Elopement Gift?

[Deleted User] · February 2017

My boyfriend (fiance?) are eloping in a couple of months, followed by a destination wedding and open house for our family and friends. Our immediate families will be at the elopement and my grandparents want to get us a traditional wedding gift for the occasion. We're not a traditional couple (as you can tell by our non-traditional wedding plans), so we're not really interested in fine China or silver. We're really not sure what to ask for. Cash is off the table, my grandparents want to give us something to have for the duration of our marriage. Any suggestions?

EDIT: Clarification: we are not registering for any of these events. My grandparents are insisting on buying us a gift and I was looking for suggestions. We own a home and have all the furniture and kitchen appliances we could ever need, and china is just not something we're interested in. To those confused about the structure of our wedding, our aim was not to fish for more gifts (again, we're not even registering) or to have "3 weddings". It's about including the most people while a, not spending tens of thousands of dollars, and b, having the wedding we want.

charlotte989875 · February 2017

Knottie6a9abe0f09f97cc8 said:

My boyfriend (fiance?) are eloping in a couple of months, followed by a destination wedding and open house for our family and friends. Our immediate families will be at the elopement and my grandparents want to get us a traditional wedding gift for the occasion. We're not a traditional couple (as you can tell by our non-traditional wedding plans), so we're not really interested in fine China or silver. We're really not sure what to ask for. Cash is off the table, my grandparents want to give us something to have for the duration of our marriage. Any suggestions?

Wait, you're getting married in a few months, then having a destination celebration, and an open house? Yah, you get one wedding day, not three. Do the people who are invited to the destination celebration know you'll already be married? If not you should tell them so they know what they are actually spending their money on.

But, to answer your actual question you can register for anything you want; upgrades of appliances, utensils, pots/pans that you have; sheets, towels, homegoods. I would avoid anything that is clearly only for one of you, but you can register for anything you want.

lnixon8 · February 2017

3 "weddings"? Please do not register as the only people at your actual wedding will be your immediate families (making it not really an elopement to begin with) and everyone else gets the consuation prize wedding and possibly flying out and using vacation money and time off work for your wedding.

As for the gifts you shouldn't really be asking for something, especially considering they're not invited to the real thing. Maybe have your parents mention a kitchen aid? gift card for a decent piece of furniture?

[Deleted User] · February 2017

I don't think I was clear enough. We're not "registering" for the elopement, in fact we probably won't register at all, but my grandparents are insisting on buying us something. In fact, nowhere in my original post did I use the word "register". This isn't about "3 weddings", it's about having as many people be involved as possible while still having the wedding we want. I don't feel I need to explain myself to you since the question wasn't about anything but what is stated- my grandparents are insisting on buying us a gift, we don't want china, what should we ask for? Simple as that. The judgement is unnecessary.

ahoywedding · February 2017

We can't tell you what you need, but "typical" wedding gifts are household items, maybe nicer versions than what you would buy yourselves. Older family members may want to give you a piece that would become a family heirloom (my childhood friend's parents were given a grandfather clock by his parents for their wedding). Only you can decide what you'd like to request as a gift, if you don't want something "traditional" like china. (Also, you may say you're not registering for anything, but registering is basically synonymous with "asking for."

BUT, since you posted about your wedding plans here, that does also make them part of the discussion. Your destination "wedding" will not be an actual wedding if you elope before then. If your guests know you're eloping and choose to witness your pretend ceremony, that's their decision. Please do not lie to your guests and let them believe they are witnessing the real event. An open house is fine, if the purpose is "hey family and friends, meet my new spouse!"

charlotte989875 · February 2017

Knottie6a9abe0f09f97cc8 said:

I don't think I was clear enough. We're not "registering" for the elopement, in fact we probably won't register at all, but my grandparents are insisting on buying us something. In fact, nowhere in my original post did I use the word "register". This isn't about "3 weddings", it's about having as many people be involved as possible while still having the wedding we want. I don't feel I need to explain myself to you since the question wasn't about anything but what is stated- my grandparents are insisting on buying us a gift, we don't want china, what should we ask for? Simple as that. The judgement is unnecessary.

