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ginnybinny17
member
FMIL just sent us a list of "must-invites"
My fiance and I just booked our wedding venue. We've sat down and really hashed out our budget and arrived at a number we're comfortable with. I'm actually paying for everything -- my fiance is in school right now, and I have a pretty well-paying job. But I do have student loans, and I have absolutely 100% sworn to myself that I refuse to put my monthly student loan payments behind the wedding in importance. I have a dollar amount per month I'm saving for the wedding, and a dollar amount per month I'm putting to my student loans, and that's that, and that's all I can afford, sorry 'bout it. Because of our budget, we can invite about 130 people to the wedding.
Last weekend, we visited SO's family. He and his mom got into a little kerfluffle because he's not planning on inviting more (emotionally) distant members of his family. He has a big family (VERY big), and certain of his cousins he isn't planning to invite because if he did, he'd have to cut out some of his closest friends. He also has beef with one of his aunts/uncles, and so they aren't being invited.
SO stood firm, and I thought the conversation ended well. Guess not. Today, FMIL (who I really do adore!!!!) sent him an email saying,
Here is the list of who in the family should be invited, and they should be invited since they're family and we were invited to all of their past weddings. If you don't invite them it'll cause hard/hurt feelings, so count them in.
I don't know if she realizes I'm paying for the entire wedding, but regardless, she knows that we aren't planning on inviting some folks because simply can't afford it. I won't put my student loans on forbearance to invite these guests, and we've already planned on not having flowers, centerpieces, etc. so that we can invite the folks we've already planned to.
At the same time, I feel kind of horrible. Since I'm paying for the whole shebang, it's kind of indirectly my fault that these family members aren't being invited. We booked a venue we love but could afford (and got discounts for being off season and because my SO's friend works at the venue), but at the same time, I'm sure if we'd booked a cheaper venue, we could have invited more people. I feel weirdly selfish.
I don't even know what kind of advice I can ask for on this. My SO agrees and is gonna talk to his mom, which I guess is all we CAN do. If anyone's been in a similar situation (a FMIL insisting on more guests than you can afford), I'd appreciate hearing how you dealt with it. Mostly, I think I needed to vent.
(Hope everyone's Wednesdays are lovely so far.)
Last weekend, we visited SO's family. He and his mom got into a little kerfluffle because he's not planning on inviting more (emotionally) distant members of his family. He has a big family (VERY big), and certain of his cousins he isn't planning to invite because if he did, he'd have to cut out some of his closest friends. He also has beef with one of his aunts/uncles, and so they aren't being invited.
SO stood firm, and I thought the conversation ended well. Guess not. Today, FMIL (who I really do adore!!!!) sent him an email saying,
Here is the list of who in the family should be invited, and they should be invited since they're family and we were invited to all of their past weddings. If you don't invite them it'll cause hard/hurt feelings, so count them in.
I don't know if she realizes I'm paying for the entire wedding, but regardless, she knows that we aren't planning on inviting some folks because simply can't afford it. I won't put my student loans on forbearance to invite these guests, and we've already planned on not having flowers, centerpieces, etc. so that we can invite the folks we've already planned to.
At the same time, I feel kind of horrible. Since I'm paying for the whole shebang, it's kind of indirectly my fault that these family members aren't being invited. We booked a venue we love but could afford (and got discounts for being off season and because my SO's friend works at the venue), but at the same time, I'm sure if we'd booked a cheaper venue, we could have invited more people. I feel weirdly selfish.
I don't even know what kind of advice I can ask for on this. My SO agrees and is gonna talk to his mom, which I guess is all we CAN do. If anyone's been in a similar situation (a FMIL insisting on more guests than you can afford), I'd appreciate hearing how you dealt with it. Mostly, I think I needed to vent.
(Hope everyone's Wednesdays are lovely so far.)
This discussion has been closed.
Re: FMIL just sent us a list of "must-invites"
Can the venue not fit the additional people or is it that you can't afford them? not being able to afford them is reasonable and a decision you and your FI have made together understanding the consequences. FI could also say to his mom "Mom these are our reasons, but just so you know the cost per head is $100 so if it is is THAT important to you for us to invite these extra 20 people, we will need $2,000".
Is that a possibility? If not, stick to your guns.
