Earn cash as you plan. Get a $20 gift card for every 200 points with The Knot Rewards
Wedding Etiquette Forum
apresmoi
member
How to charitably word reminders to my parents to rsvp to the wedding?
Hey guys, I'm in a particularly sticky dilemma here. There's a LOT of backstory to it, but long story short, I need advice on wording a reminder to my parents and family to rsvp to my upcoming nuptial Mass.
My fiance and I are dirt poor, so we used evite for our invitations. So, while I know my mother and aunt have viewed the evite, my father hasn't. None of them have rsvp'd or even acknowledged that it is happening; the logic box here is that my father lives in a tenuous house of cards, and he simply ignores the existence of any event or fact that threatens to topple it. And my wedding definitely falls in that category.
Yep, I know, it's not even a bit normal, and that's why I want to BE the normal person and remind them, instead of agreeing to cooperate with their alternative reality.
BUT it's very, very important to me that when I remind them, that I do so in completely kind and charitable terms. It's also very important to me that I DO act as a normal person would (by reminding them to rsvp), instead of cooperating with their behavior.
Ideas?
ETA: The wedding is this Saturday!
My fiance and I are dirt poor, so we used evite for our invitations. So, while I know my mother and aunt have viewed the evite, my father hasn't. None of them have rsvp'd or even acknowledged that it is happening; the logic box here is that my father lives in a tenuous house of cards, and he simply ignores the existence of any event or fact that threatens to topple it. And my wedding definitely falls in that category.
Yep, I know, it's not even a bit normal, and that's why I want to BE the normal person and remind them, instead of agreeing to cooperate with their alternative reality.
BUT it's very, very important to me that when I remind them, that I do so in completely kind and charitable terms. It's also very important to me that I DO act as a normal person would (by reminding them to rsvp), instead of cooperating with their behavior.
Ideas?
ETA: The wedding is this Saturday!
Re: How to charitably word reminders to my parents to rsvp to the wedding?
I'm confused. You're getting married in less than a week and you haven't reached out for missing RSVPs before now? When does your caterer need the final headcount? What was your RSVP deadline?
OK, it is too late for you to send proper wedding invitations. I hope lurking brides read your post because this is an example of why evite wedding invitations are a bad idea. (Vistaprint is incredibly cheap and does a great job.) This was a mistake on your part. Don't blame it on your guests.
Since your wedding is on Saturday, you should have telephoned everyone who did not respond to your invitation and asked them if they are going to attend. This is your responsibility, so get going now! Even brides who send out paper invitations have to make a few calls if they want an accurate head count.
H and I didn't use evite and we had plenty of guests we needed to follow up with once the rsvp date passed. Just Call/text whoever is outstanding.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/erica-laudon/evites-paperless-and-emai_b_4892576.html
Even the notoriously liberal and "modern" Emily Post Institute says that email invitations are not appropriate for a wedding.
Is it rude? No. Is it a good idea? No. I really can't blame guests for not taking it seriously.
This. Don't overthink it.
I'm sorry you're having this anxiety right before your wedding. You may have some people who will RSVP yes and no-show and some people who will not RSVP and then show up. Make your best guess based on previous behavior and plan your hosting accordingly.
Talking. Not that hard.
All of this. They're are who they are and your wedding isn't going to change that, no matter how much you want it to. You're making this harder for yourself. They don't need to respond to the evite or even respond online, call them up, tell them the date, and ask if they're coming.
We are not having a reception. Nor did it occur to me to have a deadline. :-/
So, you've only invited people to witness you getting married, and nothing after? Not even cake or punch?
You have to host these people. You can't just invite people to the ceremony and then just peace out and leave. That's incredibly rude.
Heh, that's actually perfect. I definitely was overthinking it. Thanks!
So people are just coming to the ceremony and then leaving? No no no no no.
You need to host SOMETHING. If that means a $15 Costco cake and a couple two liters of lemonade in the church lobby/basement for a non-meal time event, then do that.
Welp. You posted this on an etiquette board on the interwebs, so posters are well within reason to point out that what you are doing is rude.
So, if you are so concerned with being polite, you should make sure that philosophy applies not only to your wording, but to your hosting as well.
Also, to the second bolded: your attitude is fantastic.
Why didn't you have a deadline? In your parents' defense, they aren't tardy in rsvp'ing.
Ditto PP that you have to at least have a Costco sheetcake and punch, or veggie trays and wrap platters, or pizzas (depending on the time of day). A headcount to know how much food to have and how to do a seating chart are the two biggest reasons you need an rsvp. If there isn't a reception why do you even need to know who's coming?
This. Why does it matter who is coming? You're not feeding them so who cares how many people are sitting in the seats?
This is what I suspected. There is absolutely no excuse for doing
this! This is so horribly rude, no wonder you haven't received replies!
Bake a cake and serve it with coffee and punch in the church hall. You greet your guests, thank them for coming to your ceremony, and offer them refreshments. This is what a reception IS. It is not too late for you to fix this. Just how many guests have you evited to this etiquette fiasco?
Just because you are "dirt poor" is no excuse for being so horribly rude to your guests! Poor people can be just as polite as wealthy people. Good manners are free. If you cannot have a cake and coffee, tea and punch, then you cannot afford to invite any guests! Lots of brides are on a very tight budget, and they manage to be polite to their guests. I am disgusted with your attitude. Honestly, if one of my children did this, I would not attend, and everybody knows how much I care about my kids.
A cake and punch wedding can be lovely, cheap and polite.
Plus if there is no deadline, how can they be late with the RSVP? Technically they can RSVP up to the last minute.
@apremoi, please do not start a new post asking for a charitable and polite way to inform ceremony guests that you do not plan on hosting something after your ceremony. You can start with something along this line....
You don't have to have a 5 course dinner, but you do have to host SOMETHING. Even if you just take everyone out for tea and cake. There is no polite way to invite people to a wedding and then chuck them out at the end of the ceremony, regardless of how 'broke' you say you are. Especially if they have travelled.
As PPs have said, it is not too late for you to put a sweet & simple reception together, even if the wedding is only three days away. Don't let the wedding industrial complex fool you into thinking receptions need to be lavish grand events in a ballroom.
Guest count: Have you gotten all your guests' responses now?
Venue: Does your church allow the use of its basement or hall after wedding ceremonies? If not, can all your guests fit in your home with a spot to sit? If not, is there a park nearby that will allow you to bring some chairs & tables?
Refreshments: What time will your ceremony end? If it will be mid-afternoon, all you need to do is pick up a sheet cake big enough to serve everyone and have enough tea/coffee/water on-hand. If it will be at a mealtime, you'll need enough food to constitute a meal, but this can be done inexpensively. The budget board will have more ideas.
When the mass is over, have the officiant announce the reception details.
You do not need decor or music or dancing or toasts or alcohol, just enough seats and enough food.
And yeah, you need to host some kind of reception. It's so inappropriate to invite people and then just be all, "Ok, see ya later!" immediately after.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
OP says that her mother & aunt haven't acknowledged that the wedding is happening and that this event will topple her father's life(?), so I think the dynamic is more complex than that.
Still no excuse to not have a reception!
Probably from a lack of nourishment?