Sh*t your partner says

bleve0821 · September 2016

Last night, H informed me that I am "middle-aged," and I've been a "middle-aged woman" for a couple of years now, so I shouldn't complain about new lines on my forehead.

...I guess 29 is the new 40.

short+sassy · September 2016

Neither my H nor I had a passport, but we want to plan a trip to Europe. So, back in May, we went to the county clerk together to apply for one.

I'm 42, he's 51. So I do occasionally tease him about his age.

As we are walking through the parking lot, I gave him all my documents to hold. Which, of course, includes my birth certificate.

In pure innocence, he wasn't even trying to rib me, he says, "Wow, your birth certificate is really old and tattered." The look on his face was PRICELESS as he spoke the last word, because he realized how BAD that sounded.

I gave him a stern side-eye and said, "Did you really just say that my BIRTH certificate is old and tattered?" His downcast response was, "Yes, I'm a bad man to my beautiful, youthful looking wife." LMAO.

MissKittyDanger · September 2016

AtomicBlonde said:

Last night, H informed me that I am "middle-aged," and I've been a "middle-aged woman" for a couple of years now, so I shouldn't complain about new lines on my forehead.

...I guess 29 is the new 40.

I would murder my H if he said this without it being a joke. I'm sensitive about my age - especially being close to 30

MissKittyDanger · September 2016

Any time my H 'puts his foot in his mouth' is when he tries to relay any joking insult back.
Ex; me: your back is all red
him: YOUR BACK is all red ...

Earlier this week we were discussing his weight {it is of concern but he does NOTHING about it ... so frustrating!}

Me; the fact you do nothing about your weight concerns me. Do you WANT to have health issues? There's a lot of weight related issues in your family.

Him: YOUR WEIGHT CONCERNS ME

*I stare at him. He realizes what he said and rallies*

Him: you're obviously the perfect weight and i don't want others to be jealous? *smiles innocently*

Me: *walks away* nice attemped save ... *trying not to laugh at lame response*

VarunaTT · September 2016

K and I went to a brewery. We each ordered a beer flight. He asked K for her ID. I made some joke about carding me. He said, "Oh no, I trust you." I said, "So, you card my child girlfriend, but not me?" The look on his face was priceless, K and I were choking back laughter, b/c I did feel kind of bad that he misread the situation so terribly.

thefanciestbeckler · September 2016

I'm super self-conscious about my weight right now. I've gained about 60 lbs in the last 2 years.

DH told me that I was "voluptuous" (in regards to my figure) the other day. He thoroughly meant it as a compliment but I had a hard time not punching his lights out.

short+sassy · September 2016

thefanciestbeckler said:

I'm super self-conscious about my weight right now. I've gained about 60 lbs in the last 2 years.
DH told me that I was "voluptuous" (in regards to my figure) the other day. He thoroughly meant it as a compliment but I had a hard time not punching his lights out.

I actually like this word. To me, it denotes a figure that is fabulous in a curvy way. Like Sofia Vergara. No one would describe her as even slightly overweight. But she is most certainly voluptuous. She's my girl crush!

Have you had your thyroid levels checked? A low thyroid will cause a fairly rapid...and I'd call 60 lbs. in 2 years rapid...weight gain. Alas, I've had it happen to me to because of low thyroid levels.

short+sassy · September 2016

MissKittyDanger said:

Any time my H 'puts his foot in his mouth' is when he tries to relay any joking insult back.
Ex; me: your back is all red
him: YOUR BACK is all red ...

Earlier this week we were discussing his weight {it is of concern but he does NOTHING about it ... so frustrating!}

Me; the fact you do nothing about your weight concerns me. Do you WANT to have health issues? There's a lot of weight related issues in your family.

Him: YOUR WEIGHT CONCERNS ME

*I stare at him. He realizes what he said and rallies*

Him: you're obviously the perfect weight and i don't want others to be jealous? *smiles innocently*

Me: *walks away* nice attemped save ... *trying not to laugh at lame response*

I don't know if you watch Family Guy, but Peter does responses like that all the time to criticism.

