Maybe not getting married now? Help!

short+sassy · April 2017

I'm secretly hoping he tries to open the door with his keys after you change the locks. Nope! You're "old news", buddy.

bookmaiden17_ · April 2017

I am so sorry that you have to go though all of this. PP have given great advice. I would also suggest that if you are open to it, to get counseling for yourself. A way to help you process your emotions. It could also help in learning more about yourself as an adult. I have found in the past the talking with a counselor to be very beneficial.

burningdownthehouse · April 2017

I want to thank you all so much for your support. Even though we don't know each other, it has meant a great deal to me and you've all helped me see so much that I was missing or ignoring in my relationship.

Today was really hard. I took a personal day so I could change the locks and pack his things. I wanted to do the packing so nothing would go missing. I left a voicemail saying he needed to set up a time when I would be home to pick up his belongings, and he called back and went off on me. He said I was selfish, he knew I wouldn't support him during this difficult time in his life, and threw out a ton of insults about my looks (apparently I haven't been "hot" since I was 18), and a range of other things. The last thing he said was that he slept with someone over the weekend. I hung up on him after that. He's always been a bit self-centered and immature, but he's never been mean like this before. I'm just so shocked that after all this time he would treat me this way.

*Barbie* · April 2017

@knottied639ddab3f86902d - I'm sorry you're dealing with the former FI being a childish asshole. it sounds like the PP gave some great advice, and you're coping as best as can be expected.

if he gave you a ring, and you haven't given it back, i'm going to make the controversial suggestion of pawing (or returning for cash if possible) and taking a trip with your close friends or family members (or even alone) to "celebrate" new beginnings.

MesmrEwe · April 2017

knottied639ddab3f86902d said:

I want to thank you all so much for your support. Even though we don't know each other, it has meant a great deal to me and you've all helped me see so much that I was missing or ignoring in my relationship.

Today was really hard. I took a personal day so I could change the locks and pack his things. I wanted to do the packing so nothing would go missing. I left a voicemail saying he needed to set up a time when I would be home to pick up his belongings, and he called back and went off on me. He said I was selfish, he knew I wouldn't support him during this difficult time in his life, and threw out a ton of insults about my looks (apparently I haven't been "hot" since I was 18), and a range of other things. The last thing he said was that he slept with someone over the weekend. I hung up on him after that. He's always been a bit self-centered and immature, but he's never been mean like this before. I'm just so shocked that after all this time he would treat me this way.

Wow! Yea - you aren't going to support a immature cheating Momma's boy! He did a relationship ending move this weekend, not you! He has a pair to think YOU are suppose to support someone who cheats on you - yea, NO! You just saved yourself $100k by changing the locks! Insults are just his way of lashing out to get you to feel bad, and make himself feel better that you aren't going to settle nor reward that kind of behavior in a relationship (a GOOD thing!), and projecting the blame on you instead of himself. Do not let him live rent free in your head with those comments because "Hotness" to your SO should be determined by your personality, not youthful looks. He was in rut, not a relationship...

OurWildKingdom · April 2017

You deserve better, honey! As for him:

https://youtu.be/CI3FBpxxI0o

ETA: It's the "Cell Block Tango" from "Chicago." You know, "He had it coming. . ."

levioosa · April 2017

knottied639ddab3f86902d said:

I want to thank you all so much for your support. Even though we don't know each other, it has meant a great deal to me and you've all helped me see so much that I was missing or ignoring in my relationship.

Today was really hard. I took a personal day so I could change the locks and pack his things. I wanted to do the packing so nothing would go missing. I left a voicemail saying he needed to set up a time when I would be home to pick up his belongings, and he called back and went off on me. He said I was selfish, he knew I wouldn't support him during this difficult time in his life, and threw out a ton of insults about my looks (apparently I haven't been "hot" since I was 18), and a range of other things. The last thing he said was that he slept with someone over the weekend. I hung up on him after that. He's always been a bit self-centered and immature, but he's never been mean like this before. I'm just so shocked that after all this time he would treat me this way.

