Private Elopement Etiquette Questions!

[Deleted User] · December 2016

Hello! Me & my Fiancee will be getting married in October 2017 at the Grand Canyon- we plan to make a big trip out of it, getting on Route 66 & stopping along the way to get married! We're both very excited about the idea, as we both have never wanted to have a formal wedding!
Our plan is to come home & have a "celebration" that next weekend- I'll wear my dress, he will be in his tux & we'll invite everyone we would have if it was a tradition ceremony. No gifts, just a regular reception after a ceremony without the ceremony.

I have a few questions & I believe I should probably separate them by forums but I'll give it a shot all here!

First, I do not know how to go about invitations! I have my wording down pretty well, but I don't know when exactly I would send that out. It's making me consider have the "celebration" a few weeks after the trip, instead of just a week. I wouldn't know how early to send it without confusing people about invites and what they'll be going to.

Also, I don't know how to go about having a shower. I wasn't sure if any one on here could give me some insight on if people would be offended by me "asking for gifts" but not inviting them to the wedding. But, people with destination weddings have showers, right? Not everyone can make it to the destination ceremony- which is kind of what this is! Can I still have a shower & follow the same guidelines as for the timeline of when to have it as well?

Thanks for any help I can get!!!

banana468 · December 2016

Knottiee45d8b68501d46da said:

Hello! Me & my Fiancee will be getting married in October 2017 at the Grand Canyon- we plan to make a big trip out of it, getting on Route 66 & stopping along the way to get married! We're both very excited about the idea, as we both have never wanted to have a formal wedding!
Our plan is to come home & have a "celebration" that next weekend- I'll wear my dress, he will be in his tux & we'll invite everyone we would have if it was a tradition ceremony. No gifts, just a regular reception after a ceremony without the ceremony.

I have a few questions & I believe I should probably separate them by forums but I'll give it a shot all here!

First, I do not know how to go about invitations! I have my wording down pretty well, but I don't know when exactly I would send that out. It's making me consider have the "celebration" a few weeks after the trip, instead of just a week. I wouldn't know how early to send it without confusing people about invites and what they'll be going to.

Also, I don't know how to go about having a shower. I wasn't sure if any one on here could give me some insight on if people would be offended by me "asking for gifts" but not inviting them to the wedding. But, people with destination weddings have showers, right? Not everyone can make it to the destination ceremony- which is kind of what this is! Can I still have a shower & follow the same guidelines as for the timeline of when to have it as well?

Thanks for any help I can get!!!

A few things:

1) Eloping is fine. But it sounds like you're not doing it completely in secret. You're planning to tell people that you don't intend to invite them to your wedding. I get it. But it makes things a little muddier here.

2) What you can host is a party. It shouldn't be a party where you wear your wedding dress and your FI in his suit because it's not a wedding reception and wearing the dress could come across that you're rubbing it in the faces of all those who you didn't invite to watch you get married. Having a party is fine. Having a party called a wedding celebration when none of the guests were invited to your wedding is what makes it on the rude end. Have the party. Say it's your first party to throw as a married couple - but don't turn it into a wedding reception. You deliberately opted for a private wedding. With that means no reception. But throwing a party at any time is perfectly cool.

3) How you'd word the invitations IMO depends on what people know. Technically you'd send out formal announcements after you got married and THEN would send out party invitations because you wouldn't tell the world you're eloping. Sort of says, "I'm having a party and you're not invited" which is what we were told not to do back when we were reading Beverly Cleary. I'd opt for a bit of a longer gap between tying TK and the party itself if possible. If not, just plan a party and call it a party because (see above).

4) By having a private elopement you've decided against any pre-wedding parties to be thrown in your honor. That means declining any offers of showers and bachelorette parties. It's fine to register and not broadcast it since plenty of people may still want to give gifts but invited shower and bachelorette guests need to be invited to the wedding - and that includes the ceremony.

5) Yes, people with destination weddings have showers. They also have destination wedding GUESTS. This is why they can have showers. Those invited to the destination event are also invited to the shower. You're not having a destination ceremony with invited guests. You're having some kind of destination private ceremony. Not the same thing at all.

Enjoy the planning. But own it. If you opt to try to include guests that's fine. But when you opt to plan a private event, that means that all the pre-wedding stuff is private too.

Congratulations on your engagement and stick around!

kaos16 · December 2016

Knottiee45d8b68501d46da said:

Hello! Me & my Fiancee will be getting married in October 2017 at the Grand Canyon- we plan to make a big trip out of it, getting on Route 66 & stopping along the way to get married! We're both very excited about the idea, as we both have never wanted to have a formal wedding!
Our plan is to come home & have a "celebration" that next weekend- I'll wear my dress, he will be in his tux & we'll invite everyone we would have if it was a tradition ceremony. No gifts, just a regular reception after a ceremony without the ceremony.