There was one episode where he had gotten an enormous 6-figure check from the unemployment office. Obviously an error. He was about to be caught and Brian (the dog) tells him he needs to 'fess up to Lois (P's wife). So he goes in the kitchen to tell her, but is nervous and doesn't want to, and accidentally says, "You're fat."

He goes back out to Brian who asks him, "Did you tell her?" Peter: "No, I told her she is fat." Brian smacks Peter on the nose with a newspaper and says, "NO! Bad Peter!"

ShesSoCold · September 2016

short+sassy said:

thefanciestbeckler said:

I'm super self-conscious about my weight right now. I've gained about 60 lbs in the last 2 years.
DH told me that I was "voluptuous" (in regards to my figure) the other day. He thoroughly meant it as a compliment but I had a hard time not punching his lights out.

I actually like this word. To me, it denotes a figure that is fabulous in a curvy way. Like Sofia Vergara. No one would describe her as even slightly overweight. But she is most certainly voluptuous. She's my girl crush!
Have you had your thyroid levels checked? A low thyroid will cause a fairly rapid...and I'd call 60 lbs. in 2 years rapid...weight gain. Alas, I've had it happen to me to because of low thyroid levels.

Voluptuous in and of itself isn't bad, but I'd be upset if H said it to me after weight gain too.

I'm kinda trying to lose weight (trying to just eat better and work out more, rather than do a big to-do diet where I'll gain back when it's over) and H is really trying hard to be all "way to go! good for you!" without me hearing "please lose weight, fatty". But he's being weird and won't even answer me for fear that I'll think he's saying I'm fat. Just tell me if the pants look better, FFS.

MissKittyDanger · September 2016

short+sassy said:

MissKittyDanger said:

Any time my H 'puts his foot in his mouth' is when he tries to relay any joking insult back.
Ex; me: your back is all red
him: YOUR BACK is all red ...

Earlier this week we were discussing his weight {it is of concern but he does NOTHING about it ... so frustrating!}

Me; the fact you do nothing about your weight concerns me. Do you WANT to have health issues? There's a lot of weight related issues in your family.

Him: YOUR WEIGHT CONCERNS ME

*I stare at him. He realizes what he said and rallies*

Him: you're obviously the perfect weight and i don't want others to be jealous? *smiles innocently*

Me: *walks away* nice attemped save ... *trying not to laugh at lame response*

I don't know if you watch Family Guy, but Peter does responses like that all the time to criticism.
There was one episode where he had gotten an enormous 6-figure check from the unemployment office. Obviously an error. He was about to be caught and Brian (the dog) tells him he needs to 'fess up to Lois (P's wife). So he goes in the kitchen to tell her, but is nervous and doesn't want to, and accidentally says, "You're fat."
He goes back out to Brian who asks him, "Did you tell her?" Peter: "No, I told her she is fat." Brian smacks Peter on the nose with a newspaper and says, "NO! Bad Peter!"

1st bolded
That's where my H got it from .... sometimes funny, mostly lame. {H's response is funnier than the show in my opinion

2nd bolded
I do that to my H sometimes when he does this after seeing the ep :')

thefanciestbeckler · September 2016

short+sassy said:

thefanciestbeckler said:

I'm super self-conscious about my weight right now. I've gained about 60 lbs in the last 2 years.
DH told me that I was "voluptuous" (in regards to my figure) the other day. He thoroughly meant it as a compliment but I had a hard time not punching his lights out.

I actually like this word. To me, it denotes a figure that is fabulous in a curvy way. Like Sofia Vergara. No one would describe her as even slightly overweight. But she is most certainly voluptuous. She's my girl crush!
Have you had your thyroid levels checked? A low thyroid will cause a fairly rapid...and I'd call 60 lbs. in 2 years rapid...weight gain. Alas, I've had it happen to me to because of low thyroid levels.