What. The. Fuck. I am so sorry, OP. That's beyond fucked up. The only silver lining in this shitty situation is now he's shown his true colors and you won't have any "what if's." He bailed on you. Then he wouldn't return your calls and he slept with someone else. What an asshole.

If you need any help with how to cancel the wedding let us know. And hugs to you.

CMGragain · April 2017

Congratulations! You just dodged a bullet! Whoa, you might have married this child! If you are at all religious, get down on your knees and thank God for saving you from a lifetime of misery!

I have this song from Chicago stuck in my brain:

Pop! Six! Squish! Uh uh, Cicero, Lipschitz!
Pop! Six! Squish! Uh uh, Cicero, Lipschitz!
Pop! Six! Squish! Uh uh, Cicero, Lipschitz!

He had it coming, he had it coming
He only had himself to blame
If you'd have been there, if you'd have seen it
I betcha you would have done the same

Darn you, @OurWildKingdom! I'm going to be humming that for DAYS!

missfrodo · April 2017

I don't know who to attribute this quote to, but: Good riddance of bad rubbish.
At this point, I wouldn't even have him arrange a time with you. Text him, "your things will be outside x day at y time," and leave it to him to come and get them. He is not being civil to you, and you don't deserve that. At this point, he's lucky his possessions haven't all 'accidentally' caught fire.

downtondiva · April 2017

The more I find out about this guy, the more relieved I am that you are no longer a couple. He's an immature, arrogant user and a total scumbag, and I'm glad he won't have the chance to marry you and treat you even worse than he already has (which I can almost guarantee you would've happened).

It will take time to heal from all this, but you will. And as much as things might hurt right now, you will have a much better life without some asshole treating you like his servant and giving you a hard time for not being "hot" anymore. Get every sign of him out of your life and don't look back.

kvruns · April 2017

Agree that you have dodged a bullet here. It sounds like he isn't mature enough to fight fair and he lashed out - don't take stock of anything he said or let it get in your head. The crap he is saying is about him, not you, don't let it bug you (easier said than done).

bleve0821 · April 2017

I am still having trouble getting past the whole he proposed marriage to you and then changed his mind in *gestures to all of this*. I mean, it's one thing to propose and then start to have doubts (it is a big decision), but to propose and then behave *gestures to all of this* is just mind-boggling to me. And I know there are seriously shitty people in the world, but it just speaks volumes to his character that he thinks it's okay to treat you like this. To lead you on with marriage, a direction he knew you wanted your relationship of 12 years to go, and then to do a complete 180, treat you like you're the villain, and even to go so far as to cheat? To accuse you of not being supportive of HIS feelings and in the same breath disparage you? When, in truth, he's the one who ended the relationship?

The only redeeming quality he could even possibly have is that his true colors came to light before you guys got married.

I can't even find the words to express my disgust for this man, and I am so glad that you're free of him. If I were you, I wouldn't return his belongings. Burn what's left, donate it, whatever. But the very last thing I would do is give him any further courtesy or civility, or let him come anywhere near you or your home.

Heffalump · April 2017

missfrodo said:

I don't know who to attribute this quote to, but: Good riddance of bad rubbish.
At this point, I wouldn't even have him arrange a time with you. Text him, "your things will be outside x day at y time," and leave it to him to come and get them. He is not being civil to you, and you don't deserve that. At this point, he's lucky his possessions haven't all 'accidentally' caught fire.

MNNEBride · April 2017

You did the right thing. Of course he would spin this that you are supportive during this "difficult time" in his life - asshole.

Please stick around and hang out with us. Some of us are old and married, some just got married, and some aren't married (yet or anymore).

DrillSergeantCat · April 2017

And change your username to something recognizable. I don't want you to get lost in all the other knottie#'s.

banana468 · April 2017

Whatever his deal is stay out of it. Tell him his stuff is on the front porch. Or even drive over and drop it off just so he has no reason to be at your house.

