NWR: Baby Shower Etiquette

MairePoppy · September 2016

mollybarker11 said:

TheMostHappy15 said:

Yeah I feel like you are making this more complicated than it needs to be. You've told SIL no and so I don't see what else there is to discuss. What kind of advice are you looking for exactly? There is no way to magically make your selfish and inconsiderate SIL suddenly become a person who is neither of those things so just keep repeating the phrase "sorry, can't do it" as needed.

Yeah you've already told her the additional guests can't be accommodated, right? And now she's giving you the cold shoulder because of it? I wouldn't waste any energy trying to talk it out with this brat.

As an aside, if she eventually does respond to accept your offer of throwing her a second shower with those 15 friends, please don't get bullied into spending a ridiculous amount of money and don't let your MIL drop a dime on a party you offered to throw.

Hold on a minute. You offered to throw a second shower for her add on guests? That's crazy. If she wants a second shower, someone from her side should host it. Tell her you've thought about it and are not able to throw two showers for her spoiled ass.

SP29 · September 2016

I had assumed invitations were already sent. That does provide some flexibility, however, it is still ultimately up to the host(s) on who to invite.

SIL gave an initial list. MIL is inviting family SIL didn't know to invite (whether or not they should have been invited in the first place is a bit of another discussion- not close enough to invite in the first place, but it's MIL's money).

I don't think it's outrageous for SIL to say, "Oh I forgot a few people, can we add them to the list?". I also don't think it's outrageous for OP to say, "Sorry, the venue has been booked and the guest list has been set, we cannot accommodate any more additions".

I would not advise over-inviting; same deal as a wedding. Budget, fire code, venue capacity, food. When SIL said, "we can just have it at my house!", I would say, "Sorry, a deposit has been placed on the venue, this is where we will be hosting it".

photokitty · September 2016

If my mother in law and the wife of my husband's brother were throwing me a shower for 50 people and spending $1,000 on it, I'd shut up and be happy. If she's close enough to these other 15 women, then one of then can offer to throw her a second shower. But it sounds like she is being greedy and just inviting anyone and everyone to shake them down for a gift, "since they won't come anyway."

If genuinely shocked that no one offered to throw this appreciative and polite woman a shower. SHOCKED, I tell you

mollybarker11 · September 2016

Wanting to invite people who "probably won't come" SMACKS of gift-grabbing. Gross.

I disagree with the notion that the guest of honour has up to the minute before the invites are dropped in the mail to spring more guests on the host. Shit's already been planned.

Heffalump · September 2016

mollybarker11 said:

Wanting to invite people who "probably won't come" SMACKS of gift-grabbing. Gross.

I disagree with the notion that the guest of honour has up to the minute before the invites are dropped in the mail to spring more guests on the host. Shit's already been planned.

It's gift grabby, and I also think it's distasteful when people imply that it's such an honor to invite you to their event. "Oh, I have to invite so-and-so or she'll be so disappointed!" Girl, you are not Kate Middleton, and this is not the royal wedding. If my own brother didn't invite me to his wedding (assuming he wasn't eloping or something, but was having some number of family and friends as guests), I would be hurt. Ditto for one of my kids (someday). But Work Friend Nancy is having a baby and I wasn't invited to her shower? BFD.

OliveOilsMom · September 2016

OP - Drop those invites in the mail and tell SIL there can be no more changes and you are sorry!

banana468 · September 2016

perdonami said:

I told my SIL no on the added guest list, she explained that she doesn't think most of them will show up so "go ahead and send out the invitations" which I think could be a disaster if everyone RSVP'd. SIL said worse case scenario we can have it at her house... Too bad we already made the invitations and paid the deposit for the venue.

I am going to meet with her for lunch to chat about it, but I am going to be firm on not allowing additional guests.

ETA: she also said she "lost track of who she invited."

Why are you doing that?

And if you're meeting her for lunch I hope you forget your wallet.

I'm starting to think that your SIL may have you as an easy mark. You seem really eager to please and she may think she has the upper hand.

