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Maybe not getting married now? Help!

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Re: Maybe not getting married now? Help!

  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    knottied639ddab3f86902d said:
    @climbingwife thanks for mentioning the ring! I looked into it and in NY it is considered conditional. I'd rather just be done with it anyway. I'm going to ask his mom to meet me to return it, so there won't be any dispute. 

    Most of our friends are mutual, so this break up is awkward for everyone. one of our friends offered to pick his things up at the front door while I'm at work and I'm going to take him up on that. I don't want to ruin any of it because I just want it gone. I don't want to see it again, I don't want to see ex-FIs face and I don't want to hear anymore insults, which I would if I didn't return it. Friend thinks the ex is trying to "white fang" me so I won't try to get him back and doubts he actually slept with anyone, but I don't care, I'm just done. 
    Yup, in NY (I live here too), you'd absolutely have to give the ring back if the marriage did not take place. 

    Again, I'm really sorry. The ex I broke up with when I was 32, we had also gone to HS together. We didn't start dating until our late 20s, but a lot of friends were intermingled. I won't lie - it sucked. But it got better. 
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  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat member
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    knottied639ddab3f86902d said:
    @climbingwife thanks for mentioning the ring! I looked into it and in NY it is considered conditional. I'd rather just be done with it anyway. I'm going to ask his mom to meet me to return it, so there won't be any dispute. 

    Most of our friends are mutual, so this break up is awkward for everyone. one of our friends offered to pick his things up at the front door while I'm at work and I'm going to take him up on that. I don't want to ruin any of it because I just want it gone. I don't want to see it again, I don't want to see ex-FIs face and I don't want to hear anymore insults, which I would if I didn't return it. Friend thinks the ex is trying to "white fang" me so I won't try to get him back and doubts he actually slept with anyone, but I don't care, I'm just done. 
    I would definitely give the ring to mom and not friend. By front door, do you mean the porch? Or inside your home? I wouldn't let them inside if you're not there, but then again I'm pretty cynical.
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  • burningdownthehouseburningdownthehouse member
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    DrillSergeantCat said:
    knottied639ddab3f86902d said:
    @climbingwife thanks for mentioning the ring! I looked into it and in NY it is considered conditional. I'd rather just be done with it anyway. I'm going to ask his mom to meet me to return it, so there won't be any dispute. 

    Most of our friends are mutual, so this break up is awkward for everyone. one of our friends offered to pick his things up at the front door while I'm at work and I'm going to take him up on that. I don't want to ruin any of it because I just want it gone. I don't want to see it again, I don't want to see ex-FIs face and I don't want to hear anymore insults, which I would if I didn't return it. Friend thinks the ex is trying to "white fang" me so I won't try to get him back and doubts he actually slept with anyone, but I don't care, I'm just done. 
    I would definitely give the ring to mom and not friend. By front door, do you mean the porch? Or inside your home? I wouldn't let them inside if you're not there, but then again I'm pretty cynical.
    I mean on the porch. The house is on lockdown and right now only I have keys. My brother is coming by at some point this week and I'll give him a copy in case of an emergency. He knows we broke up, but doesn't know the details. It would not end well and I don't want to have to bail my brother out of jail lol. 
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    knottied639ddab3f86902d said:
    @climbingwife thanks for mentioning the ring! I looked into it and in NY it is considered conditional. I'd rather just be done with it anyway. I'm going to ask his mom to meet me to return it, so there won't be any dispute. 

    Most of our friends are mutual, so this break up is awkward for everyone. one of our friends offered to pick his things up at the front door while I'm at work and I'm going to take him up on that. I don't want to ruin any of it because I just want it gone. I don't want to see it again, I don't want to see ex-FIs face and I don't want to hear anymore insults, which I would if I didn't return it. Friend thinks the ex is trying to "white fang" me so I won't try to get him back and doubts he actually slept with anyone, but I don't care, I'm just done. 
    I'd return it in a garbage bag or something equally irreverent.  I can think of even worse ways to return it, ie garbage still in the bag, but I think keeping it classier and with a touch of subtlety is the better way to go.
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    banana468 said:
    When you give the ring to his mom I'd photograph the transfer of goods.   

    Based on the douchiness I wouldn't put it past him to try to get anything else out of you.  

    Also, not sure of the weather where you are but in addition to door locks, I'd double check that he can't enter through any unlocked windows.   

