I'm not trying to convince you to use charity favors, and I wasn't soliciting advice on something I'd already done. I only wanted to talk about the topic with other people who were doing or had done charity favors because it's clearly interesting to some folks. My original post was never intended to be combative.
Perhaps a photo wasn't the best, but that was just so they'd have something less generic. I figure most of the cards get thrown away after they're used, but some might be kept -- just like a few people kept the programs afterward (while most went to recycling).
For the umpteenth time, "popular" =/= "appropriate."
And for the umpteenth time, I'm not trying to convince you (or anyone else) to do it if you don't like the idea or consider it inappropriate. Just to let people who want to do it (clearly plenty of people out there in the world) talk about it.
Okay, I'm done with this as I need to work. It's clear that this topic is too controversial. I would have appreciated the chance to discuss charity favors with folks who used or planned to use them, rather than having people telling me what a terrible idea it was (as if that was somehow helpful after the fact). But, even if you think it's a bad idea, please recognize that lots of people DON'T think that, and that their opinions and thoughts matter also. These are all opinions -- not facts -- regardless of how you phrase your point of view. Lots of people will give charity gifts because they see it done and because some magazines (like the Brides) suggest it. Personally I hope it becomes a trend because I think it's a good thing (though again that's an opinion).
Just curious, what happens to the money if someone never redeems their charity card? Does the giver get notice so you follow up with them? Is that just lost money? Does it eventually go somewhere?
Just curious, what happens to the money if someone never redeems their charity card? Does the giver get notice so you follow up with them? Is that just lost money? Does it eventually go somewhere?
I don't think the OP gets charged unless the card is used. I'm not 100% on that though.
Well, I'll answer that since it's just factual. On the particular card I mentioned, the funds don't expire. If a person doesn't use them in a few years, those funds move into the organization's general budget (but will still be honored if a person suddenly uses the card). Or if you don't want that to happen (I don't care for that idea), you always have the option of donating any unused funds on your own (to whatever charities you pick yourself). You have a webpage where you can see which cards were spent and which ones weren't. In my case, I'll wait a year and see if any are still left unused -- if so, I'll donate them to charities I pick. I'd probably let whoever still had cards know before I did that though.
Just curious, what happens to the money if someone never redeems their charity card? Does the giver get notice so you follow up with them? Is that just lost money? Does it eventually go somewhere?
I don't think the OP gets charged unless the card is used. I'm not 100% on that though.
I'm wrong. The FAQ's say that you get an email whenever one is used. I would assume then that after a certain amount of time, the purchaser would be able to use those funds another way, but it doesn't say.
Yes, that's how it works. See my thread above yours. I do like that none of the donation is ever lost. I'll just check on my first anniversary (I think that's long enough) and see if any is left and donate it if so.
I think this is a good idea. People seem to have two problems with the charity donation. One is that you don't get to pick the charity - well, this problem is solved. The second is that it's "showy", but IDK, I think edible favors are kinda dumb. Like you want to give me a cookie to take home after you served me desert? I'd rather have $2 to donate to a charity. I think the OPs statement that a little bit of giving back with a lot of opulence is a good way to think about it.
Some things are opinions and some things are facts. You can dislike an idea, but you can't unequivocally state it's a bad idea like it's a fact. Your opinion is not a fact. And declaring to speak for a whole forum is pretty obnoxious. We're all individuals with various levels of tolerance for lots of things. One person does not speak for everybody.
I think this is a good idea. People seem to have two problems with the charity donation. One is that you don't get to pick the charity - well, this problem is solved. The second is that it's "showy", but IDK, I think edible favors are kinda dumb. Like you want to give me a cookie to take home after you served me desert? I'd rather have $2 to donate to a charity. I think the OPs statement that a little bit of giving back with a lot of opulence is a good way to think about it.
