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My brother has declared war on 'girliness'

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,
I have a 5-year-old nephew whom I adore. However, my younger brother has very specific ideas on what boys can do and has directed his son’s behavior accordingly. My nephew used to adore watching “magic girl” cartoons with my daughter and would ask to buy the pink toy cars at the mall. Now, when his father’s around, he won’t even touch pink markers. I had to interfere when he hit one of his friends, then broke down crying, because she wanted to play Barbies with him. I don’t know how to broach the subject with my brother, and I know if I so much as bought my nephew a pink toy, my brother would perceive it as deliberately undermining his parenting. Do I have any right to address this issue, or would stepping in at all be too invasive?

—Boys Like Pink Too

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Re: My brother has declared war on 'girliness'

  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
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    That's really sad, and likely will have some lasting effects on your nephew. Brother sounds like an ass. But stepping in might not have the effect you want. What about having toys at your house he can play with and offer to have him come over more frequently?
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  • apollymiapollymi member
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    Agree, this is so heartbreaking. But when it comes to parenting, I think these things are better left alone, as it's something that probably won't be taken well. Is the mother in the picture? Does she feel the same way as the dad? If not, maybe you could have a casual conversation with her about it. Otherwise, I think it's important to just be there to support the nephew through it, now, and in the future.
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  • MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
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    southernbelle0915 said:
    Ugh, how unfortunate for this child. 

    LW needs to ask herself if she thinks a conversation would change her brother's parenting. If not, she's wasting her time. The best she can do is spend more time with her nephew and give him a safe space to explore WHATEVER he wants.
    I'm thinking same thing.
    End of the day, if nephew knows LW's place is his safe space then it won't matter. Unfortunately people aren't always accepting.
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    I would see myself at least bringing up the subject for a conversation during a calm, relaxed time.  But I'd only do that once, hope something sank in, and not be a nag about it.  Because, ultimately, how he chooses to parent is up to him and the child's mother (if around).

    On the other side of that coin, I remember my sister and BIL being hyper aware of the "gender roles" society puts on us and they gave a lot of thought to how they could help mitigate that for their soon-to-be born daughter.  They weren't going to buy anything pink.  If someone gave them a pink something, that was okay, but her room and environment was not going to be pinked out.  My BIL was really set on never referring to her as Princess.

    They did great with their non-pink goals.  But the not calling her Princess I think only lasted about one day, lol.

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  • MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
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    short+sassy said:

    I would see myself at least bringing up the subject for a conversation during a calm, relaxed time.  But I'd only do that once, hope something sank in, and not be a nag about it.  Because, ultimately, how he chooses to parent is up to him and the child's mother (if around).

    On the other side of that coin, I remember my sister and BIL being hyper aware of the "gender roles" society puts on us and they gave a lot of thought to how they could help mitigate that for their soon-to-be born daughter.  They weren't going to buy anything pink.  If someone gave them a pink something, that was okay, but her room and environment was not going to be pinked out.  My BIL was really set on never referring to her as Princess.

    They did great with their non-pink goals.  But the not calling her Princess I think only lasted about one day, lol.

    We've talked about doing a lot of gender neutral stuff {like grey, etc} and regardless of gender, exposing them to lots of things.

    I've seen a little girl enjoy pink but be a super-big tomboy style for activities.
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  • kerbohlkerbohl member
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    @TrixieJess My nephews love "paint", and I've seen lots of little boys with painted nails lately.  It's fun!  Does anyone remember boys "painting" their nails with highlighter in elementary school?  It's been going on for a pretty long time at this point, so I definitely land on the side of it being no big deal.

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  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat member
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    LW's brother would have a conniption fit if he came to my house and saw my daughter wearing her brother's hand-me-downs. She was also playing with a soccer ball last night. I crocheted a doll for my friend's son to give at his party this weekend. My oldest used to have a baby doll that he carried everywhere. Who cares???
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  • MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
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    TrixieJess said:
    This shit pisses me off. 

    I went and got a much needed mani-pedi and my son commented on my toes and asked if he could "paint" his toes too. I told him that when I grabbed some new non-toxic nail polish, we could do that. He told my mother who went nuts. I was like, it's just nail polish, it's not a big deal. To him, it's "paint". FI doesn't care so long as it's the non-toxic brand.

