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Wedding Etiquette Forum
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How far is too far?
I've fallen in love with a venue that is perfect for our budget, but I'm concerned it is too far. The venue is 1 hour and 22 minutes from where 90% of where our guests live and i have been told that we can count on a lot of people not showing. Even though there are hotels near by and we would provide a shuttle for over night guests. The ceremony and Reception would both be on the same grounds! Is it unreasonable to ask our guests to drive an hour and 22 minutes or stay the night? Thank you!
Re: How far is too far?
You're free to choose the wedding venue that works for you and your FI, assuming you're the only ones paying. However, and this is a big however, if having these guests is important to you, and the travel is inconvenient/hotels are expensive/your guests don't like to travel or stay overnight you may want to reconsider your venue. That's a pretty inconvenient distance to ask the overwhelming majority of your guests to travel just because you like a venue. What does the venue have that makes the distance worth it to you?
That said, I think it's more the location. I've also attended a wedding 1.5 hours away where I wasn't annoyed attending. It was a resort beach town, spent the whole weekend there. The bride was from there, so it wasn't 90% of the family. I also spent most summers there, so I didn't think twice about it.
Funny how the same amount of time has totally different reactions.
Talk to your VIPs, make your choice and DO NOT get upset if your get declines. Invitations are not summons. They might attend, they might not.
**** my wedding was about 2 hours from where most of my extended family lived, 5 hours from most of DH's site, with about a 3rd coming from around the world (we also had to fly to the location). This was also a beach resort town. I had a great turn out from my family (about 77 of them). Actually, much bigger than I thought. I had some cousins who do not attend local weddings who attended my OOT wedding. They made a weekend out of it. Sometimes it's hard to predict what guests are going to do.
You are not doing anything wrong, but you asked and I answered honestly.
Is there easy transportation between the city and the venue? What about the hotels to and from the barn? Even if hotels are cheap there are other costs you're guests are going to be concerned about. Middle of nowhere venues might have beautiful pictures, but logistically they can be a nightmare for your guests.
If you are doing a barn wedding because it better represents you two and takes precedence, something else has to go lower on the list. If that is your guest count, you have to acknowledge and accept it should you choose to stick with your venue.
What time of year will your wedding be? What region of the country are you in and what is the weather typically like in your area at the that time of year?
Does the barn have AC/heat? What happens if it's supposed to rain?
Who is going to be catering this event? Would your caterers have to be making the 3hr roundtrip drive for your reception too? How about your photographer, Officiant, etc?
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
For some reason I can't bold, but I think @lyndausvi hit the nail on the head by saying, "Funny how the same amount of time has totally different reactions."
Totally agree. If I have to drive 90 minutes one-way to a wedding, because that is where the couple lives. Even if myself and most of their guests live further away, I'm cool with that. Because a location close to where they live makes sense. Or if I live in the same town as the couple, but most of their guests live 90 minutes away and they have a venue close to the majority of the guests. That also makes sense and I wouldn't have an issue with it.
However, if myself, the couple, and most of the guests live in City A. But they are having the venue in City B, 90 minutes away. I would be annoyed by that. I'd know perfectly well they aren't doing anything wrong, etiquette-wise, and I can always choose not to go. But, I can't help it, I'd still side-eye it a little.
With all that said, for practical purposes, the "reason" for having to drive 90 minutes for a wedding wouldn't have any bearing on whether I would go or not. However, to drive 3 hours total for a wedding, it would have to be a really good friend or family member. I probably wouldn't do that for a casual friend or coworker.
My advice would be to NOT do what we did. If I had it to do over, I would have picked something more convenient for us as well as our guests. The location we chose is stunning, but it's caused a good deal of avoidable strife in terms of logistics.
Save yourself a load of stress and pick a venue that does all the heavy lifting for you. The more things the venue provides (tables, chairs, catering, etc) the fewer things you have to worry about. The closer/easier it is for your guests, the fewer things they have to worry about. Win-Win.
It made for more guests who stayed late, easier logistics, and fewer issues with people trying to book hotels.
Also, I'll mention that one of my dearest friends really loved the idea of a barn wedding until she attended a wedding in one and watched people actually passing out from heat stroke. The couple had a beautiful location and no way to cool it.
It was 100 degrees on my wedding day. Air conditioning was our friend.
I guess it all depends on your crowd. Driving an hour upstate here isn't really a big deal. I'd absolutely do it for a friend's wedding.
