On which hill did you die?

Moppet82 · September 2016

Hey, ladies! Not sure if Chit Chat is the place for this question, so please alert me if I should move it (or if I can move it) elsewhere.

So, we got married!! ~Actually, it happened in May, but I've been MIA for awhile.~ It was the best day of my life. And, thanks to all the wonderful advice given on these boards, I think we hosted an amazing reception!

However, it took sometime to get DH on board with open bar. It is more common in my area for couples to host wine & beer only, or host nothing at all. I have never been to a wedding where there was an open bar. After lurking here, I knew it was an absolute must. So, by using some of the advice given here over the course of months, ("But, honey, do we want our guests to open their wallets?" "Well, they are adults who can choose to drink how much they want, and if there is a problem (which there wasn't) the bartender can cut them off." "Why get a string quartet only too chintz out on the bar?") DH finally agreed. It was awesome and everyone loved it!

So my question to you, is on which hill did you die, and how did you convince your SO to get your way?

Also, bonus pictures from the big day! Sorry they're so effing big--can't figure out how to make them smaller.

Image: https://us.v-cdn.net/5020756/uploads/editor/tm/vho9z1ooozxf.jpg

Image: https://us.v-cdn.net/5020756/uploads/editor/7k/qmo1d39op7c1.jpg

Image: https://us.v-cdn.net/5020756/uploads/editor/se/n269pw740cpm.jpg

Image: https://us.v-cdn.net/5020756/uploads/editor/tl/mfurc3hsm2t4.jpg

julieanne912 · September 2016

Congrats, what a fun dress!

TBH, H didn't really have a lot of input in our wedding. He "signed off" on stuff but really, he didn't care about much as long as we had a good DJ, and plenty of alcohol, which we did. So, thankfully, I didn't have to convince him to do anything "my way". He was pretty adamant about our first dance song too, but I didn't have strong feelings either way about it so we just went with his choice.

My mom thought we should have handed out drink tickets to limit the number of drinks from the open bar. She doesn't drink so I think she thought people were going to get totally tanked and cause trouble, which didn't happen. She also didn't want any of her money going to pay for the bar, which I wasn't planning on anyway, knowing how she feels about drinking.

Jells2dot0 · September 2016

Congrats!

I am deep in thought over here in regards to my wedding. I honestly think we agreed on everything. I find that hard to believe because there is usually something that requires a compromise. We both immediately agreed on the type of wedding and where to have it, which were the two biggest aspects for us. Since there wasn't much else to plan and I made and paid for all of the arrangements, he just sat back and let it happen! I guess he couldn't argue over anything when all he had to do was show up. LOL

Moppet82 · September 2016

Oh, my goodness, I had the same problem with my Mom, too! Luckily, it wasn't up to her; and as promised, everyone had no problem controlling themselves.

CharmedPam · September 2016

such a lovely dress! I'm in love with the blue bridesmaids dresses. Now I wish I had that color! looks great.

FI is just generally agreeable with anything we do, so I don't think there was any teeth pulling with anything. He did want shoestring fries as one of our app selections. I really should have given in since it's his wedding too, but he gets french fries every. single. place. we go to. I steered him to more uh...elegant selection since I think our guests would want to try something not so common.

ILoveBeachMusic · September 2016

I'm not the bride but the MOB. My now SIL wanted to B list someone (two weeks before the wedding). I said absolutely not then explained why. Both he and DD still wish they had done it, but H and I were paying for the wedding so I put my foot down. That was the only thing though. I did tell them I wanted a formal invitation but they were fine with that.

charlotte989875 · September 2016

My Mom wanted to B-list (they were paying). That was our hill to die on, but H definitely didn't need convincing, he was more outraged than I was. Which might just mean I'm used to her crazy requests.

NavyBlue143 · September 2016

H and I had the same disagreement. In the end I won out, by arguing that we were asking our friends to travel for the wedding and pay for hotels and we couldn't charge them for alcohol too. He was glad we did an open bar in the end.

