Has she gone bonkers?
I need to vent. I’m not one to really post stuff, but I’m just at my wits end.
So my friend has gone from sweet to sour in the past 10 months during her wedding planning. I feel beyond bitter and surprised but because I do still care for her and I have decided to go to her wedding. I just think she has messed up our friendship. I only have 1 more month of this. I’m honestly counting down the days to when it will be over. Am I right she has lost it?
It started off with her thinking I was the only person who was “not excited and enthusiastically asking her about her wedding plans and visions”. I – had a death in my family and was dealing with some stuff during the time she asked me to be a bridesmaid. I was sorting myself out. So I kind of went off the grid for a month or so. Suddenly when things got better she started bombarding me with passive aggressive messages with this tune of “you are the only friend who hasn’t asked me about my wedding yet.” Honestly, I was waiting for her to come to me, but not in this – passive aggressive way. But, in a happy – yay I’m getting married way, what do you think about these dresses.
She said she was ashamed of me and quite literally nagged me for months about not going to her wedding shower. She also said my reasons were invalid and excuses. (I live 2 states away and about 9 hours drive in total away and she asked me to go to this shower during a very busy rocky time in my job). I couldn’t afford to fly there, plus the other 2 times I went to visit her and not to mention the fact I was also trying to fund my trip to her DW. Oh and I went to the engagement party like a year and a bit ago. It was just too much, and I guess I let her down and was too “selfish” in my own life. I did get her a nice gift, I attended her her wedding dress session and helped plan and attended the hen party that just happened last week. (She was so cold to me at this time. I felt awkward and this why I’m writing this now).
Also when I mentioned I had some financial concerns she said “you’ve had over 2 years to save for this. You’re not the one paying for the whole wedding. Stop complaining about money. You’ve barely done much more than a regular guest would do.”
I just felt like after this issue with the shower she went cold and resentful of me. It’s awkward being around her and I started to feel resentful. I tried really hard to explain why I couldn’t come. Its not that I didn’t want to go to the shower, it’s that I couldn’t and she didn’t give me the time try to work out a way to get there. She became very demanding. So, I decided given my circumstances it was best not go. It had zero to do with how much I cared for her.
I do get her perspective of “If I really matter you’d come” but – the way she acted made me really not want to go. She also said that while she understood I was going through stuff that everyone goes through stuff and that I should just “deal with it, everyone has stuff to deal with and if I really mattered you would have found a way to go."
I’m just sad this friend was willing to let a life long friendship go into the toilet for a wedding. She actually feels that weddings are the ultimate test to a friendship.
How do I get through the actual wedding day?
Re: Has she gone bonkers?
Yeah, you can do that.
I do want an apology at some point. Would it be unreasonable to hope if I kind of go dark for a few months after the wedding and let the wedding stuff go, could she realize how awful she was being? Do brides sometimes realize they let it go to their heads?
I think you will be waiting a long time for an apology, especially if you passive-aggressively go dark and don't actually tell her what is wrong.
However, I think going dark/ghosting and hoping she figures out you're upset is a little immature. I think you have every right to feel the way you do, but if you want to maintain a friendship with her I'd wait for her wedding to pass, give it a few weeks, and explain why you're hurtful. Even though she's not acting like a mature adult, I think it's best to rise above and be the adult here. If you're not interested in maintaining the friendship then tell her that too.
If you want to retain her friendship, then you can tell her that her attitude and comments to you have been hurtful and that yes, you plan to attend her wedding. But in that case, don't ghost on her and hope she figures it out. It's just as passive-aggressive as her treatment of you-and it will be counterproductive.
If you still want to go to her wedding and stand up for her because you made a commitment and it's the right thing to do, I would let her know that you'll do what you can reasonably budget for and you'll see her at the wedding - then I'd avoid talking wedding stuff with her altogether. After that I would end the friendship. I also wouldn't bring a gift. (FWIW, this is probably how I'd handle it.)
But I think it's also acceptable to end the friendship now. Let her know that your life doesn't revolve around her and her wedding, and if that's what she expects then you can't be a part of her life. Give her concrete examples of how she's hurt you if you want to try to talk it through and give her a change to change her attitude, but at this point you don't owe her anything, including an explanation.
