Mother of the bride responsibilities

Re: Mother of the bride responsibilities

• JaxInBlue member

  

  June 2017

  Who is paying for your wedding? Paying = having a say.  If your parents, FI's parents, your great-aunt Martha, or anyone else are contributing money to wedding expenses, they get a say based on how it is spent.  So if your mom is spending money on your wedding, she's allowed to have choices and opinions and to have the expectation that her choices and opinions reflected in the final decision.
  
  If that means having a wedding you don't like, you either need to decline and return her money or keep the money and make your peace with the decisions.
  
  If your mom isn't contributing money, then you have more options.  You can stop talking about the wedding with her and when you asks about specific decisions or ideas, you can give non-committal, no-detail responses.  You can ask her opinion on only those things were you are not invested in the outcome so that you can incorporate her ideas or opinions without getting upset.  Similarly, you can ask her to make the decisions on something(s) you don't mind ceding to another party.  For example, do you not have a centerpiece preference?  Let your mom work with the venue on that choice.
  
  Additionally, if you feel like any of the things your mom wants to do are not etiquette approved or are becoming outdated traditions), if you post here about the issue (for example, having a wedding party only head table or a post-ceremony gap), posters here can help you come up with the language and examples to explain why something isn't done anymore.
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  

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• CMGragain member

  

  June 2017 edited June 2017

  
  
  
  

  Knottie6c004c7e49243e76 said:

  
  
  
  

  So...I really need advice on my mom..we have always been very close.. best friend close..and I am the only child which probably makes a difference..  but lately I want nothing to do with her.. 
  
  She is the MOB of course and I have included her in everything I can from this point. 
  My fiance and I got engaged in December and since Christmas... this whole wedding thing has been a complete nightmare for me.
  It started with the bridal extravaganza... and me inviting the MOG. My mom got super upset and jealous that it wasn't  OUR day as mother and daughter. Since then though.. we have booked a venue which is all included so it includes Dj, centerpieces, linens,  plate ware, catering and bar. Which my mom and I looked at together and booked together. We have also picked my dress which I didn't even want to do yet but wasn't an option for me. I have forwarded her emails to and from photographers and gotten her input and I booked a photogapher. It been pretty stress free overall besides the fact of my mom putting added pressure. 
  Any suggestions I or.my fiance have are "terrible" ideas. She outs us down and picks fights. 
  We are getting married in march and I am dreading the next few months.. 
  
  What exactly more should I do to make her feel involved but understand this isn't her wedding and her telling us what we are going to do is not ok.. I have tried different methods of.communication and nothing works.. 
  
  Any suggestions would be appreciated 
  
  Thanks ♡ 
  

  
  
  
  

   
  
  
  Unless your Mom is paying for your wedding, stop talking about it with her.  Your Mom does not need to be "involved" with your wedding.  Order her a nice corsage, and have her seated as the MOB just before the ceremony.  That is all you need to do.  Your Mom will not magically change into a different person just because it is your wedding.
  Lots of brides have families that are difficult.  I shopped for my dress alone and planned my entire wedding without my mother's input.  It was fine.
  

  

  

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• MairePoppy Connecticut mod

  

  June 2017

  
  

  CMGragain said:

  
  

  
  
  
  
  

  Knottie6c004c7e49243e76 said:

  
  
  
  
  

  So...I really need advice on my mom..we have always been very close.. best friend close..and I am the only child which probably makes a difference..  but lately I want nothing to do with her.. 
  
  She is the MOB of course and I have included her in everything I can from this point. 
  My fiance and I got engaged in December and since Christmas... this whole wedding thing has been a complete nightmare for me.
  It started with the bridal extravaganza... and me inviting the MOG. My mom got super upset and jealous that it wasn't  OUR day as mother and daughter. Since then though.. we have booked a venue which is all included so it includes Dj, centerpieces, linens,  plate ware, catering and bar. Which my mom and I looked at together and booked together. We have also picked my dress which I didn't even want to do yet but wasn't an option for me. I have forwarded her emails to and from photographers and gotten her input and I booked a photogapher. It been pretty stress free overall besides the fact of my mom putting added pressure. 
  Any suggestions I or.my fiance have are "terrible" ideas. She outs us down and picks fights. 
  We are getting married in march and I am dreading the next few months.. 
  