I have. Everything checked out normal. To be fair, I was EXTREMELY thin a few years ago. My doc told me I needed to gain weight, so I did.. and then I just never stopped

I should have clarified, I like the word voluptuous too, and I know it doesn't have a negative connotation. I just wasn't thrilled about hearing it with how I've been feeling lately. lol

bleve0821 · September 2016

short+sassy said:

thefanciestbeckler said:

I'm super self-conscious about my weight right now. I've gained about 60 lbs in the last 2 years.
DH told me that I was "voluptuous" (in regards to my figure) the other day. He thoroughly meant it as a compliment but I had a hard time not punching his lights out.

I actually like this word. To me, it denotes a figure that is fabulous in a curvy way. Like Sofia Vergara. No one would describe her as even slightly overweight. But she is most certainly voluptuous. She's my girl crush!
Have you had your thyroid levels checked? A low thyroid will cause a fairly rapid...and I'd call 60 lbs. in 2 years rapid...weight gain. Alas, I've had it happen to me to because of low thyroid levels.

I like the word, too, but there's a difference between Sophia Vergara's "voluptuousness" and the average woman's (especially if she's petite!). It's a very subjective word, and I feel like it works on a case-by-case basis. Like "buxom." I immediately think "boobs," but the definition is also "plump." I don't think the latter, but that doesn't mean the woman next to me on the train would consider it a compliment.

NOLABridesmaid · September 2016

Don't bring up middle age. I'm having middle age sleep issues. I have never had any issues sleeping at least 7 hours a night, straight.

It's been a month of waking up at 3 or 4 in the morning. EVERY NIGHT!!!!!!!

The only thing that's different is I'm 43. Boo. Changes have started. Help me, Lord. I'm tired.

*Barbie* · September 2016

DK is 3 months younger than me - I turned 33 in June, he'll be 33 in a few weeks. One of the things that he got me for my birthday was this skincare set from Peter Thomas Roth. (It was a good gift - I like a lot of his products, and have used the peel pads before. I'm big on preventative skincare.)
You better believe that I gave him crap about getting me "unwrinkle" products on my birthday - "are you saying that I look old and dried up?"

Image: http://www.sephora.com/productimages/sku/s1815844-main-Lhero.jpg

drid · September 2016

I've been letting my hair grow for about a year, and I've been trying not to colour it and prevent as much damage and possible so it will keep growing and be nice and healthy. I finally got the remnants of my previous full blonde self which morphed into "my cheap girl ombré", so now I'm just at my normal mousy natural brownish colour. That being said, I don't style it often, so last weekend we were going out and I had it nice and straight, FI turns to me and says "drid, your hair is brown as shit!"

and then there was a lot of back pedalling, because I must have had a surprised look on my face.

OurWildKingdom · September 2016

AtomicBlonde said:

Last night, H informed me that I am "middle-aged," and I've been a "middle-aged woman" for a couple of years now, so I shouldn't complain about new lines on my forehead.

...I guess 29 is the new 40.

I'm 41 and refuse to call myself "middle-aged." 29 is young!

I love this thread. I'll have to think of some examples.

ETA: FW has called me "Mom" a couple of times. I'm not a fan of that for obvious reasons. Don't get me wrong, FMIL is awesome and I adore her. But your partner calling you "Mom" is icky.

levioosa · September 2016

I think I've shared this before. It wasn't said to me, but SO told an ex girlfriend she had "cottage cheese thighs." He meant it as a compliment. Because the girl in the cottage cheese commercial on TV was cute and skinny, so he was trying to tell his ex gf that she was cute and skinny. Needless to say, that's not the way she took it.

He likes to tell me that I'm "homely," and he doesn't understand why it's not a compliment. He thinks it means that "I'm his home." He doesn't get that it's a nicer way of calling someone ugly. "You're my home" = cute. "You're homely" = not so endearing.