My other hill to die on was my mom not being allowed to invite a friend who ruined every event he was invited to, including my shower, by getting drunk and assaulting people. She fought and begged and pleaded, and I finally said if he was more important than me getting one family event without the cops showing up because of him, then she wasn't welcome either. Got my way on that one. He's in jail now for assaulting an old woman and a police officer.

downtondiva · September 2016

This is kind of a silly one, but I really, really wanted chocolate frosting on our wedding cake. Husband wanted white because it was more traditional. I explained to him that he was arguing against more chocolate and that was just silly. I won.

WinstonsGirl · September 2016

Congratulations!! You look beautiful.

I died on the photographer hill. After working with our photos. at my Brother's wedding, I wanted them if I ever got married. They cost an arm and a leg, but they were worth every penny. They also gave us a sweet deal on flying them out to Hawaii with us (2 nights hotel only, and the inter island flight from Maui), so it was a good deal in that sense. DH is glad we got them now since we love our photos

ei34 · September 2016

Congrats! What a pretty dress!
DH and I were in agreement over everything except inviting his good friend's (who happened to be a GM) girlfriend. They'd been together for almost a year and we'd met her a few times; I wasn't wild about her but DH couldn't stand her and didn't want her to come. He insisted that his friend didn't want her to come and said he'd have more fun coming solo. I said that we had to at least invite her and let the decision be his friend's. (At the very least I didn't want to be the bad guy not even inviting her.) DH was right- his friend came without her, and they've since broken up.

charlotte989875 · September 2016

downtondiva said:

This is kind of a silly one, but I really, really wanted chocolate frosting on our wedding cake. Husband wanted white because it was more traditional. I explained to him that he was arguing against more chocolate and that was just silly. I won.

My H also wanted chocolate frosting. We did sheet cakes and a fake display so we had both chocolate and vanilla. I hate chocolate frosting.

spockforprez · September 2016

downtondiva said:

This is kind of a silly one, but I really, really wanted chocolate frosting on our wedding cake. Husband wanted white because it was more traditional. I explained to him that he was arguing against more chocolate and that was just silly. I won.

I'm in the chocolate wedding cake club, too. We had this delicious, gigantic, almost-too-rich monster from Costco and it was the best thing I ever put in my face:

Image: http://fromabirdseyeview.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/all-american-chocolate-cake.jpg

CMGragain · September 2016

I had a few budget issues with DH when we were planning (and paying for) daughter's wedding. I had him sit down in front of the TV a watch some wedding porn. He was in shock. After realizing that we weren't proposing to buy a Pnina Tornei $20,000 dress, he stopped objecting. He still whines about it occasionally, but his buddies, who also have daughters, set him straight and told he him was lucky to get off so easy.
Thank you, Randy!

SP29 · September 2016

Congratulations! Beautiful dress.

I didn't really have any hills to die on- DH and I didn't have any big struggles.

We did have MIL suggest inviting guests to the dance portion only- to which we both responded NO!

My own parents were baffled at letting WP SO's sit at the head table. "But you don't do that, it's a head table!" Then I explained, and all was well. Interestingly enough, my dad got re-married this month, and at his wedding their head table included SOs! Yay dad!

When we started the processional, I heard a few guests comment, "The bridesmaid dresses are different!". I told my BP, "midnight blue, David's Bridal, cocktail length". They ended up in the same colour, different fabric, and vastly different styles.

short+sassy · September 2016

spockforprez said:

downtondiva said:

This is kind of a silly one, but I really, really wanted chocolate frosting on our wedding cake. Husband wanted white because it was more traditional. I explained to him that he was arguing against more chocolate and that was just silly. I won.

I'm in the chocolate wedding cake club, too. We had this delicious, gigantic, almost-too-rich monster from Costco and it was the best thing I ever put in my face:

I get the monster Costco choco cake for my H's birthday every year. It is both a sight to behold and delicious!

Fortunately, I didn't really have any "hills to die on" with either my H or my mom (who planned the majority of the ceremony/reception). Though, speaking of cake, I did request she change the groom's cake. I thought she was going to talk to me before she ordered the cakes, but she didn't and got a choco cake with macadamia nuts. My H doesn't like macadamia nuts and had wanted the choco cake with a raspberry filling. I didn't think it was a big deal. It was a few months before the wedding, she had just placed the order, there was no cost to change it. But she seemed annoyed about it.