PrettyGirlLost · September 2016

banana468 said:

perdonami said:

I told my SIL no on the added guest list, she explained that she doesn't think most of them will show up so "go ahead and send out the invitations" which I think could be a disaster if everyone RSVP'd. SIL said worse case scenario we can have it at her house... Too bad we already made the invitations and paid the deposit for the venue.

I am going to meet with her for lunch to chat about it, but I am going to be firm on not allowing additional guests.

ETA: she also said she "lost track of who she invited."

Why are you doing that?

And if you're meeting her for lunch I hope you forget your wallet.

I'm starting to think that your SIL may have you as an easy mark. You seem really eager to please and she may think she has the upper hand.

Yep. Stop trying to be a Peace Keeper ><

Unless you enjoy getting steamrolled, all you needed to do was email or text her back saying, "Sorry, guestlist is finalized, invites are out!" and then ignore all further texts/emails related to adding ppl.

InLoveInQueens · September 2016

banana468 said:

perdonami said:

I told my SIL no on the added guest list, she explained that she doesn't think most of them will show up so "go ahead and send out the invitations" which I think could be a disaster if everyone RSVP'd. SIL said worse case scenario we can have it at her house... Too bad we already made the invitations and paid the deposit for the venue.

I am going to meet with her for lunch to chat about it, but I am going to be firm on not allowing additional guests.

ETA: she also said she "lost track of who she invited."

Why are you doing that?

And if you're meeting her for lunch I hope you forget your wallet.

I'm starting to think that your SIL may have you as an easy mark. You seem really eager to please and she may think she has the upper hand.

I agree, I hate seeing people get taken advantage of, but there comes a point when you are doing it to yourself. You can say no, no is a full sentence, it doesn't mean you don't care about her. You are bending over backwards for a woman who just wants to use you as a step-stool.

Jen4948 · September 2016

It's time to say no.

"SIL, I am unable to invite any more guests or make any more changes to the plans. The plans as they stand are final."

perdonami · October 2016

So, I spoke with our MIL who is paying for the venue and food. By, MIL's request I over invited folks to come to the shower despite the venue's limitations. MIL claims she has said some of her folks won't come, and according to SIL, her guests may not show up either.

This pisses me off because my MIL and myself are paying a bit for a fun yet simple party. I just don't want a disaster of an overfilled room and folks ask to leave, or not have enough food, or cake. Or worse yet, random guests show up just to make a party.

I guess what I am most upset about is that she doesn't seem to have a guest list interested in attending her shower. And yet she continued to add guests and expects me to accommodate her requests when its not that simple once you have the guest list, invitations, food, dessert, favors, and a venue arranged prior to additional lists of guests. Especially, when the honoree cannot even remembered who she invited in the first place.

I may still be acting judgemental, but after our initial meeting (when she dictated her shower to be), and I explained my fears of an overbooked venue, she has ignored me since then.

We are suppose to meet up tomorrow to discuss plans but she has thus ignored me since my last comment about limiting the guest list to the venue size.

Not sure what to do here, just don't want family relationships to become strained. Not to mention, I am already pushing it with the guest list.

STARMOON44 · October 2016

Omg stop it. Get a grip. Invites are out. Literally no reason to discuss anything with her.

levioosa · October 2016

You cannot keep complaining if you refuse to set boundaries. "No" is not a bad word. There's no reason to meet to discuss plans with her. Invites are out. The party is planned. All she has to do is show up to the party she so greedily guilted you into.

flantastic · October 2016

perdonami said:

So, I spoke with our MIL who is paying for the venue and food. By, MIL's request I over invited folks to come to the shower despite the venue's limitations. MIL claims she has said some of her folks won't come, and according to SIL, her guests may not show up either.

This pisses me off because my MIL and myself are paying a bit for a fun yet simple party. I just don't want a disaster of an overfilled room and folks ask to leave, or not have enough food, or cake. Or worse yet, random guests show up just to make a party.

I guess what I am most upset about is that she doesn't seem to have a guest list interested in attending her shower. And yet she continued to add guests and expects me to accommodate her requests when its not that simple once you have the guest list, invitations, food, dessert, favors, and a venue arranged prior to additional lists of guests. Especially, when the honoree cannot even remembered who she invited in the first place.

