Future Cousin In Law "Job" Question

Re: Future Cousin In Law "Job" Question

• NowIAmSyp member

  

  November 2016

  "Thank you so much for thinking to include me, but honestly, I'd prefer to just be a guest.   I can't wait to see you and celebrate with  you- it's going to be such an exciting day!"
  
  
  The end

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• MesmrEwe member

  

  November 2016

  "Hey cousin 2B - maybe "stress" wasn't the right word, I'd really like to just attend your wedding as a guest and celebrate the day with you instead of having any "title" or job per sae.  I'm so excited to get to celebrate with you - can you believe it's already X months away!" Then BEAN DIP the he** out of it!!!
  
  And uninviting you to the bach - WTF that's rude!!  I'm a teetotaler, but how I typically handle it is to shrug it off, but to point out to my friends who do partake when it comes to the question of whether or not I'd like to join them "I have just as great of a time as everyone else without the hangover and make sure someone is there sober to watch your back and make sure you get home safely!..."  If she can't figure out having someone they know will be sober there is a GOOD thing - the heck with her!  One less trip for you to have to finance!!!

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• PrettyGirlLost member

  

  November 2016

  First, I'd tell you to have a glass of wine to take the edge off, but. . . :-P
  
  You can take 2 approaches; You could text the bride back and thank her for thinking of you, but you're just looking forward to participating in her wedding as a guest.  Period. Full stop.  Don't add anything to that statement- thanks, but I look forward to attending as a guest.  Don't JADE after that (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain).  Then don't engage in any further texts on the topic.
  
  
  Or, you could initially just ignore the last suggestion of you helping to host the RD and not engage on the subject from now until the wedding unless she brings it up, in which case see the above.
  

  
  "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
  
  

  
  

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• Heffalump member

  

  November 2016 edited November 2016

  If she's looking for a job for you to do, ask how much she's paying, and what kind of benefits she offers.

  Honestly, you've been nicer than I would be in your shoes, because "I didn't realize passing out fans would be stressful for you" sounds awfully passive-aggressive.  A lesser, equally passive-aggressive person might send her a cheap basket with a note that says "Fan problem solved! XOXO." 

  But you are probably not looking for a snarky reply, so I would just say "No need to invent a special job for me, I'm just really looking forward to attending your wedding!"  And then if she persists, gently ask "Why is it important to you that I have something extra to do when I've already said it's not necessary?"  Either she will realize that it's dumb and let it be, or whatever weirdness is driving this (guilt, I'm guessing) will come to light.  And then y'all can address that, instead of how her fans will possibly find their way into her guests' hands without your intervention.   

  �

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• MyNameIsNot member

  

  November 2016

  She sounds like kind of an asshole. 
  
  Other than that, I agree with PPs. "I'm really happy to attend as a guest and celebrate with you. No need for a special job." 

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• SP29 member

  

  November 2016

  So cousin sounds like a bit of a jerk. Why can't you attend a bachelorette just because you don't drink? And besides, that should be your decision about whether you'd like to go or not.
  
   You are very right OP- a job is not an honour at all, and you don't need someone to do the job a basket could do. I would not be honoured by passing out fans.
  
  Agree with the statement, "I would prefer to celebrate your wedding as a guest- thanks for wanting to include me".
  

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• AnnieTheNanny member

  

  November 2016

  Thanks for all the suggestions! I really wish it would be easy to tell her again that I would really just like to be a guest. SP29-- it's not my cousin who I have the problem with but my future cousin in law to be. I'll try again to tell her I REALLY just want to be a guest and am excited about the wedding.
  
  I'm guessing she is really trying to push me on this because of guilt but she doesn't know when to stop. I thought for sure that telling her I just want to be a guest would end it but it didn't.
  
  I just texted her a simple: "Honestly, I'd prefer to be a guest. I can't believe it's 6 months away."
  

  Annie
  

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• AnnieTheNanny member

  

  November 2016

  She responded a few minutes later after I sent it and said "no problem," I asked her why it was so important for me to have a job at the wedding and she said she wanted me to a a part of the wedding.. so I thanked her and left it at that.
  

  Annie
  

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• climbingsingle member

  

  November 2016

  Yeah, she sounds like a jerk. You don't need to have a job at the wedding. I don't get why so many people are under this assumption. And passing out programs/fans is not an honor. No one wants that shitty job. 

