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Wedding Etiquette Forum
Knottie1463830101
member
Inviting strangers to the wedding
Good Morning Knotties,
My FI and I have been planning our wedding for a little over 1.5 years now, everything is finalized as we are getting married in less than 28 days. My problem is this, my sister asked me why I am not inviting my mother to the wedding. My reasoning: My mother and father divorced when I was 3 years old, from what I remember she made a couple of attempts the year following to see me, and then when MIA until I was 17, when she decided to reach out and see me. This lasted one visit, and then I didn't hear anything again until I was 22, I tried to build a relationship with her, but every time I would make the 2 hour trip to drive to her, she would always end up just putting my father down. After about 4 times of this I had enough. We stayed in contact for maybe less then a year via social media, and she hasn't tried to reach out to me except for the end of last year, sending me a shaming message because her sister (who I met once, and have no connection with) passed away and "I didn't consider her feelings and reach out to her." I feel as though she is a stranger to me, and not very comfortable inviting her to the wedding. The part that hurts me the most, is I have an older sister that is both my parents daughter. After much debate, I wanted to invite her and her husband and two kids to our wedding, but then decided not too because I doubt she would come if I didn't invite my mother. (She has lived with my mother since my parents divorced.) I am reaching out now, for advice to see if I am justified in my actions, or if I should reconsider.
Thank you in advance.
My FI and I have been planning our wedding for a little over 1.5 years now, everything is finalized as we are getting married in less than 28 days. My problem is this, my sister asked me why I am not inviting my mother to the wedding. My reasoning: My mother and father divorced when I was 3 years old, from what I remember she made a couple of attempts the year following to see me, and then when MIA until I was 17, when she decided to reach out and see me. This lasted one visit, and then I didn't hear anything again until I was 22, I tried to build a relationship with her, but every time I would make the 2 hour trip to drive to her, she would always end up just putting my father down. After about 4 times of this I had enough. We stayed in contact for maybe less then a year via social media, and she hasn't tried to reach out to me except for the end of last year, sending me a shaming message because her sister (who I met once, and have no connection with) passed away and "I didn't consider her feelings and reach out to her." I feel as though she is a stranger to me, and not very comfortable inviting her to the wedding. The part that hurts me the most, is I have an older sister that is both my parents daughter. After much debate, I wanted to invite her and her husband and two kids to our wedding, but then decided not too because I doubt she would come if I didn't invite my mother. (She has lived with my mother since my parents divorced.) I am reaching out now, for advice to see if I am justified in my actions, or if I should reconsider.
Thank you in advance.
Re: Inviting strangers to the wedding
Could you discuss the situation with your sister before you send the invites? Give her a heads up your mom may not come, and let her know if there is anyone else invited she would know. I would assume she knows you two don't have the closest relationship, right?
I wouldn't think you'd be out of line not inviting your mom, but are you close with anyone in her extended family (her siblings, your cousins, etc)? If you did plan to invite any of them, it may not be a bad idea to invite your mom as well.
Are you worried your mom would come and cause a scene or get aggressive or anything? If you're only on the fence because you're not close to her, it may be less stress to just invite her since it seems she probably wouldn't come.
Thank you, I honestly do not know anyone on her side of the family, not a single one has made any attempt to reach out to me. I could pass them in my everyday life, and have no idea they are my aunts or uncles.
I am not worried about her causing a scene or being aggressive, I worry about having to explain to people, Who she is, and why she is there. Which sounds awful, but if anyone on my FH side asked, I'd be way too embarrassed to tell them she is "supposed" to be my mother.
I worry about putting my older sister is a situation where if she did want to come, my mother would start treating her differently.
We had our destination wedding in February, very small with only close family. We are now having a LARGE vow renewal, in wedding format in June with all of our family and friends, since traveling to our destination wedding wasn't an option. I dont know why that matters?
Good news- this is already solved. You had your wedding and you didn't invite your mum or sister.
You don't get a wedding redo because you had a DW. You can certainly throw a party, but no vow renewals (those are for 10+ years) and no wedding related events. You could have chosen to invite these people, but you didn't. That's ok. But you have to own it.
This is is beyond rude.
