SO question

drid · January 2017

Long story short, my step-cousin's boyfriend is a known drug dealer. I'm not talking maybe just some weed, he deals the hard stuff. Pleeeeease tell me this is somebody that I can exempt from the SO etiquette rule?

My youngest brother has substance abuse problems to put it lightly and I guess you could say we're currently in the midst of him hitting rock-bottom and forcing him to rehab. I've budgeted for everybody that is single right now to have an SO included, so it's not budgetary or me trying to keep the numbers down. The thought of having her boyfriend there just makes me extremely uncomfortable and worried for my brother and his struggles and ideally sobriety if we get to that point.

I would really appreciate some guidance. They weren't publicly together when I sent invites out (I wasn't aware she was dating anyone and we're not close), so I don't even know if she'll actually come or if she'll ask if he can come, but I would just really like to be prepared. Or maybe you guys can put me in my place and smarten me up.

Aaand it ended up being a long story... sorry!

LondonLisa · January 2017

drid said:

Long story short, my step-cousin's boyfriend is a known drug dealer. I'm not talking maybe just some weed, he deals the hard stuff. Pleeeeease tell me this is somebody that I can exempt from the SO etiquette rule?

My youngest brother has substance abuse problems to put it lightly and I guess you could say we're currently in the midst of him hitting rock-bottom and forcing him to rehab. I've budgeted for everybody that is single right now to have an SO included, so it's not budgetary or me trying to keep the numbers down. The thought of having her boyfriend there just makes me extremely uncomfortable and worried for my brother and his struggles and ideally sobriety if we get to that point.

I would really appreciate some guidance. They weren't publicly together when I sent invites out (I wasn't aware she was dating anyone and we're not close), so I don't even know if she'll actually come or if she'll ask if he can come, but I would just really like to be prepared. Or maybe you guys can put me in my place and smarten me up.

Aaand it ended up being a long story... sorry!

So this has multiple factors

1.) it's on the person coordinating the invites to figure out in someone has a SO, so not 'publicly together' isn't a thing.

2.) how do you know he is a drug dealer?

3.) do you really think this guy is going to sell drugs at your wedding?

4.) regardless of the cousin, maybe your brother needs could bring a sponsor/ sobriety coach to your wedding. Someone he can lean on, who understands the picture, and help him control himself. This should be someone he trusts (and who isn't a regular guest) that knows his treatment plans.

southernbelle0915 · January 2017

LondonLisa said:

drid said:

Long story short, my step-cousin's boyfriend is a known drug dealer. I'm not talking maybe just some weed, he deals the hard stuff. Pleeeeease tell me this is somebody that I can exempt from the SO etiquette rule?

My youngest brother has substance abuse problems to put it lightly and I guess you could say we're currently in the midst of him hitting rock-bottom and forcing him to rehab. I've budgeted for everybody that is single right now to have an SO included, so it's not budgetary or me trying to keep the numbers down. The thought of having her boyfriend there just makes me extremely uncomfortable and worried for my brother and his struggles and ideally sobriety if we get to that point.

I would really appreciate some guidance. They weren't publicly together when I sent invites out (I wasn't aware she was dating anyone and we're not close), so I don't even know if she'll actually come or if she'll ask if he can come, but I would just really like to be prepared. Or maybe you guys can put me in my place and smarten me up.

Aaand it ended up being a long story... sorry!

So this has multiple factors

1.) it's on the person coordinating the invites to figure out in someone has a SO, so not 'publicly together' isn't a thing.

2.) how do you know he is a drug dealer?

3.) do you really think this guy is going to sell drugs at your wedding?

4.) regardless of the cousin, maybe your brother needs could bring a sponsor/ sobriety coach to your wedding. Someone he can lean on, who understands the picture, and help him control himself. This should be someone he trusts (and who isn't a regular guest) that knows his treatment plans.

While I agree with you that the proper effort needs to be put in to finding out if someone has an SO, I don't know that I agree with the bolded. I've been in "just dating" type of relationships where, if asked, I would say I was technically single. When we were ready to be exclusive/official, we'd come out publicly (to our friends/family - facebook wasn't a thing) as such.

climbingsingle · January 2017

I'm also curious how you know he's a "known drug dealer". It sounds like they haven't been together very long.

drid · January 2017

LondonLisa said:

drid said:

Long story short, my step-cousin's boyfriend is a known drug dealer. I'm not talking maybe just some weed, he deals the hard stuff. Pleeeeease tell me this is somebody that I can exempt from the SO etiquette rule?

