having trouble choosing MOH. would love some advice...

[Deleted User] · December 2016

Hello Knotties,

I need some advice and I'm not too sure if I'm posting this in the right place.
Well here goes:

I recently got engaged on my birthday (Oct 23, 2016), and my FI and I have set our wedding day to be in May, 2018, however, we've already started choosing our wedding party. I have a friend who I've basically grew up with, so shes more like a sister, and while I was thinking about making her my MOH, she was the center of a few arguments the night before my birthday and somehow made that night about her and how she felt even after I asked her not to.

Also her and my FI don't really get along. I do have a friend I would like to ask to be my MOH and I ultimately want to choose a MOH who represents my FI and I. He has already chosen his BM and GM.

Any advice on how to let my friend know? (BTW I would still like her to be one of my maids)

ILoveBeachMusic · December 2016

You will find most people suggest waiting until 9 months or so before the wedding to choose your wedding party. This is because relationships can change (as you have already experienced). Once you ask someone to be in the WP you can't "unask" them with ending the friendship. Wait until it is closer to your wedding!

CMGragain · December 2016

Knottie2c1fef300843573c said:

Hello Knotties,

I need some advice and I'm not too sure if I'm posting this in the right place.
Well here goes:

I recently got engaged on my birthday (Oct 23, 2016), and my FI and I have set our wedding day to be in May, 2018, however, we've already started choosing our wedding party. I have a friend who I've basically grew up with, so shes more like a sister, and while I was thinking about making her my MOH, she was the center of a few arguments the night before my birthday and somehow made that night about her and how she felt even after I asked her not to.

Also her and my FI don't really get along. I do have a friend I would like to ask to be my MOH and I ultimately want to choose a MOH who represents my FI and I. He has already chosen his BM and GM.

Any advice on how to let my friend know? (BTW I would still like her to be one of my maids)

Warning! Warning! Danger, Will Robinson!
It is not a good idea to shoose your wedding party this early. It leads to more trouble than anything else on the Knot. Relationships change over time. Wait until about 9 to 10 months from your wedding date to choose attendants.

If anyone asks you about your wedding party, you say "We really haven't gotten to that yet. Our wedding is so far away." If anyone asks if they will be in your wedding party, they are being very rude, and putting you on the spot.

Remember, once you ask someone to be in your wedding party, you cannot take it back. You are stuck with your decision.

missfrodo · December 2016

ILoveBeachMusic said:

You will find most people suggest waiting until 9 months or so before the wedding to choose your wedding party. This is because relationships can change (as you have already experienced). Once you ask someone to be in the WP you can't "unask" them with ending the friendship. Wait until it is closer to your wedding!

Please listen to this advice. If you don't know who you want standing next to you now, these relationships are likely to change even more when you get closer to your wedding. It's easy to get caught up in the excitement of your engagement, but for your friendships' sake, hold off on asking your bridal party for now.
When you do ask your BMs, avoid telling them what they aren't. Ie, if you decide to make your long-time friend a BM but not a MOH, don't say "I know we've known each other forever, and you'd be my obvious first choice for MOH, but you've been a little self-centered lately so I'm asking Mary instead. I still want you as a BM, though!" That comes off as really mean and petty. Instead, just tell her "I'd love for you to be a BM in my wedding!" and she'll either accept or decline.
You can also have 2 MOHs or no MOHs, and make everyone BMs. The title MOH is typically used to honor one's closest friend or friends, but the only thing different she might do is stand closer to you than the other girls, and she's often asked to sign the marriage license as a witness. Apart from that, MOH is the exact same thing as a BM.

MobKaz · December 2016

CMGragain said:

Knottie2c1fef300843573c said:

Hello Knotties,

I need some advice and I'm not too sure if I'm posting this in the right place.
Well here goes:

I recently got engaged on my birthday (Oct 23, 2016), and my FI and I have set our wedding day to be in May, 2018, however, we've already started choosing our wedding party. I have a friend who I've basically grew up with, so shes more like a sister, and while I was thinking about making her my MOH, she was the center of a few arguments the night before my birthday and somehow made that night about her and how she felt even after I asked her not to.

Also her and my FI don't really get along. I do have a friend I would like to ask to be my MOH and I ultimately want to choose a MOH who represents my FI and I. He has already chosen his BM and GM.

Any advice on how to let my friend know? (BTW I would still like her to be one of my maids)

Warning! Warning! Danger, Will Robinson!
It is not a good idea to shoose your wedding party this early. It leads to more trouble than anything else on the Knot. Relationships change over time. Wait until about 9 to 10 months from your wedding date to choose attendants.

If anyone asks you about your wedding party, you say "We really haven't gotten to that yet. Our wedding is so far away." If anyone asks if they will be in your wedding party, they are being very rude, and putting you on the spot.

Remember, once you ask someone to be in your wedding party, you cannot take it back. You are stuck with your decision.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OWwOJlOI1nU

downtondiva · December 2016

OP, this is not a good time to be making any decisions about your wedding party or asking people to be in it. First of all, it's too far out from your wedding; as others have said here, you are much better off waiting until about 9-10 months prior to the wedding, because relationships can indeed change a lot if you ask sooner than that. Second of all, it seems that you are still kind of mad at your friend right now. You need to cool off from that and see how things go with her over the next few months before you can decide how and if you want to include her in your wedding party. Once you ask, there's no going back.

That she and your FI don't get along isn't especially relevant here, unless she has been opposed to your relationship or has been disrespectful toward him (in which case, why would you still be friends with her?). He has the right to his opinions, but he can't pick your wedding party for you.

All in all, I strongly suggest you focus on some other parts of wedding planning for now and come back to this question next summer.

LondonLisa · December 2016

I agree, nearly 2 years out us way too early. Relationships change! Honestly, this website is FILLED with posts from people who asked this early and they all regret it!

If in September 2017 you still can't decide, there is no rule that you have to have an MOH. Everyone can be a bridesmaid.

charlotte989875 · December 2016

Give it some time. This isn't something that needs to be decided right now. Take time (like an entire year) and see where your friendships are at that point and decide then.

DrillSergeantCat · December 2016

We just had another poster last week facing a situation where she set her WP super early and then had a falling out with her MOH. Don't do it yet. Just wait.

SaintPaulGal · December 2016

Agree with everyone saying don't do it. It's too early to pick your wedding party.

I did this myself and I wish I hadn't. I didn't know any better at the time and I asked a couple of people immediately when I shared news of the engagement. There hasn't been a terrible falling out or anything, but in the time since then I have gotten less close to one of the people I asked and closer to others. I still care a lot about the original people, and I would never ever ever un-ask either of them, but if I were asking now--when it would be more appropriate to ask--I would do things differently. Not the end of the world, but still 100% avoidable.

MissKittyDanger · December 2016

Agreeing with others. You never know what could happen.

Also if you're having doubts, definitely don't make a decision unless you're 1000% sure

cowgirl8238 · December 2016

I agree that you should wait until much closer to your wedding date before you ask people to be in your WP. I also asked early without knowing any better and while I had no issues personally I have read of way too many people that do.

As an aside, I do want to remind you (and the lurkers) that the only thing your BM or MOH has to do is show up on time for your wedding somewhat sober, happy and in the dress that you agreed upon. There are no super special duties or jobs that they have to perform outside of this. (well maybe fluffing your train but you know what I mean!)

[Deleted User] · December 2016

Thank You for the advice!!!!!!!!
I will definitely take heed in what everyone is saying. I think waiting to make any decisions as far as the wedding party is concerned is the best plan of action!!!!

having trouble choosing MOH. would love some advice...

Re: having trouble choosing MOH. would love some advice...

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