  What exactly more should I do to make her feel involved but understand this isn't her wedding and her telling us what we are going to do is not ok.. I have tried different methods of.communication and nothing works.. 
  
  Any suggestions would be appreciated 
  
  Thanks ♡ 
  

  
  
  
  
  

   
  
  
  
  Unless your Mom is paying for your wedding, stop talking about it with her.  Your Mom does not need to be "involved" with your wedding.  Order her a nice corsage, and have her seated as the MOB just before the ceremony.  That is all you need to do.  Your Mom will not magically change into a different person just because it is your wedding.
  Lots of brides have families that are difficult.  I shopped for my dress alone and planned my entire wedding without my mother's input.  It was fine.
  

  
  

  
  CMcGragain, usually I would agree with your bolded, but this knottie#s is telling us that she and her mom are 'best friend close.' Cutting mom out will hurt the bride, as well. 
  
  Knottie#s, I think you need to have a serious talk with your mom. Just you and her. Let her know that she is your best friend and when she criticizes your ideas, it really hurts. Tell her you want her support and you don't want your relationship ruined over a party. I hope she listens. 
   
  I agree with pps, if mom is paying for the wedding, you'll have to defer to her on budget related issues.  

                     

  

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• southernbelle0915 mod

  

  June 2017

  If she's your best friend, can you have a heart to heart with her? Tell her you are starting to feel overwhelmed by her negativity. Tell her that her comments and approach have made wedding planning not fun. Tell her that it has literally made you dread the next few months. Remind her that, at the end of the day, this is a party. Then be sure to tell her how she could do things differently. 
  
  If you do not feel you can have that conversation, or if you have that conversation and it is unproductive... I would consider the following: If your mom is not paying, you can discontinue talking to her about wedding details. If your mom is paying, you need to include her on anything she's paying for. If she's giving you a lump sum but it's not covering the total cost of the wedding, then let her know you're using her contribution toward XYZ (e.g. photographer, venue, dress). Then THOSE are the things she can be involved in and you are not obligated to discuss other things (e.g. cake, centerpieces, flowers, favors) with her. That will at least decrease the burden of having her involved in every little detail.
  

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• jaztastic member

  

  June 2017

  If you and your mother have the relationship you say you do, a true heart to heart conversation is what is needed. You need to be honest (but not mean/rude) and vocalize how you feel. There maybe some hurt feelings, so prepare yourself.  

  

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• CMGragain member

  

  June 2017

  OP, I am curious.  What kind of suggestions have you made that your Mom thinks are "terrible ideas"?  I don't know, but maybe she is right?
  

  

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• flantastic The Midwest member

  

  June 2017

  What on earth is a "bridal extravaganza"? Do you mean shopping for your wedding dress?
  

  

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• charlotte989875 member

  

  June 2017

  
  

  flantastic said:

  
  

  What on earth is a "bridal extravaganza"? Do you mean shopping for your wedding dress?
  

  
  

  
  I think one of those bridal expos, usually held in a large hotel or convention center that brings in all different area vendors, often has giveaways or discounts if you book from that event. 

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• VerizonGirl member

  

  July 2017

  Agree with the suggestion to have a convo with your mom, but I will suggest that you talk to your OFFICIANT about these issues, have HIM/HER schedule the meeting with you and your mom, and let HIM/HER lead the discussion.  It was my experience that mom is much less likely to speak up, dismiss, belittle, be angry, etc. when it's an OFFICIANT who is about the SAME AGE as mom.
  
  

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• climbingsingle NYC 'burbs member

  

  July 2017

  VerizonGirl said:

  Agree with the suggestion to have a convo with your mom, but I will suggest that you talk to your OFFICIANT about these issues, have HIM/HER schedule the meeting with you and your mom, and let HIM/HER lead the discussion.  It was my experience that mom is much less likely to speak up, dismiss, belittle, be angry, etc. when it's an OFFICIANT who is about the SAME AGE as mom.
  