    Some people need to get their heads out of their asses when it comes to their kids and "gender norms". Kids like what they like. Encourage them to be good people and comfortable in their own skin.
    My friend's son loves purple lipstick. He mostly wears it at home, not because of anyone saying anything but that's where he feels more comfortable.
    My friend doesn't care. She bought it for him lol

    My coworker's husband took his daughter for a 'daddy-daughter day' and she wanted her nails painted. You know what? He ended up getting dark purple polish on his toes and a pretty flower. Why? He knew his daughter would get a kick out of it and who is it hurting?
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    MissKittyDanger said:
    My friend's son loves purple lipstick. He mostly wears it at home, not because of anyone saying anything but that's where he feels more comfortable.
    My friend doesn't care. She bought it for him lol

    My coworker's husband took his daughter for a 'daddy-daughter day' and she wanted her nails painted. You know what? He ended up getting dark purple polish on his toes and a pretty flower. Why? He knew his daughter would get a kick out of it and who is it hurting?

    So sweet!  Those are awesome dads.  The ones who will sit and have tea with their child, wearing a tiara and a boa, with toes and/or fingers they let their child paint on them.

    "A person is never so tall as when they stoop to help a child."

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  • MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
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    short+sassy said:
    MissKittyDanger said:
    My friend's son loves purple lipstick. He mostly wears it at home, not because of anyone saying anything but that's where he feels more comfortable.
    My friend doesn't care. She bought it for him lol

    My coworker's husband took his daughter for a 'daddy-daughter day' and she wanted her nails painted. You know what? He ended up getting dark purple polish on his toes and a pretty flower. Why? He knew his daughter would get a kick out of it and who is it hurting?

    So sweet!  Those are awesome dads.  The ones who will sit and have tea with their child, wearing a tiara and a boa, with toes and/or fingers they let their child paint on them.

    "A person is never so tall as when they stoop to help a child."

    We've joked that this would be M if we have a child who enjoys these things :P lol! I have this strong picture in my head of coming home to seeing this scene happen and it just gives me warm fuzzies
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  • InLoveInQueensInLoveInQueens member
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    TrixieJess said:
    This shit pisses me off. 

    I went and got a much needed mani-pedi and my son commented on my toes and asked if he could "paint" his toes too. I told him that when I grabbed some new non-toxic nail polish, we could do that. He told my mother who went nuts. I was like, it's just nail polish, it's not a big deal. To him, it's "paint". FI doesn't care so long as it's the non-toxic brand.

    Some people need to get their heads out of their asses when it comes to their kids and "gender norms". Kids like what they like. Encourage them to be good people and comfortable in their own skin.
    I do my nails and I'm super into nail polish and nail art (I have ~1k bottles...) and I told my husband if we have a son and he wants to play with mommy's nail polish I'm going to let him because it's just paint. As long as my kid is happy I'll be happy.
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  • *Barbie**Barbie* member
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    Wolverine has never been a "girly girl/princess" which is fine with me. I'm going to support her liking what she likes (within reason - as long as it's legal, not hurting someone and age appropriate). I'd do the same if we had a son. My BFF's little boy gets him to paint his nails sometimes (usually toenails) and it's NBD. 
    We didn't find out what we were having before Wolverine was born, but for some reason people were assuming "boy" so she got some "boy" clothes, and "gender neutral" stuff. Basically nothing of hers was "pretty princess" look, so really would have worked on a baby of either gender. I HATE those huge ass bows/flowers that people strap to their little girls' heads, so we never had any of that. She wore a mix of stuff as a baby, and still gets some stuff from the boys' department (bigger selection of superhero and ninja turtle stuff). 

    for nieces and nephews, i tend to buy "neutral" gifts - generally something educational or food. 
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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
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    *Barbie* said:
    I HATE those huge ass bows/flowers that people strap to their little girls' heads
    Preach. Those drive me nuts. They serve no purpose other than to put uncomfortable flair on a baby.

