Am I just free accommodation?

Australian_girl_in_Paris · June 2017

So I have a quite good very old friend who contacted me to say could she come and stay with us; we live in Paris so this happens a lot, on her European travels. She's coming next week.

She has then told me that she won't be coming to our wedding no real explanation why (I know you don't have to get one but would have been nice!). And I was talking to her just today and she's talked about all the things she's going to do in Paris whilst she's here without my FI and me. Normally wouldn't bother me but I'm kinda annoyed. You have the funds to come to Europe but chose to come at another time from the wedding (I know it could be that she couldn't get time off in September and can now) and I'm beginning to think she just wants to use us as a free place to stay!! I'm so annoyed she's one of my oldest friends!

OurWildKingdom · June 2017

I would be annoyed if I were in your shoes. That's at the very least odd behavior, if not rude.

I don't have any advice, but I can see how that would hurt.

ei34 · June 2017

I hate houseguests. We're in NYC (outerborough, but a half hour train ride into "the city") and I get lots of requests to crash on the couch. Nope.

Your friend is free to travel at a time most convenient for her (who knows what her work schedule is like? Her personal life/responsibilities at home?). I'm sorry that you feel hurt though- especially from one of your oldest friends. You should share with her that you feel used.

InLoveInQueens · June 2017

eileenrob said:

I hate houseguests. We're in NYC (outerborough, but a half hour train ride into "the city") and I get lots of requests to crash on the couch. Nope.

Your friend is free to travel at a time most convenient for her (who knows what her work schedule is like? Her personal life/responsibilities at home?). I'm sorry that you feel hurt though- especially from one of your oldest friends. You should share with her that you feel used.

Same! For the first time in a while friends coming to NYC didn't ask to crash with me when they came to visit/for a convention. Though that might be because the con was in Bklyn and I live in Queens (if you couldn't guess from my username :P)

I have the smallest of apartments, there's no room for you!

ei34 · June 2017

InLoveInQueens said:

eileenrob said:

I hate houseguests. We're in NYC (outerborough, but a half hour train ride into "the city") and I get lots of requests to crash on the couch. Nope.

Your friend is free to travel at a time most convenient for her (who knows what her work schedule is like? Her personal life/responsibilities at home?). I'm sorry that you feel hurt though- especially from one of your oldest friends. You should share with her that you feel used.

Same! For the first time in a while friends coming to NYC didn't ask to crash with me when they came to visit/for a convention. Though that might be because the con was in Bklyn and I live in Queens (if you couldn't guess from my username :P)

I have the smallest of apartments, there's no room for you!

Yes I know you're in Queens

I am too. To be fair, I got a lot more requests when I was single (and then married) living in Forest Hills. Now we're in northeast Queens and although our home is a nice size, the three toddlers deter most people.
Ugh yeah Bklyn-Qns travel sucks!

kahluakoala · June 2017

Australian_girl_in_Paris said:

So I have a quite good very old friend who contacted me to say could she come and stay with us; we live in Paris so this happens a lot, on her European travels. She's coming next week.

She has then told me that she won't be coming to our wedding no real explanation why (I know you don't have to get one but would have been nice!). And I was talking to her just today and she's talked about all the things she's going to do in Paris whilst she's here without my FI and me. Normally wouldn't bother me but I'm kinda annoyed. You have the funds to come to Europe but chose to come at another time from the wedding (I know it could be that she couldn't get time off in September and can now) and I'm beginning to think she just wants to use us as a free place to stay!! I'm so annoyed she's one of my oldest friends!

Yeah, if I were your friend, I'd be saying something like, "I'm so sorry I can't make it in September, it's a busy time at work/flights are more expensive/my kids are in school, but I'm so happy I get to celebrate with you and your FI when I'm in town next week!" Like, she is free to travel whenever she wants for whatever reason, but if she's a good friend she should still be letting you know that she knows you have a major important life changing event coming up and she wanted to be there, yk?

southernbelle0915 · June 2017

It seems she does just want to stay with you for this vacation.

I would be a little bummed we couldn't spend more time together, but not offended or like she was "using me for my house" or something. So this is more of a sightseeing trip vs. a friend visit. Cool. It sounds like y'all are spending some time together, right?

I mean the alternative is that your good friend books a trip to Paris and just books a hotel and tells you about her plans that don't include you. Which is more hurtful?