Currently, I live in a pretty good-sized city and an acquaintance recently got married a little over an hour out of town, because it was a lot less expensive. The issue was that the only hotels around KNEW they were the only ones, and rooms were more expensive for her guests, plus there were fewer options. Guests also couldn't easily catch a cab or Lyft home if they drank more than they planned, etc. She also paid more for her hair & MUA because they had to travel to a city they don't normally work in (slim pickings in the city the wedding was held).
I *would* drive that far for a super awesome location, if it was where the couple lived, if it was an area I had been to before, etc. But probably not for a barn with no connection to the couple. I love PPs' suggestion about taking engagement pics there! Maybe also price out the TOTAL cost of the wedding having it in the barn vs. closer to town; it may surprise you.
But if it's literally just a barn and that's it, I'd find it annoying.
This. @climbingwife I think your situation is still a little different because you had your wedding at a resort. I would have loved it because upstate is beautiful and there are a ton of great hikes we could have done. But a barn in the middle of nowhere? I'd be a little irritated having to get a hotel for that when there's nothing else to do in the area.
I think this is pretty similar to what @climbingwife was referring to. Like I just attended a wedding that was a little over an hour drive because we have a prominent wine country a little over an hour away. Of my friends that attended, some stayed two nights, but almost all of them (including myself) stayed at least one, because it was nice. I only know of one guest who commuted and it was because they had a young child and wanted to relieve the babysitter.
A random barn in the middle of nowhere? It better be cheap to stay there or I'm probably skipping your wedding TBH
Edit: All your guests live 1 hour and 22 minutes away? Do all your guests live together in one giant house? This is so strangely specific to me. I can't imagine all of my family, friends, and FI's family and friends living in 1 small bubble. It's so crazy to me!
Furthermore, even if I do live "close" (30 minute drive let's say) I still like to take advantage of the local hotel if the couple is providing shuttles so that both me and my date can imbibe to our heart's content.
We had a downtown city wedding and all our friends came in, even flying in. Half of DH's family, who live roughly an hour out in the 'burbs, declined. And that's with a bunch of public transit options at their disposal if they were so inclined to imbibe but not get a hotel. Lots of people were jazzed about a city wedding, and other weren't, and it showed in the guest count. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
You never know what people are going to do with RSVPs, but you can sure as hell bet that some family will bitch that whatever you're doing isn't convenient enough for them.
OP, get buy-in from your VIPs before booking a venue. If your VIPs don't want to go to this barn, then I love the above suggestion of using it for your photo shoots and having the wedding at a more convenient spot.
Where I (and most of my guests) live, traditional wedding venues are often not very close to hotels. It's not uncommon for someone to have the ceremony in their hometown, followed by the reception 30-45 mins away, with the closest hotel option another 30 mins away. I personally prefer parking in one location and not having to worry about driving to the next thing. DH and I fell in love with our venue not only because of the rural feel but because we wanted our guests to be able to get away for the night and party.
Your venue choice isn't wrong, but think about what it means for your guests. How close are hotels to the venue? What is transportation like (i.e. can they get a cab out there?)? It requires either your guests to drive (thus leave early, drink less) or stay at a hotel (extra money).
I do like that both ceremony and reception are in the same place. If they weren't, I'd say "hell no!".
Myself, I would drive the hour and a half, but it probably means we'd have to leave earlier to drive home safely (i.e. not too tired). It's too far to take a cab, so we would debate on the hotel stay if that was in the budget, but likely would leave early and drive unless we were very close to the B&G.
Something like this for my grandparents would be a no-go. My grandparents can no longer drive, so they'd need someone to drive them, and staying in a hotel would not be a great option for health/mobility reasons.
ETA: I know this isn't actually etiquette, but if you were to pick this venue, as a guest, I would expect a bit more. I would assume if you went out of town for this venue that it is because you were getting so much more "bang" for your buck. I'm not suggesting this venue needs to be a five start estate, but I would expect a nice venue with indoor plumbing (what kind of barn are we talking here?), climate controlled, really good food and ample amounts of it, an open bar, and good DJ (if you are having one). But mainly the food and drink.
You are free to have your wedding any place you choose. Your guests are also free to decline your invitation because the venue is difficult for them. It does sound as if you are placing more value on your wedding vision and photos than on your guests comfort and convenience.
This.
If I have to drive 3hrs roundtrip, plus or minus the cost of a hotel stay to attend your wedding, and so does 90% of your guests, your wedding is a destination wedding in my mind.
When you hosts events like that you really should step up the food and entertainment a bit, but at a minimum I would expect indoor plumbing and AC/heat.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."