How do I find a fling?
Dear Prudence,
I’m a gay guy in my early 30s. As a child I was often beaten up for my effeminate ways, but I eventually found my way to peace and am now a happy, proud, out gay man. I have a lot of great friendships, mostly with other gay guys and straight women. The thing is, I’m also physically attracted to (some) women, and I’m not out about this. It’s been something that’s been building for a few years now, and I’m actually worried about two things.
First, I know I don’t want a relationship (short or long-term) with a woman. I just want to have fun, but it seems that most women aren’t interested in just a fling, especially with a guy who’s sensitive and seems like a good long-term partner. Is that wrong? I hope I’m not sounding self-centered or sexist by accident. Second, I worry about revealing my physical attraction to (some) women to my current female friends. I’m worried they’ll look at me like they do straight guys, which is with a kind of constant worry that it could all go wrong at any time. (Which I really get, since it seems like the straight guys I know would happily hook up with basically any woman.) I know this seems like a silly problem, but it’s bothering me and I just would like an outside opinion.
—Can Nice Guys Have Fun?
Re: How do I find a fling?
I feel like LW wants to sleep with one of his female friends because of comfort level tbh - like friends with benefits but one-nighter maybe
I could see that. I mean, no better way than just to ask I guess. Digging back into my memories of singlehood, I feel like you usually know who is "down"/approachable about this kind of thing and who isn't.
Also digging back into singlehood, a friends with benefits/no strings attached/drama free situation with a nice, trustworthy friend? Um, yes please! I was only able to achieve this with a few friends (and remain friends). An open conversation about expectations and when to end it BEFORE the arrangement begins are a must.
I had a 'thing' {okay a lot more involved than that} with a guy who was my BFF and bi {now with a guy} It's definitely a comfort thing - but you're right, LW would know who'd be interested.
If LW drinks, he could ask while drinking {liquid courage?} then chalk it up to drunken suggestions
I'm reading between the lines here, but I think it is some of his female friends he is attracted to and they aren't the types to be cool with a one-night stand and/or FwB situations. If so, he needs to shut that down and get over it. Maybe he could gently suggest or bring up the idea, especially if it is a drinking night (per @MissKittyDanger).
But, if he wants to preserve his friendships and not potentially make them awkward, he needs to proceed with extreme caution and really think about a particular friend's attitude.
For example...and definitely no judgment to others...but I have never had a one night stand and have rarely been a "casual sex" kind of gal. Any good friend of mine knows that, at least the second part of the sentence. If the LW was my friend and he approached me about sleeping with him for funsies, I'd be offended and creeped out. It wouldn't ruin our friendship, at least not on my end, but I could see it altering it. I would definitely question his judgment and it would take me awhile to be comfortable around him again. And that's only if he totally dropped it and never brought it up again.
I think there's more going on here. He's not saying, I just want to have sex with a woman to see what it's like, he's attracted to women (just doesn't want a relationship with a woman?) I don't know this sounds, odd to me. He's making a lot of assumptions about how women act in a relationship that are certainly not universally true. This does read a little sexist to me.
This person is bisexual. Presumably cisgender male bisexual. And within the homosexual communities there is so much prejudice against bisexuals (fence rider, pick a side, just a phase, assuming the gender binary, not being a "golden' lesbian/gay man, etc.). I would encourage him to find his bisexual community and figure out his words (bisexual doesn't mean the binary gender spectrum, it doesn't mean equal level of attractions across the board, there is no punch card to determine how bisexual you really are, etc.) Then, explore his sexuality like anyone else would. Date, for pete's sake (and deal with any other issues like you would any other dating issues, cisgender women aren't special unicorns/circumstances). And be prepared to have to explain, over and over, what bisexual is and educate people about it.
ETA: And be prepared for rejection about being an out bisexual.
That was why I really got the vibe that he is speaking about some very particular women who are in his friend group. Because, yeah, "there's an app for that", lol. Or he could hire a pro.
I was hoping you chime in because I was reading this thinking, "You're participating in bi-erasure, your own and at large." and "I wonder what V will have to say."
Serious question because now I'm wondering - what's the difference between bisexual and pansexual?
{also, could LW be pansexual?}
So, TL;DR version: there is no difference.
Explanation:
So, heterosexual = sexual attraction to opposite gender of your gender;
homosexual = sexual attraction to same gender as your gender.
So, there's no actual definition of gender in the sexual attraction except for the gender of the person experiencing the sexual attraction, right?
For some amazing reason, bisexuals are told, "Your gender attraction has to be on the gender spectrum binary, so you are attracted to men and women," instead of actually including the person experiencing the sexual attraction and their gender. That is incorrect. Bisexual attraction is and always has been (to match the above formation): I am sexually attracted to another gender (not a defined gender) including my own (not a defined gender). B/c that definition includes ME in it. The "bi" is my gender and the gender of the person I'm attracted to unlimited to a false gender binary spectrum (I basically say I like pretty wrapping and don't care about genitals).
Pansexual really came about b/c the bisexual orientation, having their sexual identity defined for them instead of people listening to us defining it for ourselves, was seen as being transphobic (b/c the gender binary spectrum limits to cisgender men/women).
Yes, there are bisexuals who are transphobic or refuse to date genderfluid/queer. Just like there are hetero-- and homosexuals who are transphobic, refuse to date genderfluid/queer. That's a whole 'nother conversation of topic and it's difficult for various reasons.
I don't care about people using the word pansexual, except for when they do it by negating my sexuality, i.e., "Well, I'm not bisexual, I'm pansexual." Nope, that's erasure, you don't tell bisexuals what their sexuality is defined as, and you don't need to erase me to uplift you.
I figured someone would have an answer and tbh I wanted to ask for a bit now but wasn't 100% sure how to bring it up lol
In my younger days, I used to be friends with a couple. He was hetero and she was bi-sexual. I remember we all had a discussion one day of some of the frustrations that they'd have over her identification of being bi-sexual and society's attitude toward that.
For example, she pointed out that she can be BOTH bi-sexual and monogamous. Yet, a lot of society act like that isn't possible. Even he had gotten some flak from his friends at various times about "how could he date a bi-sexual because, at some point, she would miss being with a woman and would cheat on him".
At any rate, I was all of 19 or 20 at the time and these were things I'd really never thought about. It was an interesting and enlightening conversation. It opened my eyes to some of the challenges other people were facing.
Oh yes. My most common response is usually, "Well, I like both blonds and brunettes, but I don't need one of each to survive."
K has struggled with w/my orientation a bit. There does seem to be a fear of "What if you leave me for a man?" I was like, "Um, what if I leave you for a woman? Or a transman? Is that somehow less worse?" I do appreciate that she's done her own reading and is now a big advocate against bi-erasure. She corrects people who call us lesbians and just calls our relationship, "queer" rather than a lesbian relationship.