I were talking about this a few weeks ago and they were saying that today things/technology/whatever are so advanced that women are having healthy babies much later in life and that made me feel great because no I'm really not ready for a baby. Financially especially, we still live with DH's parents! 

    Anyway I said all that to say I've really been wanting a baby only because I've let people tell me my whole life that I was going to run out of time, but realistically it makes much more sense for us(me and H) to keep enjoying life and start a family in another 2-3 years when we are 30/31.
    Just be careful about talking to people and taking advice from them. Research shows that pregnancy becomes relatively more risky for some women as they age (like 35,40, 45+), BUT there are many things you can do to support a healthy child. Additionally, at 30 (or 35) many insurances cover more prenatal testing that is considered optional for younger women, but recommended for "older" women.

    Here is a list of where to start (it is not a definitive list), but remember these are slight increases in risk from younger women, not absolute risks, meaning that it is not inherently risking to become pregnant after 35 (or after 40).

    http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/getting-pregnant/in-depth/pregnancy/art-20045756?pg=2

    STARMOON44OliveOilsMomtheycallmelinz
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    I stopped reading when you said your parents had 'mobility issues' due to their ripe old age of 30! You have an immature view of the aging process. 
                       
    climbingsingleShesSoCold
  • Funny enough, I thought of this post while at the dr yesterday {just a check up fyi} and she asked if H and I were planning on kids and if we had an idea on when.
    I told her we were looking at TTC end of summer next year and asked about the "30 is health risk time" {since I will be 30 end of summer next year} and she said that personally she didn't see an issue for ME and should be fine. Typically issues don't arise until closer to 35 and even then depends on person's health.
    ILoveBeachMusictheycallmelinzmadamerwinMairePoppy
  • Funny enough, I thought of this post while at the dr yesterday {just a check up fyi} and she asked if H and I were planning on kids and if we had an idea on when.
    I told her we were looking at TTC end of summer next year and asked about the "30 is health risk time" {since I will be 30 end of summer next year} and she said that personally she didn't see an issue for ME and should be fine. Typically issues don't arise until closer to 35 and even then depends on person's health.
    What's interesting to me- and maybe it's because I'm young (24)- is so many ladies here describe the pressure setting in at 30 and I've literally never heard of that as being the so-called "turning point."

    I always thought 35 was when you may start to run into increased risks/complications because I've always heard (over on the Bump and such) that that's the age at which you should seek medical intervention sooner if you aren't getting pregnant right away, but do people seriously think even 30 is "over the hill"? That's nuts!

    I was talking to a girlfriend (same age) the other day who was feeling bummed out about not being married yet and she literally said "At least I have like 15 years before I have to feel pressure about kids." My generation is definitely getting comfortable with waiting longer!
    SP29redwoodoriginal
  • Funny enough, I thought of this post while at the dr yesterday {just a check up fyi} and she asked if H and I were planning on kids and if we had an idea on when.
    I told her we were looking at TTC end of summer next year and asked about the "30 is health risk time" {since I will be 30 end of summer next year} and she said that personally she didn't see an issue for ME and should be fine. Typically issues don't arise until closer to 35 and even then depends on person's health.
    What's interesting to me- and maybe it's because I'm young (24)- is so many ladies here describe the pressure setting in at 30 and I've literally never heard of that as being the so-called "turning point."

    I always thought 35 was when you may start to run into increased risks/complications because I've always heard (over on the Bump and such) that that's the age at which you should seek medical intervention sooner if you aren't getting pregnant right away, but do people seriously think even 30 is "over the hill"? That's nuts!

    I was talking to a girlfriend (same age) the other day who was feeling bummed out about not being married yet and she literally said "At least I have like 15 years before I have to feel pressure about kids." My generation is definitely getting comfortable with waiting longer!
    I think it depends on the person and who's around them. I find the more kids I'm around, the more often I feel my biological clock. Then I look at my finances and remind myself I'm not ready yet.
  • I read an article that was talking about this very issue.  I apologize, I don't remember the source.

    As I'm sure you all suspect, the age of 35 is a relatively arbitrary number.  As we often pick arbitrary numbers in our society, for all kinds of things, because you need to put a benchmark/comparison somewhere.

    According to the article, women start losing fertility and have increased chances of birth defects starting in their early to mid 20s and those things increase with age.  But it is very, very slight.

    Comparing those stats between a 23-year-old and 43-year-old, will be a relatively bigger jump.  But between a 33-year-old and a 38-year-old.  Almost negligible. 

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  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Also, I think people who set these arbitrary deadlines... Think about it, when you're 18, 30 sounds ancient. The population of women who get married in college and have a first kid at 23... 30 still sounds ancient.  Heck, I know in college people would be like, "Oh, I don't want to be married until I'm like, 27!"

    It's not until you're on the other side of 30 that it doesn't seem that old at all. The years have flown by. I'm more like the movie "13 Going on 30"- 30, flirty and thriving! 
    ________________________________


    Greenjinjo charlotte989875
  • madamerwinmadamerwin member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited September 2016
    Also, I think people who set these arbitrary deadlines... Think about it, when you're 18, 30 sounds ancient. The population of women who get married in college and have a first kid at 23... 30 still sounds ancient.  Heck, I know in college people would be like, "Oh, I don't want to be married until I'm like, 27!"

    It's not until you're on the other side of 30 that it doesn't seem that old at all. The years have flown by. I'm more like the movie "13 Going on 30"- 30, flirty and thriving! 
    This is SO true. As a kid, I always thought that I wanted to be married and having my first kid at 26. By the time I was 21, that number went up to 28. By the time I met H when we were 25, I thought getting married by 30 and a kid by 32 sounded pretty good, and that's where we ended up.

    I'm 31, married, and pregnant now, and I still don't feel like a grown-up most of the time.

    ETF typo
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    SP29thisismynickname2theycallmelinzshort+sassy
  • This article popped up in my FB feed today, thought it was fitting.

    http://www.chatelaine.com/living/features-living/pregnant-over-40/



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