Earn cash as you plan. Get a $20 gift card for every 200 points with The Knot Rewards
Just Engaged and Proposals
![[Deleted User]](/)
[Deleted User]
member
Younger sister's (25) boyfriend proposed to her before my boyfriend did (28). How to cope?
Hi everyone!
I am a 28 year old woman with a problem. My boyfriend and I have been together almost a 1 1/2 years and he moved in last May. The relationship overall has moved pretty fast. I told him I did not want him moving in without an engagement in the near future and since that is not happening, I have been very upset. My family is aware of the situation.
Over Christmas, even though my boyfriend has not purchased a ring, he asked my parents for permission to propose. We live across the country, so he might not get a chance to ask in-person for awhile. This was a very big step, and my family was very excited. Literally 4 hours after that, my sister's boyfriend asked, then he proposed 2 days later.
This whole situation has made me very upset for a number of reasons.
1-my boyfriend asked first. my sister's boyfriend made no consideration of that, and now we will have to wai to get engaged to not "overshadow" her moment. I also feel like I will never get my moment(s), since my sister will have had all of hers first.
2-my mom told me "well, your sister is engaged because her boyfriend could afford a ring and yours cant". while my boyfriend is saving for a ring, my sister told me that her boyfriend is actually making payments on the ring he proposed to her with. even worse, my sister told her boyfriend that he could not propose until he had paid fully for it. well he did anyway.
3-No one in my family has been sympathetic to me, or will admit that my feelings should be hurt. I have been crying every day I am so upset and stressed. My sister was angry over Christmas about her boyfriend doing something (before the engagement) and my mom and dad literally left me at my grandmother's house and took her home to console her. Her feelings always seem to be a priority over mine.
Another problem is that my mother is under some odd impression that I do not want a wedding. She called me and said "You are just planning on getting married at the courthouse, right?" while calling my sister bugging her about wedding plans. My mother has been extremely involved in all of her friend's daughter's wedding planning as well. After the engagement that's all my mom would talk about and instead of being like "its ok, don't worry" I got a "well.. i guess you're next".
At first, I was happy for my sister. Our boyfriends get along very well. But, as reality sunk in, I got very depressed and realized that this situation is kind of shitty. I feel like my wedding/engagement will never be special because my sister beat me to it. My sister has always been more successful than me and this stings. I have tried talking to her about my feelings (not in a confrontational way) and she literally told me "I just didn't think you were traditional or were ever going to get married".. what?! I've never said that.
Have any of you been through this or have any advice on how to cope?
I am a 28 year old woman with a problem. My boyfriend and I have been together almost a 1 1/2 years and he moved in last May. The relationship overall has moved pretty fast. I told him I did not want him moving in without an engagement in the near future and since that is not happening, I have been very upset. My family is aware of the situation.
Over Christmas, even though my boyfriend has not purchased a ring, he asked my parents for permission to propose. We live across the country, so he might not get a chance to ask in-person for awhile. This was a very big step, and my family was very excited. Literally 4 hours after that, my sister's boyfriend asked, then he proposed 2 days later.
This whole situation has made me very upset for a number of reasons.
1-my boyfriend asked first. my sister's boyfriend made no consideration of that, and now we will have to wai to get engaged to not "overshadow" her moment. I also feel like I will never get my moment(s), since my sister will have had all of hers first.
2-my mom told me "well, your sister is engaged because her boyfriend could afford a ring and yours cant". while my boyfriend is saving for a ring, my sister told me that her boyfriend is actually making payments on the ring he proposed to her with. even worse, my sister told her boyfriend that he could not propose until he had paid fully for it. well he did anyway.
3-No one in my family has been sympathetic to me, or will admit that my feelings should be hurt. I have been crying every day I am so upset and stressed. My sister was angry over Christmas about her boyfriend doing something (before the engagement) and my mom and dad literally left me at my grandmother's house and took her home to console her. Her feelings always seem to be a priority over mine.
Another problem is that my mother is under some odd impression that I do not want a wedding. She called me and said "You are just planning on getting married at the courthouse, right?" while calling my sister bugging her about wedding plans. My mother has been extremely involved in all of her friend's daughter's wedding planning as well. After the engagement that's all my mom would talk about and instead of being like "its ok, don't worry" I got a "well.. i guess you're next".