    FWIW, my parents got DH and me a RING doorbell for Christmas and now I think it's the coolest thing.   I can talk to anyone who rings my doorbell from my phone and I don't need to be in the house.   It also has a sensor to detect when people go near our door.   I've spotted my mail lady pretending to be Ace Ventura with my packages that way as well as noting if there is anyone suspicious around.     
    I have the Ring doorbell too, and I love it. 

    Also a good idea to take pictures of the ring to note that it's been returned in good condition. 
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  • burningdownthehouseburningdownthehouse member
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    banana468 said:
    Can I also say that if your ex told you that he slept with someone over the weekend IMO it only goes in one of two ways:
    1) He didn't actually sleep with anyone.
    2) He's been unfaithful to you before.

    Since you really can't trust a word he says, get yourself to a doctor please.    
    This makes me sick to think about. I truly don't believe he slept around while we were together, but I'll make an appointment.

    I'm going to look into that doorbell. I did change our alarm code, so in case he does somehow get in, he'll be met with an unpleasant surprise. 
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  • banana468banana468 member
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    knottied639ddab3f86902d said:
    banana468 said:
    Can I also say that if your ex told you that he slept with someone over the weekend IMO it only goes in one of two ways:
    1) He didn't actually sleep with anyone.
    2) He's been unfaithful to you before.

    Since you really can't trust a word he says, get yourself to a doctor please.    
    This makes me sick to think about. I truly don't believe he slept around while we were together, but I'll make an appointment.

    I'm going to look into that doorbell. I did change our alarm code, so in case he does somehow get in, he'll be met with an unpleasant surprise. 
    I was cheated on by an ex bf who slept with 3 of my friends.   It's an awful feeling but I didn't feel like I had closure until my doctor told me so.  
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  • burningdownthehouseburningdownthehouse member
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    banana468 said:
    knottied639ddab3f86902d said:
    banana468 said:
    Can I also say that if your ex told you that he slept with someone over the weekend IMO it only goes in one of two ways:
    1) He didn't actually sleep with anyone.
    2) He's been unfaithful to you before.

    Since you really can't trust a word he says, get yourself to a doctor please.    
    This makes me sick to think about. I truly don't believe he slept around while we were together, but I'll make an appointment.

    I'm going to look into that doorbell. I did change our alarm code, so in case he does somehow get in, he'll be met with an unpleasant surprise. 
    I was cheated on by an ex bf who slept with 3 of my friends.   It's an awful feeling but I didn't feel like I had closure until my doctor told me so.  
    That's horrible. I'm so sorry they did that to you! I don't understand what makes people treat others this way. 
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  • cowgirl8238cowgirl8238 member
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    Hey OP, I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you are dealing with this, and to second @Drillsergeantcat that you should change your username and stick around.  These forums are full of wonderful and supportive women (as you've seen)! 

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  • burningdownthehouseburningdownthehouse member
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    cowgirl8238 said:

    Hey OP, I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you are dealing with this, and to second @Drillsergeantcat that you should change your username and stick around.  These forums are full of wonderful and supportive women (as you've seen)! 

    I'm trying to change it, I save it, but for some reason it's not changing when I post!
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  • MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
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    knottied639ddab3f86902d said:
    I'm trying to change it, I save it, but for some reason it's not changing when I post!
    Sometimes it takes a bit to stick. Try saving then refreshing the page.
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
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    I feel like I have not much to add, but my older wiser self can tell you it sucks now and might for a while, but this will pass. I get the feeling from your posts you will come out the other side just fine and even better than before.

       






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • debbeaudebbeau member
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    I am so sorry you are going through this. I hope every day it gets a little easier.

    My ex of 16 years cheated on me for years and blamed me because I worked hard and became succcessful so he felt emasculated. Be happy, it is the best revenge.
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  • kaos16kaos16 member
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    *Barbie* said:
    banana468 said:
    kvruns said:
    banana468 said:
    climbingwife said:
    Holy shit. That's quite an update. I'm really sorry. Again, bullet dodged. What a piece of crap. 