Based on his petulance, I also suggest an electronic doorbell so you know if he ever tries to make am unannounced return.

southernbelle0915 · April 2017

*Barbie* said:

@knottied639ddab3f86902d - I'm sorry you're dealing with the former FI being a childish asshole. it sounds like the PP gave some great advice, and you're coping as best as can be expected.

if he gave you a ring, and you haven't given it back, i'm going to make the controversial suggestion of pawing (or returning for cash if possible) and taking a trip with your close friends or family members (or even alone) to "celebrate" new beginnings.

This. Pawn and trip, definitely.

Don't buy his "you're not supporting me during a difficult time" bullshit. And what about YOUR difficult time? He's the one who broke off the engagement, which broke your heart. And he expects that you'll support HIM? So self-centered, selfish, and obliviously inconsiderate.

Do not pay an ounce of attention to his looks comment. It is very hurtful, but it doesn't say a thing about you - however it says worlds about him. And he's trying to hurt you by telling you he slept with someone. Again, it just says a lot about him that he'd try to rub that in your face.

climbingsingle · April 2017

Holy shit. That's quite an update. I'm really sorry. Again, bullet dodged. What a piece of crap.

Also, DO NOT PAWN THE RING (if he did in fact give you an engagement ring)! Technically, and legally, it needs to go back to him, unless you can prove it was given to you as a gift. If he gave it to you for your birthday, or for Christmas, legally you could keep it. If not, he can sue you for the return of the ring. So just give it back to him, and be done with all of this.

banana468 · April 2017

climbingwife said:

Holy shit. That's quite an update. I'm really sorry. Again, bullet dodged. What a piece of crap.

Also, DO NOT PAWN THE RING (if he did in fact give you an engagement ring)! Technically, and legally, it needs to go back to him, unless you can prove it was given to you as a gift. If he gave it to you for your birthday, or for Christmas, legally you could keep it. If not, he can sue you for the return of the ring. So just give it back to him, and be done with all of this.

This. As much as I'd want to sell it it's technically not the OP's to sell. Give it back and be done with him.

kvruns · April 2017

banana468 said:

climbingwife said:

Holy shit. That's quite an update. I'm really sorry. Again, bullet dodged. What a piece of crap.

Also, DO NOT PAWN THE RING (if he did in fact give you an engagement ring)! Technically, and legally, it needs to go back to him, unless you can prove it was given to you as a gift. If he gave it to you for your birthday, or for Christmas, legally you could keep it. If not, he can sue you for the return of the ring. So just give it back to him, and be done with all of this.

This. As much as I'd want to sell it it's technically not the OP's to sell. Give it back and be done with him.

This is interesting to me - what else would it be, if not a gift?

Lulawife · April 2017

kvruns said:

banana468 said:

climbingwife said:

Holy shit. That's quite an update. I'm really sorry. Again, bullet dodged. What a piece of crap.

Also, DO NOT PAWN THE RING (if he did in fact give you an engagement ring)! Technically, and legally, it needs to go back to him, unless you can prove it was given to you as a gift. If he gave it to you for your birthday, or for Christmas, legally you could keep it. If not, he can sue you for the return of the ring. So just give it back to him, and be done with all of this.

This. As much as I'd want to sell it it's technically not the OP's to sell. Give it back and be done with him.

This is interesting to me - what else would it be, if not a gift?

Laws differ state by state. When I called off my first engagement years ago due to him cheating, I was planning on giving the ring back no matter what but I did look up the state law out of curiosity. At least in my state, it's a gift with a promise attached to it (promise to marry) so if you don't fulfill the promise, you have to give back the gift.

ETA: OP, I am really sorry you are going through this and I know from experience, everything seems really dark right now but I promise it does get better. I was with the same guy throughout college and law school and one month after we got engaged I found out he had been cheating because he wanted to know what it was like to sleep with other people before he married me. He tried to guilt me in to staying with him and for a second I thought maybe I should since being with him was familiar and comfortable not to mention I was horribly embarrassed to have to call off an engagement a month after. But getting him out of my life was the best thing I could've done and now 7ish years later I am happily married to a man who treats me better than I ever thought possible. Things get much much better.

banana468 · April 2017

kvruns said:

banana468 said:

climbingwife said:

Holy shit. That's quite an update. I'm really sorry. Again, bullet dodged. What a piece of crap.