At first, I was happy for my sister. Our boyfriends get along very well. But, as reality sunk in, I got very depressed and realized that this situation is kind of shitty. I feel like my wedding/engagement will never be special because my sister beat me to it. My sister has always been more successful than me and this stings. I have tried talking to her about my feelings (not in a confrontational way) and she literally told me "I just didn't think you were traditional or were ever going to get married".. what?! I've never said that.
Have any of you been through this or have any advice on how to cope?
Re: Younger sister's (25) boyfriend proposed to her before my boyfriend did (28). How to cope?
I would give yourself some time to calm down though, congratulate your sister and her bf and think about what you want, NOT what other people want or what they are doing.
You'll get your day, your sister will have hers, and you'll both be happily married in the end. Be happy for her and for yourself.
Happiness isn't a zero sum game. Her getting engaged isn't taking anything away from you. There isn't a limited amount of joy that your family can feel. I feel like you are ascribing a lot of underlying issues to this situation:
1.) you are jealous if your sister. You say she is more successful and you feel she gets more attention from your parents
and
2.) you feel like your proposal is overdue from your boyfriend.
You shouldn't be confronting you mum or sister over this as she did nothing wrong. It's ridiculous to ask her to put her life on hold for you. It's also a bit self centred to think they did this 'to' you. I doubt they were hatching plans to ruin your Christmas. Your statements about her ring and their finances are also a bit bratty. It's none of your business. Quit trying to lessen her joy as if she isn't entitled to it. You are acting like she took it from you.
Your engagement will be special because it's when your fiancé proposes to you. Because it is about you two and your lives. Much like your sister's engagement was the same for them. There is no thunder to be stolen or attention to be taken away, unless you frame it that way.
This is a positive thing- imagine having a person to bounce wedding ideas off of or get tips from.
You do you, stop comparing your situation and be happy for your sister. And stop expecting everyone else to press pause on their lives to suit you. Imagine your sisters FI had waited to propose to her just because your BF had spoken to your parents first. They'd still be waiting to get engaged for no good reason. Thats cray.
Just don't stay upset for a long time. Realize that it ISN'T a competition. Your sister's relationship is not comparable to your own. You will both have beautiful weddings--regardless of which wedding comes first.
Sidenote: you should have a discussion with your mom. You seem hurt over those ambivalent-sounding comments she's said regarding a "courthouse wedding". Is there anything you might have said to make her think you DON'T want a big wedding? Regardless, you should talk with her and let her know that those comments have been on your mind. She likely didn't realize how those statements came off. I'm SURE she did not want to hurt you.
But what I can tell you is this: what we see from the outside is not always the truth. My best friend got married this past June. In August, I was at their apartment visiting and talking about my progressing relationship. Her husband started complaining about how my BFF begged for a key to his apartment, nagged him constantly about the ring, etc. She was really embarrassed, and it's obvious that he holds some resentment for the way their relationship evolved. There's also the case of my college friend, whose boyfriend broke up with her for another woman, but when she cried and had a breakdown he took her back and proposed. They're now getting a divorce. However, I also have friends who are married and extremely happy.
Sorry if my comment is convoluted. What I'm trying to say is that "the grass is always greener on the other side." The best way to be happy is to let your relationship move forward at your own pace. As for your proposal, your sister has had her engagement moment, and there's nothing saying you can't have yours now. Her FI didn't wait to propose after knowing your boyfriend asked your parents for permission, and your boyfriend doesn't have to wait to propose now either.
You know your boyfriend can't and won't propose for a while. You know he chose Christmas to ask your parents only because it was the only time he'd see them in person.
It sounds like you have long standing resentment from what you assume to be your parents favoring your sister. That needs to be dealt with, but outside of the confines of this conversation. The fact that they were excited he asked for permission means they will be excited when he actually asks you. They didn't say no to him, they didn't blow it off, they were and are happy for you too. It makes sense that they're more excited for your sisters actual engagement than your potential future engagement. One wedding is actually happening right now, the other will in the future. It's like being mad that your sister got pregnant two days after you announced you stopped your BC.
I think you owe your sister an apology. She's not stealing anyone's thunder. Her and her FI made a huge commitment and are moving forward with it on their own timeline.