Some things are opinions and some things are facts. You can dislike an idea, but you can't unequivocally state it's a bad idea like it's a fact. Your opinion is not a fact. And declaring to speak for a whole forum is pretty obnoxious. We're all individuals with various levels of tolerance for lots of things. One person does not speak for everybody.
A wedding just doesn't seem like an appropriate time for it IMO.
JFC, I just got here and read this whole thing: what are you trying to accomplish, OP? You did it. Almost no one here agrees that it's a great idea. The end. Why are you still here arguing with every stinking comment? It's not like we're going to invent a time machine and go back and replace your AW charity gift cards with chocolate chip cookies. Get over yourself and move along.
I think this is a good idea. People seem to have two problems with the charity donation. One is that you don't get to pick the charity - well, this problem is solved. The second is that it's "showy", but IDK, I think edible favors are kinda dumb. Like you want to give me a cookie to take home after you served me desert? I'd rather have $2 to donate to a charity. I think the OPs statement that a little bit of giving back with a lot of opulence is a good way to think about it.
Some things are opinions and some things are facts. You can dislike an idea, but you can't unequivocally state it's a bad idea like it's a fact. Your opinion is not a fact. And declaring to speak for a whole forum is pretty obnoxious. We're all individuals with various levels of tolerance for lots of things. One person does not speak for everybody.
Except: you're speaking for "everybody" when you say charity donations make better "favors" than baked goods. Not true! There are those of us who, if we are given favors at all, would rather have the cookies.
One other thing: It's a matter of etiquette, not opinion, that charity donations are not appropriate as favors. Etiquette isn't opinion.
It's not appropriate to tell anyone that you're doing anything at all with your money "in lieu of" giving them something, regardless of whether or not you think they want what you're not giving them or how much you think someone else deserves it.
It's also not appropriate to use any personal event as a shill, because it's treating your guests as a captive audience for a purpose that's unrelated to the reason why they're your guests. If you want to raise awareness or money for causes, more power to you -- but not at your wedding. That's not why your guests are there. If you want to do those things, then hold non-personal events that are clearly billed as fundraisers or awareness raisers and donate your own funds.
After 3 pages of this, I have to say I'm with @jen4948 and @LondonLisa. They have best explained why charity at a wedding doesn't work.
Back when I was, oh, 22 and totally clueless about etiquette, I went to a very fancy wedding where, on the place setting, I found a card that said a donation had been made to x charity "in lieu of favors." Even naive, little ole me knew something was off about that. I was like, why are they telling me this? Showing off with a beautiful dress and great food and a band is NOT the same as showing off how you give away your money to other organizations.
Saying oh, I would have given you something as a token of gratitude for coming to my wedding but I decided my money was better spent on charity... that's gross. (And unnecessary because the reception is already a thank you to guests for attending the wedding.) If you think token favors are a waste just don't do them!
Here's how our family responded to the cousin who announced before the wedding that "10% of all cash gifts will be donated to charity" then chose insanely expensive registry items at places over 2 hours drive from the majority of wedding guests. EVERYONE, including his parents, side-eyed him and he got a lot of empty cards (gifts are not a subpoena). Why - because charitable giving is a personal thing you do for personal reasons for causes you find to be worthy, not because you get a write-off (which is a joke of an excuse anyway) or worse, "LOOK AT ME!" syndrome. Favors are not mandatory at weddings. If you must spend that amount of money, do something like upgrade the entre' or get a larger slice of cake, your guests will appreciate it more. These companies that "Let guests choose from X number of charities to support" are an all-out scam when you run the hard numbers. Then take the administrative percentages many of these charities and then begets the question why would you waste your money like that. Many charities aren't really charities at all.
You want to make a charitable impact and feel good doing it, purchase a few dozen roses from your florist, get ready/dressed up early, take the roses yourself to your local nursing home with some $1 vases and hand them out to the residents to enjoy in their rooms. No one will side-eye you, you'll get the feels as frail residents tear up and wish you all the best, and you'll impact someone's day in a real way.