I may still be acting judgemental, but after our initial meeting (when she dictated her shower to be), and I explained my fears of an overbooked venue, she has ignored me since then.

We are suppose to meet up tomorrow to discuss plans but she has thus ignored me since my last comment about limiting the guest list to the venue size.

Not sure what to do here, just don't want family relationships to become strained. Not to mention, I am already pushing it with the guest list.

Oh for fuck's sake. You lose your right to complain if you're just going to keep saying yes to these things.

"Strained" family relationships are not the worst thing in the world. I don't know if you've noticed, but your relationships with MIL and SIL are already strained, because they are walking all over you and and you are annoyed with them.

banana468 · October 2016

flantastic said:

perdonami said:

So, I spoke with our MIL who is paying for the venue and food. By, MIL's request I over invited folks to come to the shower despite the venue's limitations. MIL claims she has said some of her folks won't come, and according to SIL, her guests may not show up either.

This pisses me off because my MIL and myself are paying a bit for a fun yet simple party. I just don't want a disaster of an overfilled room and folks ask to leave, or not have enough food, or cake. Or worse yet, random guests show up just to make a party.

I guess what I am most upset about is that she doesn't seem to have a guest list interested in attending her shower. And yet she continued to add guests and expects me to accommodate her requests when its not that simple once you have the guest list, invitations, food, dessert, favors, and a venue arranged prior to additional lists of guests. Especially, when the honoree cannot even remembered who she invited in the first place.

I may still be acting judgemental, but after our initial meeting (when she dictated her shower to be), and I explained my fears of an overbooked venue, she has ignored me since then.

We are suppose to meet up tomorrow to discuss plans but she has thus ignored me since my last comment about limiting the guest list to the venue size.

Not sure what to do here, just don't want family relationships to become strained. Not to mention, I am already pushing it with the guest list.

Oh for fuck's sake. You lose your right to complain if you're just going to keep saying yes to these things.

"Strained" family relationships are not the worst thing in the world. I don't know if you've noticed, but your relationships with MIL and SIL are already strained, because they are walking all over you and and you are annoyed with them.

Yup.
Stop agreeing to do these things. Do you want to do the right thing or the pleasing thing?

OliveOilsMom · October 2016

The only way for you to get off this merry go round is to start setting boundaries and keeping them. Starting off with SIL, it would NOT have been out of line for you to say, "Sorry SIL, I'm unable to host a baby shower for you. Financially, I just cannot do it." But you didn't, you stayed on the merry go round. And then you just kept spinning more and more because you just can't say no.

Saying no will not create any strained relationships. Its SILs fault if she wants to have a pity party because you cannot invite any more people and she wants to give you the silent treatment. You just get to keep living your life and not worry about SIL.

You should have gone to bat for MIL and her budget with SIL. But again, you stayed on the merry go round. I will repeat it again, telling SIL no will not create strained relationships.

PrettyGirlLost · October 2016

perdonami said:

So, I spoke with our MIL who is paying for the venue and food. By, MIL's request I over invited folks to come to the shower despite the venue's limitations. MIL claims she has said some of her folks won't come, and according to SIL, her guests may not show up either.

This pisses me off because my MIL and myself are paying a bit for a fun yet simple party. I just don't want a disaster of an overfilled room and folks ask to leave, or not have enough food, or cake. Or worse yet, random guests show up just to make a party.

I guess what I am most upset about is that she doesn't seem to have a guest list interested in attending her shower. And yet she continued to add guests and expects me to accommodate her requests when its not that simple once you have the guest list, invitations, food, dessert, favors, and a venue arranged prior to additional lists of guests. Especially, when the honoree cannot even remembered who she invited in the first place.

I may still be acting judgemental, but after our initial meeting (when she dictated her shower to be), and I explained my fears of an overbooked venue, she has ignored me since then.

We are suppose to meet up tomorrow to discuss plans but she has thus ignored me since my last comment about limiting the guest list to the venue size.

Not sure what to do here, just don't want family relationships to become strained. Not to mention, I am already pushing it with the guest list.

To be perfectly direct OP, you're a pushover and your SIL is taking advantage of you, plain and simple.