My youngest brother has substance abuse problems to put it lightly and I guess you could say we're currently in the midst of him hitting rock-bottom and forcing him to rehab. I've budgeted for everybody that is single right now to have an SO included, so it's not budgetary or me trying to keep the numbers down. The thought of having her boyfriend there just makes me extremely uncomfortable and worried for my brother and his struggles and ideally sobriety if we get to that point.

I would really appreciate some guidance. They weren't publicly together when I sent invites out (I wasn't aware she was dating anyone and we're not close), so I don't even know if she'll actually come or if she'll ask if he can come, but I would just really like to be prepared. Or maybe you guys can put me in my place and smarten me up.

Aaand it ended up being a long story... sorry!

So this has multiple factors

1.) it's on the person coordinating the invites to figure out in someone has a SO, so not 'publicly together' isn't a thing.

2.) how do you know he is a drug dealer?

3.) do you really think this guy is going to sell drugs at your wedding?

4.) regardless of the cousin, maybe your brother needs could bring a sponsor/ sobriety coach to your wedding. Someone he can lean on, who understands the picture, and help him control himself. This should be someone he trusts (and who isn't a regular guest) that knows his treatment plans.

1) These days, "not publicly together" is a thing. Lots of people consider themselves single, while just "hanging out" with somebody and having a sexual relationship. I did make sure to ask my Aunt (her Mom) and my Step-Mom if she was seeing anybody.

2) We're from a pretty small town, everybody knows who the drug dealers are - and he's got prior distribution arrests.

3) Don't know, and I'd rather not chance it if I don't have to.

4) Appreciate this, thank you!

climbingsingle · January 2017

drid said:

LondonLisa said:

drid said:

Long story short, my step-cousin's boyfriend is a known drug dealer. I'm not talking maybe just some weed, he deals the hard stuff. Pleeeeease tell me this is somebody that I can exempt from the SO etiquette rule?

My youngest brother has substance abuse problems to put it lightly and I guess you could say we're currently in the midst of him hitting rock-bottom and forcing him to rehab. I've budgeted for everybody that is single right now to have an SO included, so it's not budgetary or me trying to keep the numbers down. The thought of having her boyfriend there just makes me extremely uncomfortable and worried for my brother and his struggles and ideally sobriety if we get to that point.

I would really appreciate some guidance. They weren't publicly together when I sent invites out (I wasn't aware she was dating anyone and we're not close), so I don't even know if she'll actually come or if she'll ask if he can come, but I would just really like to be prepared. Or maybe you guys can put me in my place and smarten me up.

Aaand it ended up being a long story... sorry!

So this has multiple factors

1.) it's on the person coordinating the invites to figure out in someone has a SO, so not 'publicly together' isn't a thing.

2.) how do you know he is a drug dealer?

3.) do you really think this guy is going to sell drugs at your wedding?

4.) regardless of the cousin, maybe your brother needs could bring a sponsor/ sobriety coach to your wedding. Someone he can lean on, who understands the picture, and help him control himself. This should be someone he trusts (and who isn't a regular guest) that knows his treatment plans.

1) These days, "not publicly together" is a thing. Lots of people consider themselves single, while just "hanging out" with somebody and having a sexual relationship. I did make sure to ask my Aunt (her Mom) and my Step-Mom if she was seeing anybody.

2) We're from a pretty small town, everybody knows who the drug dealers are - and he's got prior distribution arrests.

3) Don't know, and I'd rather not chance it if I don't have to.

4) Appreciate this, thank you!

Someone having prior arrests for distribution is not a reason to not invite them. I also highly doubt this person is planning on selling drugs at your wedding.

Keisha84 · January 2017

OP I can understand your fear. I don't think you are worried he will sell drugs to your brother at the wedding. I think you are more worried about him maybe soliciting your brother for future transactions.

If etiquette requires he comes, try to limit the interaction they will have. But there could be s high possibility that your cousins new boyfriend has been/is his dealer already.

flantastic · January 2017

Could you not invite the step-cousin?

drid · January 2017

climbingwife said:

drid said:

LondonLisa said:

drid said:

Long story short, my step-cousin's boyfriend is a known drug dealer. I'm not talking maybe just some weed, he deals the hard stuff. Pleeeeease tell me this is somebody that I can exempt from the SO etiquette rule?