The etiquette question is really "Is it o.k. for me to gloat about charitable giving at my wedding like I'm a corporation giving a million dollar capital investment?" - the answer is NO! If most corporations do their large charitable donations/investments without one bit of PR, there's something to be learned about giving for publicity and giving for the right reasons.
I think this is a good idea. People seem to have two problems with the charity donation. One is that you don't get to pick the charity - well, this problem is solved. The second is that it's "showy", but IDK, I think edible favors are kinda dumb. Like you want to give me a cookie to take home after you served me desert? I'd rather have $2 to donate to a charity. I think the OPs statement that a little bit of giving back with a lot of opulence is a good way to think about it.
Some things are opinions and some things are facts. You can dislike an idea, but you can't unequivocally state it's a bad idea like it's a fact. Your opinion is not a fact. And declaring to speak for a whole forum is pretty obnoxious. We're all individuals with various levels of tolerance for lots of things. One person does not speak for everybody.
QFT.
Maybe this is why the boards are dying...people shut each other down with the unfailing truth of stickies (/sarcasm) instead of allowing for debate.
In the example @MesmrEwe gave, someone was using guests' money for a charity of their choice. Tacky to announce, agreed; it seems like a marketing ploy for 10% bigger gifts.
In OP's example, funds to be used toward charity were paid for by the bride and groom but directed by guests. I just don't see how saying "here's $10, give $8+ of it to the charity of your choice (minus fees)" is rude.
Maybe if you're a Christian you have beliefs based on the quoted verse (I'm not and don't), but I don't assume religiosity of my guests or friends, and I don't think etiquette should be dictated by a book that not everyone thinks is even relevant. I'd certainly never use a religious text in an argument with an internet stranger unless I knew their beliefs....that seems way more rude, IMHO.
I think this is a good idea. People seem to have two problems with the charity donation. One is that you don't get to pick the charity - well, this problem is solved. The second is that it's "showy", but IDK, I think edible favors are kinda dumb. Like you want to give me a cookie to take home after you served me desert? I'd rather have $2 to donate to a charity. I think the OPs statement that a little bit of giving back with a lot of opulence is a good way to think about it.
Some things are opinions and some things are facts. You can dislike an idea, but you can't unequivocally state it's a bad idea like it's a fact. Your opinion is not a fact. And declaring to speak for a whole forum is pretty obnoxious. We're all individuals with various levels of tolerance for lots of things. One person does not speak for everybody.
QFT.
Maybe this is why the boards are dying...people shut each other down with the unfailing truth of stickies (/sarcasm) instead of allowing for debate.
In the example @MesmrEwe gave, someone was using guests' money for a charity of their choice. Tacky to announce, agreed; it seems like a marketing ploy for 10% bigger gifts.
In OP's example, funds to be used toward charity were paid for by the bride and groom but directed by guests. I just don't see how saying "here's $10, give $8+ of it to the charity of your choice (minus fees)" is rude.
Maybe if you're a Christian you have beliefs based on the quoted verse (I'm not and don't), but I don't assume religiosity of my guests or friends, and I don't think etiquette should be dictated by a book that not everyone thinks is even relevant. I'd certainly never use a religious text in an argument with an internet stranger unless I knew their beliefs....that seems way more rude, IMHO.
The problems with expecting guests to pick charities for couples to donate to instead of donating one's own funds to charities of one's own choice have been outlined above.
If you want to "debate" every aspect of etiquette then you're setting up a slippery slope: Is there any act that's truly "rude" and shouldn't be done because "rudeness" is "just opinion"? If that's the case, then you could excuse just about any form of rudeness, like cash bars, PPDs, firing wedding party members, or treating them as your personal servants, because "in your opinion" you haven't been rude.