Of course she's ignoring you- you're playing right into her manipulations, and therefore she has no need of you, so she doesn't need to contact you.

She's not interested in hanging out with you and having an actual relationship, she's just interested in what you can do for her.

This entire thread is the perfect illustration of why Keeping the Peace is a totally dysfunctional mindset and how it just doesn't work.

Why are you so hung up on the family relationships? Your SIL doesn't give a fuck if your relationship with her is strained or not, or is anything more meaningful then you doing shit for her. Time to realize you are trying to force a relationship where there doesn't seem to be one, accept it for what it is, and move on.

STARMOON44 said:

Omg stop it. Get a grip. Invites are out. Literally no reason to discuss anything with her.

And for God's sake, this ^

MesmrEwe · October 2016

OP - to borrow a page from my studies "It's often difficult for people to realize what is is" and "people don't know what they don't know until they're made aware of it"... The PP are absolutely correct in that you need to start TODAY setting healthy boundaries for yourself. YOU don't want an overcrowded room of a shower - it's your excuse to volunteer to be the first to leave/not attend if that becomes the case! Throwing a shower for someone else is a balance between your wants and the wants of the person you're hosting for, within reason, this has passed the line for "what's reasonable" a long time ago, but that horse has left the barn. Ultimately ye who pays gets a say, your MIL is paying, she gets the say. If she wants to turn it into a s-show, go ahead and give credit where it's due! Your relationship is already strained TBH, the reality is ultimately it's going to turn to primal instincts of "Fight, Flight, or Freeze" - right now you're freezing and it's clearly not working. Confront the elephant in the room and set some healthy boundaries for yourself! Simply being honest and consistent often makes these issues go away on their own because you are no longer "owned" by them. Tough love by everyone - maybe - but you've got to decide what you ultimately want!

perdonami · October 2016

I am not upset with my MIL, just SIL due to her selfish behaviors. Invitations were mailed this last Monday. I was suppose to have lunch with SIL yesterday but she ignored me up to a few hours before we were suppose to go out so I told her we need to reschedule.

At this point what's done is done. If the venue is over capacity due to my MIL's need to include the other lists, than that's on her as I did give her fair warning.

banana468 · October 2016

perdonami said:

I am not upset with my MIL, just SIL due to her selfish behaviors. Invitations were mailed this last Monday. I was suppose to have lunch with SIL yesterday but she ignored me up to a few hours before we were suppose to go out so I told her we need to reschedule.

At this point what's done is done. If the venue is over capacity due to my MIL's need to include the other lists, than that's on her as I did give her fair warning.

NO. It's on you. You sent invitations that went over capacity.

PrettyGirlLost · October 2016

perdonami said:

I am not upset with my MIL, just SIL due to her selfish behaviors. Invitations were mailed this last Monday. I was suppose to have lunch with SIL yesterday but she ignored me up to a few hours before we were suppose to go out so I told her we need to reschedule.

At this point what's done is done. If the venue is over capacity due to my MIL's need to include the other lists, than that's on her as I did give her fair warning.

Why?

Why do you need to have lunch with your SIL? She's just not that into you.

If the shower is over capacity that's on you, since you sent out the invitations.

Heffalump · October 2016

Well, this is some real fuckery.

That's literally all I have to say, everyone else has covered it.

mollybarker11 · October 2016

Also wondering why you "need" to reschedule a lunch date with a woman you don't like who doesn't seem to like you. There is no way for you to avoid tension in this relationship, the only thing you can do is limit the amount of energy you spend on it.

Think about it this way:
- If you were firm on the venue capacity, she probably would have been sour at you (tension). Since you gave in to her, you are now sour at her and worrying about your overbooked event (more tension).
- If you had accepted the fact that she blew off your lunch date, you probably would have been sour at her for being a flake (tension). Since you're trying to reschedule it, you're now sour at her and setting yourself up for annoyance when she inevitably flakes again or irritates you in some way if you ever do meet up (more tension).

By all means feel free to vent here if that's all you wanna do, but I think this is a good opportunity to realize how you let others treat you.

perdonami · October 2016

mollybarker11 said:

Also wondering why you "need" to reschedule a lunch date with a woman you don't like who doesn't seem to like you. There is no way for you to avoid tension in this relationship, the only thing you can do is limit the amount of energy you spend on it.