Ask for whatever you want.

But for the rest of it, you mentioned it on the internet, people are going to comment on it all, and to a few of us it looks like you're potentially going to have some major etiquette issues that can potentially damage your relationships with your friends and family.

[Deleted User] · February 2017

I only mentioned the structure for clarity, not for judgement. Many people I know have had multiple weddings or wedding events to accommodate different parts of their families and extended friend groups, including my own cousin. To say "ask for whatever you want" or "I don't know" and then make judgments on the rest of my post seems counterproductive. I was looking for outside-the-box suggestions, something besides china or appliances that I may not have thought of as a possibility.

[Deleted User] · February 2017

We would never lie about not being married...to further clarify a moot point, we are planning to send out elopement announcement as soon as possible after the ceremony.

I never imagined such harsh judgment would come from a non-traditional wedding set up.

ahoywedding · February 2017

Knottie6a9abe0f09f97cc8 said:

I only mentioned the structure for clarity, not for judgement. Many people I know have had multiple weddings or wedding events to accommodate different parts of their families and extended friend groups, including my own cousin. To say "ask for whatever you want" or "I don't know" and then make judgments on the rest of my post seems counterproductive. I was looking for outside-the-box suggestions, something besides china or appliances that I may not have thought of as a possibility.

You can literally ask for ANYTHING YOU WANT as a gift. I just saw a gift registry at DOMINO'S for crying out loud. Ask your grandparents for a lifetime supply of crappy pizza.

Your grandparents are being very generous by offering a gift for a wedding they will not witness. Ask them if they have a budget or a set amount they were wanting to spend, then think of what you may want or need that fits that amount. Pick something a little more extravagant than you'd buy yourself. But again, no one here knows what you already have, what you use on a regular basis, or what you like.

[Deleted User] · February 2017

They will be there to witness the wedding. Maybe elopement was the wrong word, but it's a tiny ceremony that they will absolutely be a part of.

[Deleted User] · February 2017

And thanks for reminding me that my grandparents are generous. I didn't realize. /s

charlotte989875 · February 2017

It's[Deleted User] said:

I only mentioned the structure for clarity, not for judgement. Many people I know have had multiple weddings or wedding events to accommodate different parts of their families and extended friend groups, including my own cousin. To say "ask for whatever you want" or "I don't know" and then make judgments on the rest of my post seems counterproductive. I was looking for outside-the-box suggestions, something besides china or appliances that I may not have thought of as a possibility.

[Deleted User] said:

We would never lie about not being married...to further clarify a moot point, we are planning to send out elopement announcement as soon as possible after the ceremony.

I never imagined such harsh judgment would come from a non-traditional wedding set up.

It's incredibly hard to know what to tell you if we know nothing about your tastes.

Camping equipment, clothes steamer, deep fryer, sewing machine, meat slicer, hammock, juicer, patio furniture, car cover, dog house, tools, bad mitten set, board games, beach towels.

cowgirl8238 · February 2017

1. You posted about your plans so they are fair game in this discussion. I know that you said you don't plan on lying but I just don't understand why you want to risk hurting relationships with the people in your life. Why not skip the courthouse and have the ceremony at the destination? Then you can have everyone you want to invite there and cut out the consolation prize feeling you are creating. I guess you could still do an open house later for the friends that couldn't make it (without the wedding stuff) because everyone likes a party, but to come on here and throw a fit isn't very nice. We are only here to help you avoid alienating yourself from the people you love and care about.

2. I have no idea what you like or need...I would just give yourself a little time to think and discuss this with your FI. I never know what I want right away but give me some time and I will come up with something.

geebee908 · February 2017

Well, I didn't get here before she flounced, but if it's an heirloom-type gift she'd like to give then I'd suggest a nicely framed collage of family wedding photos going back however many generations she'd like.