Also, DO NOT PAWN THE RING (if he did in fact give you an engagement ring)! Technically, and legally, it needs to go back to him, unless you can prove it was given to you as a gift. If he gave it to you for your birthday, or for Christmas, legally you could keep it. If not, he can sue you for the return of the ring. So just give it back to him, and be done with all of this.

This. As much as I'd want to sell it it's technically not the OP's to sell. Give it back and be done with him.

This is interesting to me - what else would it be, if not a gift?

It's a conditional gift. If the marriage doesn't take place then she must return it unless it was given as a gift for a gift giving occasion.

short+sassy · April 2017

kvruns said:

banana468 said:

climbingwife said:

Holy shit. That's quite an update. I'm really sorry. Again, bullet dodged. What a piece of crap.

Also, DO NOT PAWN THE RING (if he did in fact give you an engagement ring)! Technically, and legally, it needs to go back to him, unless you can prove it was given to you as a gift. If he gave it to you for your birthday, or for Christmas, legally you could keep it. If not, he can sue you for the return of the ring. So just give it back to him, and be done with all of this.

This. As much as I'd want to sell it it's technically not the OP's to sell. Give it back and be done with him.

This is interesting to me - what else would it be, if not a gift?

An engagement ring is a "gift given in contemplation of marriage". As in, it's a conditional gift. The condition being that the couple gets married. If a couple doesn't get married, no matter whose fault it is, the condition for the gift did not occur...so, legally, it is supposed to go back to the giver.

At least that is the "experience" I've gained from watching years of Judge Judy and People's Court, lol.

OP, I know it must be so extra hurtful that...on top of breaking your heart by breaking the engagement...he then "doubles down" by going off on you/insulting you/bragging about a one night stand (that I doubt happened).

It's confounding, but actually not surprising. A weird thing about human nature is, when we "wrong" someone, it isn't unusual to then become mad at the very person we know we hurt and were a d**k to (generic "we's"). It's an immature person's "twisted" way to be right with themselves and still be able to look in the mirror. By making up outlandish ways that you have "wronged him", he can now in his own mind take the attitude of, "well, she deserved it".

I hope at least understanding the "why" of what he did, as reprehensible as it was, helps you heal and not internalize his baseless comments.

*Barbie* · April 2017

banana468 said:

kvruns said:

banana468 said:

climbingwife said:

Holy shit. That's quite an update. I'm really sorry. Again, bullet dodged. What a piece of crap.

Also, DO NOT PAWN THE RING (if he did in fact give you an engagement ring)! Technically, and legally, it needs to go back to him, unless you can prove it was given to you as a gift. If he gave it to you for your birthday, or for Christmas, legally you could keep it. If not, he can sue you for the return of the ring. So just give it back to him, and be done with all of this.

This. As much as I'd want to sell it it's technically not the OP's to sell. Give it back and be done with him.

This is interesting to me - what else would it be, if not a gift?

It's a conditional gift. If the marriage doesn't take place then she must return it unless it was given as a gift for a gift giving occasion.

it's a conditional gift, except he chose to end the relationship and walk away through no fault of hers. the marriage is not happening because he blindsided her, ended the relationship, and moved out.

i wouldn't attempt to give the OP legal advice here - but you can pretty much sue anyone for any reason. she could easily file a countersuit for damages.

mrsconn23 · April 2017

banana468 said:

kvruns said:

banana468 said:

climbingwife said:

Holy shit. That's quite an update. I'm really sorry. Again, bullet dodged. What a piece of crap.

Also, DO NOT PAWN THE RING (if he did in fact give you an engagement ring)! Technically, and legally, it needs to go back to him, unless you can prove it was given to you as a gift. If he gave it to you for your birthday, or for Christmas, legally you could keep it. If not, he can sue you for the return of the ring. So just give it back to him, and be done with all of this.

This. As much as I'd want to sell it it's technically not the OP's to sell. Give it back and be done with him.

This is interesting to me - what else would it be, if not a gift?

It's a conditional gift. If the marriage doesn't take place then she must return it unless it was given as a gift for a gift giving occasion.

