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Moms and Maids
Knottie1464532883
member
Underwhelming bridesmaids
Hello! This may come across as being very rude or unappreciative, but bear with me. I am trying not to complain to family and wanted to get some honest feedback to appropriately digest what is going on- and to get over it because its really distracting me from enjoying wedding planning and our engagement.
I have seven bridesmaids, including my younger sister as a MOH (she is still in college and has no experience with weddings so I have taken over most of her "duties" but let her do as much as she wants with planning). My dad insisted that we pay for their dresses right off the bat. My aunt picked out matching jewelry for everyone and we purchased their jewelry together (the dresses are plain and we thought mis-matched jewelry would be distracting). We are also paying for hair/makeup, but the girls are on their own for their shoes.
No one really took the lead as far as planning my bachelorette party goes, so I planned an entire weekend getaway (in the bridesmaids' current town for their convenience)- paid for everything as well (we did go out for drinks and dinner one night and then for brunch). No one offered to pay for any of my drinks or meals or offered to "pitch" for the house or any of the food/alcohol I purchased. Two girls brought gifts and I thought that was nice.
I also had a couples shower in the city I live in (also the hometown of 4/7 bridesmaids and the other are from cities nearby- no one came (except my MOH/sister, obviously).
I hate to seem greedy or to seem like I am paying for their things to be able to rub it in their faces, but I never received any sort of thank you or apology for not helping or anything along those lines. Am I being a bridezilla? If this is crazy on their parts, what do you recommend to "get over it"? I just feel like this is a super special time in my life and its a little underwhelming.
I have seven bridesmaids, including my younger sister as a MOH (she is still in college and has no experience with weddings so I have taken over most of her "duties" but let her do as much as she wants with planning). My dad insisted that we pay for their dresses right off the bat. My aunt picked out matching jewelry for everyone and we purchased their jewelry together (the dresses are plain and we thought mis-matched jewelry would be distracting). We are also paying for hair/makeup, but the girls are on their own for their shoes.
No one really took the lead as far as planning my bachelorette party goes, so I planned an entire weekend getaway (in the bridesmaids' current town for their convenience)- paid for everything as well (we did go out for drinks and dinner one night and then for brunch). No one offered to pay for any of my drinks or meals or offered to "pitch" for the house or any of the food/alcohol I purchased. Two girls brought gifts and I thought that was nice.
I also had a couples shower in the city I live in (also the hometown of 4/7 bridesmaids and the other are from cities nearby- no one came (except my MOH/sister, obviously).
I hate to seem greedy or to seem like I am paying for their things to be able to rub it in their faces, but I never received any sort of thank you or apology for not helping or anything along those lines. Am I being a bridezilla? If this is crazy on their parts, what do you recommend to "get over it"? I just feel like this is a super special time in my life and its a little underwhelming.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Underwhelming bridesmaids
1) Have a glass of wine and breathe
2) That is nice that you paid for their dresses and jewelry.
3) How is mismatched jewelry in anyway distracting? Can you describe the earrings the bridesmaids were wearing at the last wedding you attended? Did you even notice?
4) You are not owed a party from anyone. Sure, it's nice if someone offers but you are not owed it. And the weekend getaway you planned was just that, getting together with your friends. Your friends are not obligated to buy you drinks.
5) I wouldn't give up part of my weekend to travel to another city for a shower. My time is just as valuable as anyone else's.
6) Please tell me someone else besides you threw the shower.
7) No one will ever be as excited about your wedding as much as you.
8) Repeat step one.
The only responsibilities of your WP is to show up the day of, on time for the ceremony, relatively sober, in the agreed upon attire. No one is going to be as excited for your wedding as you and your FI.
Regarding their dresses, you may require them to purchase it, but you must first ask them their budgets individually and pick a dress that accommodates the lowest budget. Nice of you to pay for their dresses, but you offered, don't expect anything in return.
As for jewelry, hair, make up, shoes- you are not required to pay for any of this, but at the same time, you also cannot dictate any of this. If you want specific jewelry or shoes, you need to pay for it. You aren't doing your WP a favour by paying for something that you require. Likewise, any item that is for your wedding, is not a thank you gift for them (i.e. the jewelry).
The posters on here (myself included) think less is more and you should allow your BM/MOH's personality to shine through and let them pick their own jewelry, shoes, hair and make up- even dress- whatever suits them best.
As for your bacchelorette/shower- as said above, this is no one's duty to plan. These parties are offered, not demanded, nor should you be planning a party in honour of yourself. If no one offers to host a party, you don't get one. When you planned this weekend getaway, did you consult everyone for their budget first? Or did you plan first and tell them the costs/plan later? If the latter, you likely put your guests in an awkward position and maybe they couldn't afford to pitch it for your drinks/other costs. Also, if you are the one inviting them to attend a weekend getaway that you planned, it is not intuitive for them to cover your costs versus a party that was hosted on your behalf. You're essentially saying, "Come to this expensive weekend getaway I planned for myself.... and pay for me too". You also could have made this a much simpler event with one evening out.