So I think etiquette goes beyond "opinion." Shocking as it may seem, while the impulse to be charitable to others is laudable, some forms of charitable giving are, indeed, rude, which include making an announcement that you are doing it "in lieu of" spending the money on your wedding guests (or for that matter, anything else). And giving the guests a "choice" of charities doesn't mitigate the rudeness. They didn't accept your wedding invitation to be told that you want to do something else with your money.
I think this is a good idea. People seem to have two problems with the charity donation. One is that you don't get to pick the charity - well, this problem is solved. The second is that it's "showy", but IDK, I think edible favors are kinda dumb. Like you want to give me a cookie to take home after you served me desert? I'd rather have $2 to donate to a charity. I think the OPs statement that a little bit of giving back with a lot of opulence is a good way to think about it.
Some things are opinions and some things are facts. You can dislike an idea, but you can't unequivocally state it's a bad idea like it's a fact. Your opinion is not a fact. And declaring to speak for a whole forum is pretty obnoxious. We're all individuals with various levels of tolerance for lots of things. One person does not speak for everybody.
QFT.
Maybe this is why the boards are dying...people shut each other down with the unfailing truth of stickies (/sarcasm) instead of allowing for debate.
In the example @MesmrEwe gave, someone was using guests' money for a charity of their choice. Tacky to announce, agreed; it seems like a marketing ploy for 10% bigger gifts.
In OP's example, funds to be used toward charity were paid for by the bride and groom but directed by guests. I just don't see how saying "here's $10, give $8+ of it to the charity of your choice (minus fees)" is rude.
Maybe if you're a Christian you have beliefs based on the quoted verse (I'm not and don't), but I don't assume religiosity of my guests or friends, and I don't think etiquette should be dictated by a book that not everyone thinks is even relevant. I'd certainly never use a religious text in an argument with an internet stranger unless I knew their beliefs....that seems way more rude, IMHO.
There are other, moreso administrative reasons the boards are dying AHEM TK hiding the community link on the main page AHEM not fixing simple issues like auto-logout, especially because even when the boards were MUCH harsher, they were booming with newbs and far more regs....but I understand the sentiment.
I think in the quest to seem minimalist, unique, self-promoting, and "for a cause", the charities as favors trend has millennials written all over it. But just because someone else does something doesn't mean that's evidence for it being ok.
Proclaiming that you're using X amount of money to donate to charity instead of whatever is tacky, self-promoting, and attention whorish (in my opinion, I guess). When is it ever ok to be like "well, I could have given you (insert unnecessary thing), but I gave $3 to Salvation Army instead"?
And why favors? They aren't necessary. What about other things that aren't necessary? Why not put a sign up at the bar that says "we would have provided alcohol, but we donated $X to charity" or "this sign is in lieu of a centerpiece - that money has been donated to charity" or "the money we would have spent on a DJ has been donated to charity, enjoy this playlist" or "see these plates? they're not as nice as the ones we could have afforded - the savings have been donated to charity" or "this is Costco sheet cake - we sent $X to charity instead of buying a fancy cake". Any guest would see that sign and be like "um, ok...nice I guess, but not sure why I need to know that?" at best and at worst "I am offended by that charity for XYZ reason."
OP's situation is not that different simply because she's passing out the equivalent of charity casino chips, which people can only cash in for feelings (whether "how nice!" or "ugh, I don't have time for this" or "I already donate to charity"). Her message is basically "I want everyone to know what a charitable person I am... AND FURTHER, I'm forcing your hand to donate $3 to the charity of your choice because I doubt you already do."
And to @LondonLisa's point, tiny donations are cost inefficient for charities and administratively burdensome to process, provide filing/tax write off/summary info for, etc.
So those are the reasons I think, in my opinion, that this is a bad idea.
I remember when I was in my 20s 10 years ago and I saw this and thought it was a nice idea.
Then I started to think more about it. I'm not against a couple who does this because they think they're going a good thing. And in general, those I see who have done this are couples who have lost an immediate family member and the donation benefits a cause near and dear to them. I appreciate that.