My youngest brother has substance abuse problems to put it lightly and I guess you could say we're currently in the midst of him hitting rock-bottom and forcing him to rehab. I've budgeted for everybody that is single right now to have an SO included, so it's not budgetary or me trying to keep the numbers down. The thought of having her boyfriend there just makes me extremely uncomfortable and worried for my brother and his struggles and ideally sobriety if we get to that point.

I would really appreciate some guidance. They weren't publicly together when I sent invites out (I wasn't aware she was dating anyone and we're not close), so I don't even know if she'll actually come or if she'll ask if he can come, but I would just really like to be prepared. Or maybe you guys can put me in my place and smarten me up.

Aaand it ended up being a long story... sorry!

So this has multiple factors

1.) it's on the person coordinating the invites to figure out in someone has a SO, so not 'publicly together' isn't a thing.

2.) how do you know he is a drug dealer?

3.) do you really think this guy is going to sell drugs at your wedding?

4.) regardless of the cousin, maybe your brother needs could bring a sponsor/ sobriety coach to your wedding. Someone he can lean on, who understands the picture, and help him control himself. This should be someone he trusts (and who isn't a regular guest) that knows his treatment plans.

1) These days, "not publicly together" is a thing. Lots of people consider themselves single, while just "hanging out" with somebody and having a sexual relationship. I did make sure to ask my Aunt (her Mom) and my Step-Mom if she was seeing anybody.

2) We're from a pretty small town, everybody knows who the drug dealers are - and he's got prior distribution arrests.

3) Don't know, and I'd rather not chance it if I don't have to.

4) Appreciate this, thank you!

Someone having prior arrests for distribution is not a reason to not invite them. I also highly doubt this person is planning on selling drugs at your wedding.

Mentioning the prior arrests was in regards to the "how do you know he's a dealer" question. I don't care that he's been arrested, I care that he's a drug dealer.

lnixon8 · January 2017

You have to invite him. On the very very slim chance he does try and sell drugs at your wedding it will only look bad on him, not you.

MairePoppy · January 2017

I know how difficult it is for family members to watch a loved one struggle with addiction. I hope your brother reaches his bottom soon and starts recovery. Of course, you can't protect him from himself, but I understand that you don't want to expose him to unnecessary and known temptation.

I'll support you not inviting your step-cousin's drug dealing boyfriend. There are consequences for the life style he, and your cousin, have chosen and one of them is that he may not be welcome at family or social events. If he had a history of theft, many of us would say that's good enough reason not to put your other guests at risk. I'm not even going to pretend to find an etiquette loophole. Sometimes, you just have to trust your gut. I hope if cousin asks, you will be honest with her.

drid · January 2017

lnixon8 said:

You have to invite him. On the very very slim chance he does try and sell drugs at your wedding it will only look bad on him, not you.

Yeah, I figured... I was hoping there would be a way around it, but I'll extend the invitation. I don't want to be the asshole in the situation.

At the end of the day, my little bro is a grown-up, so I guess it's up to him to manage his shit - and not my problem to be worrying about.

drid · January 2017

Thanks for that @MairePoppy! I really appreciate the kind words!

thisismynickname2 · January 2017

scribe95 said:

Honestly, I think criminal activity trumps etiquette on this one. I would not invite him. I'm a little surprised so many people think it's a must.

Yeah I'm in this camp too. Let's not forget selling drugs is illegal. Could you imagine if he started soliciting for new customers at your wedding? I'd be an etiquette asshole and exclude him. The consequence of being with unsavory people is sometimes unsavory people are not wanted at major events.

flantastic · January 2017

MairePoppy said:

I know how difficult it is for family members to watch a loved one struggle with addiction. I hope your brother reaches his bottom soon and starts recovery. Of course, you can't protect him from himself, but I understand that you don't want to expose him to unnecessary and known temptation.

I'll support you not inviting your step-cousin's drug dealing boyfriend. There are consequences for the life style he, and your cousin, have chosen and one of them is that he may not be welcome at family or social events. If he had a history of theft, many of us would say that's good enough reason not to put your other guests at risk. I'm not even going to pretend to find an etiquette loophole. Sometimes, you just have to trust your gut. I hope if cousin asks, you will be honest with her.