As for the shower- an invitation is not a subpoena. No one is required to attend. I assume invitations were sent out? Was an RSVP not received? The host should have contacted any guests who did not respond to determine their RSVP. Then you'd know the attendance would be poor beforehand and could have cancelled the party if only you and your sister would be in attendance.
You are not required to be thanked. Nor are you owed an apology. Your WP has done nothing wrong here. Sure, you can be upset- for any reason- but what makes you come off as selfish and petty is how you act on it- so don't!
I'm inferring a lot, but it sounds like you've put a lot of expectations on your WP (both time and financial) without consulting them at all and they are feeling piled on to the point they are withdrawing entirely. Remember that you chose these people to be in your WP for a reason- these are your nearest and dearest, the people you couldn't imagine getting married without. Remember to treat these people first as your friends.
1) Acquire the designated outfit
2) Show up in it at the wedding ceremony on time, sober, and in good spirits
3) Process down the aisle and recess up it
4) Pose for some photos
They have no other responsibilities.
Things that are not responsibilities of bridesmaids or MOHs:
1) Throw showers or bachelorette parties for the bride
2) Attend showers, bachelorette parties or rehearsal dinners of the bride
3) Shop with the bride or attend her fittings
4) Pay for any of the bride's expenses (or anyone else's besides their own)
5) DIY projects
6) Having their hair or makeup professionally done or done by anyone not of their own choice
7) Having accessories other than those of their own choice (if not paid for by bride)
8) Any setup or cleanup duties at the wedding
9) Any security duties at the wedding
10) Anything that's a "job"
There is a false narrative out there, created by the wedding industry whose sole goal is to get you to spend money, that being in the wedding party comes with duties. They don't. Being in the wedding party is meant to honor and highlight the other close relationships in your life. Hard stop.
I think that the wedding industry has made brides think that their bridal party members should do things for the wedding and have 'duties'. The wedding industry is only interested in making money and is not correct.
The bridal party is only required to show up (mostly sober or sober depending on the nature of the ceremony), in the agreed upon attire (which should be based on the lowest budget provided that you privately asked for and does not include things like jewelry/hair/makeup ... unless you pay for it and even then it is discouraged), at the agreed time (not required to get ready together) and then pose for a FEW photos.
Some bridal party members may want to help with things or make arrangements for a shower or bachelorette party but those actions are not required.
You are sounding like you are a bridezilla. Sit back, have a drink and remind yourself that this is an important day for you and your FI but you are the only ones who need to be excited or doing 'stuff' for your day.
Nobody is obligated to throw you a bachelorette party or buy you drinks just because you're getting married. Plenty of woman (including me) don't have bachelorette parties, either because they don't want them, nobody offers, or both. They're just as married as anyone else. I understand being bummed that more of your bridesmaids weren't at the shower, but people have things going on in their lives other than your wedding, and frankly, it's a lot to expect people to travel much distance for a bridal shower. It's fantastic if they do, but you also need to accept that not everyone can or wants to take the time or expense.
You were not required to pay for your bridesmaids' dresses, and I'm not sure why you did or why you expect to be thanked for it. I also think it is very controlling to pick out your bridesmaids' jewelry. Hair, jewelry, makeup, and shoes are all pretty personal, and you really shouldn't be dictating them for other people.
Overall, it seems that you've fallen into the trap of assuming everyone is as excited about and into your wedding as you are. Well, they aren't. Stop expecting your wedding party to do anything but show up that day sober, smiling, and properly attired. Focus on the fact that you are getting married and your own excitement about it. You'll be a lot happier that way.
Then take a bath, have a drink, rub one out, go for a run, do whatever it is you do to relax and repeat "I am honoring them" until you fall asleep thinking it and wake up refreshed and ready to show your bridesmaids just how much you appreciate them and how you wish you could take back every bad thought you've thought about them that you posted here. You are not entitled to a Bachelorette party and throwing your own is AWish and inappropriate. No one is entitled to a shower, no one is entitled to envelope staffers and centerpiece makers. No one is entitled to all the other "duties" that come up in threads like these.
Where I am from, these are common duties of bridesmaids. The bachelorette weekend was more of a way for everyone to get to know each other and was in no way an excuse to be the center of attention and demand things. And as far as "honoring them" - that's great and all, and I think of them as much as I can and try to make things easier for them (i.e. buying their dresses and scheduling things to make it easier on them). I did not demand a shower- my mother in law and sister hosted them. I also did not demand envelope staffers and centerpiece markers so I'm not really sure how either of those things got brought into this.
