Earn cash as you plan. Get a $20 gift card for every 200 points with The Knot Rewards
Wedding Etiquette Forum
penguinpop
member
Why do people keep inviting themselves?
Goodness! we have 3 people who have invited themselves to the rehearsal dinner who are not relatives, are not in the wedding party, and live in-town. 2 of them are relatives of a cousin's boyfriend who just assumed they were invited, and the other is a friend of a cousin who told us they were inviting themselves because they don't like to miss a party and they thought it sounded fun.
There have been 2 people who are distant relatives who have not been in contact with the family at all for over a decade and just moved to town and they invited themselves to the wedding. The first one MIL decided it would avert an awkward situation by just giving them an invite to the wedding, against future hubby's wishes, and now their sister who moved here a few months later (who we barely know, but we do know from past experience that she lies and steals and we don't trust her, and we had to hide our purses/valuables when she came over) and she creeps me out a lot, automatically assumed she was coming to the bridal shower which is this week, and the wedding. She was texting MIL about what time it was. MIL decided she will not answer her but I think she is just going to find out from her sister and show up anyway.
What on earth is wrong with people?
There have been 2 people who are distant relatives who have not been in contact with the family at all for over a decade and just moved to town and they invited themselves to the wedding. The first one MIL decided it would avert an awkward situation by just giving them an invite to the wedding, against future hubby's wishes, and now their sister who moved here a few months later (who we barely know, but we do know from past experience that she lies and steals and we don't trust her, and we had to hide our purses/valuables when she came over) and she creeps me out a lot, automatically assumed she was coming to the bridal shower which is this week, and the wedding. She was texting MIL about what time it was. MIL decided she will not answer her but I think she is just going to find out from her sister and show up anyway.
What on earth is wrong with people?
Re: Why do people keep inviting themselves?
This isn't coming from me talking about my wedding, it's from FI's cousins who have taken it upon themselves to inform my MIL (this is not my side of the family) and MIL doesn't want to push back on these assertive people when they tell her they are coming.
Your MIL needs to learn that phrase, then. It's 100% rude for people to be inviting themselves to an event that they're not paying for and the RD isn't the place for them to be joining in anyway.
Talk to your FI about the importance of talking to his mother about being assertive and using the language above.
If nobody starts being assertive now, you're going to have an RSVP / hosting issue on your hands. Which would you all rather deal with- pushy people up front, or pushy people who show up needing extra meals someone has to pay for?
My MIL has a direct communication and "no" problem too. She verbally invited a bunch of people to our wedding - even after we told her we weren't inviting those people. She had to correct it. Awkward for her, but she made that bed.
I would just say that you're not required to micro manage conversations that other people have. You'll need to be clear with VIPs who is and who isn't invited to the wedding so that they don't put their foot in their mouth. If they do, well, it's their mess to clean.
We had this with people's kids but I feel like that happens a lot when people think their kids are invited but aren't. We had someone ask "will there be a separate kids table so my kids can sit with other kids or will they be sitting with us?" I had to tell them (nicely) their kids weren't invited.
I hate when guests think they call the shots. NEWSFLASH: it's not your damn wedding!
One particular person was an issue. We invited two of stepmothers nieces who are sisters (who we regularly talk to, have went out with outside of family events, etc.), but did not invite the third sister (who neither of us had ever had a conversation with even at family gatherings). These people are are all late twenties to early thirties, so all adults. Apparently she complained to basically everyone from that family that was invited, as we got multiple questions as to if her invitation has been lost and why she wasn't invited when her sisters were. We finally just said fine she can come. After all of that, she did not end up showing up to the wedding
Yep! I went ahead and invited one of the people who made a fuss about it and they they didn't show. It's like they really don't care about going, just about being invited.
exactly. People just want invites to, like, feel important or something.
I would NEVER assume I am invited to anybody's event, let alone a wedding of somebody I barely know! My daughter got married last weekend and her now MIL and FIL heard I was getting married in three months and asked if they were invited since we are all family now. I have only meet these people once and don't anticipate seeing a lot of them, why would I put them on my guest list?!?!? They got the the silent, blank stare and got the hint but from now on, I'm going to be cut throat.