Yes, but don't we often say that the consequence for dating someone who isn't great is that you don't get invited either? I think she's well within her rights not to invite him, as long as she also doesn't invite the cousin. Then if cousin asks, she can say that.

ETA: I guess if cousin isn't really acknowledging him as a BF, just OP happens to know they're dating, the option is there to invite one and not the other, although cousin may still have questions.

TheMostHappy15 · January 2017

Stuck in a box.

Yeah, I guess technically it's against etiquette but count me as one who would be ignoring etiquette on this one. I doubt this guy will actively be dealing drugs at your wedding, but I think criminal activity is a valid reason to not want someone in your life. Anyone who side-eyes you prioritizing disassociating yourself with someone like that over following the letter of etiquette rules perfectly is someone who is a little too wrapped up in their own etiquette self-righteousness lol, and I wouldn't be bothered by incurring their judgment in your shoes. Since you aren't close to your cousin I might just skip inviting her in general, but I also think it's understandable not to want to cut her off from her family in a situation like this.

mrose88 · January 2017

I'm on the "don't invite him" side. Not having someone who could potentially sell drugs (do people really think that just because it's the wedding of someone he isn't close to, he would cease all shady activity?) and/or make it more difficult for my own brother to be present and healthy at my wedding would 100% trump etiquette.

LondonLisa · January 2017

drid said:

LondonLisa said:

drid said:

Long story short, my step-cousin's boyfriend is a known drug dealer. I'm not talking maybe just some weed, he deals the hard stuff. Pleeeeease tell me this is somebody that I can exempt from the SO etiquette rule?

My youngest brother has substance abuse problems to put it lightly and I guess you could say we're currently in the midst of him hitting rock-bottom and forcing him to rehab. I've budgeted for everybody that is single right now to have an SO included, so it's not budgetary or me trying to keep the numbers down. The thought of having her boyfriend there just makes me extremely uncomfortable and worried for my brother and his struggles and ideally sobriety if we get to that point.

I would really appreciate some guidance. They weren't publicly together when I sent invites out (I wasn't aware she was dating anyone and we're not close), so I don't even know if she'll actually come or if she'll ask if he can come, but I would just really like to be prepared. Or maybe you guys can put me in my place and smarten me up.

Aaand it ended up being a long story... sorry!

So this has multiple factors

1.) it's on the person coordinating the invites to figure out in someone has a SO, so not 'publicly together' isn't a thing.

2.) how do you know he is a drug dealer?

3.) do you really think this guy is going to sell drugs at your wedding?

4.) regardless of the cousin, maybe your brother needs could bring a sponsor/ sobriety coach to your wedding. Someone he can lean on, who understands the picture, and help him control himself. This should be someone he trusts (and who isn't a regular guest) that knows his treatment plans.

1) These days, "not publicly together" is a thing. Lots of people consider themselves single, while just "hanging out" with somebody and having a sexual relationship. I did make sure to ask my Aunt (her Mom) and my Step-Mom if she was seeing anybody.

2) We're from a pretty small town, everybody knows who the drug dealers are - and he's got prior distribution arrests.

3) Don't know, and I'd rather not chance it if I don't have to.

4) Appreciate this, thank you!

I meant, it is on you as the invitation coordinator to check if someone has an SO. Yes, you did ask her mom, but if you aren't sure, maybe ask them directly. I know lots of couples that in the early days considered themselves in a relationship, but don't have it on facebook or haven't told their parents yet- so maybe not 'public' in your book. But just because they haven't made a couple announcement doesn't mean that it isn't valid. Mistakes happen, of course, but just because you weren't aware of it doesn't mean you can use this as an excuse that their relationship didn't exist.

But that being said, if you are intent on not having this person there, and you don't care about the relationship with the cousin, you can say no to having this person there. Its not technically ettiquite ok and just because you can doesn't mean you should. But it seems like you would have not invited the step cousin had you known about this guy.

This step cousin hasn't asked, and if you have already sent out invites, I assume your wedding is really soon- I doubt it will come up. I wouldn't stress about this situation and would just let sleeping dogs lie.

climbingsingle · January 2017

Drug dealers are usually not into calling attention to themselves, especially to strangers at a wedding. Do you really think he's just going to start approaching people asking if they want drugs? This doesn't happen - we're not living in an after school special in 1987.

Jen4948 · January 2017

scribe95 said:

Honestly, I think criminal activity trumps etiquette on this one. I would not invite him. I'm a little surprised so many people think it's a must.