I have a few questions & I believe I should probably separate them by forums but I'll give it a shot all here!

First, I do not know how to go about invitations! I have my wording down pretty well, but I don't know when exactly I would send that out. It's making me consider have the "celebration" a few weeks after the trip, instead of just a week. I wouldn't know how early to send it without confusing people about invites and what they'll be going to.

Also, I don't know how to go about having a shower. I wasn't sure if any one on here could give me some insight on if people would be offended by me "asking for gifts" but not inviting them to the wedding. But, people with destination weddings have showers, right? Not everyone can make it to the destination ceremony- which is kind of what this is! Can I still have a shower & follow the same guidelines as for the timeline of when to have it as well?

Thanks for any help I can get!!!

1. An elopement road trip sounds like a ton of fun. Enjoy your wedding, and take great photos.

2. Send invitations to your party at home as you would any party. Maybe it can be just that, a party. Don't make it "wedding like", just have an open house or a BBQ or something. If people ask, show them some photos from your wedding, or have the album out on a counter or end table where people can take a look at it if they want.

3. No shower. The only people invited to pre-wedding parties are people who are invited to the wedding. When you have an elopement you don't have guests, thereby you forego pre-wedding parties. In my opinion, this is different than a destination wedding. When people have a destination wedding they invite people from their wedding guest list to their shower, that does not necessarily mean those people will choose to go to the wedding, but they are invited.

charlotte989875 · December 2016

show previous quotes
Knottiee45d8b68501d46da said:
Hello! Me & my Fiancee will be getting married in October 2017 at the Grand Canyon- we plan to make a big trip out of it, getting on Route 66 & stopping along the way to get married! We're both very excited about the idea, as we both have never wanted to have a formal wedding!
Our plan is to come home & have a "celebration" that next weekend- I'll wear my dress, he will be in his tux & we'll invite everyone we would have if it was a tradition ceremony. No gifts, just a regular reception after a ceremony without the ceremony.

I have a few questions & I believe I should probably separate them by forums but I'll give it a shot all here!

First, I do not know how to go about invitations! I have my wording down pretty well, but I don't know when exactly I would send that out. It's making me consider have the "celebration" a few weeks after the trip, instead of just a week. I wouldn't know how early to send it without confusing people about invites and what they'll be going to.

Also, I don't know how to go about having a shower. I wasn't sure if any one on here could give me some insight on if people would be offended by me "asking for gifts" but not inviting them to the wedding. But, people with destination weddings have showers, right? Not everyone can make it to the destination ceremony- which is kind of what this is! Can I still have a shower & follow the same guidelines as for the timeline of when to have it as well?

Thanks for any help I can get!!!
SITB

Your plans are going to garner quite a lot of criticism here, particularly for having a wedding (your elopement) then having a redo/reenactment a week later. The best plan would be to have a celebration of marriage party, but not having another ceremony/vows. I'm less of a purist and say wear whatever you want to this, but some people will say no white wedding dress. But the point is you will already be married by this point so you shouldn't be trying to do it again.

As for the shower only people that are invited to the wedding (when you actually get married) not the celebration of marriage party should be invited to a shower. So since you're not inviting anywone to the ceremony you shouldn't be inviting or having a shower. This is different from DW's because anyone that's invited to the DW whether they can attended or not can be invited to the shower. The point here is that it's rude to invite someone to a pre-wedding party (not just showers but engagement parties, bridal teas, bachelorette parties, etc) and not invite them to the actual event.

I know this probably sounds harsh, but when you choose a certain type of event (eloping) you forever other pre-wedding parties or large receptions with ceremonies. No one type of wedding is better or more appropriate than the other but they all come with consequences of your choices.

DrillSergeantCat · December 2016

Well...since you'll have already had your wedding, you shouldn't wear your dress or do any of the normal trappings of a wedding. Also, you shouldn't have a shower because by eloping you forgo the normal traditions of a wedding. You can't invite people to pre-wedding events if they're not invited to the wedding. You aren't having a destination wedding so you can't compare the two. It's a destination elopement, not wedding. Big difference.

ETA - my advice is that if you want all the normal wedding things, have a very small wedding.

[Deleted User] · December 2016

People on here will tell you not to call it a wedding reception because your 'reception' does not follow your actual wedding. I personally wouldn't care what you call it as long as I am hosted properly (e.g. enough food, a seat etc). A party is still a party regardless of name, but you aren't really supposed to call your celebration 'a reception.' However, isn't it a bit weird to have a shower for people to give you gifts for a wedding they won't actually be attending? I would feel a bit strange about giving people a gift for a wedding I will not attend. I think etiquette states that you should give a gift if you receive an invite, even if you can't go. However, your destination wedding example is not relevant because you are not having a wedding, where some people cannot attend. You are eloping so no-one else is invited. I would find a bridal shower a bit odd/rude but I would get over it if the reception was properly hosted, (e.g. if I had a full meal, no cash bar). If you don't properly host your celebration and expect a bridal shower, I would find that rude.

