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Wedding Etiquette Forum
perdonami
member
NWR: Baby Shower Etiquette
Hello fellow knotties,
My SIL has asked me to throw her a baby shower. Apparently, she has no one else to throw her one, so I agreed.
She wants a big shower and originally told me she wanted to invite 30 people but was unsure of who to invite on her husband's side (which is my husband's brother). Since, my MIL is helping me throw this shower and has decided to help pay for most of it, I felt she should be able to invite whomever she wants from her side of the family, minus the original 30 my SIL provided me with.
We picked a venue that hosts 50 people (and already reserved the date and paid the deposit), as a result, my MIL filled in the remaining spots with my SIL's husband's family and my MIL's close friends.
We ordered the invitations and even addressed them and they are about to be shipped, until I got another email from my SIL. She has requested to invite another 15 people. Unfortunately, we are already at 49.
I have never thrown a baby shower before and am not sure exactly what is proper etiquette, but I think once the mother to be has provided her guest list, that is about the only input she really has. And to add on additional guests last minute, seems unfair to the hosts.
Also, she has dictated the food, color scheme, theme, and decorations. She has also changed her mind on multiple times and her requests are pricy (hence why my MIL is helping me pay for it).
So, I am not quite sure the proper way to go about this situation. Do I ask my MIL to uninvite her guests because my SIL wants to invite more of her guests? My SIL is the guest of honor but I don't feel it is fair that my MIL, who is paying the bulk of this shower, be forced to cut down on her guestlist. My MIL's guest list is mostly just family and two personal friends and she is paying for most of it, so doesn't she have a say? Or am I being too judgemental?
My SIL has asked me to throw her a baby shower. Apparently, she has no one else to throw her one, so I agreed.
She wants a big shower and originally told me she wanted to invite 30 people but was unsure of who to invite on her husband's side (which is my husband's brother). Since, my MIL is helping me throw this shower and has decided to help pay for most of it, I felt she should be able to invite whomever she wants from her side of the family, minus the original 30 my SIL provided me with.
We picked a venue that hosts 50 people (and already reserved the date and paid the deposit), as a result, my MIL filled in the remaining spots with my SIL's husband's family and my MIL's close friends.
We ordered the invitations and even addressed them and they are about to be shipped, until I got another email from my SIL. She has requested to invite another 15 people. Unfortunately, we are already at 49.
I have never thrown a baby shower before and am not sure exactly what is proper etiquette, but I think once the mother to be has provided her guest list, that is about the only input she really has. And to add on additional guests last minute, seems unfair to the hosts.
Also, she has dictated the food, color scheme, theme, and decorations. She has also changed her mind on multiple times and her requests are pricy (hence why my MIL is helping me pay for it).
So, I am not quite sure the proper way to go about this situation. Do I ask my MIL to uninvite her guests because my SIL wants to invite more of her guests? My SIL is the guest of honor but I don't feel it is fair that my MIL, who is paying the bulk of this shower, be forced to cut down on her guestlist. My MIL's guest list is mostly just family and two personal friends and she is paying for most of it, so doesn't she have a say? Or am I being too judgemental?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: NWR: Baby Shower Etiquette
I would tell her that I'm sorry your venue is unable to accommodate any further people than the original guest list.
If she knows you're following her wishes and going big, and I guess if she knew invitations hadn't yet went out, maybe she felt it was okay to add more guests? The guest list usually does come from the honoree. However, I do think you or your MIL is should tell her that you are unable to accommodate additional guests...especially considering the majority of your MIL's guests are family members of the father-to-be!
EFG (is that an acronym? Edited for grammar?)
She was rude to ask you to do this in the first place.
So let me get this straight...she has 45 people she apparently feels close enough to attend a party in her honor and buy her presents...but none of these 45 people would throw a shower for her such that she had to ask you to do it?
You are not being too judgmental on this one. People don't get to dictate how others give them the gift of a party in their honor (and technically they shouldn't be dictating that people give them the gift of a party in their honor in the first place). As host, you get to decide how many you can comfortably host and in what manner. She can provide a guest list within those parameters and that's pretty much it except for allergies and maybe a general idea (like if the smell of curry makes her too nauseated, then it's ok to politely request the shower not be at an Indian restaurant). But otherwise? Nope, nope nope.
The nice way to do this is as TrixieJess suggested - just simply tell her that you are only able to accommodate X number (I wouldn't even say because of the venue - because she could argue for a venue change when really your budget is also dictating how many you can accommodate). If she decides to hassle you about it, then I'd probably tell her she is free to host the event herself then and bow out. It's still rude AF for her to do that, but she's basically doing it already and you can save some money.
My only problem is that I want all the family to meet up for special occassions without it being uncomfortable. It was hard enough to make peace with her during her wedding to my husband's brother.
How do I politely tell her no more guests? I know my MIL will bend over backwards to make my SIL happy (since it's my MIL's second granddaughter). I just don't think it's fair since my MIL is paying a little over 1k (for a baby shower) to make this happen.
I'd repeat she already gave you a guest list and as the hosts you found a venue to accommodate that list, additional guests can not be added. But if MIL wants to bend over backwards, that's on her.
You are not being too judgemental. Your SIL has been quite rude and presumptive with you.
I emphasize "you" because she's being rude and ungrateful and I'm mad for you.
I agree with photokitty though. I thnk you should let your MIL decide what to do, since it's a) mostly her money and b) her family/friends who will be impacted. But I would also strongly state my opinion to MIL about what I think should be done (telling the SIL to go pound sand).
