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Wedding Etiquette Forum
mrsjapan
member
Planning Overseas for an At-Home Wedding
mrsjapan
member
My fiance and I currently live and work in Japan and we are attempting to plan a wedding for next spring (likely late April/early May). We can reasonably only go back home for a week around New Years and then 2 weeks for the wedding, so what's some advice to ease the planning? I don't want to push too much work on my parents and in-laws. We have a tight budget as well which doesn't entirely help. Any and all advice would be helpful! 
"I am disinclined to acquiesce to your request.... It means no." -Alistair, Dragon Age Origins
Re: Planning Overseas for an At-Home Wedding
Agree with the above recommendations. You could also look at hiring a wedding planner. Extra money but they could certainly be helpful with checking things out.
I agree that waiting until December before your April/May wedding is too late to book a venue and probably most of your vendors (at least if you are particular or really need to watch the budget), so I would try to do what you can online/over the phone to book your vendors. Contracts can be scanned then e-mailed or faxed.
If your family is available, they could look at some places/vendors for you and let you know what they think, but I think ultimately I'd still do the initial negotiations and contract yourselves.
Let everyone choose their own clothing and this is taken care of as well.
ETA-- You don't need to worry this stuff if you don't have the sham ceremony. You should not be asking anyone to spend their hard-earned money on clothes for your PPD.
So I had 4 BMs living in 3 different states. H had 4 GMs living in 3 different states. I just picked a brand, length and color and let them order whatever within that (there were 4 or 5 different dress types). H just had his GMs wear black suits, white shirts, black shoes and we bought them matching ties.
Neither the BMs or GMs went shopping together or to fittings. It really was never necessary.
As far as timing, depending on the brand, 4 months is plenty of time. Especially if you pick a dress that isn't a special order, typical BM dress.
If I were you, I'd look into getting my wedding dress in Asia. I don't know about Japan or nearby areas specifically. But I know in Hong Kong and South Korea, you could get a gorgeous custom made dress for a fraction of the cost of even an "off the rack" gown in the U.S.
For traveling with it, you could either ship it to your parent's house or shrink it way down in one of the "vacuum seal" bags and put it in your luggage or even carry-on. I got married OOT from where I live and that was EXACTLY how I carried my dress on the plane with me. Though, with either of those options, you'd probably have to have it pressed at a dry cleaners, once you are in the States.
You and your FI are not planning a wedding. You and your husband are planning a PPD with permission from your parents to lie to all friends and family.
The good news is that you no longer have to worry about unnecessary expenses. My advice would be to host an inexpensive celebration party.
I cannot believe you are using your Christian faith to justify you being a liar, cheater and a thief. You are literally lying to your vicar, family and closest friends. FOR. A.PARTY! That is the lowest of the low. Proverbs 13:5.
@levioosa BUT THE APPEARANCES!
Never mind lying to family and friends, defrauding governments, and cheating employers out of benefits, the NEIGHBOURS opinion of me having a private elopement is more important to me than being a total douchecanoe and causing irreparable damage to the people closest to me. But it's not my fault, my parents made me do it!
Mate, if you are worried about the appearances now, imagine the appearances when this all blows up and people find out you are already married. The truth ALWAYS comes out. There are thousands of stories on here about people being livid about finding out they attended a PPD. Being lied to because you want a party is a friendship ending move.
Wifemaids has officially replaced brideslaves as my favorite riff on "bridesmaids". Except that they would literally be wifemaids, since OP you're a wife not a bride. Isn't it silly and ridiculous when you think about it?!
A party to celebrate a marriage is absolutely acceptable and appropriate. A wedding ceremony, complete with bridal party, is not appropriate or necessary for a MARRIED couple. Although you will only be married a year or less, a vow renewal could be considered. However, that does not include any of the traditional wedding trappings, because, again, you are already married.
Please also be completely truthful. In other posts, you make it crystal clear that although you had told some, you PLANNED on deliberately not telling others. That alone should signal to you that there is something wrong with your plan if it begins with deceit.
Actually labels aren't your biggest concern here, so don't let that hang you up. Neither is religion.
Here's the thing you should be focused on:
You are planning a full on wedding ceremony. As a wife. Like, you are a married woman planning to play dress up and pretend to be a bride so your friends and family can witness a fake wedding ceremony. I know you want that because your wedding vision probably involved something like that and not city hall, but that's not where your actual life took you. Your actual life took you to Japan and you had to make a choice so that you could live your husband. Grow up and accept that. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but that's reality.
Cut the fake ceremony (still have the party) and you're back in good etiquette territory. This is not rocket science.
So, if instead I have a celebration with a vow renewal, it's all ok?
My daughter has attended quite a few PPDs. She tells me that so many people are rolling their eyes at the unnecessary expense and attention seeking the bride is indulging in. "You know, this is just a sham! They are already married!" sort of thing. Do you really want this, or can you just have a nice celebration party?
You want the wedding ceremony you didn't have and you're trying to call it something else to make it ok by etiquette standards. So IMO, it's not really a vow renewal.
Vow renewals are usually for milestone anniversaries, like 50, 25 years and sometimes people will do them after a major struggle or illness they overcome to show renewed commitment.
Plus vow renewals don't have attendants or anything and you're planning to have that.
