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Etiquette

Should we invite all the same people?

OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom in the 216 member
2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
FW and I decided to get married next fall, and I'm wondering if we can get away with a smaller wedding or if we need to invite all the same guests. I don't mind either way, but I want to follow the correct etiquette.
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Re: Should we invite all the same people?

  • I agree with @SP29. If your cancelling and replanting for a later date; and changing the venue/location/size/time I think it's fine to have a smaller guest list, if you're thinking of having a significantly smaller event. I do think it would be a little odd if you didn't invite just a few people, but I think it's fine if you want to change the guest list. 
  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom in the 216 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    We want to use the same location, and we do want to include a lot of the same people, just not all of them (e.g., 75-80 versus our original guest list of 150). The rest of the details are still up in the air.
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Had invitations to the original date been sent?  Did your notification say you were cancelling or postponing the wedding?
    PrettyGirlLost
  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom in the 216 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    edited October 2016
    MobKaz said:
    Had invitations to the original date been sent?  Did your notification say you were cancelling or postponing the wedding?
    We had sent invitations, and the notification we sent just said that the wedding would not be taking place as originally scheduled. Mostly we did phone calls, texts, and Facebook messages to let people know it was being postponed (no date, though).
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    If I'm honest, I think this is a recipe for hurt feelings and upsetting people. This is essentially a postponement rather than a cancellation as you are using the same venue. I think altering the guest list only really works if you go from around 150 to 25. But you are inviting more than half of your original guests. Technically you might be ok cancelling and sending out new invites, but I still think people will feel 'disinvited' as all you are really changing is the date. 
    This is my thought as well, which is why I asked the questions I did for clarification.  It sounds as if you went out of your way to extend a personal connection regarding the postponement, @OurWildKingdom, ("Mostly we did phone calls, texts, and Facebook messages to let people know it was being postponed (no date, though".)

     I think I would be confused and hurt if I were now not included.
    ShesSoColdsparklepants41SP29PrettyGirlLost
  • I think you're jumping the gun a little on the planning? Next fall is a long time away. 
  • MobKaz said:
    If I'm honest, I think this is a recipe for hurt feelings and upsetting people. This is essentially a postponement rather than a cancellation as you are using the same venue. I think altering the guest list only really works if you go from around 150 to 25. But you are inviting more than half of your original guests. Technically you might be ok cancelling and sending out new invites, but I still think people will feel 'disinvited' as all you are really changing is the date. 
    This is my thought as well, which is why I asked the questions I did for clarification.  It sounds as if you went out of your way to extend a personal connection regarding the postponement, @OurWildKingdom, ("Mostly we did phone calls, texts, and Facebook messages to let people know it was being postponed (no date, though".)

     I think I would be confused and hurt if I were now not included.
    This is where I am. If you told your guests it had been postponed, they are going to -- rightfully -- assume they will still be invited. They might be more understanding if you were going from 150 to 15 but in this case, you're still going to be having a pretty large wedding and I can see this causing a lot of hurt feelings.
    image
    SP29PrettyGirlLost
  • If you used the term postponed at all, I would say your best sticking to your original guest list.  As PPs have covered, a significant cut in guest list (like 25 or less) would be fine, but by using "postponed", using the same venue, etc it sounds like you aren't really changing much and therefore would be un-inviting those people...

  • LtPowersLtPowers Upstate New York member
    Knottie Warrior 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    edited October 2016
    I agree that changing the date of the wedding is not sufficient cause to justify disinvitations.
  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom in the 216 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    I think you're jumping the gun a little on the planning? Next fall is a long time away. 
    True, but the question has been bugging me.

    Thanks everyone. I guess I should have used "cancelled" or sent cards to everyone instead of making phone calls and sending Facebook messages. I was more concerned about people getting notified in a timely way. Lesson learned.  :|
    MobKaz
  • You could still elope or have a private ceremony, and then send announcement cards to everybody.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • I know I would feel hurt if I was not included in the new event (assuming our friendship hadn't changed over the time for some reason) if i found out that 75 people were still invited. If the new event was like 20 people vs the original 150 I'd understand, but something larger I'd feel hurt.
    PrettyGirlLostInLoveInQueens
  • I think you're jumping the gun a little on the planning? Next fall is a long time away. 
    True, but the question has been bugging me.