Remember, if someone is acting like a bitch and is spending YOUR money without your consent, do you really feel bad if they get upset??
I'm reaching the point that I am stopping the guilty feelings. She's bullying you. She doesn't get a free pass because she's pregnant.
I'm actually thinking of talking to my SIL about it.. not sure how well that will go.
Simply say, "I'm so sorry but the last minute additions won't work."
Don't entertain this as a conversation where she gets power.
And while I don't think that you should do things for others with the expectation in return, take a good hard look at what she's done and see if bending over backwards to please her offers you anything in return other than her smug acceptance. If the only thing that pleasing SIL gets you is a SIL who gets what she wants, stop making yourself crazy to do it.
I agree that there are times that it makes sense to just keep the peace. I've shut up and made my fair share of desserts, contributed to my MIL's meals and smiled when she'd refer to DH and I as two people with loads of excess income. But she never tried to get me to do this kind of crap. And if she did, I had no problems saying, "yeahhhhhhh - that's not going to work."
And there were times that I'd see MIL get stompy and pissy - but it's not worth my sanity to preserve hers.
Any way that your H can talk to his brother? Because if I found out my mom was already spending 1K on a shower only to be asked (well, demanded really) to add even more guests. There would be a Come to Jesus talk with brother, because also as the spouse, I'd be pissed my SO was trying to take advantage of my family monetarily.
Does SIL know MIL is helping pay? Would she go directly to MIL because you need to head that off quickly. If you know MIL would bend over backwards to give SIL what she wants, then you need to stop SIL NOW!
A "conversation" with her will not go well. "Sorry, no we can't, the venue is full." is all you should say.
"Making peace" is overrated and espoused primarily by ineffectual, conflict-averse people. There are tactful and non-tactful ways to set boundaries (i.e. you don't have to go out of your way to be a bitch), but they need to be set. Someone who's this inconsiderate isn't going to be pleased about it either way.
Your MIL absolutely should not have to cut her list to accommodate 15 (!!!!!!) extra guests. Don't put her in that position.
Now you know why no one else wanted to plan a shower for SIL.
As an aside, if she eventually does respond to accept your offer of throwing her a second shower with those 15 friends, please don't get bullied into spending a ridiculous amount of money and don't let your MIL drop a dime on a party you offered to throw.
This is something that is just simply out of your control; You can't control the atmosphere of family functions because you can't control the actions of your family.
You already politely told her that the venue is at capacity, so no more guests. If her mother wants to move Heaven and Earth and shell out more money to accommodate these additional people, that's on her.
Stay firm on your plans and your budget, and if MIL and SIL want to add more people, then it's on them to pay for additional people, find a new venue, etc. And you need to let that be on them. Don't offer any additional money or assistance.
ETA: If you're that worried about your SIL taking advantage of your MIL then put on your Big Girl Panties and tell her "No." And keep repeating it.
There's a big difference between keeping the peace and making peace; keeping the peace is a dysfunctional state to be in and only furthers the dysfunctional family dynamics around you. When you keep the peace, you end up bending over backwards to accommodate people who are behaving in the wrong, and you enable and reward their bad behavior, so that the cycle never changes.
When you make peace, you calmly and firmly enforce your own personal boundaries, and you don't engage the offender in their antics, which eventually leads them to stop pulling their shit with you since they aren't getting the desired effect from you any more.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
I'd take her new list, and add it to the old list, and pass it off to the MIL and let her handle it. It's not "uninviting" guests because no one has actually been invited yet. It just means less spots for the MIL to fill with guests the SIL didn't want there in the first place.
It seems odd to me that the MIL was inviting at least 15 people that the SIL didn't want to invite anyway, when it was her shower. I thought everyone here agreed that the honoree should provide the guest list?
And $1000 for a shower for 50 people doesn't sound expensive at all--that's only $20/person for food and drink, less if you include venue fees and decorations.
No one is behaving especially well in this situation. SIL should never have asked OP to host a shower for her and was inconsiderate to add more guests to her list this late in the game. MIL probably shouldn't be wanting to include so many guests that aren't even close to the guest of honor, and if she's footing the bill she needs to stop being such a pushover and indulging SIL's pricey demands. OP's role I don't even understand- she's the ostensible host but it doesn't appear she's paying (maybe she's paying some part?) and seems to be putting herself in the middle unnecessarily when this should mostly be between MIL and SIL.
Upon further reflection though, I am inclined to agree with you. Since invites haven't gone out yet I think it's fine for your SIL's guests to replace your MIL's guests, at least some of them. The person who pays does get a say in the guest list, but for something intimate like a baby shower I think the guest of honor's guest list does take precedence.
It's not like MIL filled in the guest list with random people, she filled it in with her own relatives (who are also now related to the SIL) minus 2 friends. MIL is paying and with money comes her strings, which was inviting more relatives. And the guest of honor doesn't set the guest list, they can provide a suggested list and the hosts decide who to invite.
And while invites haven't gone out yet, they have been addressed and are ready to go. SIL changing or adding guests now could potentially mean more costs due to added costs in more invitation. SIL is already being overly demanding by asking OP to host the shower in the first place.
The honoree already provided a list which we made invitations for, now she wants more.
I am going to meet with her for lunch to chat about it, but I am going to be firm on not allowing additional guests.
ETA: she also said she "lost track of who she invited."