This is OUR big day and we are very particular about the people and energy we want around us. We refuse to let ourselves be stressed out worrying about how some people might act or other people feeling some kind of way about how we are doing things; this is our wedding and we get to choose everything! I am blessed my fiance is more cutthroat then I am when it comes to being firm on this; he has been 100% involved in planning our wedding and doesn't want it to be spoiled by selfish people. This is not the time to cave in to what others want; they should be respectfully of the wishes of the bride and groom.
If you want a more tactful answer, "We're still working on our guest list."
Are you ok?
From your post, this is how I picture you responding to people who ask about your wedding:
You know you can just say "Unfortunately, we couldn't invite everyone we wanted" or "we're keeping it small" or "we aren't sure yet, we'll see how planning goes". You don't have to be meet rudeness with rudeness or be "cut throat"....lol! You seem to be majorly teetering on bridezilla territory.
I had a few.
Also, the "this is OUR big day and we are very particular about the people and energy we want around us" logic is used by couples to justify NOT inviting significant others so make sure you are adhering to proper etiquette when it comes to SOs.
Agree with PP's 'tude being an issue, but what if none of those suggestions apply? If you tell someone "We're keeping it small" and then they hear about your 200-person wedding, or "We haven't finalized the guest list" and the wedding's a month away, they'll know you're lying.
Although I guess "We couldn't invite everyone we wanted" would work as a white lie even if you don't actually want them there lol.
I had one. We ended up including her because she threatened to just show up and wait for us (we got married at City Hall). We would probably have invited her anyway, she's my best friend since we were ~10, so it wasn't as off-putting as it sounds. But still, it's rude.
We had one person/couple ask if they were invited. We invited my second cousin, but not his parents. My cousin asked us if his parents were invited, as they just wanted to know regarding making vacation plans for the next year. I simply told him no, and that was that.
This is not the time for mixed signals or hoping someone will get a gentle hint; things should be crystal clear from the beginning. Nobody needs the added stress of tiptoeing around people or avoiding them because they choose to be rude and try and invite themselves. Their feelings may get hurt but they will get over it; if not, that's on them if they want to play the victim card.
And for the life of me, I don't see why people get bent out of shape if they aren't invited! I have another coworker who got married a few months ago; he is having a small reception and didn't invite me or two others in our small group but invited my boss because they are good friends outside of work. I didn't bat an eye (nor did the other two) and yes I did extend an invitation to him and his wife to my wedding (along with other coworkers) and he accepted. You don't know the choices that go into making someone's guest list and frankly, its not anyone's business; if they want you to be there, you will get an invitation, if they don't or can't (for whatever reason) you won't get one. But asking if you are getting one is just the height of discourtesy to me.
P.S. Etiquette regarding Significant Others is being followed. :-)
This. You can't use your approach indiscriminately if you want maintain relationships or not to make life difficult for others you hope maintain relationships with.
Wanting to help someone celebrate a wedding... who doesn't want to do that? But if they haven't extended an invitation to you, that means they don't want (or can't have) you with them when they celebrate. It is not about what everybody else wants to do, it is about what the bride and groom want to do, are willing to do or can afford to do.
But just because someone is rude, doesn't mean you in turn have to be rude back. Is this really the way you live your life - tit for tat? If someone asks, just be polite and firm. Saying "NO" and walking away sounds like something an immature child would do.
I'm not saying you're nasty when you say "no". But saying "no" and then turning around and walking away is rude and immature, and not decisive. It's pretty obvious you don't know how to handle yourself graciously in certain situations. Good luck to you.
SERIOUSLY?!?! Because we disagree on a point you call me rude, immature and say I can't be gracious?!?! You have made it apparently clear we have completely different opinions on what is gracious as I consider this comment to be completely rude!! You don't know me and there was no call for you to say this!!
Yes, your behavior, as you described it in your own words is rude and immature. You're here ranting and raving. You clearly don't know how to handle a situation with grace.
It's really not, this is a board to discuss etiquette issues that arise when it comes to weddings (or etiquette in general). This isn't a hug-box, there are plenty of other forums for ranting and complaining. People come here for advice, not coddling.