But in general I now have to agree that it's always "in lieu of favors" and not "In lieu of limos" or "in lieu of honeymoon". It's saying that you could have spent more money on your guests but opted not to.
Is this going to bother me like a cash bar does? Not in the least. But I don't think it's a thing to be lauded either.
I remember when I was in my 20s 10 years ago and I saw this and thought it was a nice idea.
Then I started to think more about it. I'm not against a couple who does this because they think they're going a good thing. And in general, those I see who have done this are couples who have lost an immediate family member and the donation benefits a cause near and dear to them. I appreciate that.
But in general I now have to agree that it's always "in lieu of favors" and not "In lieu of limos" or "in lieu of honeymoon". It's saying that you could have spent more money on your guests but opted not to.
Is this going to bother me like a cash bar does? Not in the least. But I don't think it's a thing to be lauded either.
It's the in lieu of other things that I don't like, but in this OP's case it wasn't in lieu of it was with other stuff. The one a couple weeks ago wanted to print cards saying they were making a donation in lieu of favors.
I looked into this company a little and they don't pass on the donation every time they get one. I think I read that donations are done on a quarterly basis, which erases the micro-donation complaint.
I remember when I was in my 20s 10 years ago and I saw this and thought it was a nice idea.
Then I started to think more about it. I'm not against a couple who does this because they think they're going a good thing. And in general, those I see who have done this are couples who have lost an immediate family member and the donation benefits a cause near and dear to them. I appreciate that.
But in general I now have to agree that it's always "in lieu of favors" and not "In lieu of limos" or "in lieu of honeymoon". It's saying that you could have spent more money on your guests but opted not to.
Is this going to bother me like a cash bar does? Not in the least. But I don't think it's a thing to be lauded either.
It's the in lieu of other things that I don't like, but in this OP's case it wasn't in lieu of it was with other stuff. The one a couple weeks ago wanted to print cards saying they were making a donation in lieu of favors.
I looked into this company a little and they don't pass on the donation every time they get one. I think I read that donations are done on a quarterly basis, which erases the micro-donation complaint.
Does the company donate all of the contributions? Or does it help itself to a cut the way honeyfunds do?
Does the company donate all of the contributions? Or does it help itself to a cut the way honeyfunds do?
They do keep part of it. I'm not saying this is a great idea. In fact, I think it's inappropriate for a wedding. It goes back into, if you spend money to give money, you're not very good with money and I get that. I'm just speaking to the micro-donation aspect of it.
I remember when I was in my 20s 10 years ago and I saw this and thought it was a nice idea.
Then I started to think more about it. I'm not against a couple who does this because they think they're going a good thing. And in general, those I see who have done this are couples who have lost an immediate family member and the donation benefits a cause near and dear to them. I appreciate that.
But in general I now have to agree that it's always "in lieu of favors" and not "In lieu of limos" or "in lieu of honeymoon". It's saying that you could have spent more money on your guests but opted not to.
Is this going to bother me like a cash bar does? Not in the least. But I don't think it's a thing to be lauded either.
It's the in lieu of other things that I don't like, but in this OP's case it wasn't in lieu of it was with other stuff. The one a couple weeks ago wanted to print cards saying they were making a donation in lieu of favors.
I looked into this company a little and they don't pass on the donation every time they get one. I think I read that donations are done on a quarterly basis, which erases the micro-donation complaint.
Does the company donate all of the contributions? Or does it help itself to a cut the way honeyfunds do?
Of course they keep a cut!!! They are a BUSINESS not a "charity". Also - not everyone has internet to choose from these 300 "charities" - no one has mentioned that aspect of the scam since the money is soaked into the "organization" if not used for a certain amount of time which is how they make their money (think gift/prepaid card fees, they bank on people NOT using and then losing them).
Does the company donate all of the contributions? Or does it help itself to a cut the way honeyfunds do?