But if they were, would he want them? If not, then his answer needs to be, "Mom, we already discussed this and they are not on the guest list."
Being a united front and having your fiancé communicate with his mom is the right thing to do. Otherwise MILs like to assume that fiancées are bridezillas who walk all over their poor dear sons.
I wouldn't give excuses like you did here. No one needs to know your budget, your debt load, your employment, etc. "The guest list is decided." Boom. Done. End of story.
I cannot possible agree with this more. What kind of people say, " I LOVE confrontation! I can't wait to argue with and piss off people I love!". Also a disagreement =/= confrontation. Adults generally should know how to deal with conflict.
I have an aunt who "hates funerals". Well no shit. But if you want to be a respectful non-douche, suck it up like the rest of us and pay your god damn respects.
I do think he should be the one to discuss this as it is his mother, but not because he's "better at confrontation", but because it is his family. If this was your mother would you expect him to deal with the uncomfortable conversation because you don't want to do it?
I did not say or imply any of those things. I think you're overreacting.
OP, I wanted to say that you have every right to not invite those people. And since you've been around here a little while I assume you understand the whole inviting in circles thing yes? I would just make sure your circles are good and reasonable, if they are have your FI say no...you don't have to include someone you don't want to and a clearly defined circle really helps with this. Besides opening up the IL's side may also lead to your family wanting to add people too since "how come Grooms side has second cousins on the list but ours only has firsts?"
Also, even if you do say that adding "x" people will cost you "y" dollars, I would be a little leery that the money may have some strings attached to it. While I would hope your ILs are reasonable and loveable people sometimes weddings bring out all the crazy!
I'm cracking up at this phrase. I'm going to steal it.
However, there is NOTHING for you to feel ashamed/guilt about. Nothing. You and your FI set a budget that you all are comfortable with. I'm guessing there are fair amounts of friends/family from both sides coming.
Demanding isn't getting. Especially when it is your pocketbook involved, not hers. Weddings are also not "tit for tat". Just because Second Cousin A invited your FI to his/her wedding, doesn't mean they needed to be invited to yours.
With the exception of the two people your FI doesn't want either way, like other PPs have mentioned, you can always offer to invite them when she gives you all $X to cover ALL their costs (not just food). Since she hasn't already offered, knowing that budget is the factor, I suspect she'll quickly change her tune on how much these people "must" be there.
AND...this is VERY important...there are to be no STDs or invites sent to them until her money for them is literally in your hands. You can't pay the caterer with her "promises to pay".
I forget which board it is on, but there is a very recent post that was exactly this scenario. Couple on a tight budget and said "no" about extra people-->FILs promised they'd pay for extra people-->Extra people got invited, but no cash upfront-->wedding is now very soon-->FILs can't/won't pay now because they just bought ATVs-->Couple up s**t creek without a paddle because they are stuck with a wedding they now can't afford. If I'm remembering correctly, I think they are worried they'll have to raid their honeymoon savings.
This assumes that you really don't mind having these additional people there. If you prefer a smaller wedding regardless of costs, then you are well within your rights to just inform her that the guest list has been decided and is not subject to change.
I assume that while you don't dislike these family members, you weren't close enough to include them on the list in the first place, and had you been close and WANTED to invite them, you would've chosen a different venue to begin with.
Taking the IL's requests into consideration is nice, but you should definitely not go over budget to do so, or think you have to re-vamp your wedding plans to accommodate them. If you are OK with them coming if MIL pays, then go ahead and offer that as an option, but DO NOT invite them (either informally or formally) until you have the money in hand for these guests. Remember, it's not just the cost of the meal, it's additional invitations, postage, tables, chairs (ceremony and reception), linens, centerpieces, cake, favours and programs.
As PPs have mentioned, on top of the budget piece, do you truly want MIL's friends at your wedding?
My advice is to be polite and stand firm. If MIL is supersocial and wants her friends to be a part of the celebration, she could host an engagement party or something like that.
Sorry for the warped image --- I think it's out of my signature now for future posts.
Anyone invited to any pre-wedding party (Engagement, Shower, Bach) MUST be invited to the wedding!!!!!
I still stand by my original advice, if you don't mind them there and don't mind dealing with the strings money comes with, tell them each guest is $X...I personally would just say the guest list is closed and stand firm on not allowing these extra people. (Assuming you are using circles)