Australian_girl_in_Paris · June 2017

I know that she's probably not doing any of it to hurt me.
But she seems to have avoided the question of the wedding the few times I've brought it up with her.
Also, she lived in Europe for two years (the Hauge) and has travelled extensively here. Semester at University in Germany, and a few trips back. Plus the trips she's on now also includes a bunch of other places so it's not sight-seeing at all. She catching up with friends the whole time she's here.
I could be just going over the top a bit because it's 97 degrees here at 23h so the heat might also be getting to me.

missfrodo · June 2017

Australian_girl_in_Paris said:

I know that she's probably not doing any of it to hurt me.
But she seems to have avoided the question of the wedding the few times I've brought it up with her.
Also, she lived in Europe for two years (the Hauge) and has travelled extensively here. Semester at University in Germany, and a few trips back. Plus the trips she's on now also includes a bunch of other places so it's not sight-seeing at all. She catching up with friends the whole time she's here.
I could be just going over the top a bit because it's 97 degrees here at 23h so the heat might also be getting to me.

I agree that it must not feel good to have your fried basically use you as a free hotel while she vacations. I get if she wanted to come visit you and said, "Hey I can visit you for xyz dates but only if I stay with you, is that okay?" Instead of saying, "Hey I need a place to stay for a couple days, sorry I won't have time to hang out with you though." I think I'd be a little hurt that she was going to be staying with me but didn't prioritize hanging out with me at all. I guess it depends on her personality, and what your relationship is usually like. If all she does is crash at your place while making arrangements to visit other people, that would be pretty crappy. If this is a one-time thing, and she doesn't normally use your home like this, I'd try not to be too offended by it. On the other hand, if she lives very far away and this is the only time you'll get to see her in years, I'd hope she'd make the effort to at least book a dinner date or something with you to catch up.

MobKaz · June 2017

missfrodo said:

Australian_girl_in_Paris said:

I know that she's probably not doing any of it to hurt me.
But she seems to have avoided the question of the wedding the few times I've brought it up with her.
Also, she lived in Europe for two years (the Hauge) and has travelled extensively here. Semester at University in Germany, and a few trips back. Plus the trips she's on now also includes a bunch of other places so it's not sight-seeing at all. She catching up with friends the whole time she's here.
I could be just going over the top a bit because it's 97 degrees here at 23h so the heat might also be getting to me.

I agree that it must not feel good to have your fried basically use you as a free hotel while she vacations. I get if she wanted to come visit you and said, "Hey I can visit you for xyz dates but only if I stay with you, is that okay?" Instead of saying, "Hey I need a place to stay for a couple days, sorry I won't have time to hang out with you though." I think I'd be a little hurt that she was going to be staying with me but didn't prioritize hanging out with me at all. I guess it depends on her personality, and what your relationship is usually like. If all she does is crash at your place while making arrangements to visit other people, that would be pretty crappy. If this is a one-time thing, and she doesn't normally use your home like this, I'd try not to be too offended by it. On the other hand, if she lives very far away and this is the only time you'll get to see her in years, I'd hope she'd make the effort to at least book a dinner date or something with you to catch up.

I would understand if friend had several people she was trying to visit with on this trip. However, at the very least, I would hope that she would say she is reserving one day/evening to treat you to dinner to thank you for your hospitality and catch up with you.

I cannot imagine crashing at someone's home and not showing some sort of tangible appreciation.

southernbelle0915 · June 2017

Australian_girl_in_Paris said:

I know that she's probably not doing any of it to hurt me.
But she seems to have avoided the question of the wedding the few times I've brought it up with her.
Also, she lived in Europe for two years (the Hauge) and has travelled extensively here. Semester at University in Germany, and a few trips back. Plus the trips she's on now also includes a bunch of other places so it's not sight-seeing at all. She catching up with friends the whole time she's here.
I could be just going over the top a bit because it's 97 degrees here at 23h so the heat might also be getting to me.

And it sounds like you are one of them. She may have other things planned, yes. It doesn't sound (to me anyway) like she's treating you as an airbnb...she just wants to see other people too.

It sounds like there are lots of other people she can stay with, so she's probably wanting to stay with you to spend additional time with you. At least that's how I'd look at it.