They do keep part of it. I'm not saying this is a great idea. In fact, I think it's inappropriate for a wedding. It goes back into, if you spend money to give money, you're not very good with money and I get that. I'm just speaking to the micro-donation aspect of it.
If I really want to support the charity, I'd rather make a heartfelt donation of whatever amount I can afford directly to the charity. That way I know they get all of my donation and the portion that goes to these "collectors" can actually be spent directly on the cause rather than something else
Of course they keep a cut!!! They are a BUSINESS not a "charity". Also - not everyone has internet to choose from these 300 "charities" - no one has mentioned that aspect of the scam since the money is soaked into the "organization" if not used for a certain amount of time which is how they make their money (think gift/prepaid card fees, they bank on people NOT using and then losing them).
This is a really good point! I work for a company that often assumes all of our customers have internet access, and I feel like I'm constantly reminding my boss of that fact. There are way more people who don't have internet than is often assumed. I would hope that company had a phone number or something to call but my goodness listening to a list of 300 charities over the phone would be enough to make me just pick something so I could hang up!
I think this is a good idea. People seem to have two problems with the charity donation. One is that you don't get to pick the charity - well, this problem is solved. The second is that it's "showy", but IDK, I think edible favors are kinda dumb. Like you want to give me a cookie to take home after you served me desert? I'd rather have $2 to donate to a charity. I think the OPs statement that a little bit of giving back with a lot of opulence is a good way to think about it.
Some things are opinions and some things are facts. You can dislike an idea, but you can't unequivocally state it's a bad idea like it's a fact. Your opinion is not a fact. And declaring to speak for a whole forum is pretty obnoxious. We're all individuals with various levels of tolerance for lots of things. One person does not speak for everybody.
QFT.
Maybe this is why the boards are dying...people shut each other down with the unfailing truth of stickies (/sarcasm) instead of allowing for debate.
In the example @MesmrEwe gave, someone was using guests' money for a charity of their choice. Tacky to announce, agreed; it seems like a marketing ploy for 10% bigger gifts.
In OP's example, funds to be used toward charity were paid for by the bride and groom but directed by guests. I just don't see how saying "here's $10, give $8+ of it to the charity of your choice (minus fees)" is rude.
Maybe if you're a Christian you have beliefs based on the quoted verse (I'm not and don't), but I don't assume religiosity of my guests or friends, and I don't think etiquette should be dictated by a book that not everyone thinks is even relevant. I'd certainly never use a religious text in an argument with an internet stranger unless I knew their beliefs....that seems way more rude, IMHO.
Touché. I was out of line by quoting the Bible (I'm not Christian either). I had a challenging couple days at work and took my pissy mood out on OP.
ETA: I stand by my statement that there is nothing wrong with donating to charity instead of spending money on favors, but telling people about it is at best, tacky. But my delivery was worse.
OP and anyone else I may have offended, I apologize.
I went to a wedding where the B&G donated to a charity in our names. I didn't like that! I didn't want my name associated with that particular charity (b/c some charities are not actually doing what they say they do). If you want to donate, donate... do it in private. You don't have to announce that you did it.
Re: charity favors
For the umpteenth time, "popular" =/= "appropriate."
I don't think the OP gets charged unless the card is used. I'm not 100% on that though.
I'm wrong. The FAQ's say that you get an email whenever one is used. I would assume then that after a certain amount of time, the purchaser would be able to use those funds another way, but it doesn't say.
Some things are opinions and some things are facts. You can dislike an idea, but you can't unequivocally state it's a bad idea like it's a fact. Your opinion is not a fact. And declaring to speak for a whole forum is pretty obnoxious. We're all individuals with various levels of tolerance for lots of things. One person does not speak for everybody.
A wedding just doesn't seem like an appropriate time for it IMO.
Except: you're speaking for "everybody" when you say charity donations make better "favors" than baked goods. Not true! There are those of us who, if we are given favors at all, would rather have the cookies.
