LEGAL MARRIAGE- Do it in the US

[Deleted User] · March 2017

I'm not saying the legal ceremony doesn't matter- I will be legally married, and have a meaningful ceremony with my family and friends. If your people find that rude and disrespectful, then that's who you surround yourself with. My family is happy and grateful and excited to join me in Mexico for what you all deem will be my sham of a wedding. I acknowledge the validity of how you feel towards your guests, families, and special days. I'm asking that you be open-minded when people are specifically posting in a DW forum. If you're against it, don't post- what's helpful or "treating people well" about trying to convince them it's wrong or horrible or selfish to do what they want to do with their wedding day?

levioosa · March 2017

jlshires said:

I'm not saying the legal ceremony doesn't matter- I will be legally married, and have a meaningful ceremony with my family and friends. If your people find that rude and disrespectful, then that's who you surround yourself with. My family is happy and grateful and excited to join me in Mexico for what you all deem will be my sham of a wedding. I acknowledge the validity of how you feel towards your guests, families, and special days. I'm asking that you be open-minded when people are specifically posting in a DW forum. If you're against it, don't post- what's helpful or "treating people well" about trying to convince them it's wrong or horrible or selfish to do what they want to do with their wedding day?

Your wedding day was the day you went to the court house. Full stop. Once you are legally married you are a wife, not a bride. If your family knows and they want to travel for a fake ceremony, that's on them. But lying to friends and family about marriage status and then expecting people to travel, take vacation time, and spend money is unspeakably rude. We're not against DW weddings. We are against fake ceremonies that lie to guests about true marriage status.

[Deleted User] · March 2017

Who said I was ever lying to my guests? And who deems you to say that the ceremony is fake? Graduation ceremonies aren't the day you get your diploma, nor are they the day you finish your test. My sister signed her marriage license the day after her wedding, does that mean that that wasn't her actual wedding? "Your wedding day was the day you went to the court house. Full stop." is your opinion- leave mine alone. Any ceremony where I proclaim my unending love for the most important person in my life, is still an important day- whether it be a vow renewal or whatever you want to call it, it doesn't make it any less significant.

flantastic · March 2017

jlshires said:

Who said I was ever lying to my guests? And who deems you to say that the ceremony is fake? Graduation ceremonies aren't the day you get your diploma, nor are they the day you finish your test. My sister signed her marriage license the day after her wedding, does that mean that that wasn't her actual wedding? "Your wedding day was the day you went to the court house. Full stop." is your opinion- leave mine alone. Any ceremony where I proclaim my unending love for the most important person in my life, is still an important day- whether it be a vow renewal or whatever you want to call it, it doesn't make it any less significant.

No one is saying you are lying to your guests. However, it really isn't open to interpretation when you get married. People here find that when couples are dismissive of the "paperwork," that's offensive to people who had to fight hard just for the privilege to get legally married. So you're married when you do it legally. That's really the important part, otherwise why bother getting the paperwork. If you want to argue that the only important bit is the beach wedding with the vows, skip the marriage license altogether. I will add that personally, the religious aspect of my marriage was the most important part, but my church recognizes that the legal part is crucial as well and won't let you have the religious ceremony unless that's the day the license is for. Other countries have laws about doing that differently, and that's fine. This is an American issue, and the OP is about the US.

Then people do not necessarily have a problem with you going off and having a ceremony elsewhere, as long as everyone knows and can make an informed decision. However, there's really nothing that's without pressure. If my brother chose to do a "symbolic" ceremony somewhere, I really would not be interested in spending $$$$ to go see something that is really just a pretty setup. However, would that go over well with my brother? Probably not, and then I've been put into the position of spend lots of money for nothing or harm my relationship with my entitled brother (entitled, because no one deserves more than the paperwork) and his FI.

flantastic · March 2017

So yes, it is selfish. It is putting a lot of pressure on your family and friends to do something super expensive and time consuming because you don't want to have "just" a courthouse, or even an American DW wedding.

People will willingly do it to witness the actual, legal milestone in your life, but they will only grudgingly do it for a symbolic commitment ceremony. People were happy to attend symbolic ceremonies for gay couples before gay marriage was legal, but when you have the option to have a legal wedding, that's what people care about.

flantastic · March 2017

jlshires said:

I'm not saying the legal ceremony doesn't matter- I will be legally married, and have a meaningful ceremony with my family and friends. If your people find that rude and disrespectful, then that's who you surround yourself with. My family is happy and grateful and excited to join me in Mexico for what you all deem will be my sham of a wedding. I acknowledge the validity of how you feel towards your guests, families, and special days. I'm asking that you be open-minded when people are specifically posting in a DW forum. If you're against it, don't post- what's helpful or "treating people well" about trying to convince them it's wrong or horrible or selfish to do what they want to do with their wedding day?

See, people who love you don't usually tell you to your face that they think your plans are silly and over the top. This may be true, but I doubt it. So many people come here saying that their friend/sister/etc. is doing this and they don't know how to say it's awful for them, so they pretend it isn't.

kimmiinthemitten · March 2017

I'm PPD-lite, if you're not lying and allowing your friends and family to make a fully informed decision to participate that's fine.

My sis had a PPD, I'm fairly sure most people knew, but I can't confirm that everyone did. At the time I was in "Your Day" Camp, but after coming here and listening to people who have been hurt by being lied to, or having a courthouse wedding being deemed not enough by the PPDers and taken into consideration the many, many people who had to fight for the right to stand in a courtroom I appreciated and respected that POV.

*I* don't have to hate PPD's to recognize that some people do, and some of those people may be people in my family or circle.

Jells2dot0 · March 2017

jlshires said:

I'm not saying the legal ceremony doesn't matter- I will be legally married, and have a meaningful ceremony with my family and friends. If your people find that rude and disrespectful, then that's who you surround yourself with. My family is happy and grateful and excited to join me in Mexico for what you all deem will be my sham of a wedding. I acknowledge the validity of how you feel towards your guests, families, and special days. I'm asking that you be open-minded when people are specifically posting in a DW forum. If you're against it, don't post- what's helpful or "treating people well" about trying to convince them it's wrong or horrible or selfish to do what they want to do with their wedding day?

So, not trying to be rude, but this post is WAAAAY old. We're all for having discussions on the boards, but bumping this old thread is only going to drudge up drama.

This is an open forum and anyone is welcome to post about anything and respond in any way as long as it does not violate the TOS. You cannot tell people to not share their opinions just because you don't agree with them.

When planning a DW, there are a lot of unique considerations. Having a legally binding ceremony when getting married abroad, as well as how it impacts your guests if you choose to have a symbolic ceremony, is a VERY valid topic to discuss here. There are many posts on here from people who declared their discontent with learning the ceremony they attended was not the actual wedding. People spend a lot of money on weddings assuming it's an actual wedding!

I'm also of the train of thought that as long as the guests know they are attending a symbolic ceremony, then it's up to them as to whether they want to attend. But, as a pp mentioned, a guest may be guilted into going even if they didn't want to attend! So, it's absolutely something a DW couple needs to keep in mind when planning in consideration of their guests. Do the research, be open and honest, and be understanding of those who may feel uncomfortable attending a symbolic event.

Jells2dot0 · March 2017

Just now saw another thread was bumped, so I'm closing this one out, as it is the older of the two zombies.

LEGAL MARRIAGE- Do it in the US

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