AddieCake · December 2016

A shower is something you give up when you elope. Just have a get-together at your house when you get back and invite people as you would with any party. No dress and tux. That ship has sailed. Cake, though, is always acceptable, no matter what anybody says anywhere ever.

[Deleted User] · December 2016

Thank you everyone!

I do plan on having it more of a party- less of a reception, but most family & friends have requested that we wear our dress & suit so they can see!

I was told on another forum that I had to call it an elopment, because that is what it is- but I'm not secretly doing anything. Both our family & friends know, it is just that no one wants/plans to make it. No one wants to travel that far.

I understand about the shower! I wanted to make sure! I'd be happy to send invitations to everyone, but everyone has already admitted they wouldn't come. So I'm not going to waste the papers. That is why I made the destination wedding example, because anyone who would come could come, they just won't.

STARMOON44 · December 2016

I don't see any reason not to wear your dress or for him not to wear anything he likes! Why not get the most wear out of the clothes as you can.

For the party, if you want the elopement to be secret you'll need to have it at least a few weeks after. I'd say something like "you are invited to a celebration of the marriage of June and Bob which was held on April 1" or something similar so people know this is a party, not a wedding.

No guests at the wedding = no showers.

Other than that I think this plan sounds really fun!

[Deleted User] · December 2016

thanks to the people who answered the questions asked & didn't comment on things that your opinion behind a keyboard isn't going to change. We're wearing the dress & the tux. We're having the party a week later because it isn't secret- just no guests will come.
I asked about invitations & a shower.
No to the shower-got it.

AddieCake · December 2016

Knottiee45d8b68501d46da said:

thanks to the people who answered the questions asked & didn't comment on things that your opinion behind a keyboard isn't going to change. We're wearing the dress & the tux. We're having the party a week later because it isn't secret- just no guests will come.
I asked about invitations & a shower.
No to the shower-got it.

People are free to respond about whatever they want. It's something you should get used to and accept if you're going to post in forums.

DrillSergeantCat · December 2016

Knottiee45d8b68501d46da said:

thanks to the people who answered the questions asked & didn't comment on things that your opinion behind a keyboard isn't going to change. We're wearing the dress & the tux. We're having the party a week later because it isn't secret- just no guests will come.
I asked about invitations & a shower.
No to the shower-got it.

Look...YOU called it an elopement. Elopement means in secret. We can't infer from that that you actually invited people. This is a public forum and people are going to respond to whatever they want to respond to. You can't control that.

banana468 · December 2016

Knottiee45d8b68501d46da said:

thanks to the people who answered the questions asked & didn't comment on things that your opinion behind a keyboard isn't going to change. We're wearing the dress & the tux. We're having the party a week later because it isn't secret- just no guests will come.
I asked about invitations & a shower.
No to the shower-got it.

You posted about what you're planning to do. That opens the door for commentary.

You mentioned whether or not the party at one week later was making sense.

These aren't survey questions. This box lets members write what they want.

I don't particularly understand why you'd want to wear a wedding dress to the reception is the idea was to have a private wedding. It doesn't make a ton of sense to me. Are you having a formal party that week later?

[Deleted User] · December 2016

God, open the flood gates of wedding McNasty. I was told by one of you fellow "you can't do that" forum stalkers that it had to be called an elopement. I guess that proves if I listen to you guys, I'm not getting good answers at all, huh?

STARMOON44 · December 2016

If it isn't secret (which wasn't clear to me at all) then sure a week later is fine. The invitations should say something like:
You are invited to a celebration of the marriage of Jane and Susan on April 7, 2017. The couple will be married privately on April 1, 2017.

Id send the invites 4-6 weeks early, like any party.

STARMOON44 · December 2016

Knottiee45d8b68501d46da said:

God, open the flood gates of wedding McNasty. I was told by one of you fellow "you can't do that" forum stalkers that it had to be called an elopement. I guess that proves if I listen to you guys, I'm not getting good answers at all, huh?

I'm so confused. I think people have been pretty helpful! If you disagree you can always just ignore them. No one has been nasty to you.

DrillSergeantCat · December 2016

STARMOON44 said:

show previous quotes

Knottiee45d8b68501d46da said:

God, open the flood gates of wedding McNasty. I was told by one of you fellow "you can't do that" forum stalkers that it had to be called an elopement. I guess that proves if I listen to you guys, I'm not getting good answers at all, huh?