This is why any lawyer worth their salt will tell you not to give an e-ring as a Christmas, bday, Valentines day, etc gift.

climbingsingle · April 2017

*Barbie* said:

banana468 said:

kvruns said:

banana468 said:

climbingwife said:

Holy shit. That's quite an update. I'm really sorry. Again, bullet dodged. What a piece of crap.

Also, DO NOT PAWN THE RING (if he did in fact give you an engagement ring)! Technically, and legally, it needs to go back to him, unless you can prove it was given to you as a gift. If he gave it to you for your birthday, or for Christmas, legally you could keep it. If not, he can sue you for the return of the ring. So just give it back to him, and be done with all of this.

This. As much as I'd want to sell it it's technically not the OP's to sell. Give it back and be done with him.

This is interesting to me - what else would it be, if not a gift?

It's a conditional gift. If the marriage doesn't take place then she must return it unless it was given as a gift for a gift giving occasion.

it's a conditional gift, except he chose to end the relationship and walk away through no fault of hers. the marriage is not happening because he blindsided her, ended the relationship, and moved out.

i wouldn't attempt to give the OP legal advice here - but you can pretty much sue anyone for any reason. she could easily file a countersuit for damages.

It doesn't matter how or why the relationship ended. She'd still be responsible to return it to him. That's how the law works.

ETA: Of course laws vary by state, but most are pretty clear on this.

banana468 · April 2017

*Barbie* said:

banana468 said:

kvruns said:

banana468 said:

climbingwife said:

Holy shit. That's quite an update. I'm really sorry. Again, bullet dodged. What a piece of crap.

Also, DO NOT PAWN THE RING (if he did in fact give you an engagement ring)! Technically, and legally, it needs to go back to him, unless you can prove it was given to you as a gift. If he gave it to you for your birthday, or for Christmas, legally you could keep it. If not, he can sue you for the return of the ring. So just give it back to him, and be done with all of this.

This. As much as I'd want to sell it it's technically not the OP's to sell. Give it back and be done with him.

This is interesting to me - what else would it be, if not a gift?

It's a conditional gift. If the marriage doesn't take place then she must return it unless it was given as a gift for a gift giving occasion.

it's a conditional gift, except he chose to end the relationship and walk away through no fault of hers. the marriage is not happening because he blindsided her, ended the relationship, and moved out.

i wouldn't attempt to give the OP legal advice here - but you can pretty much sue anyone for any reason. she could easily file a countersuit for damages.

She can but is it worth it to hold onto a ring or to sell it and potentially have to pay for it?

Unless she made nonrefundable deposits or wedding related purchases I would personally give it back and be the bigger person.

Joney · April 2017

Ugh. My blood boiled just a little bit with that update.

This guy clearly has a lot of disdain and contempt for women. You make more than him, so he needs to put you in your place by making you care for his precious little self. You move on after he froze you out and had his mum break up with you, so he attacks the only thing he thinks make up a worthwhile woman: your hotness. You behaved in a way that was understanding, compassionate, and selfless - that's beauty. Then he follows up with his one night stand? Had he actually broken up with you when this happened? Because if not, then that's cheating in my book

No wonder his mum is embarrassed.

climbingsingle · April 2017

Also, by the way he's behaving, I wouldn't put it past him to take her to small claims court to get the ring back. And most likely he would win.

burningdownthehouse · April 2017

@climbingwife thanks for mentioning the ring! I looked into it and in NY it is considered conditional. I'd rather just be done with it anyway. I'm going to ask his mom to meet me to return it, so there won't be any dispute.

Most of our friends are mutual, so this break up is awkward for everyone. one of our friends offered to pick his things up at the front door while I'm at work and I'm going to take him up on that. I don't want to ruin any of it because I just want it gone. I don't want to see it again, I don't want to see ex-FIs face and I don't want to hear anymore insults, which I would if I didn't return it. Friend thinks the ex is trying to "white fang" me so I won't try to get him back and doubts he actually slept with anyone, but I don't care, I'm just done.

Maybe not getting married now? Help!

Re: Maybe not getting married now? Help!

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