    Thanks everyone. I guess I should have used "cancelled" or sent cards to everyone instead of making phone calls and sending Facebook messages. I was more concerned about people getting notified in a timely way. Lesson learned.  :|
    I really don't think there is anything at all you could have done that would have made a real difference here.  Whether you used the word "cancelled" on a card to inform people or called/facebooked them isn't actually going to change how they feel if they find out later that most people are still invited to the wedding and they are not.  There is no magic word or phrase that would keep that from being hurtful.  

    If the wedding goes from lots of friends and family to just a teeny-tiny group of your absolute nearest and dearest, then I think the dis-invited would understand that you had made a huge change to the sort of event you are hosting.  But if you are just cutting out a chunk of the people you had originally invited and still having a substantial wedding, it is bound to feel like a personal slight to people who qualified for the first round of invites but didn't merit a second one.
  • I think you're jumping the gun a little on the planning? Next fall is a long time away. 
    True, but the question has been bugging me.

    Thanks everyone. I guess I should have used "cancelled" or sent cards to everyone instead of making phone calls and sending Facebook messages. I was more concerned about people getting notified in a timely way. Lesson learned.  :|
    I really don't think there is anything at all you could have done that would have made a real difference here.  Whether you used the word "cancelled" on a card to inform people or called/facebooked them isn't actually going to change how they feel if they find out later that most people are still invited to the wedding and they are not.  There is no magic word or phrase that would keep that from being hurtful.  

    If the wedding goes from lots of friends and family to just a teeny-tiny group of your absolute nearest and dearest, then I think the dis-invited would understand that you had made a huge change to the sort of event you are hosting.  But if you are just cutting out a chunk of the people you had originally invited and still having a substantial wedding, it is bound to feel like a personal slight to people who qualified for the first round of invites but didn't merit a second one.

    I think the wording differences were pointed out by myself and few other posters as part of the reasoning why this would come across the wrong way.  I know I had said that saying postponed would make it even more difficult to later dis-invite guests because it was a way of saying you are invited to the wedding, just not at the date previously stated.  Whereas cancelled gives more wiggle room to start over and plan an entirely new event.

    Regardless of "postponed" versus "Cancelled" I still feel like some people will feel slighted if they "don't make the cut" to a still sizable wedding.  So while technically ok for the OP to do whatever they want, I can see how this is a sticky situation :)

  • This happened to my parents! They were invited to a family friends daughters wedding and received a save the date for an out of town wedding (it was where the couple lived, but a 3 hour flight from where my parents live). Since they had a save the date and got a good deal on airfare, they purchased their flights and reserved a room in their hotel block (this all was maybe 3 months before the planned wedding, it was not CRAZY early but I don't think they had gotten invitations yet). The wedding then got cancelled / postponed. The couple wasn't breaking up but they were just taking time to figure it out. My parents were bummed but ate the cost of booking the flight early and the hotel was accommodating. They were definitely annoyed at the lost money but understood and mostly just wished the best for the couple / hoped they worked it out.

    Then the wedding got replanned. And they basically just cut about 40 people, mostly friends of parents, which included my parents. My parents were not happy. They weren't as much hurt as they felt slighted. Their friends felt very badly and took my parents out for a nice dinner the next time they were in town, which was helpful, but it still caused a rift and some hurt feelings.

    short+sassy
  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom in the 216 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    It is a long time away, and we have time to save money for the big wedding we originally planned or make plans for a private ceremony. The absolute smallest we could go would be 30-35 people and even that might ruffle some feathers.
  • simplylaurelsimplylaurel member
    Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its 10 Comments
    edited October 2016
    Maybe it's just me, but if the wedding is being called off and replanned, I don't really see the distinction between calling it a cancellation or postponement. Either way, X number of guests who were invited to the original aren't being invited to the later wedding, and they're all going to find out about it one way or another. To me, the only difference is how honest you're being about the change of plans.

