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Re: charity favors
We had someone last week who was going to print a card that said a donation has been made instead of a favor. That probably got mixed in with your discussion.
Again, if someone doesn't like it, they don't have to use it (it being whatever favor you choose) and I'm glad your group enjoyed the card, but from MY perspective, I'd be thinking that it was just to make you look like a good person while knowing most people wouldn't use them.
I've actually not seen anyone get mad over favors unless it's like this and the other example I wrote about. Most of us say, "Save your money and don't do a favor or do an edible." We're adults who don't need a treat for going to a party.
I once read on this board that someone gave out little charity tokens (a few to each person I think) and then made up little baskets with names of 3 different charities. The person could drop the tokens into the basket of their choice (or not at all) and the bride/groom would make a donation to each charity based on the number of tokens. I liked that too. I thought it was a nice idea. I wanted to share the website I'd found because I thought it was a nice idea also. I think normalizing the idea of adding something charitable to an otherwise very indulgent event is a good thing. I hope to see more of it. I wish the people who get so angry about this could just leave it alone. I really just wanted to share something for people who think similarly to me. After spending a lot of money on food and drink, etc. I liked the idea of doing something charitable. And I thought my guests would enjoy picking the charities, and they did.
I did edible favors, but because we asked about dietary restrictions for the meal and because we knew our guests well, I was able to accommodate ALL of their restrictions (including my cousin's son who is allergic to gluten, soy, nuts & dairy).
I don't see that posting about a charitable contribution is any worse than having a big fancy wedding where people can see you've spent tons of money on indulgences. In fact, I'd much rather see the charitable contribution than lavish over-the-top spending -- the latter is much more likely to seem gross to me.
You would have done best just to forgo favors altogether and donate to the charities you support without announcing it at your wedding.
'But then they wouldn't know what a gooooood peeeeerrrson I ammmmmmm'
As soon as you make charitable donations public, it isnt about donations, its self-seeking attention. You could have donated your money you received as wedding gifts to a charity you support, but you wanted the attention.
Why could you just not PRIVATELY donate the favour amount. The whole amount, not money minus 3% fee plastered with your face on it.
I didn't privately donate the money because I wanted the people at my wedding to choose where it went. Because they have charities that are meaningful to them, and I wanted to support those. Many of them sent me personal notes saying how they appreciated it.
I think it's funny that people think it's fine to be as over-the-top as you want -- with dresses that costs thousands of dollars, open bar, 7-piece bands, stuff like that. As if that's not a huge cry for attention. But if you mention that you're giving to a charity, people on the Knot just want you to hush it up 'cause maybe you're trying to look good. Like doing something good is somehow vile and it should be all about indulgence. Sorry, but I don't feel that way.
But I'm not trying to convince you or anyone to give out charity cards. I just came on here to share the option that I found for those who *do* want to give charity favors -- so they'd know about the card option. Judging from the sticky thread about it, a lot of people want to do charitable donations as favors and they will. Even if you don't like it -- even if you think it's rude -- people are going to do it anyway. And my post was for those guys, not for you. Because it was helpful for me when I read some of the other ideas for charity favors, I thought it might similarly be helpful for someone else to read about the one I'd come across. Personally I hope that charitable giving at weddings becomes a common thing and that I see it at every wedding I attend. I'll be very glad if someone makes a donation to charity on my behalf. I'd prefer that to whatnots or treats any day.
So why are you posting here? On The Knot, we give sound, etiquette approved advice to brides who are trying to plan a tasteful, polite wedding. If you "couldn't care less", you do not belong here. I usually welcome new members, but you really need an attitude adjustment.
PS. There is nothing rude about giving a charitable donation. It is TELLING people about it that is rude and attention seeking.
My tone was negative because I'd been attacked repeatedly. My first post was innocuous enough and not intended to start conflict. But I reached my limit after being attacked for having the audacity to do something that indicated I supported charity. And sorry, but I don't think telling people you've made a donation to a charity of their choice on their behalf is rude. And it's certainly no more attention seeking than putting on a wedding dress and throwing a party. It just has the benefit of doing something that's actually good in the world.
Matthew 6:1-4, New International Version
1“Be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of others to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven.
2“So when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be honored by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. 3But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, 4so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.
ETA: In the immortal words of Forrest Gump, "That's all I have to say about that."
I'm not sure why folks want to beat up on something as insignificant as a wedding favor anyway. Why not just let those of us who want to give to charity do so without so much grief? It's not hurting anyone, and it might actually be doing some good in the world. Why not just let people have a conversation about the options without attacking the idea?