Think about it this way:
- If you were firm on the venue capacity, she probably would have been sour at you (tension). Since you gave in to her, you are now sour at her and worrying about your overbooked event (more tension).
- If you had accepted the fact that she blew off your lunch date, you probably would have been sour at her for being a flake (tension). Since you're trying to reschedule it, you're now sour at her and setting yourself up for annoyance when she inevitably flakes again or irritates you in some way if you ever do meet up (more tension).

By all means feel free to vent here if that's all you wanna do, but I think this is a good opportunity to realize how you let others treat you.

I appreciate your advice and you are right, this is a good opportunity for me to realize how I let people treat me. I am not going to bother rescheduling lunch with SIL. However, I am still going to help my MIL plan the party.

LondonLisa · October 2016

"Every time my SIL pokes me with a stick, it hurts me. I don't want to be rude so I let her do it to keep the peace. I've asked her to stop and she won't. How do I to learn to live with being continuously poked with a stick".

Seriously, you are being unbelievably ineffectual. Just say No and leave it! Yes, first your SIL was being out of order, but you are actively enabling and encouraging it.

Either put up (by saying no and sticking by it) or shut up ( because you are actively allowing this).

perdonami · October 2016

@LondonLisa

Um, thanks for the advice? But, no not really. If you paid any attention without jumping to be snarky, I already stopped caring about SIL. It's over. I am done.

Oh, and "seriously", you're advice was ineffectual. Perhaps you should shut up as I believe that would make the internet world a lot happier.

crowsgirl15 · October 2016

perdonami said:

@LondonLisa

Um, thanks for the advice? But, no not really. If you paid any attention without jumping to be snarky, I already stopped caring about SIL. It's over. I am done.

Oh, and "seriously", you're advice was ineffectual. Perhaps you should shut up as I believe the would make the internet world a lot happier.

If her advice was ineffectual, it's because you're refusing to take it. What she's saying is quite wise. Not rescheduling one lunch does not mean the case is closed. She's telling you to stand up for yourself. To SAY something when people mistreat you. You would be wise to listen.

And I don't know @LondonLisa from anything but a few comments on this board...and this little piece of the internet world sure as hell wouldn't be happy if she stopped dispensing advice.

TrixieJess · October 2016

LondonLisa said:

"Every time my SIL pokes me with a stick, it hurts me. I don't want to be rude so I let her do it to keep the peace. I've asked her to stop and she won't. How do I to learn to live with being continuously poked with a stick".

Seriously, you are being unbelievably ineffectual. Just say No and leave it! Yes, first your SIL was being out of order, but you are actively enabling and encouraging it.

Either put up (by saying no and sticking by it) or shut up ( because you are actively allowing this).

^^This is solid advice. You are now digging your heels in the sand because someone is calling you out.

My first comment to you was to tell your SIL no. You chose this convoluted plan and you are reaping what you have sown and no one is sympathetic. Get a backbone. If you allow people to walk all over you, don't be surprised when they wipe their feet on your face.

charlotte989875 · October 2016

perdonami said:

@LondonLisa

Um, thanks for the advice? But, no not really. If you paid any attention without jumping to be snarky, I already stopped caring about SIL. It's over. I am done.

Oh, and "seriously", you're advice was ineffectual. Perhaps you should shut up as I believe that would make the internet world a lot happier.

This is how you should be responding to your SIL, not the people that actually tried to help you.

levioosa · October 2016

perdonami said:

@LondonLisa

Um, thanks for the advice? But, no not really. If you paid any attention without jumping to be snarky, I already stopped caring about SIL. It's over. I am done.

Oh, and "seriously", you're advice was ineffectual. Perhaps you should shut up as I believe that would make the internet world a lot happier.

Really? You're going to tell a poster with consistently good advice to shut up, but you won't stand up for yourself to your sister in law? Yeah. You've pretty much lost the right to complain about your situation. Londonlisa was spot on.

NWR: Baby Shower Etiquette

Re: NWR: Baby Shower Etiquette

Choose Another Board

Search Boards