  

  Why would you get the officiant involved? This makes no sense. OP's mom was upset the MOG was invited to look at dresses. This is not something you get your officiant involved in. OP's mom was also criticizing her ideas - again, this is not something you involve your officiant in. 

  

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• banana468 member

  

  July 2017

  climbingwife said:

  VerizonGirl said:

  Agree with the suggestion to have a convo with your mom, but I will suggest that you talk to your OFFICIANT about these issues, have HIM/HER schedule the meeting with you and your mom, and let HIM/HER lead the discussion.  It was my experience that mom is much less likely to speak up, dismiss, belittle, be angry, etc. when it's an OFFICIANT who is about the SAME AGE as mom.
  
  

  Why would you get the officiant involved? This makes no sense. OP's mom was upset the MOG was invited to look at dresses. This is not something you get your officiant involved in. OP's mom was also criticizing her ideas - again, this is not something you involve your officiant in. 

  I think @VerizonGirl is either the same or the reincarnation of @kristan789.   Her posts make Sarah Huckabee Sanders look like a progressive liberal. 

  

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• InLoveInQueens member

  

  July 2017 edited July 2017

  banana468 said:

  climbingwife said:

  VerizonGirl said:

  Agree with the suggestion to have a convo with your mom, but I will suggest that you talk to your OFFICIANT about these issues, have HIM/HER schedule the meeting with you and your mom, and let HIM/HER lead the discussion.  It was my experience that mom is much less likely to speak up, dismiss, belittle, be angry, etc. when it's an OFFICIANT who is about the SAME AGE as mom.
  
  

  Why would you get the officiant involved? This makes no sense. OP's mom was upset the MOG was invited to look at dresses. This is not something you get your officiant involved in. OP's mom was also criticizing her ideas - again, this is not something you involve your officiant in. 

  I think @VerizonGirl is either the same or the reincarnation of @kristan789.   Her posts make Sarah Huckabee Sanders look like a progressive liberal. 

  I keep running into her on every forums I've been browsing and the more of her comments I read the less I understand what she's trying to say. Something about how if you give a wedding gift you're promising the recipient your advice and help in their marriage and the honeymoon starts as soon as the reception ends so fuck running errands, you need to be married. And this...
  
  Edit Oh I forgot, apparently the MOH and BM in "certain families/cultures" aren't positions of honor, they turn into marriage counselors and have to host events or have getaways and be available to give the newlyweds tips on being married because reasons. My brain hurts and it's making me sad now.

  

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• banana468 member

  

  July 2017

  I honestly don't think she's real.   I think she's a troll.   She surfaces every now and then, posts something that makes minimal sense, and then never comes back when it's pointed out how dumb here posts may be. 
  
  
  

  

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• sparklepants41 member

  

  July 2017

  VerizonGirl said:

  Agree with the suggestion to have a convo with your mom, but I will suggest that you talk to your OFFICIANT about these issues, have HIM/HER schedule the meeting with you and your mom, and let HIM/HER lead the discussion.  It was my experience that mom is much less likely to speak up, dismiss, belittle, be angry, etc. when it's an OFFICIANT who is about the SAME AGE as mom.
  
  

  This makes zero sense at all. Involving one's officiant in the situations OP is describing? Nope. Bizarre. 
  
  Also, our officiant was my H's sister. Who is nearly 20 years younger than either of my parents, and about 30 years younger than H's (and her) parents. 
  
  
  

  

  

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• southernbelle0915 mod

  

  July 2017

  banana468 said:

  I honestly don't think she's real.   I think she's a troll.   She surfaces every now and then, posts something that makes minimal sense, and then never comes back when it's pointed out how dumb here posts may be. 
  
  
  

  Agreed. And it kind of makes me feel bad for Verizon....

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• zitiqueen member

  

  August 2017

  banana468 said:

  I honestly don't think she's real.   I think she's a troll.   She surfaces every now and then, posts something that makes minimal sense, and then never comes back when it's pointed out how dumb here posts may be. 
  
  
  

  Kristen789 was the same exact way. God, she was just so ridiculous. 

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