I agree. If he's invited and he deals drugs at the wedding, you could get the venue owners into trouble -- and that could backfire on you.

But if you have to invite him, get security and notify them that this guy is potential trouble.

Keisha84 · January 2017

climbingwife said:

Drug dealers are usually not into calling attention to themselves, especially to strangers at a wedding. Do you really think he's just going to start approaching people asking if they want drugs? This doesn't happen - we're not living in an after school special in 1987.

That's not necessarily true. He might feel a party atmosphere such as a wedding would be the perfect opportunity to solicit customers. Or he might come eat, dance and leave. I wouldn't take the chance and wouldn't invite him.

charlotte989875 · January 2017

Is not inviting the step-cousin not really a possibility? If they are together (however they define that) they should be invited together. However, as @flantastic said above, choosing to be in a relationship with drug dealers may get you uninvited from events you otherwise would be welcome to attend. Choices have consequences.

That being said, if they don't actually consider themselves together, its fine to leave him off the invite. Many people have relationships with other people but don't actually consider themselves to be in a relationship with that person.

On the venue/security/legal concerns? I think some of this is getting blow a little out of proportion. Do you really think someone who has been dealing drugs for years is just going to up and try to attract customers at a family wedding? That's not how any of this works.

southernbelle0915 · January 2017

I'm in camp "don't need to invite". They weren't official when invitations went out. So as long as OP's not sending invitations months in advance, I don't think it's an issue regardless of drug dealer status. Even if step-cousin asks to bring him, I think OP is perfectly within etiquette to say, "I'm sorry, it sounds like you weren't together when we sent invitations and we are unable to accommodate extra guests." Leave the drug dealer/addition recovery drama out of it.

thisismynickname2 · January 2017

On the venue/security/legal concerns? I think some of this is getting blow a little out of proportion. Do you really think someone who has been dealing drugs for years is just going to up and try to attract customers at a family wedding? That's not how any of this works.

I'm giggling a bit at this, because, yeah. Someone could. DH's crowd of friends has this infamous story from when they were at a destination wedding in Jamaica. The bellhop was the "Anything Man." Because he told everyone, "If you need anything-- an-y-thing, you call me. Who do you call if you need an-y-thing? Me."
Guess what "an-y-thing" meant and yeah, one guy did take him up on the offer to find him "an-y-thing."

climbingsingle · January 2017

thisismynickname said:

On the venue/security/legal concerns? I think some of this is getting blow a little out of proportion. Do you really think someone who has been dealing drugs for years is just going to up and try to attract customers at a family wedding? That's not how any of this works.

I'm giggling a bit at this, because, yeah. Someone could. DH's crowd of friends has this infamous story from when they were at a destination wedding in Jamaica. The bellhop was the "Anything Man." Because he told everyone, "If you need anything-- an-y-thing, you call me. Who do you call if you need an-y-thing? Me."
Guess what "an-y-thing" meant and yeah, one guy did take him up on the offer to find him "an-y-thing."

Ok, that is not even close to the same situation at all. A bellhop at a resort, and a boyfriend of a wedding guest? Please.

cowgirl8238 · January 2017

I'm in camp no BF. I'm sorry but I wouldn't want someone who has been known to deal drugs around my Brother if he was in the process of dealing with a drug addiction problem. While I doubt the guy would go in there with a neon sign around his neck flashing "I sell drugs", I wouldn't want the added stress of "what ifs" if this BF did decide to solicit people (or use) during the reception.

thisismynickname2 · January 2017

climbingwife said:

thisismynickname said:

On the venue/security/legal concerns? I think some of this is getting blow a little out of proportion. Do you really think someone who has been dealing drugs for years is just going to up and try to attract customers at a family wedding? That's not how any of this works.

I'm giggling a bit at this, because, yeah. Someone could. DH's crowd of friends has this infamous story from when they were at a destination wedding in Jamaica. The bellhop was the "Anything Man." Because he told everyone, "If you need anything-- an-y-thing, you call me. Who do you call if you need an-y-thing? Me."
Guess what "an-y-thing" meant and yeah, one guy did take him up on the offer to find him "an-y-thing."

Ok, that is not even close to the same situation at all. A bellhop at a resort, and a boyfriend of a wedding guest? Please.

Sigh. My point, besides telling a story that I find funny about being offered drugs, is that people might deal drugs at a wedding. If OP doesn't want a drug dealer at her wedding I think she can take the etiquette bullet and not invite him.