You really just need to be honest with yourself, OP. You got married because reasons and that's your story. Any amount of pretending or "do over" ceremonies isn't going to change that. Just own it and celebrate with a party.
I kind of disagree; sure vow renewals are typically done at large/milestone anniversaries, but as long as a couple is upfront with it, I guess I don't see the problem. I attended a vow renewal for a couple's third anniversary; they had married when she joined the army, they had a private ceremony, and then renewed their vows with family and friends three years later. They owned their choice, there was no deception, and everyone knew what the deal was. It was great, well hosted.
Now if a couple (i.e. Seal and Heidi Klum) renew their vows every year, with the same guest list everyone, I might side eye that a bit. But I guess I just don't see the etiquette violation with renewing vows and hosting a party.
This OP, especially, has been clear that she "didn't have a wedding"/"only signed the papers" and wants to have one because she's always dreamed about walking down the aisle, so she's going to do a ceremony with all the trappings (including bridesmaids). That is the definition of a PPD/re-do/fake wedding. She even said she's going to have two wedding anniversaries, so yea. She's considering this a wedding. She's only now calling it a vow renewal because she seems to think it makes what she's doing ok. Is she lying? Well no, but she planned to originally before she came here (eyeroll).
So how would you feel about your mother throwing a party like this with your father? Where your mother dressed up in a bridal gown and veil, had your grandfather walk her down the aisle. Your aunts all in matching dresses. Fairly ridiculous, no? I would be wondering why she felt a need to play pretend when she had been married for so many years. However, if your mum wanted to throw a party, wear a great dress and have a small vow renewal (which takes the form of 2 short speeches at the party venue without an aisle/bridesmaids etc) before a party, that would be fine. The latter is a vow renewal. The former is fairly pathetic.
Vow renewals don't have ay attendants, officiants, bridal gowns, hen parties, walking down the aisle with your father etc. Vow renewals are usually more subdued, private affairs. They are not wedding redos. And honestly, they are for milestone years (I'm not a fan for them under 20 years).
Im sorry, but you will never have a Maid of Honour unless you get divorced and remarried. You can have your sister give a toast. You are never going to walk down the aisle as a bride on the arm of your father (you can dance with him at your party, of course).
My grandparents had a big, traditional wedding planned. But then WW2 happened and my grandfather joined the military. My grandmother took the ferry by herself over from Ireland to Wales then the train to where my grandfather was stationed. They were married in the base chapel and had to grab some army private walking by to be their witness. That was their wedding. It was romantic. They never did a redo or a vow renewal. Because they were married and it would be silly to play pretend.
Does it suck that it is different from what you and your parent's envisaged? Yes, but it is terribly romantic that you and your fiancé couldn't bear to be apart so you eloped in a private ceremony.
I would just skip the ceremony/ vow renewal (these are really for major life hurdles, like near deaths, and people that have been married 20+ years), throw a party: have an entrance from the husband and wife (you are going to have been married for 2-3 years at this point, so hardly newlyweds). Start the party with a short speech about how much you love your husband. Have your husband give a short speech (3 minutesish) about how much he loves you. Then have your sister give a short toast. Then enjoy the party. Wear an awesome dress. Have some nice photography. But don't try to play pretend with veils or vows. Just keep telling yourself 'I am a wife, not a bride'.
That's a good point. And I think it's a fine line. My friends did a vow renewal in part because they wanted their friends and family to witness them make a renewed commitment to one another, but a big part was that they had been through a cross country move, she went to basic training, another relocations, a deployment, and wanted to reaffirm their commitment, with their friends and family.
I agree that with the OP there doesn't seem to be much about why she and her H want to have another ceremony committing to one another, but rather about the party/ceremony/wedding frills; but I definitely can see the case where a couple would want a renewal outside of traditional milestone years.
I tend to be "PPD-lite". While I agree with @southernbelle0915, that people are over-using the term "vow renewal" to have the wedding ceremony they wanted and didn't have. I also don't really see anything wrong with it or see it as being much different from a celebration of marriage party...as long as all the guests know what is going on. I also think the couple can wear whatever they want, even if the wife wears a wedding gown.
As a guest, would I find it a little weird that a married couple is going through this much money and trouble to throw a big celebration or vow renewal party? Yeah, I would. But not usually in a side-eye way.
With that said, I did have a former coworker planning a vow renewal for their 8th anniversary. The whole 9 yards. And that was also about how long the train on her "wedding" gown was, lol. Their actual wedding was the whole 9 yards. 200+ guests. No expense spared. And she loved that day so much she wanted to recreate it. I did side-eye THAT event. For context, even outside of her vow renewal, she was one of the most attention-grabbing people I have ever met.
I think my issue with the "vow renewal" that's more like "the wedding I feel I deserve/want" is that, even if guests know what's going on, the more wedding-ish it is, the more many people feel obligated to go, buy a gift, etc.
I am PPD-lite from the perspective of: you got married because insurance/military/overseas job/residency/whatever and you didn't get to celebrate with family and friends? Bummer. Then host a kick ass party. But the ceremony piece? No. Not on board. The ceremony, the dress, the first dances, the cake cutting, the attendants, etc...that's what makes a PPD a PPD. It's not just the lying. It's making the event into a pretty princess day, where married people dress up like a bride/groom and have all the trappings of a wedding. (even if people know you're a wife). That's kind of the definition IMO.