Finally, stop worrying and micromanaging the process. Enjoy your time with your boyfriend. This is a fun happy time. You've both agreed you want to spend the rest of your lives together and are waiting for the right time in your life to move forward on that agreement. If and when he proposes, it will be special, it will be your moment. If and when it actually happens, you won't care who else is celebrating your moment because you will be so freaking happy it doesn't matter. And if it happens during your sisters engagement, you will have someone else in the same place as you to wedding talk with and share ideas with who won't get sick of wedding talk.
Slow down, take a deep breath.
But also, I have a sister. She was with her then BF (now H) for a year or two longer than I was with my H. We got engaged 6 months before them. She was genuinely happy for me. No resentment, no jealousy. Just happy. We have our fights and issues but me being engaged had no bearing or influence on when or what was right for her relationship. I just don't get the argument that jealousy is a natural reaction to someone else's happiness or big life event.
1) Give up on life. Your sister is engaged, so you might as well forget about love and be an old maid with a bunch of cats. Maybe the Humane Society will feel so bad for you they'll waive the adoption fees.
2) Rent a boxing ring and throw down. You and your financially conscious, but foot dragging boyfriend VS. your thunder stealing sister and her ring payment, sneak attack-proposal fiance. May the pettiest win.
You do not need to have a ring to be engaged to be married. All you need is for your boyfriend to propose to you. Lots of brides never get engagement rings.
After your boyfriend actually does propose to you, start planning your own wedding. Do not compare it to anyone else's wedding, and do not ask anyone for money to pay for it. If your parents do offer, then it is OK to accept the money, but beware of strings attached.
The jealousy you are displaying towards you sister is not very attractive. Grow up, and wish your sister happiness for her future.
First, I think you should consider whether this is something you need to bring up to your boyfriend. It sounds like you guys might have put a stipulation on when he could propose to you (e.g., he has to have a ring bought) that is no longer compatible with the timeline you had hoped for. So, make a decision together about what is more important: your timeline, or your ring. You don't need a ring to be engaged, but if you want one that's okay! But you will have to continue to wait for one.
Second, I can understand being frustrated that your family has so seriously misunderstood what you wanted/hoped for for your future wedding. It doesn't sound like the misunderstanding comes from a place of malice, so just be honest: "I'm not sure why folks think I wanted a small courthouse wedding. To be clear, what I hope to have eventually is actually more along the lines of..." Easy peasy.
Finally, the sooner you can come to grips with the fact that the whole world doesn't suddenly begin to revolve around you because you are a bride to be, the happier you will be. You will eventually get engaged and people will be excited for you! It's awesome! But then the excitement will die down. It will rise again on your wedding day, and at your bridal shower and bachelorette party if you have those, but otherwise you're just a normal woman who exists in the world like everyone else. You are not owed a time where everyone revels in your bridal glory, so you should just let that dream die now. Be happy for your sister, and understand that you can both be engaged and happy and enjoy this special time without infringing on one another's experience.
1. Apologize to your sister and your boyfriend.
2. Keep your mom out of any wedding plans you make.
3. Go do something for people with REAL problems.
4. If your boyfriend not buying a ring is the only problem you have with him, be grateful.
That's how you "cope." The two of you, it sounds like, had an understanding that if you were going to move in together there should be an engagement coming soon. But seven months later and, what, you're just hanging out hoping he proposes soon? TALK TO HIM. Ask him. Also, if you're in agreement that you're getting married you don't actually have to wait for any kind of formal proposal or ring. Just have a conversation and communicate with him about your future and any kind of timeline he has in mind. If you're worried about it ruining any kind of "surprise," you might want to rethink why the proposal part means so much versus, y'know, the marriage and spending the rest of your life with him part.
But getting pissed at your sister for something that is not her fault and not worth getting mad about is just redirecting your frustration about your relationship. Because, seriously? "My family is aware of the situation" makes it sound like something a lot worse than "My boyfriend didn't propose when I wanted him to."
People get days, not seasons. Would it be shitty for your boyfriend to propose before your family ten seconds after your sister announced their engagement to everyone? Yes. Would it be shitty for him to propose in the middle of her bridal shower? Yes. Would it be shitty for him to propose at their wedding reception? Yes. The reverse would also be true. But "moments" are just that. You are allowed to get engaged on whatever timeline works for you, and the same is true for her.
