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Intro and FSIL/F(ex)BIL Question

CarrieJo04CarrieJo04 member
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in Wedding Party
Hello! First I wanted to introduce myself. I am getting married in September to the most amazing man I have ever met. We have been together 3 years and cannot wait to tie the knot. He's so sweet, funny, kind, etc. But enough about him! I have been lurking for over a year now while planning, but never needed to post because I always found a discussion that answered my questions. Thank you all, by the way, for all of the unintentional answers :smile:

Over the last 3-4 weeks we found out that FI's sister and BIL are getting divorced. We don't know a ton of details, but we know it's not pretty (the cops have been called a few times). We have repeatedly told his sister that if there is anything we can do to let us know. We only live about 10 minutes away and are always more than happy to take their kids for a night. 

They (FSIL, F(soon to be ex)BIL, and kids) are in our wedding party, but today FI's sister asked him what we want to do about the wedding. This had crossed our minds earlier, but we decided to wait and see where everything falls later. She wants to know asap. Of course we still want her and the kids in our wedding, but we aren't too keen on keeping her husband in it. We understand the consequences of asking him to not be apart of the wedding, but the way he has been treating FSIL and the rest of the family truly makes us not want him there. Is there a tactful way of going about this? Does FI tell FSIL just to wait? I don't want her thinking that we are "taking his side" because we definitely are not. What are your suggestions? 


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Re: Intro and FSIL/F(ex)BIL Question

  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
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    CJo04 said:

    Hello! First I wanted to introduce myself. I am getting married in September to the most amazing man I have ever met. We have been together 3 years and cannot wait to tie the knot. He's so sweet, funny, kind, etc. But enough about him! I have been lurking for over a year now while planning, but never needed to post because I always found a discussion that answered my questions. Thank you all, by the way, for all of the unintentional answers :smile:

    Over the last 3-4 weeks we found out that FI's sister and BIL are getting divorced. We don't know a ton of details, but we know it's not pretty (the cops have been called a few times). We have repeatedly told his sister that if there is anything we can do to let us know. We only live about 10 minutes away and are always more than happy to take their kids for a night. 

    They (FSIL, F(soon to be ex)BIL, and kids) are in our wedding party, but today FI's sister asked him what we want to do about the wedding. This had crossed our minds earlier, but we decided to wait and see where everything falls later. She wants to know asap. Of course we still want her and the kids in our wedding, but we aren't too keen on keeping her husband in it. We understand the consequences of asking him to not be apart of the wedding, but the way he has been treating FSIL and the rest of the family truly makes us not want him there. Is there a tactful way of going about this? Does FI tell FSIL just to wait? I don't want her thinking that we are "taking his side" because we definitely are not. What are your suggestions? 




    Let her lead on this one. Assuming there's not a chance they reconcile you probably aren't worried about maintaining the relationship with him. I thinks it's fine to ask him to no longer be in the wedding party, as long as that's what FSIL wants. 
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  • CarrieJo04CarrieJo04 member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper First Anniversary
    Thank you three! We will just hang tight for now.

    If the divorce proceeds we will have the conversation like you suggested @southernbelle0915. He has not paid for anything yet, FI and I put the deposits down for all of the tuxes so that won't be an issue. 
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  • SP29SP29 member
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    I would tell FSIL that if the divorce proceeds, you will ask F(ex)BIL to stand down. I agree to take your cues from your FSIL, but I would be careful about doing anything too hasty in case something should change and they reconcile (you never know, crazier things have happened).
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
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    SP29 said:

    I would tell FSIL that if the divorce proceeds, you will ask F(ex)BIL to stand down. I agree to take your cues from your FSIL, but I would be careful about doing anything too hasty in case something should change and they reconcile (you never know, crazier things have happened).


    Yes!  My sister and her now ex-husband reconciled two days before my wedding!
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
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  • ahoyweddingahoywedding member
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    Ditto PPs; follow the lead of your FSIL. If they're getting divorced, he may assume he's no longer in the wedding or may not want to be in the wedding anymore, so it's likely he could take it well (or be relieved!). Also give your FSIL a little breathing room and maybe some leeway as you finalize wedding plans, since her marriage is ending as yours is starting. She may not be as excited as you two are, but try & be supportive!
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  • CarrieJo04CarrieJo04 member
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    CMGragain said:



    SP29 said:


    I would tell FSIL that if the divorce proceeds, you will ask F(ex)BIL to stand down. I agree to take your cues from your FSIL, but I would be careful about doing anything too hasty in case something should change and they reconcile (you never know, crazier things have happened).




    Yes!  My sister and her now ex-husband reconciled two days before my wedding!

    I feel like there had to be a good story to this! And he is her ex now? 