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• OliveOilsMom member

  

  November 2016

  AnnieTheNanny said:

  So my cousin and his fiancee got engaged in January. I talked to her a couple of times in the past couple of years that I've known her. In early February she told me that she wanted me to be at her bachelorette party in AC.
  
  In April I went to go visit them in Philly, I live in CA. She said I could help them plan the wedding since I'm really organized and detail-oriented. I was so excited! Then on the 3rd day I was there, we were getting ready to go out to lunch with her future in laws in their room and I told her how excited I was about her bachelorette party. She told me that she was concerned about having me there because I don't drink. I tried explaining to her that in the past, then it was almost 4 years, that I've been to bars and concerts where alcohol is everywhere and that I would be okay. Then she uninvited me because I don't drink.
  
  I was really upset and the rest of the time there was really awkward. Flash forward to last week. We have been in contact via texting and since I visited in April, she wants me to be a part of the wedding. I was not asked to be a bridesmaid but she wants me to have a "special job."
  
  Last week, she called and asked if I wanted to pass out programs/fans. I got insulted because as being a part of my cousin's family, I thought that job is meant for people working the wedding who are getting paid. After talking about it with my therapist, she agreed. I texted Ashley* saying that I just want to be a guest and not have any stress. She came back with an "Oh I didn't realize passing out fans would be stressful for you. Is there anything else you would like to be a part of?"
  
  I honestly thought that by saying that I just want to be a guest with no stress would end it. Then she suggests helping with the rehearsal dinner that my aunt and uncle are hosting. I looked up "jobs" at wedding and suggested to her of being a witness to the signing of the marriage certificate but she already has someone doing that.
  
  I'm at a loss of words and sanity of what to do. Just thinking of "needing" to have a "job" at their wedding is stressing me out and I'm across the country. I'm practicing restraint of fingers and tongue as best I can but I could really use some advice.
  
  Sorry it's so long!
  

  AnnieTheNanny said:

  Thanks for all the suggestions! I really wish it would be easy to tell her again that I would really just like to be a guest. SP29-- it's not my cousin who I have the problem with but my future cousin in law to be. I'll try again to tell her I REALLY just want to be a guest and am excited about the wedding.
  
  I'm guessing she is really trying to push me on this because of guilt but she doesn't know when to stop. I thought for sure that telling her I just want to be a guest would end it but it didn't.
  
  I just texted her a simple: "Honestly, I'd prefer to be a guest. I can't believe it's 6 months away."
  

  
  

  AnnieTheNanny said:

  She responded a few minutes later after I sent it and said "no problem," I asked her why it was so important for me to have a job at the wedding and she said she wanted me to a a part of the wedding.. so I thanked her and left it at that.
  

  
  She sounds like a peach.  I'm glad you got it all worked out!

  And one of my MOHs was pregnant during my wedding planning and it was not a big deal at all.  In fact, she was the DD for the bachelorette and after our wedding!  And now the shoe is on the other foot since I am pregnant - she and her H had a DD for the Jimmy Buffett show!
  

  

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• PrettyGirlLost member

  

  November 2016

  AnnieTheNanny said:

  Thanks for all the suggestions! I really wish it would be easy to tell her again that I would really just like to be a guest. SP29-- it's not my cousin who I have the problem with but my future cousin in law to be. I'll try again to tell her I REALLY just want to be a guest and am excited about the wedding.
  
  I'm guessing she is really trying to push me on this because of guilt but she doesn't know when to stop. I thought for sure that telling her I just want to be a guest would end it but it didn't.
  
  I just texted her a simple: "Honestly, I'd prefer to be a guest. I can't believe it's 6 months away."
  

  
  
  

  AnnieTheNanny said:

  She responded a few minutes later after I sent it and said "no problem," I asked her why it was so important for me to have a job at the wedding and she said she wanted me to a a part of the wedding.. so I thanked her and left it at that.
  

  
  Oh look, it was easy to tell her you just wanted to be a guest.
  

  
  "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
  
  

  
  

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• drunkenwitch member

  

  November 2016

  She uninvited you because you don't drink? that is some serious bullshit .  I have friends who don't drink for various  of reasons and none of them have a problem coming to a party I throw, where they know some alcohol will be present. I just make sure I have a nice variety of non alcoholic drinks to offer. 

  

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