Excuuuse me for never buying illegal drugs and thus not knowing how one goes about getting illegal drugs. Fuck, I'm in Chicago and could probably go to a few choice neighborhoods and figure it out, but I don't. I feel like there's an undercurrent here on this thread of those of us who know drug dealers and those who don't, and maybe that's bleeding into a general etiquette discussion.

short+sassy · January 2017

cowgirl8238 said:

I'm in camp no BF. I'm sorry but I wouldn't want someone who has been known to deal drugs around my Brother if he was in the process of dealing with a drug addiction problem. While I doubt the guy would go in there with a neon sign around his neck flashing "I sell drugs", I wouldn't want the added stress of "what ifs" if this BF did decide to solicit people (or use) during the reception.

Not only that, but the OP describes the area as a small town. Maybe step-cousin's b/f is on his best behavior, and it's the OP's brother who seeks HIM out.

Admittedly, I don't have much experience or knowledge about addicts, but the brother just seeing someone he knows he can get a fix from (either at that moment or in the future) might be enough temptation to go make a contact.

charlotte989875 · January 2017

thisismynickname said:

On the venue/security/legal concerns? I think some of this is getting blow a little out of proportion. Do you really think someone who has been dealing drugs for years is just going to up and try to attract customers at a family wedding? That's not how any of this works.

I'm giggling a bit at this, because, yeah. Someone could. DH's crowd of friends has this infamous story from when they were at a destination wedding in Jamaica. The bellhop was the "Anything Man." Because he told everyone, "If you need anything-- an-y-thing, you call me. Who do you call if you need an-y-thing? Me."
Guess what "an-y-thing" meant and yeah, one guy did take him up on the offer to find him "an-y-thing."

Okay, sure, some could do this. But drug dealers (and granted I am not one, nor I do I know a ton) are often 1) in the business of selling, but also 2) not getting caught and arrested. What's the likelihood option 2 happening if you're randomly seeking out strangers at a family wedding? I mean come on.

So many of these posts (not just yours thisismynickname) seem to assume that people who deal drugs are idiots and just walking up to random people at a wedding reception offering to sell them drugs, and as such are willing to risk someone calling security/the police and subsequent arrests/legal problems, all for the possibility of a minor sale.

I'm not trying to stick up for drug dealers, but maybe just a little bit of common sense about what someone is realistically likely to do at a wedding.

If OP doesn't want to invite him and is fine with a seemingly minor (and clearly contested) etiquette faux-pas, great. But the lack of logic here is killing me.

kimmiinthemitten · January 2017

drid said:

lnixon8 said:

You have to invite him. On the very very slim chance he does try and sell drugs at your wedding it will only look bad on him, not you.

Yeah, I figured... I was hoping there would be a way around it, but I'll extend the invitation. I don't want to be the asshole in the situation.

At the end of the day, my little bro is a grown-up, so I guess it's up to him to manage his shit - and not my problem to be worrying about.

I see both sides of the etiquette argument, but lean on the invite them side.

My questions/thoughts are more from the POV of a sister of a drug addict. Do you not want cousin's BF there because he's a "drug dealer," or because you're trying to insulate your brother from the situation?

If it's the first, I have bad news for you. Many, many drug users also sell drugs to help finance their fix, addicts and casual users. If your hang up is on the action itself, you may find yourself disappointed and quite frankly surprised by the number of "drug dealers" you know. Also, your brother isn't sick because a dealer made him that way. The addict and the dealer are two hands that feed each other.

If it's the second, I have more bad news for you, your brother can't and won't hit his rock bottom and seek help if he's still being protected. I know you love him and think you're helping him, but you're not. His recovery needs to be his, not yours. He needs to learn how to navigate a world where access is everywhere and the choice is his to not take advantage of it.

Please find a Nar-Anon meeting and learn more about what you can do for you.

SP29 · January 2017

I will support the "don't invite him camp". But I also think- don't invite your step-cousin. There are consequences to every action. If cousin decides to date a drug dealer with known criminal record history, she'll have to understand that it might mean she doesn't get invited places.

However.... You have already invited your cousin, so you can't rescind her invitation. She and bf were not dating at the time your invitations went out (yes, I understand the not publicly dating- there is a difference between someone you are having a casual sexual relationship with and your significant other), so technically you are not required to invite him.

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