I'm so confused. I think people have been pretty helpful! If you disagree you can always just ignore them. No one has been nasty to you.

Such a shock...she deleted her account.

STARMOON44 · December 2016

DrillSergeantCat said:

show previous quotes

STARMOON44 said:

Knottiee45d8b68501d46da said:

God, open the flood gates of wedding McNasty. I was told by one of you fellow "you can't do that" forum stalkers that it had to be called an elopement. I guess that proves if I listen to you guys, I'm not getting good answers at all, huh?

I'm so confused. I think people have been pretty helpful! If you disagree you can always just ignore them. No one has been nasty to you.

Such a shock...she deleted her account.

This wasn't even a mean one!!!

DrillSergeantCat · December 2016

STARMOON44 said:
This wasn't even a mean one!!!

I'm learning that people really cannot accept it when their bad ideas are not validated. The funny thing is, I went to look at the thread where she was told she had to call it an elopement and this was her only discussion and were her only replies. Unless she's a re-reg, nobody here told her that.

AddieCake · December 2016

WTF? Hahahahahaha. That was a bizarre melting away.

banana468 · December 2016

If you can't handle random questions on a forum what do you do during family events?

DrillSergeantCat · December 2016

banana468 said:

If you can't handle random questions on a forum what do you do during family events?

Curl up in the fetal position in a dark corner while sucking her thumb?

knottiej · December 2016

DrillSergeantCat said:

show previous quotes

STARMOON44 said:

Knottiee45d8b68501d46da said:

God, open the flood gates of wedding McNasty. I was told by one of you fellow "you can't do that" forum stalkers that it had to be called an elopement. I guess that proves if I listen to you guys, I'm not getting good answers at all, huh?

I'm so confused. I think people have been pretty helpful! If you disagree you can always just ignore them. No one has been nasty to you.

Such a shock...she deleted her account.

There have been of few of those lately it seems.

thefanciestbeckler · December 2016

If you guys hadn't been so McNasty to her maybe she would have stuck around

charlotte989875 · December 2016

Apparently we all need these.

DrillSergeantCat · December 2016

thefanciestbeckler said:

If you guys hadn't been so McNasty to her maybe she would have stuck around

What if we just offered her a shamrock shake to go with the McNasty?

CMGragain · December 2016

"Hello! Me & my Fiancee will be getting married in October 2017 at the Grand Canyon- we plan to make a big trip out of it, getting on Route 66 & stopping along the way to get married! We're both very excited about the idea, as we both have never wanted to have a formal wedding!
Our plan is to come home & have a "celebration" that next weekend- I'll wear my dress, he will be in his tux & we'll invite everyone we would have if it was a tradition ceremony. No gifts, just a regular reception after a ceremony without the ceremony."

Does anyone else notice a conflict in these two statements?

ILoveBeachMusic · December 2016

Nothing irks me more (well almost nothing) than people who want their cake and eat it too. Either elope and don't have a reception with all the trimmings or have a ceremony (only one) followed by a reception. You can't have it both ways.

InLoveInQueens · December 2016

ILoveBeachMusic said:

Nothing irks me more (well almost nothing) than people who want their cake and eat it too. Either elope and don't have a reception with all the trimmings or have a ceremony (only one) followed by a reception. You can't have it both ways.

But you don't understand, all these people will be absolutely devastated if they won't get to go to this couple's fake wedding play pretend party. /s

It is so frustrating when people choose to have a private ceremony and act like all people care about is the party afterwards and they won't be sad to not get to see the actual wedding and only get a runner's up prize.

Anyone wanna bet if OP is planning on having a big wedding cake and "first"/spotlight dance?

Jen4948 · December 2016

InLoveInQueens said:

show previous quotes

ILoveBeachMusic said:

Nothing irks me more (well almost nothing) than people who want their cake and eat it too. Either elope and don't have a reception with all the trimmings or have a ceremony (only one) followed by a reception. You can't have it both ways.

But you don't understand, all these people will be absolutely devastated if they won't get to go to this couple's fake wedding play pretend party. /s

It is so frustrating when people choose to have a private ceremony and act like all people care about is the party afterwards and they won't be sad to not get to see the actual wedding and only get a runner's up prize.

Anyone wanna bet if OP is planning on having a big wedding cake and "first"/spotlight dance?

Not gonna bet against a sure thing.

[Deleted User] · December 2016

@Jen4948 What's wrong with having a wedding cake? It's just cake! lol Parties have cake. The fact it may have white icing and flowers isn't a big deal. Same with the first dance. Who cares if she does another dance with her partner? It's not as if it affects the guests enjoyment.

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