One other thing: It's a matter of etiquette, not opinion, that charity donations are not appropriate as favors. Etiquette isn't opinion.
It's not appropriate to tell anyone that you're doing anything at all with your money "in lieu of" giving them something, regardless of whether or not you think they want what you're not giving them or how much you think someone else deserves it.
It's also not appropriate to use any personal event as a shill, because it's treating your guests as a captive audience for a purpose that's unrelated to the reason why they're your guests. If you want to raise awareness or money for causes, more power to you -- but not at your wedding. That's not why your guests are there. If you want to do those things, then hold non-personal events that are clearly billed as fundraisers or awareness raisers and donate your own funds.
Back when I was, oh, 22 and totally clueless about etiquette, I went to a very fancy wedding where, on the place setting, I found a card that said a donation had been made to x charity "in lieu of favors." Even naive, little ole me knew something was off about that. I was like, why are they telling me this? Showing off with a beautiful dress and great food and a band is NOT the same as showing off how you give away your money to other organizations.
Saying oh, I would have given you something as a token of gratitude for coming to my wedding but I decided my money was better spent on charity... that's gross. (And unnecessary because the reception is already a thank you to guests for attending the wedding.) If you think token favors are a waste just don't do them!
You want to make a charitable impact and feel good doing it, purchase a few dozen roses from your florist, get ready/dressed up early, take the roses yourself to your local nursing home with some $1 vases and hand them out to the residents to enjoy in their rooms. No one will side-eye you, you'll get the feels as frail residents tear up and wish you all the best, and you'll impact someone's day in a real way.
The etiquette question is really "Is it o.k. for me to gloat about charitable giving at my wedding like I'm a corporation giving a million dollar capital investment?" - the answer is NO! If most corporations do their large charitable donations/investments without one bit of PR, there's something to be learned about giving for publicity and giving for the right reasons.
QFT.
Maybe this is why the boards are dying...people shut each other down with the unfailing truth of stickies (/sarcasm) instead of allowing for debate.
In the example @MesmrEwe gave, someone was using guests' money for a charity of their choice. Tacky to announce, agreed; it seems like a marketing ploy for 10% bigger gifts.
In OP's example, funds to be used toward charity were paid for by the bride and groom but directed by guests. I just don't see how saying "here's $10, give $8+ of it to the charity of your choice (minus fees)" is rude.
Maybe if you're a Christian you have beliefs based on the quoted verse (I'm not and don't), but I don't assume religiosity of my guests or friends, and I don't think etiquette should be dictated by a book that not everyone thinks is even relevant. I'd certainly never use a religious text in an argument with an internet stranger unless I knew their beliefs....that seems way more rude, IMHO.
The problems with expecting guests to pick charities for couples to donate to instead of donating one's own funds to charities of one's own choice have been outlined above.
If you want to "debate" every aspect of etiquette then you're setting up a slippery slope: Is there any act that's truly "rude" and shouldn't be done because "rudeness" is "just opinion"? If that's the case, then you could excuse just about any form of rudeness, like cash bars, PPDs, firing wedding party members, or treating them as your personal servants, because "in your opinion" you haven't been rude.
So I think etiquette goes beyond "opinion." Shocking as it may seem, while the impulse to be charitable to others is laudable, some forms of charitable giving are, indeed, rude, which include making an announcement that you are doing it "in lieu of" spending the money on your wedding guests (or for that matter, anything else). And giving the guests a "choice" of charities doesn't mitigate the rudeness. They didn't accept your wedding invitation to be told that you want to do something else with your money.
There are other, moreso administrative reasons the boards are dying AHEM TK hiding the community link on the main page AHEM not fixing simple issues like auto-logout, especially because even when the boards were MUCH harsher, they were booming with newbs and far more regs....but I understand the sentiment.