For the sake of family that would have to travel for weddings, you might want to consider not having the two weddings on consecutive weekends, but that's purely logistical - no one had "thunder" to be stolen, and your sister wouldn't be rude to do it. My two BILs got married within two months of each other 6 years ago, the girls even had a joint shower, and everyone was fine. It sounds like you're just not happy with your own timeline.
Story time. I got married first out of my siblings. My younger sister got married a year later. She had her first child and is now pregnant with their second due just a couple months before me with my first. I'm not upset or annoyed that she had children before I did even though I got married first or that she's having a second child not long before I have my first. I'm ecstatic that my child will have a cousin close in age!
I agree with PP's that you need to talk to your boyfriend. There are all sorts of things you can do to speed up your engagement if you want things to progress faster. For starters, your boyfriend doesn't need to save up for a ring. You don't have to have a ring (although I definitely understand wanting the symbol on your finger), and if you do want one, there are lots of beautiful traditional options for under $500, not to mention simple bands or silicone, metal, etc. rings for $50 or less. There are traditional e-rings at every price point between $200 and $100k.
You do not need to wait to get engaged to not overshadow your sister. I have two sisters who got engaged within a couple weeks of each other. No biggie.
If your parents seems to be more into your sister and her wedding, well, you can't really change that either. If they say stuff like, "I thought you wanted a courthouse wedding," just correct them. "No, I've never wanted that, actually. We're planning to have a brunch wedding for 50 people, dinner and dancing with all our friends and family, etc."
ETA: Another story. I got married about eight months before my older sister got engaged. She had been dating her boyfriend for a good year or two longer than I had dated mine. If she was ever upset about it, she hid it very well. (I genuinely don't think she was upset). She was my MOH, she helped throw me a shower and threw me a bachelorette, and I did the same when she got married. It never crossed my mind, and I don't think it crossed hers that we weren't following some prescribed "order." It wasn't and isn't important to me or to any of my sibs as far as I can tell.
I actually had someone ask me a few weeks ago if I was upset that my younger sister (in the first anecdote I shared) was having her second child before I even had my first. I said no, and I meant it. I said I have my timeline and she has hers. I should not have to speed up my timeline and she should not have to slow down hers to accommodate arbitrary timeline "rules."
"Are any of your younger sisters out, Miss Bennet?''
"Yes, Ma'am, all.''
"All! - What, all five out at once? Very odd! And you only the second. The younger ones out before the elder are married! Your younger sisters must be very young?''
"Yes, my youngest is not sixteen. Perhaps she is full young to be much in company. But really, Ma'am, I think it would be very hard upon younger sisters, that they should not have their share of society and amusement because the elder may not have the means or inclination to marry early. The last born has as good a right to the pleasures of youth, as the first. And to be kept back on such a motive! I think it would not be very likely to promote sisterly affection or delicacy of mind.''
What we want OP to say:
What she'll actually say:
My comments and thoughts are bolded above. OP, I am not asking you to answer every single question right now...but I do think you should consider these questions at some point. Right now, I think there you are jealous of your sister. The way you say she is always favored, or always better than you, are some good indications of this. I think you need to take some time and determine what exactly is making you unhappy.
Is it the fact that your BF hasn't proposed yet?
Is it the fact that you feel your "little" sister is stealing all your thunder?
Is it something else entirely?
None of those are death sentences, but rather a place to start. I think you need to do a little soul searching. Take some time to calm your mind and ask these questions. It will not only help you out, but will help with your relationships with everyone else. No one can communicate effectively when they don't know what is wrong in the first place.
Its also probably a good idea to remember now that no one will be excited about your wedding day as you and your FI, and that weddings won't change people. Good luck!
I just want to say I can understand why you're upset. In our 20's, my older sister told me I couldn't get married before she did. That didn't end up happening so she had nothing to worry about, but I get the sibling dynamic you're dealing with.
My best friend had been with her boyfriend for 9 years (during most of which she was pressured by family as to why they weren't married already) when her younger-by-4-years sister got engaged to someone she'd been with for 2 years. Then, her boyfriend proposed too. Rather than taking away from either sister, they got married 4 months apart. They were able to get discounts on vendors (i.e. DJ). All the family attended both weddings and celebrated them each in their own ways.
Please remember that her happiness does not take away from your own and every relationship is different.
By the way, you're only 28 and 1.5 years together isn't very long. I don't know where pressure to be married is coming from, but believe me, you have nothing to worry about. You're not an old maid.