Honestly, it seems like you're hurt she's not coming to the wedding and you wish her trip was just to have friend time with you. It's ok to feel that, but IMO it's a little over the top to say "well if you aren't hanging out with me 100% of the time you're here, you can't stay with me" KWIM? If you do that, it sounds like she'll be like "uhhh alright then....I'll just stay with someone else I'm visiting here."

charlotte989875 · June 2017

I lived in lower Manhattan for years and I would get super annoyed with people just looking for a free place to stay in the city. I loved having friends visit and I was happy to let them stay but it can feel like people are using you for your location. I stopped saying yes to people I wasn't really close to (also I hate having people in my tiny space that are just acquaintances). But if a friend didn't at least want to have a dinner with me I'd be hurt. But I also couldn't drop everything any time someone came to town I sill had work and obligations so I didn't want to spend 100% of the time with out of towners.

Australian_girl_in_Paris · June 2017

So she is going to hang out with us a bit. I think its more that she's coming two months out from the wedding. I'm kinda annoyed that she didn't prioritise the wedding of one of her oldest friends - I think I've known her for like 30 years. I don't know why she's coming now and not to the wedding because she's super quiet whenever I sort of talk about it.

I would have at least liked her to say like KahluaKoala said hey sorry I can't make it because XYZ but I'm coming this time can I stay. I think mostly because she's coming so close to the wedding.

Also, I know that this is a bit irrational so I'm telling you guys and not her.

flantastic · June 2017

Australian_girl_in_Paris said:

So she is going to hang out with us a bit. I think its more that she's coming two months out from the wedding. I'm kinda annoyed that she didn't prioritise the wedding of one of her oldest friends - I think I've known her for like 30 years. I don't know why she's coming now and not to the wedding because she's super quiet whenever I sort of talk about it.

I would have at least liked her to say like KahluaKoala said hey sorry I can't make it because XYZ but I'm coming this time can I stay. I think mostly because she's coming so close to the wedding.

Also, I know that this is a bit irrational so I'm telling you guys and not her.

I mean, weddings are important life events for your friends. Good to be there if at all possible. But they also take up a lot of time. I'm sure she'll get to see far more of you on this trip than at your wedding, and quite possibly much more of any friends who may not be invited to your wedding.

If I were going to spend the time and money to travel to Paris and had a lot of friends in Paris, I would want to come when I could actually see them.

thisismynickname2 · June 2017

flantastic said:

I mean, weddings are important life events for your friends. Good to be there if at all possible. But they also take up a lot of time. I'm sure she'll get to see far more of you on this trip than at your wedding, and quite possibly much more of any friends who may not be invited to your wedding.

If I were going to spend the time and money to travel to Paris and had a lot of friends in Paris, I would want to come when I could actually see them.

I fully agree with this.

However, one thing I didn't quite get from the post- did she ASK if she could stay with you? Or did she TELL you she was coming and expected to stay? That difference is a huge deal to me personally.
One of my friends is historically maybe a little too generous, and it got her to the point where people just assume they can crash with her at any given time. Fine for our early twenties, not fine now! One of our mutual friends expects to crash (with her own husband) for an entire weekend. They're 30-somethings with professional jobs and frankly there's no excuse for them not getting a hotel. Don't cheap out and take advantage of your friend's hospitality. So this friend finally put her foot down and said she and her own husband would barely be around that weekend but would be more than happy to meet them for dinner one night...hint hint.

Australian_girl_in_Paris · June 2017

So Update!!

So the last time my friend visited a few years ago she happened to meet my FI's cousin and they go along well.

Well the weekend just past we were at a family event where we saw him and I mentioned that she was coming and that perhaps we could all do something. To my great surprise he said 'yeah I know I'm seeing her on Sunday night.'

Am I crazy that, that seem supper shady? That she would be meeting up with the cousin of my FI and not have mentioned it at all?? To be faire maybe it got organised whilst she's been travelling and she'll mention it to me after she arrives but in that case its more weird that she hasn't been in contact with me to organise anything.

Just seems a bit weird.

Should I tell her that he (the cousin) has been leaving broken heart all over paris?

southernbelle0915 · June 2017

Australian_girl_in_Paris said:

So Update!!

So the last time my friend visited a few years ago she happened to meet my FI's cousin and they go along well.

Well the weekend just past we were at a family event where we saw him and I mentioned that she was coming and that perhaps we could all do something. To my great surprise he said 'yeah I know I'm seeing her on Sunday night.'

Am I crazy that, that seem supper shady? That she would be meeting up with the cousin of my FI and not have mentioned it at all?? To be faire maybe it got organised whilst she's been travelling and she'll mention it to me after she arrives but in that case its more weird that she hasn't been in contact with me to organise anything.

Just seems a bit weird.