I'm not going to dignify this with a response because I've had a shitty couple of days at work and I think I injured my shoulders earlier. Instead, I'm just going to put you on ignore. Bye.
There are other wedding websites that will blow rainbows and unicorns at you, and tell you that any rude idea you have is perfectly wonderful. Not here. We tell brides the truth, even when they don't like it.
Think about it. Not one person has told you that giving to charily and announcing that you are doing it is a good idea. No one! Doesn't that tell you that your idea might not be a good one?
After you posted that you don't care about good manners, I do know what to think. I'm with @OurWildKingdom . Bye.
As you saw, our forum isn't concerned with how popular your gesture was-because whether or not your family or friends liked it is not relevant to whether or not your gesture was appropriate. Nor is your desire to support any of 300 causes a justification for your need to toot your own horn to your guests about your decision that someone else needs your resources more than they did.
When hosting wedding reception guests, their needs take priority. Not yours. Not whomever you seem "in need" of charitable donations. The reception is a thank you for your guests. Nobody is thanked by being told that other people get one's resources instead.
Sorry, but none of the arguments you've advanced in this thread justify your decision to make a public announcement to your guests that you were giving to charity "in lieu of" something for them. And sorry, but none of the arguments you've advanced in this thread are persuasive that a donation to a charity selected by YOU as a "worthy cause" (regardless of how many you "offered" your guests) make such a donation "for the benefit of your guests."
Just answer this: at the end of a dinner party that you are hosting, would you pass around the table Envelopes with cash and a photo of yourself in it. And then say 'donate this to the charity'. Of course not. It's not just bizarre, it's smug, self-serving and attention seeking. You would just privately donate.
You did this because you wanted people to think you were charitable and giving. It's great that you wanted to donate, but the moment you needed to broadcast it shows that it's not about giving, it's about you and your need for validation. You are not the Queen giving magnanimous Maundy Thursday money to the paupers, but you are certainly acting like it.
Also, I hate to break it to you, but no one is going to tell you to your face what a AW stunt this was. I can guarantee there were side-eyes. Especially that you included the photo.
And as someone who works with several charities, micro donations are actually very cost-inefficient. They usually cost more in staff time than what they're worth. Just saying, if you donated £600 to the Red Cross, that would be very effective. If you gave everyone £2 to donate separately, the Red Cross would easily be spending £5 in staff time and resources to process it per transaction, essentially costing them money. And you paid 3% to a commercial company for the privilege to take money from charities.
But, you know, you got to really tell people you are a super duper good person.
Being generous is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren't.
It like that it's interactive for guests getting to choose where the money goes, and not just told about a donation made for them. If I ever got a favour like that, I would be thrilled!
The only one who was "angry" in this thread was you-because the rest of us didn't validate your bad idea.
If you bothered to read that thread, why did you not take away that you were advocating a very unpopular idea? Why are those of us who don't support it for the reasons we mentioned, both in that thread and this one, supposed to validate it? Just because YOU think we should?
You advanced no arguments in its favor besides "my friends and relatives loved it." In other threads here, we note that the popularity of an idea does not mean it passes muster in terms of propriety.
You're beating a dead horse.
http://www.brides.com/story/wedding-favors-that-give-back
It's clearly more acceptable than it might have been initially.
But I'm not trying to make anyone support it. I just think people who are likeminded should be able to discuss it without being shouted down. But they can't because all the people on here are going to do is shout them down.
The reason the sticky was closed wasn't because the OP didn't like the responses, it's because it's a sticky and those aren't meant for discussion.
You have to take everything you read in bridal magazine and on bridal websites (including the knot) with a grain of salt. They're in the business of selling wedding stuff not in the business of etiquette.
I'm glad your guests liked the favor. It's apparent that many people do. It's also apparent that many people find it tacky. I did a little research and Miss Manners says that as long as the charitable donation is given with another gift, it's fine. In this case, you gave your guests a gift (dinner, drinks, etc) and also a charitable donation. I think maybe the way you did it was a bit over the top, but I'd rather have a little card with a picture of the B&G to stick to my fridge than a crappy coozie or candle.
You're being incredibly defensive about what nearly everyone here told you was a bad idea, and you're even resorting to ad hominem attacks like "you're angry/you're mean" ad nauseam. If your original arguments didn't convince us, what makes you think that your playing the victim or name-calling will?
Perhaps a photo wasn't the best, but that was just so they'd have something less generic. I figure most of the cards get thrown away after they're used, but some might be kept -- just like a few people kept the programs afterward (while most went to recycling).