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Wedding Woes
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How do you deal with relatives that don't make an effort to come?
My mom dropped the news on me that my step-brother, his wife, and my niece and god daughter will probably not come to my wedding. This cut me a bit since I sent out a STD way early in advance since most of my relatives are out of state. His wife was extremely excited for my wedding and so was he. Their excuse is that both their daughters spring break doesn't start until the week after and they don't want to take them out of school, which is understandable, but I would love if just my brother and his wife could try to make it.
They're important to me and I made the effort and spent money to travel to their state for my nieces' communions while I was still in college and on that broke college student status. I don't think it's about money for them since they take ~3 trips a year with the girls, last year being a Paris trip, and most recently a Colorado trip, and they apparently could take the girls out of school then. Plus, my mom offered to have them stay at their home, so no hotel costs.
Majority of my family is in the Europe with a few here in the US, and most are probably not going to show up, from what I hear. It looks like it's just going to be my FH's family at my wedding and only 10 from mine.
I was really upset when my mom told me since I value my family and make the effort to be close to them but the feeling doesn't seem to be mutual. How would you deal? Forgive them? Tell them that I'm really upset and disappointed? I'm not sure what to say... but it's been hurting me.
They're important to me and I made the effort and spent money to travel to their state for my nieces' communions while I was still in college and on that broke college student status. I don't think it's about money for them since they take ~3 trips a year with the girls, last year being a Paris trip, and most recently a Colorado trip, and they apparently could take the girls out of school then. Plus, my mom offered to have them stay at their home, so no hotel costs.
Majority of my family is in the Europe with a few here in the US, and most are probably not going to show up, from what I hear. It looks like it's just going to be my FH's family at my wedding and only 10 from mine.
I was really upset when my mom told me since I value my family and make the effort to be close to them but the feeling doesn't seem to be mutual. How would you deal? Forgive them? Tell them that I'm really upset and disappointed? I'm not sure what to say... but it's been hurting me.
Re: How do you deal with relatives that don't make an effort to come?
I can definitely see why you're disappointed.
I'm not blaming you, per se, but this is why we tell people to check with their VIPs before committing to a date. Instead of telling them when it was, hoping they could come, and being disappointed when they couldn't, if you had checked dates with them first, then this wouldn't have been an issue. Again, not a dig at you, but this is the reason we suggest checking first.
But that's behind you now. At the end of the day, it's unfortunate, but it happens. FWIW, I didn't appreciate what a big freaking deal it is to take a kid out of school until my oldest was in elementary. I was hesitant to pull her out for two days to attend my grandmother's 100th birthday, and she's only in second grade. But even that required her (awesome) teacher to rejigger her reading evaluation schedule to make sure she got my kid done before we left, and we had to take assignments with us and stuff.
If they already took their kids out of school for another trip this year (it sounds like Paris was a previous school year?), then I can 100% understand their reluctance to miss more school. Depending on how old they are, the week before spring break may involve tests that would be really detrimental for them to miss.
Also, as much as it stings, the fact that you traveled to their events doesn't obligate them to travel to yours. I understand why you're let down, but it sounds like you need to accept it and then focus on all the people who will be there. At the end of the day, you'll still be married, and that's the whole point.
(ETF words.)
DrillSergeantCat said: We picked the date based on availability and cost. They knew well enough in advance and were very excited about it and told me to face they were coming, so that is why I am confused about their uncertainty now. Yeah it sucks they may not be there, but I feel like they my parents and them have had some disagreements and they are taking a jab at me now, when I never did anything to them.
I think it's fine to tell them you are disappointed they are not coming, but that is as far as I would go.
FWIW - I get it. I live far from both families. 95% of the time we go to them. We use up our vacations on seeing them. It's annoying they rarely come to visit us (my Mil has NEVER visited us, ever). Their vacations are spent at really cool places, ours are mostly going to visit them. Trust me western part of Long Island is not a vacation to me. In the end however, we are the ones who choose to visit them and they are under no obligation to do the same.
I would also be hurt and disappointed they would not come to my wedding, but honestly, there isn't anything you can do about it. Unless there is more of a backstory, I personally wouldn't hold a life long grudge over someone my missing wedding. Life is too short.
Saying to just leave them behind is easier said than done. I'd be hard pressed to find people that could take care of my kids for a weekend.
The trip was last year and I don't think they have a problem with taking their kids out of school. They do it quite frequently for different trips. It sucks I guess.
Yes, my dad actually spoke with them recently and my dad told my mom. My dad was actually very bummed out too. Hopefully they sway to coming but like everyone else has said, it's not a summons, understandable. Whatever the out come is, I won't let it ruin my day of course.
Your OP says your parents offered a place to say. Follow ups say they aren't getting along. Of course they wouldn't want to stay there.
Hm maybe you're right about them staying there, but the brother actually asked if it was possible to stay with them; so confused now! The disagreement actually happened years ago, and everyone thought it was resolved, but I guess not.
I'm not even a parent, but even I know that what happens last year doesn't equal what can happen this year. Way too many variables.
On another note, if your parents and step-brother are having issues, I wouldn't put much stock in what mom is telling you.
I went through something similar. My Uncle doesn't talk much to the rest of the family, due to issues that had nothing to do with us kids years ago. He was still invited to our wedding, which was in Hawaii. They said no. Their reasoning was that they didn't go to my Brother's wedding (due to the fight), so they weren't going to anyone's wedding. They were in Hawaii at the same time on vacation (which they take every year), so it's not like they couldn't come to Hawaii. I actually ran into him and his GF at the lobby of my MOH's hotel, the night before the wedding. Kind of an awkward meeting when they asked what I was doing at that hotel.
Anyway, if they do decide to not come, there's really nothing you can do. I was a little upset too, but it's also something that I pretty much had no control over. If they don't make it, you have to choose how you want that to affect your relationship. I've accepted that my Uncle is like this, no matter what I did or didn't do. He is still invited to everything we invite the family to, and it's his choice how to respond. I won't waste my energy getting upset over his actions.
It's an incredible pain because you want all of the people you love to be there on your special day.
I have a similar situation where my aunt texted me out of the blue, saying she wanted literally nothing to do with my wedding and that she will not be attending. I had not spoke to her in a few months, the normal. She sent that just because she and my mother were in a cat fight at the moment..
A month later, after ignoring the text and drama she sent a huge apology and at Christmas apologized to my fiance and I in person and offered to help with anything.
Just keep in mind everything happens for a reason. If they come, that's wonderful! If they cannot come, do not let that ruin your special day, they love you regardless and are happy for you.
If it's over parent drama, there is nothing you can do about it. That is between your parents and brother, they need to have a heart-to-heart and work everything out before the big day.