He says so much shit all the time. I can't remember any other examples right now, but I'm sure it won't be long. lol.

OurWildKingdom · September 2016

@levioosa, time to show SO this meme.

CMGragain · September 2016

For us, it isn't about our looks. It's more about housework.

Wifey, YOUR cat threw up. Somebody should clean it up before it stains the carpet! (It's only MY cat when he throws up.)
Wifey, the toilet needs cleaning.
Wifey, I can't find my underwear. Have you done laundry this week?
Wifey, the kitchen floor looks dirty. Somebody should clean it.

I chose to stay married to man who is stuck in the 1950s. My choice.

OurWildKingdom · September 2016

CMGragain said:

For us, it isn't about our looks. It's more about housework.

Wifey, YOUR cat threw up. Somebody should clean it up before it stains the carpet! (It's only MY cat when he throws up.)
Wifey, the toilet needs cleaning.
Wifey, I can't find my underwear. Have you done laundry this week?
Wifey, the kitchen floor looks dirty. Somebody should clean it.

I chose to stay married to man who is stuck in the 1950s. My choice.

I'm guilty of saying, "FW, do you know what YOUR DOG did?"

levioosa · September 2016

@OurWildKingdom I just showed him and he laughed. I have no hope of him stopping though. lol

charlotte989875 · September 2016

My gym was closing and I was bummed because I needed to find a new one. We were driving around one day and he says, "You should try that Curves place, they have a ton of locations".

Thanks, H, not exactly what I was looking for.

drunkenwitch · September 2016

NOLABridesmaid said:

Don't bring up middle age. I'm having middle age sleep issues. I have never had any issues sleeping at least 7 hours a night, straight.
It's been a month of waking up at 3 or 4 in the morning. EVERY NIGHT!!!!!!!

The only thing that's different is I'm 43. Boo. Changes have started. Help me, Lord. I'm tired.

Oh lords of light, is that what's going on with me? Asks the woman who will 41 in two months and woke up at 4am and couldn't get back to sleep so she gave up and put on some Dolly Parton movies.

drunkenwitch · September 2016

It's funny, I'm the one in the relationship who is constantly putting my foot in it, he never does because he always stops and thinks before he speaks. The downside is when his engineer brain kicks in and I can see him calculating all the possible outcomes of his next sentence and I just want to scream "SPIT! IT! OUT!"

Seriously, the man can take forever to finish a sentence.

CMGragain · September 2016

drunkenwitch said:

It's funny, I'm the one in the relationship who is constantly putting my foot in it, he never does because he always stops and thinks before he speaks. The downside is when his engineer brain kicks in and I can see him calculating all the possible outcomes of his next sentence and I just want to scream "SPIT! IT! OUT!"

Seriously, the man can take forever to finish a sentence.

Yes, my engineer DH talks backwards. Instead of a simple sentence structure, "I'm going to mow the lawn," he says "Because I watched TV this morning (pause), and because I was out late last night with the astronomy club, (pause) I should have come home earlier, (pause) I was really tired this morning, (pause), anyway, I think I should mow the lawn." Augh! He is not capable of answering a simple Yes or No question.

drunkenwitch · September 2016

CMGragain said:

drunkenwitch said:

It's funny, I'm the one in the relationship who is constantly putting my foot in it, he never does because he always stops and thinks before he speaks. The downside is when his engineer brain kicks in and I can see him calculating all the possible outcomes of his next sentence and I just want to scream "SPIT! IT! OUT!"

Seriously, the man can take forever to finish a sentence.

Yes, my engineer DH talks backwards. Instead of a simple sentence structure, "I'm going to mow the lawn," he says "Because I watched TV this morning (pause), and because I was out late last night with the astronomy club, (pause) I should have come home earlier, (pause) I was really tired this morning, (pause), anyway, I think I should mow the lawn." Augh! He is not capable of answering a simple Yes or No question.