TheMostHappy15 · September 2016

I guess the only real wedding-related struggle we had was over the guest list. H and I both had to put our foot down with my MIL, who was not paying but wanted to invite more of her extended family than we could accommodate- though I don't know if that's really a "hill to die on" issue.

The only disagreement H and I had between ourselves was the question of inviting some of his buddies from high school, who he admittedly was no longer close to at the time of the wedding but felt some compulsion to include (I suspect largely because they made a comment to his parents that indicated they were expecting an invite). It was a group of four guys, all of whom had SOs at the time, so I told him there was really no way we could accommodate eight additional people without really reworking our whole budget (we only invited about 55 people total). He wanted to invite them without SOs but I vetoed that- ultimately he decided not to invite any of them because he realized he was wanting them to be there more out of obligation/nostalgia than any real desire to share the day with them.

missJeanLouise · September 2016

Not really any hills to die on but FH didn't think we needed to include SO at the head table. We ended up going with a sweetheart table anyway. There weren't any real battles just a lot of misconceptions from FH because he wasn't aware of other ways to do things.

southernbelle0915 · September 2016

I died on the gap hill. DH thought it would be nice to have "time to relax and take photos". Nope!

lyndausvi · September 2016

You look beautiful.

No hills. We (DH and my parents) were all basically on the same page. A few things were not really hills, but the other person decided they didn't actually care about the subject after all.

Like my mom really wanted personalized napkins. I think they are a complete waste. No lie, we throw away entire unopened boxes every wedding I work. Anyway, it's her money and my dislike of personalized napkins wasn't so strong I had to fight not to have them.

8 years later I still have a few in the house. At least mom didn't put dates or make it wedding-y. They could and have been used over the years for various events.

kvruns · September 2016

lyndausvi said:

You look beautiful.

No hills. We (DH and my parents) were all basically on the same page. A few things were not really hills, but the other person decided they didn't actually care about the subject after all.

Like my mom really wanted personalized napkins. I think they are a complete waste. No lie, we throw away entire unopened boxes every wedding I work. Anyway, it's her money and my dislike of personalized napkins wasn't so strong I had to fight not to have them.

8 years later I still have a few in the house. At least mom didn't put dates or make it wedding-y. They could and have been used over the years for various events.

are there any shelters or pantries around that might be able to use those?

banana468 · September 2016

The only major fight was with my mom who didn't understand why I wanted my dress bustled. Yeah, I won that one.

lyndausvi · September 2016

kvruns said:

lyndausvi said:

You look beautiful.

No hills. We (DH and my parents) were all basically on the same page. A few things were not really hills, but the other person decided they didn't actually care about the subject after all.

Like my mom really wanted personalized napkins. I think they are a complete waste. No lie, we throw away entire unopened boxes every wedding I work. Anyway, it's her money and my dislike of personalized napkins wasn't so strong I had to fight not to have them.

8 years later I still have a few in the house. At least mom didn't put dates or make it wedding-y. They could and have been used over the years for various events.

are there any shelters or pantries around that might be able to use those?

I live in a small mountain town, there aren't really any shelters around here. I'm sure the town 30 miles away must have one, but not in my town.

It's even hard to find a clothes drop off places around here. A ton of consignment shops, but good ole "goodwill" type places? Nope. The town 30 miles away has a church to drop off clothes, so we store things until we have enough to do a big run.

Casadena · September 2016

The garter toss. I think they're gross and uncomfortable to watch, let alone participate in. I refused and he was was adamant because "well everyone else has done it and they expect it!" Which was true - 17 weddings attended together in the 4 years we dated and every single couple did it. Don't care, still gross.

MCmeow · September 2016

We're still a long way to go (8 months) but with a 22-month long engagement we've planned a lot of stuff ahead. We agree on mostly everything but sometimes there's a culture clash when it comes to etiquette. We're doing an American wedding as a middle ground and trying to add a little bit of each of our cultures, but there are some things in Chinese weddings (that I respect of course) but it would be seen as rude in American weddings, especially since we aren't doing a specifically Chinese or Dominican wedding.

So there is a high expectation of getting money in Chinese weddings, someone stands at the envelope box and takes the envelopes. I find this strange in our situation because it's a person we assign (he wants a groomsman to do it) and they stand there while guests come in and expect money? I don't like that at all.