    Also, DO NOT PAWN THE RING (if he did in fact give you an engagement ring)! Technically, and legally, it needs to go back to him, unless you can prove it was given to you as a gift. If he gave it to you for your birthday, or for Christmas, legally you could keep it. If not, he can sue you for the return of the ring. So just give it back to him, and be done with all of this. 
    This.    As much as I'd want to sell it it's technically not the OP's to sell.  Give it back and be done with him.   
    This is interesting to me - what else would it be, if not a gift? 
    It's a conditional gift. If the marriage doesn't take place then she must return it unless it was given as a gift for a gift giving occasion.
    it's a conditional gift, except he chose to end the relationship and walk away through no fault of hers. the marriage is not happening because he blindsided her, ended the relationship, and moved out. 

    i wouldn't attempt to give the OP legal advice here - but you can pretty much sue anyone for any reason. she could easily file a countersuit for damages. 


    Please don't give bad legal advice, especially if you aren't a lawyer.

    frivolous lawsuits are a thing, and a burden on everyone. 

    signed- A lawyer

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  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
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    The friends thing will shake itself out and you'll be surprised at how quickly.  Most of my friends with ex-H tried to stay neutral...ex-H wasn't having any of that and the behavior he decided to engage in made a lot of people chose anyway.  I just tried to keep my mouth shut, handle things with grace and honesty, and keep moving forward.  There are some I miss, but if they wanted him over me, they're not worth it for me.
    �
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  • Ro041Ro041 member
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    kaos16 said: 


    Please don't give bad legal advice, especially if you aren't a lawyer.

    frivolous lawsuits are a thing, and a burden on everyone. 

    signed- A lawyer



    Cosigned - A Lawyer

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  • ernursejernursej member
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    I'm late to the party but I wanted to pass along that I'm sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you have a really good outlook on things and are being very thoughtful in how to progress.

    I would always vote to take the high road so return the ring to his Mom (documented in a text pic) and just hand it over in a small box.

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  • divarhddivarhd member
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    I'd pack the ring very well among his crap and tell him to go fish!  And take a page outta his book and tell his momma on him for being a cheating prick!  I'm so so sorry all this is happening to you girl.  Take a nice vacation with some girlfriends when you're feeling up to it.  Somewhere tropical with lots of alcohol.
    Met: 5/4/16
    Dating: 6/21/16
    Engaged: 3/20/17
    Wedding: 2/24/18
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  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat member
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    knottiee43aef3a5f1823c8 said:
    I'd pack the ring very well among his crap and tell him to go fish!  And take a page outta his book and tell his momma on him for being a cheating prick!  I'm so so sorry all this is happening to you girl.  Take a nice vacation with some girlfriends when you're feeling up to it.  Somewhere tropical with lots of alcohol.
    The whole reason we're all telling her to give it to his momma and document it, is so that he can't claim he didn't get it. 
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  • banana468banana468 member
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    DrillSergeantCat said:
    knottiee43aef3a5f1823c8 said:
    I'd pack the ring very well among his crap and tell him to go fish!  And take a page outta his book and tell his momma on him for being a cheating prick!  I'm so so sorry all this is happening to you girl.  Take a nice vacation with some girlfriends when you're feeling up to it.  Somewhere tropical with lots of alcohol.
    The whole reason we're all telling her to give it to his momma and document it, is so that he can't claim he didn't get it. 
    This.

    It's tempting to destroy his stuff.   However given his behavior, his need to be catered to and his desire to seem to want to destroy any good in the lives of the others, it makes absolutely no logical sense to handle the return in anything other than a perfectly normal business manner.   

    It allows the OP to be rid of him cleanly knowing there isn't something else that he can come after.    

    Revenge can be throwing a dead rodent in with his clothing.
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  • missfrodomissfrodo member
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    banana468 said:
    DrillSergeantCat said:
    knottiee43aef3a5f1823c8 said:
    I'd pack the ring very well among his crap and tell him to go fish!  And take a page outta his book and tell his momma on him for being a cheating prick!  I'm so so sorry all this is happening to you girl.  Take a nice vacation with some girlfriends when you're feeling up to it.  Somewhere tropical with lots of alcohol.
    The whole reason we're all telling her to give it to his momma and document it, is so that he can't claim he didn't get it. 
    This.

    It's tempting to destroy his stuff.   However given his behavior, his need to be catered to and his desire to seem to want to destroy any good in the lives of the others, it makes absolutely no logical sense to handle the return in anything other than a perfectly normal business manner.   

    It allows the OP to be rid of him cleanly knowing there isn't something else that he can come after.    

    Revenge can be throwing a dead rodent in with his clothing.
    "I have no idea how that got in there!  Maybe you have an odor problem and it was attracted to it.  Then the smell was so bad, it died."
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