    And what REALLY drives me nuts is when people do it "so people know she's a girl". It's a baby. Why does it matter? 

    We even had a friend whose baby had a mole on her hairline and the mom used one of those things to cover up the mole "because she's cuter when you can't see it". 
    Image result for what did you say gif
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  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
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    First o
    ff, what's LW?

    My BIL is a bit like this with my nephew.  He's made comments and I can't tell if he's joking or being passive-aggressive.  (I can't recall any specific examples right now).  What's funny is that my sister LOVES musical theater, which traditionally is more girly.  So,  she'd have "Singing in the Rain" or "Mary Poppins" on in the background.   Now,  if he gets fussy, they just pull up a dance sequence from one of those musicals on YouTube.  Works like a charm.  BIL doesn't seem to mind (especially since it calms him down), so I don't think BIL will lose it if nephew goes into theater or dance.

    Growing up,  I played softball and a lot of my teammates were into wearing bows.  My tomboy aunt was the coach and got super annoyed.  When she had breast cancer and chemo, we got her a gag gift of one of those obnoxious baby headband bows.   She got a good laugh out of it and even posed for a picture.

    Sorry for the long rambling about my family.  I'm sitting in the waiting room for my doctor and killing time. 




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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
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    @holyguacamole79 LW is Letter Writer, since these are Dear Prudie letters and we are answering the LWs problem instead of a posters.

    Sometimes we get some newbies in here who think MissConn has all sorts of problems and answer the post as if she wrote them asking for advice!  It happened just last week!

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  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
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    Lol,  thanks!




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  • TrixieJessTrixieJess member
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    VarunaTT said:
    This just reminds me of something I heard on the radio.  The DJ was going on and on about how he wouldn't carry his GF's purse if it was "too big, too glittery, pink," etc.  All I could think was, is your male ego so fragile that it's being threatened by a fucking accessory?

    I'd have one conversation with brother.  And then I'd passive aggressively undermine all the time and not have one bad feeling about it.  This is how so many internalized bad emotions get forced into our kids.  
    My purse is big and purple, FH throws it over his shoulder like a champ if I hand it to him when I have to do something with our son. 
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  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
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    One of my friends didn't find out until her baby was born.  She said they got SO MUCH practical stuff at their shower bc people didn't want to buy girl / boy clothes (obviously boys can wear pink and girls blue).  But many peoole still buy into the whole color thing. 




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  • *Barbie**Barbie* member
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    eileenrob said:

    My son and daughters all rotate between the play kitchen, the tool bench, the doll house, the fire trucks and trains...if they all end up happy, kind, and respectful of others I'm good. 
    MIL got Wolverine a huge ass dollhouse and a big play kitchen because you know, "girl toys". I would guarantee that I spent more time assembling them than she has spent playing with them over the past 3 or 4 years. At least MIL is learning. Last Christmas, she bought a TV for Wolverine (with our permission). We hooked it up in the guest room, and she can only watch Netflix or Amazon Prime kids shows - and we control overall access, so if she misbehaves or we want her to focus on schoolwork or chores, we take the remote and the Prime stick. 
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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    *Barbie* said:
    eileenrob said:

    My son and daughters all rotate between the play kitchen, the tool bench, the doll house, the fire trucks and trains...if they all end up happy, kind, and respectful of others I'm good. 
    MIL got Wolverine a huge ass dollhouse and a big play kitchen because you know, "girl toys". I would guarantee that I spent more time assembling them than she has spent playing with them over the past 3 or 4 years. At least MIL is learning. Last Christmas, she bought a TV for Wolverine (with our permission). We hooked it up in the guest room, and she can only watch Netflix or Amazon Prime kids shows - and we control overall access, so if she misbehaves or we want her to focus on schoolwork or chores, we take the remote and the Prime stick. 
    We had to lock down our Prime/FireStick, because DefConn racked up $45 in content charges before we realized it.  He can only access free content and needs the passcode for Netflix/Hulu/YouTube (and we control the shit out of YouTube because it was getting out of control).  
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  • TrixieJessTrixieJess member
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    Parents: if you don't, you can arrange it so your technology only works with your MACaccess. You can turn it on and off each device from your router.
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