Also it's ok to not invite spouses if you don't know the spouse.

So the spouse thing is DEFINITELY something I went against (and won), and the envelope thing will be something I die on as well, trying to figure out how to win that one...

other than those two, everything is peachy

julieanne912 · September 2016

Casadena said:

The garter toss. I think they're gross and uncomfortable to watch, let alone participate in. I refused and he was was adamant because "well everyone else has done it and they expect it!" Which was true - 17 weddings attended together in the 4 years we dated and every single couple did it. Don't care, still gross.

Heh, our DJ was shocked that I was adamant about not doing a garter or bouquet toss. He kept asking me if I was sure, and that every single other wedding he's worked at has done it. I'm like yup, pretty sure.

lyndausvi · September 2016

julieanne912 said:

Casadena said:

The garter toss. I think they're gross and uncomfortable to watch, let alone participate in. I refused and he was was adamant because "well everyone else has done it and they expect it!" Which was true - 17 weddings attended together in the 4 years we dated and every single couple did it. Don't care, still gross.

Heh, our DJ was shocked that I was adamant about not doing a garter or bouquet toss. He kept asking me if I was sure, and that every single other wedding he's worked at has done it. I'm like yup, pretty sure.

We didn't have either and it wasn't missed. 90% of the weddings I've worked in the last few years haven't had them either. If they do it's only the bouquet. On the rare occasion there is a bouquet toss I'm like "umm. I forgot people still do those." LOL

glasgowtolondon · September 2016

We had two hills to die on with my parents - open bar and wedding in London. They aren't even paying but they still to this day think we are making a huge mistake with both of those things and we are 18days out in a 14month engagement. Lets see if my Mum can stop herself from mentioning them on the day!

With FI it was B listing. He was like "we'll just invite johnny and julie to the evening do!". No, darling, we certainly will not.

Eta autocorrect

SP29 · September 2016

MCmeow said:

So there is a high expectation of getting money in Chinese weddings, someone stands at the envelope box and takes the envelopes. I find this strange in our situation because it's a person we assign (he wants a groomsman to do it) and they stand there while guests come in and expect money? I don't like that at all.

If there is a card box, I don't understand why someone needs to stand there to collect envelopes- that's what the box is for! I would re-iterate that to your FI, "Hun, this is WHY we have a card box! Don't make your GM stand around bored while guests filter in".

I understand there may be some cultural things that are expected on the Chinese side that seem weird to North Americans. If there are any Chinese traditions that MUST be done and need to have someone "supervise", I would tell your FI that if so, he needs to find someone from the culture to supervise it (like a sibling or cousin), as they will understand, versus one of his groomsmen (unless they are also of same culture) who may find it rude or boring.

ei34 · September 2016

@spockforprez @short+sassy
That cake looks insane I have no idea where it's been all my life but thank you for the introduction! We just got a Costco membership this will be on the next list! And lol short+sassy my DH isn't a chocolate guy at all, but your DH's choc-raspberry groom's cake is my idea of heaven!

MCmeow · September 2016

SP29 said:

MCmeow said:

So there is a high expectation of getting money in Chinese weddings, someone stands at the envelope box and takes the envelopes. I find this strange in our situation because it's a person we assign (he wants a groomsman to do it) and they stand there while guests come in and expect money? I don't like that at all.

If there is a card box, I don't understand why someone needs to stand there to collect envelopes- that's what the box is for! I would re-iterate that to your FI, "Hun, this is WHY we have a card box! Don't make your GM stand around bored while guests filter in".

I understand there may be some cultural things that are expected on the Chinese side that seem weird to North Americans. If there are any Chinese traditions that MUST be done and need to have someone "supervise", I would tell your FI that if so, he needs to find someone from the culture to supervise it (like a sibling or cousin), as they will understand, versus one of his groomsmen (unless they are also of same culture) who may find it rude or boring.

His groomsmen are all of the same culture as him, so I guess the concern is more from the reaction of the guests and really because I rather the guy enjoy cocktail hour or be with us instead of alone waiting for guests! Hope I win this one! But if worse comes to worse at least his groomsmen (whoever he chooses) would understand it as a culture thing.

On which hill did you die?

Re: On which hill did you die?

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