Earn cash as you plan. Get a $20 gift card for every 200 points with The Knot Rewards
Wedding Etiquette Forum
![[Deleted User]](/)
[Deleted User]
member
FMIL Shower Problem
So my mother and FMIL are hosting my bridal shower since no one else offered. My FMIL and FSIL are flying out for 10 days to help my mom since they live out of state now. When I emailed the guest list for the shower to both moms, my FMIL asked why certain women (some of her friends that we are not close with) weren't on the list. I kindly explained to her that I would like it only to be women I have a relationship with and know/have met. She said ok but a day later sent me a nasty email saying that she can't let me be rude to her friends and that I need to learn a little humility and that it's not always about me. She also said that since she's co-hosting that this is her time to share it with her friends. To put things in perspective, there are NO women coming from "my" side that I have known less than 10 years. I still invited a few women that are friends with my FMIL that I know or have spent time with but the women she wanted added I wouldn't even recognize on the street. I explained to her that I wanted it to be an intimate affair since I will be opening up gifts such as lingerie and don't want to feel embarrassed in front of strangers. She still insisted I invite them and I just gave in. I am still extremely upset about the ordeal and invites have not been mailed yet. Is it too late to say something?
Re: FMIL Shower Problem
Will all these women be willing to fly out for a bridal shower? Perhaps your MIL just wants them invited to feel included.
I will agree, however that as the co-host, she knows how much time, trouble and cost she wants to devote to the shower. I think everyone has seen lingerie. If you don't want to feel embarrassed, tell your mom to pass the word that you prefer not to receive that as a gift. Who besides your most intimate and personal friends and family would gift that to you, anyway?
Agreed. I was SO relieved that no one bought me lingerie for my shower, even though mine was super intimate and only had 7 very close guests. You can tell both your mother and FMIL to let the guests know this as part of a compromise.
As for your FMIL's friends, apologize to your FMIL. A joint shower essentially means that it's probably not all that intimate. You're having women from both sides and FMIL gets to pick some guests since as co-hostess, they are HER guests.
In some circles, it's really common to invite the friends of the MOB and MOG to the shower. Think of this as an opportunity to get to know some of the women on your guest list.
I met my MIL's closest friends at my shower. I'm so glad I did. It was a wonderful experience to see people who were so excited to see my joining the family.
How do you know you will be getting lingerie as shower gifts? If you don't register for lingerie, I would think your guests will stick with traditional items.
Did she speak to you directly or is it possible that you're inferring incorrect tone in her email?
Your FMIL 's feelings were hurt. Of course you wouldn't have a 10 yr relationship with her friends.
Apologize for the misunderstanding and tell her you appreciate all she's doing as hostess. This is not the time I would try to assert myself as blameless. Even if she possibly stepped on toes, move on from here.
If your FMIL had no involvement in planning or hosting the shower, I'd say she was being unreasonable by asking for these women to be invited. But since she is as involved as she is, I don't think it's ridiculous for her to have some say in the guest list (though I do think she should pay for them if she's going to insist). That said, if she was indeed nasty to you, that was uncalled for, and if something like that has happened before or keeps happening now, you should address it with your FI.
A shower is a gift, not an entitlement. You can't dictate the terms if the gift. You can either accept or decline it.
Calm down with the hyperbole about needing intimate and deep connections in order to attend. It's a party where you open blenders and toasters, not the delivery room.
Recognise it isn't always about you- your FMIL is flying in and wants to spend her limited time with her friends at an event she is paying for. That's completely fair.
I suggest you apologise and graciously accept these women. You say you were polite to her, but it really doesn't sound like it, as you didn't even think about it from her perspective.
If this is OP's worst "ordeal" that life has to offer, I'd be kicking up my heels!
Then she gets to my gift. She opens the bag and looks inside. Her face turns beet red and she gasps. She drops the bag and put her hands over her mouth in horror.
Her mom: What did you give her?! A dildo?
Me: Condoms.
Yup. My friend was more embarrassed by the practical gift of condoms than by her mom giving her edible underwear.
This is what I am always reminded of whenever someone gets weird about the idea of opening up lingerie in front of shower guests. THEY KNOW WHAT GOES ON DURING THE HONEYMOON. There's no big state secret here. They've seen lingerie before. They've even probably -- gasp! -- worn it themselves.