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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
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    edited June 2017
    He was a total jerk.  She was "in love"!  After she worked for four years to put him though college, he decided he wanted to be a drug dealer and told her he was tired of being married.  She moved back in with Mom, just as I was planning my wedding.  Mom paid for the lawyer.  The paperwork was final.  All he had to do was sign.  The next thing I heard was that they were back together again.  He showed up at my wedding high.   He moved in with Mom, the Queen of Denial.
    Two years later, sister was pregnant.  At nine months, she found out he was having an affair with the woman she thought was her "best friend".  He demanded a divorce.  This time it went through.  Best thing that ever happened to my sister.
    Jerk has been married and divorced four times.  His last marriage lasted two weeks and was annulled.  Sister remarried and has been quietly content for 30+ years.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
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  • CarrieJo04CarrieJo04 member
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    aurianna said:






    CJo04 said:




    Thanks again everyone! Just to update, about 10 minutes ago FI received a call from his BIL. The call was to let us know he no longer wanted to be in our wedding and wish us luck because "married life ain't all it's cracked up to be." FI thanked him for letting us know. (The sass in me wished FI thanked him for his words of wisdom too, but FI is better at thinking before speaking than I am.)











    I started off reading this thinking, "well good on him for realizing what might be an awkward situation for you and alleviating the pressure."
    I ended reading it thinking "what a dick."


    That's the point I was at too.

    I knew it wasn't good (the divorce), but over the weekend we found out that he's been bad mouthing FSIL to their kids and posting crappy things about her on facebook, but hiding them from all of her/our family.... unfortunately for him he forgot to hide it from a distant aunt and she called FMIL about it. 
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  • CarrieJo04CarrieJo04 member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper First Anniversary

    CMGragain said:

    He was a total jerk.  She was "in love"!  After she worked for four years to put him though college, he decided he wanted to be a drug dealer and told her he was tired of being married.  She moved back in with Mom, just as I was planning my wedding.  Mom paid for the lawyer.  The paperwork was final.  All he had to do was sign.  The next thing I heard was that they were back together again.  He showed up at my wedding high.   He moved in with Mom, the Queen of Denial.
    Two years later, sister was pregnant.  At nine months, she found out he was having an affair with the woman she thought was her "best friend".  He demanded a divorce.  This time it went through.  Best thing that ever happened to my sister.
    Jerk has been married and divorced four times.  His last marriage lasted two weeks and was annulled.  Sister remarried and has been quietly content for 30+ years.



    Oh my, I'm sorry your sister had to go through all of that! Thankfully it sounds like life turned around for her! I'm hoping that it gets better for FSIL after all is said and done. 
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  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom member
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    CJo04 said:

    Thanks again everyone! Just to update, about 10 minutes ago FI received a call from his BIL. The call was to let us know he no longer wanted to be in our wedding and wish us luck because "married life ain't all it's cracked up to be." FI thanked him for letting us know. (The sass in me wished FI thanked him for his words of wisdom too, but FI is better at thinking before speaking than I am.)





    Sounds like you dodged a bullet there. I hope for your FSIL's and the kids' sake that they don't reconcile.

    Stick around, we're here to help with anything that might come up.
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    CarrieJo04 said:




    aurianna said:








    CJo04 said:





    Thanks again everyone! Just to update, about 10 minutes ago FI received a call from his BIL. The call was to let us know he no longer wanted to be in our wedding and wish us luck because "married life ain't all it's cracked up to be." FI thanked him for letting us know. (The sass in me wished FI thanked him for his words of wisdom too, but FI is better at thinking before speaking than I am.)













    I started off reading this thinking, "well good on him for realizing what might be an awkward situation for you and alleviating the pressure."
    I ended reading it thinking "what a dick."



    That's the point I was at too.

    I knew it wasn't good (the divorce), but over the weekend we found out that he's been bad mouthing FSIL to their kids and posting crappy things about her on facebook, but hiding them from all of her/our family.... unfortunately for him he forgot to hide it from a distant aunt and she called FMIL about it. 


    I find that especially ragey.  I'm sure he sees it as "getting back at her"...but he is doing it at the expense of his own children's well being.  Disgusting.

    One of my all time favorite Judge Judy quotes, "Don't hate your ex, more than you love your children."  (Yes, I'm a daytime court show addict!).

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  • ahoyweddingahoywedding member
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    I have nothing else to add, but my goodness it sounds like your FSIL will be glad to be rid of him! I'm sorry that you and your family are going through this!
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  • CarrieJo04CarrieJo04 member
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    Thank you all, I appreciate your kindness and help! 

    And @short+sassy that is the best Judge Judy quote I've ever heard!

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