With that said, I think I will stay off these message boards and stick to my part of the world where people say thank you and are nice.
There is no part of the country that is nicer than other parts. But, if you say something like that, then you should be nice and considerate (since you are from that part of the country) of your friends and not expect anything from them or be upset if things aren't quite the way you expected them to be. It sounds like you've had some bridal experiences (bachelorette and showers) which is more than a lot of people get. Be happy they have happened and don't dwell on them for how things turned out.
You came to the board asking for advice ... and you received it. Unlike family or friends, we have no need to sugar coat things or tip toe around situations. Feedback can be harsh but it was all very much on topic. Most of us got our asses handed to us on our first posts. We learned and then joined to help other people focus on what is important.
Your marriage is the most important thing. All that is required to get married is someone to officiate, two people, a license and perhaps some witnesses depending on where you live. Everything else is extra. The extras can be wonderful, exciting, meaningful and fun but they often cause brides to enter into the bridezilla territory. It sounds like you are in this zone or close to entering it. Easy to step back and re-enter the calm zone.
We have posters here from various parts of the world, but I would say the majority span across the U.S., Canada and the British Isles. We acknowledge there are various cultures around the world and there are cultural differences to weddings, however your description of your wedding/events sounds pretty western to me, so none different than the weddings other posters have had and attended.
I had both a bachelorette party and shower. My MOH planned my shower. My bachelorette was planned by 2 friends who were not in my WP! In both cases, they offered, I accepted, and let them plan an event they were comfortable with hosting. My MOH and BM also lived in different parts of the country, as such my MOH did not attend my bachelorette and my BM did not attend my shower; I would have thought them crazy if they said they were going to take a plane flight to attend! WP =/= party planner. Common? Sure. Required? No.
What exactly is your WP supposed to be thanking you for? You are supposed to be thanking them for standing up for you on your wedding day.
*end sarcasm*
your expectations are way too high. Aren't these your closest friends? Leave them alone.
"I was at the worst wedding last weekend. The HC were wonderful, the ceremony was beautiful, the food was great, the dance floor was hopping BUT the bridesmaids earrings didn't match! It ruined everything, I just couldn't focus on anything else".
Do do I get a do-over now?
Someone please tell me theyy feel bad for my husband, I'm filling up my bingo card.
You asked if your expectations were out of line, and the resounding answer is yes they are. As for what you do about it? Focus on the fact you had a weekend with friends, that your mother/MIL hosted a shower for you, and most importantly that you're getting married.
You want your bridal party to thank YOU, for being invited to a party thrown by YOU for YOU?
I thank a lot of people for a lot of dumb crap that is unnecessary but this just seems absurd.
Your part of the world seems to have super high expectations of people that are supposed to be the nearest and dearest to you that you choose to honour by having them stand beside you in your wedding.
It is also extremely tacky and against etiquette to plan parties in which you are the guest of honour, so planning your own Bachlorette and Shower was a big no-no.
You should honour them. They're your friends and they're honouring you by standing with you on yours and your FI's special day. Damn well thank and honour them! It doesn't even have to be huge if the budget isn't there.
No where were you berated.
What about those who don't have a wedding party? My coworker got married and didn't have a wedding party at all, so by the 'common duties' she would miss out. She did not. Other people stepped up and offered to host things for her.
Drop your expectations of people lower. Even if 'your part of the world' is different, not everyone is the same.
FWIW these ladies know what they are talking about, they are being nice and none of them have to say 'thank you' to you ..
You asked them to stand beside you on your wedding day. All the other days of the year that aren't your wedding day? They aren't your bridesmaids - they are your friends and family (with their own lives to live). Remember? The people you supposedly couldn't see yourself getting married without having them by your side? They are not required to throw you parties and buy you things leading up to that day. Anyone (except you - you really crossed the line on the bachelorette party) can throw you a party. If no one offers, then you just don't get one (but you can still get married - the government has no party requirements in order to get married). And if it really wasn't a bachelorette but you wanted it to be a get-to-know-everyone party, then you rightly should have been paying for that.
Readjust your expectations, remember that these people are your friends and family first and not your entourage, and maybe rethink bragging about how you're from a "part of the world that's nice" considering you're a) on here complaining that your friends (who are from the same part of the world as you) are unappreciative and don't say thank you so it can't be that nice there, and b) you're calling your friends ungrateful and underwhelming and complaining about them behind their backs on an easily searchable public message board, which doesn't exactly strike me as the hallmark of nice behavior. Would your friends think it's nice if they found out you are "underwhelmed" with their performance as your unpaid entourage?
Ok I'll stop. It just always astounds me when someone has an event all about them, an event about two specific people for 6-8 hours and friends give them the time and money to be a part of it and yet people like OP still find a way to make it seem like others aren't doing enough for them.