So true. It helps me stay patient if I picture his glasses as a computer screen running code.

Girlfriend asked question
Must answer
Calculating all possible outcomes
Running analysis
Based on data collected the optimum answer is...

kimmiinthemitten · September 2016

I was Facetiming with my niece yesterday. Our big thing is I make faces and she copies them (she's 16 months ish). Well FI walked in as I was furrowing my brow and said "what are you doing, counting your forehead wrinkles?"

kvruns · September 2016

I'm 30 weeks pregnant and my feet have been swelling off and on for the last 10ish weeks. Friday we went to a movie and I think sitting and not moving for 2 hours caused them to swell and we got home and I put my feet up on him and he's like damn those are sausage feet and then proceeded to sing "this little piggy" on the toes and about the last one being fat or something. I almost kicked him in his face.

He also makes comments if I'm complaining sometimes, and I hardly ever do it but yes sometimes I'm going to say uhhh I feel so full bc I get full easy, or I can't breathe when I tie my shoes. STFU and just dont say anything, dont tell me I complain too much.

kvruns · September 2016

CMGragain said:

Yes, my engineer DH talks backwards. Instead of a simple sentence structure, "I'm going to mow the lawn," he says "Because I watched TV this morning (pause), and because I was out late last night with the astronomy club, (pause) I should have come home earlier, (pause) I was really tired this morning, (pause), anyway, I think I should mow the lawn." Augh! He is not capable of answering a simple Yes or No question.

Mine is the same way, and forget about him telling a story it takes forever with a bunch of randomness that has nothing to do with the story. My dad is this way too, although dad is more of the long pause man and it's just like speed it up man

*Barbie* · September 2016

kvruns said:

I'm 30 weeks pregnant and my feet have been swelling off and on for the last 10ish weeks. Friday we went to a movie and I think sitting and not moving for 2 hours caused them to swell and we got home and I put my feet up on him and he's like damn those are sausage feet and then proceeded to sing "this little piggy" on the toes and about the last one being fat or something. I almost kicked him in his face.

He also makes comments if I'm complaining sometimes, and I hardly ever do it but yes sometimes I'm going to say uhhh I feel so full bc I get full easy, or I can't breathe when I tie my shoes. STFU and just dont say anything, dont tell me I complain too much.

he deserves a punch in the junk for that crap ^^^
pregnancy was hell for me and i fully support your right to complain. he needs to stfu or be more supportive - e.g. take you shoe shopping for a comfortable pair of slip-ons.

kvruns · September 2016

*Barbie* said:

kvruns said:

I'm 30 weeks pregnant and my feet have been swelling off and on for the last 10ish weeks. Friday we went to a movie and I think sitting and not moving for 2 hours caused them to swell and we got home and I put my feet up on him and he's like damn those are sausage feet and then proceeded to sing "this little piggy" on the toes and about the last one being fat or something. I almost kicked him in his face.

He also makes comments if I'm complaining sometimes, and I hardly ever do it but yes sometimes I'm going to say uhhh I feel so full bc I get full easy, or I can't breathe when I tie my shoes. STFU and just dont say anything, dont tell me I complain too much.

he deserves a punch in the junk for that crap ^^^
pregnancy was hell for me and i fully support your right to complain. he needs to stfu or be more supportive - e.g. take you shoe shopping for a comfortable pair of slip-ons.

the feet thing I was actually laughing during it because I'm the one who brings it up but the complaining thing I was just like wtf. I just feel like he's not as supportive as I'd like him to be, and I think it is because (knock on wood) I've had an easy pregnancy so I just seem normal. I think if I'd been having a bunch of sickness or big issues he'd be different but for the most part it is just I'm normal but my pants don't fit lol. But it doesn't excuse it and it certainly pisses me off at times and I do try to say it would be nice if you XYZ or remember I'm pregnant and sometimes blah blah blah is what I need.

Sh*t your partner says

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