I think in the quest to seem minimalist, unique, self-promoting, and "for a cause", the charities as favors trend has millennials written all over it. But just because someone else does something doesn't mean that's evidence for it being ok.
Proclaiming that you're using X amount of money to donate to charity instead of whatever is tacky, self-promoting, and attention whorish (in my opinion, I guess). When is it ever ok to be like "well, I could have given you (insert unnecessary thing), but I gave $3 to Salvation Army instead"?
And why favors? They aren't necessary. What about other things that aren't necessary? Why not put a sign up at the bar that says "we would have provided alcohol, but we donated $X to charity" or "this sign is in lieu of a centerpiece - that money has been donated to charity" or "the money we would have spent on a DJ has been donated to charity, enjoy this playlist" or "see these plates? they're not as nice as the ones we could have afforded - the savings have been donated to charity" or "this is Costco sheet cake - we sent $X to charity instead of buying a fancy cake". Any guest would see that sign and be like "um, ok...nice I guess, but not sure why I need to know that?" at best and at worst "I am offended by that charity for XYZ reason."
OP's situation is not that different simply because she's passing out the equivalent of charity casino chips, which people can only cash in for feelings (whether "how nice!" or "ugh, I don't have time for this" or "I already donate to charity"). Her message is basically "I want everyone to know what a charitable person I am... AND FURTHER, I'm forcing your hand to donate $3 to the charity of your choice because I doubt you already do."
And to @LondonLisa's point, tiny donations are cost inefficient for charities and administratively burdensome to process, provide filing/tax write off/summary info for, etc.
So those are the reasons I think, in my opinion, that this is a bad idea.
Then I started to think more about it. I'm not against a couple who does this because they think they're going a good thing. And in general, those I see who have done this are couples who have lost an immediate family member and the donation benefits a cause near and dear to them. I appreciate that.
But in general I now have to agree that it's always "in lieu of favors" and not "In lieu of limos" or "in lieu of honeymoon". It's saying that you could have spent more money on your guests but opted not to.
Is this going to bother me like a cash bar does? Not in the least. But I don't think it's a thing to be lauded either.
It's the in lieu of other things that I don't like, but in this OP's case it wasn't in lieu of it was with other stuff. The one a couple weeks ago wanted to print cards saying they were making a donation in lieu of favors.
I looked into this company a little and they don't pass on the donation every time they get one. I think I read that donations are done on a quarterly basis, which erases the micro-donation complaint.
Does the company donate all of the contributions? Or does it help itself to a cut the way honeyfunds do?
They do keep part of it. I'm not saying this is a great idea. In fact, I think it's inappropriate for a wedding. It goes back into, if you spend money to give money, you're not very good with money and I get that. I'm just speaking to the micro-donation aspect of it.
Of course they keep a cut!!! They are a BUSINESS not a "charity". Also - not everyone has internet to choose from these 300 "charities" - no one has mentioned that aspect of the scam since the money is soaked into the "organization" if not used for a certain amount of time which is how they make their money (think gift/prepaid card fees, they bank on people NOT using and then losing them).
If I really want to support the charity, I'd rather make a heartfelt donation of whatever amount I can afford directly to the charity. That way I know they get all of my donation and the portion that goes to these "collectors" can actually be spent directly on the cause rather than something else
This is a really good point! I work for a company that often assumes all of our customers have internet access, and I feel like I'm constantly reminding my boss of that fact. There are way more people who don't have internet than is often assumed. I would hope that company had a phone number or something to call but my goodness listening to a list of 300 charities over the phone would be enough to make me just pick something so I could hang up!
Touché. I was out of line by quoting the Bible (I'm not Christian either). I had a challenging couple days at work and took my pissy mood out on OP.
ETA: I stand by my statement that there is nothing wrong with donating to charity instead of spending money on favors, but telling people about it is at best, tacky. But my delivery was worse.
OP and anyone else I may have offended, I apologize.