Should I tell her that he (the cousin) has been leaving broken heart all over paris?

You seem to be acting a little jealous and controlling of this friend. She doesn't owe you a day by day, hour by hour itinerary for her trip. You knew she was seeing "some friends" other than you. So no, I do not think it's shady that one of those people is someone she hit it off with last time she was there.

A normal reaction to "one of my closest, oldest friends could potentially be very hurt by a guy because XYZ, should I tell her?" is YES, you should tell her. The fact that you're even questioning that makes me seriously wonder if you're actually worried about her well-being or if you're jealous she's spending time with other people.

missJeanLouise · June 2017

No way would I tell her. She is seeing a dude one night during a vacation. It's not like she is moving to be with him. Let her have her fling.

Australian_girl_in_Paris · June 2017

I honestly don't care if she see's other people. And it's not just some guy - it's my FI cousin with whom he and I are really close.

If I was going to visit her and see her cousin I would tell her - 'hey I'm going to see your cousin on X day'

It's strange to have a fling with a guy technically in my family (tobe) and not say anything. If she wants to hook up with anyone I'm all about it, she can do as she pleases but it's just a bit odd in this instance to sort of do it behind my/our back.

It's just that I have no idea what's she's planning to do whilst she's here she's arriving on Wednesday and I haven't heard from her in almost a month but she's clearly worked out her hooking up whilst she's here.

Ok, so I'm clearly bringing out (her's and my) past friendship into this trip. I haven't and don't intend to say anything about any of it to her. This was just for me to rant but all its done is make me feel shitty so never mind.

STARMOON44 · June 2017

Australian_girl_in_Paris said:

So Update!!

So the last time my friend visited a few years ago she happened to meet my FI's cousin and they go along well.

Well the weekend just past we were at a family event where we saw him and I mentioned that she was coming and that perhaps we could all do something. To my great surprise he said 'yeah I know I'm seeing her on Sunday night.'

Am I crazy that, that seem supper shady? That she would be meeting up with the cousin of my FI and not have mentioned it at all?? To be faire maybe it got organised whilst she's been travelling and she'll mention it to me after she arrives but in that case its more weird that she hasn't been in contact with me to organise anything.

Just seems a bit weird.

Should I tell her that he (the cousin) has been leaving broken heart all over paris?

How is this shady? Like, at all? She's staying with you, spending time with you, and also seeing other people including, apparently, a guy she's into. Good for her. And good for you. I hate having houseguests who expect me to hang with them all the time and entertain them. I gotta job?

ei34 · June 2017

The only thing worse than a houseguest is a houseguest that has no plans made and expects to be with me at all times/wants me to entertain them. What's shady about having plans?? And hanging out with the cousin sounds like a hookup- I wouldn't go out of my way to share that until maybe right before I went to meet him?

LondonLisa · June 2017

It seems a tad like this friend cannot make a right move in your eyes. It's a bit like you are angry that she isn't coming to the wedding so everything she is doing is frustrating you. Maybe she can't come to your wedding because she lives in Australia and you chose to get married in France. You can't be cross when you have a long-distance wedding that people cannot make it. You need to work under the assumption that no one can come from Australia to France, and then be pleasantly surprised with those that do. That is part of the choice of having a wedding far away.

When I am a houseguest, I try to stay out of the way as much as possible. I will let my hosts know my plans and let them know they are more than welcome to join, but I will definitely try to stay out of their hair. Most of the time they have to work, or need to get things done so it is just being a good houseguest to plan a few nights out to give the hosts a break. Of course she should take you to dinner etc to thank you.

If it is one of your oldest friends, why don't you say something like 'Oh, I haven't been to Notre Dame in ages, mind if I join you?' or just be direct: 'Friend, I know you have some things to do and people to see, but I would love to get some one on one time in your diary so we can catch up. What works with your schedule?'

southernbelle0915 · June 2017

OH MY GOD. You are making a mountain out of a molehill. You are borrowing trouble. You are creating a storm and preparing to get upset when it rains.

Here's the attitude you adopt for this visit: "I am so excited for one of my closest, oldest friends to come visit me. I understand she's only here for a short time and wants to see lots of people, so I'll talk to her about choosing a couple of 'friend dates' to earmark time together. If I think she's in danger of being hurt, I will give her a heads up. Otherwise, I'm looking forward to having fun together."