CMGragain · February 2017

Aw, I missed this one. Anyway, if you have immediate family members (guests) at your wedding, it is not an elopement. It is a private ceremony. I would have told the OP to send out wedding announcements immediately after the ceremony. Gifts would not be expected at all, so no registry.

ernursej · February 2017

PPs have covered the 3 weddings.

Interesting gifts if grandparents are insisting on a boxed gift: a wonderful bottle of red to cellar and then open in 10-15 years, a painting, decoration for a holiday that will get used year after year, upgraded household items ...

mollybarker11 · February 2017

I can't understand why she listed out every single ~oh-so-non-traditional~ detail of her wedding plans when all she had to say was: "My grandparents want to give us a physical gift but we already have everything we need. Suggestions?" (And maybe reviewed all of other threads with that same topic.)

Even the title is confusing. They're having an intimate wedding, not an elopement, and the grandparents are attending it. So it's a completely regular normal "wedding gift". None of this was "for clarity" - special snowflakes need even their forum threads to be special.

SP29 · February 2017

mollybarker11 said:

I can't understand why she listed out every single ~oh-so-non-traditional~ detail of her wedding plans when all she had to say was: "My grandparents want to give us a physical gift but we already have everything we need. Suggestions?" (And maybe reviewed all of other threads with that same topic.)

Even the title is confusing. They're having an intimate wedding, not an elopement, and the grandparents are attending it. So it's a completely regular normal "wedding gift". None of this was "for clarity" - special snowflakes need even their forum threads to be special.

Right?!?!?

All she had to say was, "What gift could my grandparents possibly get us for our wedding? They want to get us something of an heirloom piece and we have no idea!".

When people have face to face conversations, they don't usually bring up all these extra facts unless they wish to talk about them, so why is an internet forum any different? And it's more obvious because the written words never go away, they can be read and re-read.

If anyone else is lurking for ideas.... I think good quality cookware/bakeware is a great investment. I'm thinking something like a Le Creust french oven. Expensive, but it should last forever. Or wall art. Or a piece of furniture. Depending on budget of course, but if someone really wants to get you something that will last "forever" (my friend now has her DH's great Aunt's couch and accent chairs and her DH's grandmother's dinning table and chairs).

flantastic · February 2017

I still can't even figure out what her plans were. She obviously didn't know what the term "elopement" meant, since supposedly her grandparents would be there. So what is the destination "wedding" even supposed to entail? And how would hosting that and the open house prevent them from spending tens of thousands of dollars? So many things don't add up. I don't know if it's just due to a gap in terminology or if these plans are next-level rude (i.e. nothing's really hosted, and therefore cheap for them).

mollybarker11 · February 2017

flantastic said:

I still can't even figure out what her plans were. She obviously didn't know what the term "elopement" meant, since supposedly her grandparents would be there. So what is the destination "wedding" even supposed to entail? And how would hosting that and the open house prevent them from spending tens of thousands of dollars? So many things don't add up. I don't know if it's just due to a gap in terminology or if these plans are next-level rude (i.e. nothing's really hosted, and therefore cheap for them).

My GUESS is that the destination "wedding" factors into the "having the wedding we want" portion, perhaps it's in a more scenic part of the world that has suuuper pesky paperwork. And the open house factors into the "not spending tens of thousands of dollars" portion, because it's a less expensive AHR option than a dinner&dance.

Of course the fact that they're "eloping" (getting married in an intimate ceremony) beforehand means they're not really having the wedding they want and are spending extra money to do so. Nothing makes sense.

southernbelle0915 · February 2017

My love when Knottie#s posts something really awful and then says "I don't think I was clear enough".... yes, yes you were. That's kind of the point.

If you're still lurking Knottie#s, ask for a big fat check. May as well go all-in on the rudeness.

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