Your FMIL has graciously offered to co-host a bridal shower for you and is even flying in to help in the days leading up to. Let her invite her friends. JFC.
So I do understand your feelings, but this is an event she's hosting, these women are invited to the wedding, so I wouldn't take this as her doing anything wrong, this is pretty typical, and her feelings were probably hurt when you told her you didn't want them there. Sure she could have responded differently, but she was hurt. Apologize for saying you didn't want her friends, hopefully she apologizes for hurting your feelings with them email. Whether she does or doesn't it's best to smooth this over, she's your FIs mother and will be in your lives and this probably isn't how you want to start off that relationship.
I have to laugh when someone young is scandalized by opening lingerie in front of others if they think it's that intimate.
That said, I nearly died laughing at the shower of DH's cousin's wife. We all gave presents and one gift she got was a little black lace number. As DH's cousin walked in to greet his bride his mother, the MOG got up and said, "Hey!!! What do you think?!?" as she held the little nightie to her and bounced around. It was HYSTERICAL. And he yelled, "But that's my MOOOOM!" And we all laughed. The jig was up. MOG also had 9 kids. I don't think she needed to be told how it all works. And that little black nightie probably took a year to be worn.
You're going to, presumably, be spending the rest of your life with this person as your family. You need to apologize for your misstep, explain that you didn't realize that it was proper for the host to have the ability to invite people.
Did she forget to use exclamation points, smiley faces, and positive emojis?
You're right. Two wrongs DO make it right. Totally play your bride card and punish her even though she's going WAY out of her way for you. Not passive aggressive at all...
I see both sides of this. OP, feel free to be hurt over how she spoke to you. You are the guest of honor and to a certain extent the guest of honor should have some say over events thrown in their honor. I would want a small, intimate bridal shower too. However, I agree with Charlotte here- she is the hostess, she's having an event, and these women are invited to the wedding so etiquette-wise it's all clear. Be upset, have a margarita, take some cleansing breaths, and take the advice of apologizing and move on. Let it be water under the bridge. Make the best of it and get to know some of these friends.
FWIW I just had my baby shower. There were women there I don't know, but my MIL was the main hostess. They were so kind and generous and it was very nice chit-chatting with them. They care enough to come- be happy about that kind of thing, KWIM?
(That said, I also wont wear lingerie I bought to wear with my exes around H. It just doesn't set the right mood/mindset for me.)
Agreed! I actually rarely see lingerie at a typical bridal shower. With that said, I've been to a "lingerie shower", where lingerie is supposed to be the gift. It was a small shower with a close group of friends and a few family members. It was also held right before the bachelorette party, which was a more mellow "going out to dinner" thing. A lingerie shower is not the kind of shower I would particularly want but, as a guest, it was a funny one to attend.
This.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
I will always remember the one bachelorette party I attended where older female relatives of the bride and groom were invited. The grandmother of the groom and her daughter, an aunt of the groom, were sitting together at a table. One of the games was a madlibs that had the potential of being dirty that was passed around and everyone filled in a few words. I will never forget overhearing the aunt looking over the grandmother's shoulder and exclaiming, "MOM! That's naughty!" as the grandmother filled it out. Did I mention that the grandmother had been a pastor's wife for decades before her husband died?
Everyone knows what's going to happen and I don't think too much of it. Sure, it's a little awkward, but everyone just laughs it off. It's kind of like when I got "bottom tea" herbs and nipple cream at my baby shower. Everyone knows you need/use that stuff even if it's weird to talk about!
Back in the old days, it was traditional for the MOB to give a white peignoir set. We were all eagerly awaiting a coworker's shower because the MOB was given to bawdy humor. The bride was opposite of her mom and was nervous about opening that gift. MOB ramped it up by hinting it was something she should wear to bed, it was really hot etc... She put off MOBs gift till last, hoping the older guests would leave. The gift turned out to be a full length, high necked, heavy flannel nightgown. No one expected that from this mom. The bride was so relieved, she laughed and cried at the same time. It was hilarious.
I wonder why she spoke to you so harshly. Do you think she may have thought you were rude to her? You should smooth things over with an apology because your FMIL is actually doing a very nice thing for you.
I received a pale peach colored set from my mom. She followed that up by a pair of Dr. Denton's. I doubt anyone even knows about those anymore!