BOOM. DONE. Now seriously, staaaaahhhhpppp creating a drama tornado. You're letting yourself get sucked in and consumed by it.
Image result for let it go gif

charlotte989875 · June 2017

How do we get from she's made plans with him for dinner/an evening to their obviously hooking up and she's got s thing for him? Seems like a leap to me. Even if she does want a one-nighter she's and adult who can make her own choices.

I agre with @LondonLisa that it sounds like you're just looking for ways to be annoyed with her. She's traveling, she'll probably fill you in on the details, and if she's anything like me and my friends she probably doesn't want to overstay her welcome or be too much of a burden on you and is trying to plan things outside of the apartment so she's not bothering you/monopolizing your time. You also said she used to live in Europe or travel there quite a bit? She probably can't make this trip often and wants to see as many people as she can.

If you want a specific dinner/time/event with her why are you waiting for her to plan it? Friendships are two-way streets and if you want something to happen, arrange it with her.

flantastic · June 2017

You don't own your FI's cousin. Obviously they have been communicating since the last time they met and are now friends independently - she didn't need to clear it with you, mention it to you, or have you set up a meeting just because you happen to be close to this person and have introduced them. It's not in any way shady.

If you are concerned about your friend, you are welcome to mention how cousin operates, but I really don't think it's an issue. She knows she's only there for a limited time. Only if she's at your apartment talking about the LDR she sees would it become something where you may want to lower her expectations. Beyond that, I think she's a grownup and fine.

ahoywedding · June 2017

Yikes. At first I was on your side like, yeah that's a shitty thing to do. I have a friend who thinks she can stay with us any time, and even asked about bringing a date to our house when I also had a friend in town (we said no).

But honestly, it does seem like you're kind of just looking for ways to be salty with your friend. Can't you ask her what her plans are or tell her you hope to spend some time together while she's in town? I do understand being a little bummed she's coming now and not for your wedding, but an invitation is not a summons, and people are free to travel when & where works best for them. My uncle didn't come to our wedding because his girlfriend wanted to go "somewhere warmer" and apparently the southeast US isn't on the way to anywhere warm *sarcasm.* They took a vacation a few hours away from us like the week after the wedding. I said nothing.

Talk to your friend! But in the meantime, cut her a little slack if you want to maintain that relationship.

sparklepants41 · June 2017

Australian_girl_in_Paris said:

I honestly don't care if she see's other people. And it's not just some guy - it's my FI cousin with whom he and I are really close.

If I was going to visit her and see her cousin I would tell her - 'hey I'm going to see your cousin on X day'

It's strange to have a fling with a guy technically in my family (tobe) and not say anything. If she wants to hook up with anyone I'm all about it, she can do as she pleases but it's just a bit odd in this instance to sort of do it behind my/our back.

It's just that I have no idea what's she's planning to do whilst she's here she's arriving on Wednesday and I haven't heard from her in almost a month but she's clearly worked out her hooking up whilst she's here.

Ok, so I'm clearly bringing out (her's and my) past friendship into this trip. I haven't and don't intend to say anything about any of it to her. This was just for me to rant but all its done is make me feel shitty so never mind.

I'm confused about the bolded. Yes he's your FI's cousin, but honestly. You're concerned she's potentially going to hook up with him behind your back? Does she need to get express written permission from you first? She wants to hook up with him - good for her! Let her get hers - who wouldn't want a hot European fling? Who she sleeps with should really have no bearing on you.

Also - you say you haven't heard from her. Have you reached out to her yourself? Have you planned anything? This would be the perfect opportunity to send her an email and say "I'm so excited you'll be here tomorrow! Not sure what you have planned while you're here, but I would love to hang out and catch up while you're here! Let's grab dinner tomorrow night and maybe Thursday we can do XYZ Fun Thing!"

InLoveInQueens · June 2017

Everyone's got a BEC, that's what this girl seems to be for OP.

OurWildKingdom · June 2017

If you want to keep this friendship, talk about your feelings around the trip with her, in a non-accusatory way. Say, "I feel. . ." rather than "You're using me for free accommodations."

As for FI's cousin, MYOB.

charlotte989875 · June 2017

InLoveInQueens said:

Everyone's got a BEC, that's what this girl seems to be for OP.

This is the greatest, thank you for introducing this into my life. Currently my job is my BEC.

levioosa · June 2017

InLoveInQueens said:

Everyone's got a BEC, that's what this girl seems to be for OP.

I'm freaking dying. I need this in my life.

Am I just free accommodation?

Re: Am I just free accommodation?

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