    If I were told that a wedding I was invited to was being cancelled, I would assume that the wedding was not going to happen, period. If I were told that  wedding I was invited to was being postponed, I would assume that it was still going to happen, just not on the original date or under the original plans. If I found out a "cancelled" wedding was still happening, just without me there, that would read "we got carried away and wanted to re-plan the event with only the people they really cared about, but we don't want you to know that that's what happened." If I found out that a postponed wedding happened without me, my feelings might be a little bruised, but I would realize that a "postponement" came with a change in plans, and therefore change in guest list.

    I don't know, to me it just seems like pretending to call off the wedding so you can have a do-over on the guestlist is more dishonest that having an actual re-evaluation of your wedding plan and planning a new event.

    Edited because words.
    short+sassyPrettyGirlLostInLoveInQueens
  • Agreeing with most PPs here...I would feel a little burned if I was originally invited and then not invited to the rescheduled wedding. I would understand, of course.

    Is there a way you could still celebrate with this group of people? We had friends in kind of a similar situation and they just arranged a cookout/casual get together for those of us that weren't invited to the wedding. It was still fun, and a way for us to celebrate their marriage with them. I think we even all offered to bring stuff (they didn't ask), so it wasn't a ton of effort on their part.
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Cancelled to me means, cancelled, engagement is off, no wedding at this point with that specific person, period, full stop.

    Postponed means put off until further notice.

    If you told me you cancelled the wedding, and then I found out later that you actually did marry the original person you were supposed to marry, and that I was not invited to the rescheduled wedding, I'd think "WTF?!"  "I guess they couldn't afford the original wedding and this is how they went about making cuts."

    If you told me you postponed your wedding, and then you got married in front of 20%-25% of your original guest list and I did not make the cut, I'd still think "WTF?!  Guess they couldn't really afford the original wedding and this is how they went about making cuts."

    In both cases, if I was close enough to be invited to your wedding to begin with, and then all of a sudden I didn't make whatever arbitrary cut to attend the rescheduled wedding, I'd be hurt.

    If you can't afford to invite your original guest list, then I think you should either continue to postpone your wedding and save money until you can afford it, or you should have a private ceremony with immediate family and grandparents only- no WP, friends, etc, or elope.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    madamerwin
  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom in the 216 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    edited October 2016
    Ok, I got it. I legitimately didn't know and wanted to avoid being rude. But apparently I should have known immediately and not asked a stupid question. Silly me.

    We've established that I'm an asshole for even thinking about it. Can we drop it now?
  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom in the 216 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    Ok, I got it. I legitimately didn't know and wanted to avoid being rude. But apparently I should have known immediately and not asked a stupid question. Silly me.

    We've established that I'm an asshole for even thinking about it. Can we drop it now?
    Girl please. You know better than posting this. Zero people think you are an asshole for even thinking about it, no one said it was a stupid question. You legitimately wanted to know, and people told you. Politely. 
    No one had to say it was a stupid question. I know it myself and shouldn't have bothered posting.
  • Ok, I got it. I legitimately didn't know and wanted to avoid being rude. But apparently I should have known immediately and not asked a stupid question. Silly me.

    We've established that I'm an asshole for even thinking about it. Can we drop it now?
    Girl please. You know better than posting this. Zero people think you are an asshole for even thinking about it, no one said it was a stupid question. You legitimately wanted to know, and people told you. Politely. 
    No one had to say it was a stupid question. I know it myself and shouldn't have bothered posting.
    Eyeroll. Major eyeroll. 
  • SaintPaulGalSaintPaulGal member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    edited October 2016
    Ditto what @STARMOON44 said.  Nobody thinks you are an asshole.  It's a perfectly legitimate question to ask.  Nobody attacked you.  We all totally get that this is an emotional time for you.  Don't read bad intentions into perfectly neutral comments.
    SP29
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