Because a vow renewal is not a wedding? Because having a vow renewal after four months of marriage is ridiculous? Basically you're having a PPD. You already had your wedding. You could have thrown a celebration of marriage party instead. You shouldn't be having bridesmaids (you are no longer a bride), and you shouldn't be doing anything else that is pretending to be a wedding in disguise. And you made a pay pal account so people could deposit their money into it? That's just tacky and greedy. You wanted to have your cake and eat it too.
You are actually completely wrong about vow renewals. And quite frankly I can do what ever I want. If anything YOU'RE being rude.
Just because another person gives their opinion does not mean they are being rude. Also, if you are going to do whatever you want, than why are you here?
Stay classy OP. Keep telling yourself that- you'll look ridiculous as a grow woman playing play pretend.
Vow renewals don't have bridesmaids, wedding gowns, or anything wedding related.
The fact that you are referring to this as your wedding is very insightful.
Meanwhile, we'll be over here NOT embarrassing ourselves and making our alleged friends pay for BM dresses so I can live out a childhood princess fantasy.
No as in the people you're inviting to this shindig don't know you're already married?
No what? People don't know you're already married?
No, a lot of our family does not know we are already married, and there are very good reasons, I don't need any of you judgmental people, commenting on. I came here for help and advice, not to have snarky, bitchy opinions that I DO NOT CARE ABOUT, left. Thanks but no thanks.
That's just terrible that you're lying to your family about this. I'd be willing to bet you're going to hurt and piss off a lot of people when the truth comes out and it WILL come out. It always does.
So you're lying to your family and friends? What possible reason could justify that?
"We have a totally unique, never-before seen situation that required it."
People will know. They'll find out. And there will be hurt feelings and damaged relationships. That's on you. People are going to spend a lot of money, time, and effort to attend what they think is your real wedding. Only it isn't a real wedding. It's a sham. If I took time off of work, bought you a gift, and traveled to your wedding only to find out you got married in a DW but it apparently wasn't "good enough," I would be so pissed. That is so disrespectful of my time and money. And you seem to think you are owed gifts as well. So much so that you have made a Paypal account.
Lol, oh honey not all of us are old. And those who might be are still classy.
You came to an etiquette forum and are now pissed that people are telling you that you have poor etiquette. That's a YOU problem.
We might not know shit about you, but we know poor etiquette and have seen, far too many times, where the kinds of lies and AWish behavior like yours gets people IRL. Your friends may not judge you to your face, but they most certainly will behind your back. We are simply trying to get you to face the music before that happens.
Are we at bingo yet?
Everyone gave you good advice. Is treating people well such a foreign concept to you?
Is your vow renewal a religious ceremony? Will you be lying to your minister/rabbi/imam/priest as well? Or will you just be asking your minister/rabbi/imam/priest to also lie to your family? Because neither is okay. And TBH a vow renewal less than six months after your actual wedding is extremely narcissistic. Why would you need to renew the vows you said four months prior???
Oh FFS. Did you get Daddy's permission to get married?
Want to know what is NOT a vow renewal? Getting married at a destination wedding and then LYING to your closest family and friends so that they come to your pretend dress-up show where the stars of the show are a wife masquerading as a bride and a husband pretending to be a groom. That is not a vow renewal, honey. It's a fake wedding.
And how do you really think that's going to play out when they find out you had already gotten married before this PPD?
Vow renewals are for couples celebrating milestone anniversaries or to celebrate overcoming tough times and everyone attending one know what they are.
Your posts are hilarious and I hope lurkers read them because we can say "do literally the opposite of everything this OP is doing" and they're golden.
If you really must have a vow renewal, here is a website that gives good etiquette advice. https://www.idotaketwo.com/blog/vow-renewal-etiquette-2/ Please read it carefully, and note that it states that vow renewals are NOT second weddings.
As for whom you will invite if you decide to have a vow renewal this soon after your wedding, this is up to you. The only rule is that husbands/wives. partners/significant others in a relationship must be invited. You are not required to invite your mother.
Expect a lot of declines. You are planning something that is not usually done. Many people will side eye you for this event. I would suggest that you just have a nice anniversary party and invite people to that.
You really should send out wedding announcements to all of your friends and family as soon as possible. This is the correct thing to do. They are printed up much like wedding invitations.