If she was just a bride who got carried away with her "vision" and annoyed you by constantly talking about wedding in agonizing detail, I'd say she'll be back to normal once it's over and you can move on from it. But that's not the case here. We are talking about someone who had belittled you for your financial situation, couldn't understand that a death in your family might preclude you from thinking about her wedding, and said she was ashamed of you for not attending her bridal shower that was hours away from where you live. This is incredibly selfish, mean-spirited behavior, and I can't help thinking that maybe it's not the wedding that's making your friend like this - maybe your friend had this in her all along, and the wedding has simply set it free. And if this is who she really is, these wedding-related issues could very well be hanging over your friendship for a very long time, and she won't let you forget that you weren't interested enough in her wedding (by her standards) and that you weren't at her shower. People like that don't let these things go.
I totally understand if you want to follow through on your commitment to be a bridesmaid and be at her wedding. However, I think you would also be justified in stepping down and ending this friendship after the way she's treated you. I think you also need to understand that even if you do stay in the BP, it's not necessarily going to fix things and the friend you knew may never come back, at least not from your perspective. I'm really sorry you are in this situation.
I think some of it is probably related to her FI. He is Greek and was born in Greece, though moved to the USA as a kid. I guess big fancy weddings are a thing there. Or at least so he says. He actually told me once if I personally eloped myself I would be dead to him. He takes weddings very very seriously, so - I think he got into her head a bit.
She originally set a very casual expectation for these things. It was actually him who once sent me a magazine article listing all of my "duties" and it wasn't long after this I get all the passive aggressive messages.
That all stated, she has a choice in her behaviour and - I don't like the choices she has made and I don't like who she has become as a result. I do think that this change has been a slow one, but got much worse as a result of being spoiled by everyone else essentially. I don't think she really lives in the real world to be honest. Recently, I've realized how different we really have become in the past few years.
I've decided I will go to the wedding. I won't get the them another gift. (I got them a really nice Hen and Shower gift). This wedding is costing me over 3K to be apart of. So part of it is that I do want to make my commitment to her, but part of it is I won't get back a lot of the money I've spent on this vacation already (it's a 2 week vacation DW thing). Don't worry - I will only be spending like 2 days with them. Some of it is that I do actually care for her and want to make sure I make my commitment though. Truly. But yeah, based on all this feedback and - perhaps my gut feelings - it's pretty much not something I can fight for or really even want to. It's sad though, to see a lifelong friend just - go in such a miserable and petty way.
OP, I'm sorry to hear about what you have been experiencing with your friend. For what it's worth, you can see that all the posters here...unbiased 3rd parties...are all appalled by her behavior. It isn't you "not being a caring enough friend" or whatever other b.s. Koolaid she is trying to get you to drink.
And for her fiancée to tell you, that if you eloped, you would be dead to him?!?!Because a friend's SO always gets to dictate another person's wedding choices, lol//sarcasm. For whenever/if that times comes, it would be fun to have a huge wedding...and not invite them.
I hope you have a good time on your vacation, despite all of this. Not that she deserves to keep your friendship but, if it were me, I'd probably try to keep some semblance of a friendship. But perhaps a much more, casual one. The occasional call/text/e-mail. Going out for coffee/drinks once in awhile. Her selfishness will probably abate some after the wedding, but I know it has been really hurtful to see it lying there under the surface.
They sent me how much I owed them for the shower - this was the very first message I got from the MOH - it wasn't much - but it really annoyed me - it was after she sent the invites, after the bride got super mad at me for not making it and - after it was all planned. They also complained about how much work it was and how they had to get other people that weren't in the BP to help run the event - and because we weren't going we should help pay for it.
I would have had zero problem helping paying for it - but I would have liked to I dunno - feel included in some of the planning and not feel - alienated about not going to it because she booked it on a time that just didn't work for me. I did warn her about that all along too. The MOH also never really called/text me about stuff until after I demanded/started doing it myself. She was going through the bride.
I did speak to the other bridesmaid. She - also didn't go to the shower- but she was more punctual with her answer on it (I admit there was a short period of time I was a little disorganized and unresponsive - but this was NOT a usual behaviour for me). I guess her reason was more "legit" than mine. She was surprised by how the bride was treating me - but I could tell she had no idea how to handle it and just kind of distanced herself. She just wanted to make sure the bride was happy and she is very easy going and just didn't care. Which honestly, fair enough. I wasn't trying to like talk about the bride behind her back - I was trying to fix the issue. So I stopped talking about it to her.
Haha to the big wedding thing. Not happening. After this experience - I think I'm starting to hate weddings. I'd be good with a simple, small, very family centered ceremony. One where everyone feels positive, accepted and honored. I can't imagine and I sure hope I would never treat my BP this way. I doubt they will be invited when I get married at this point, but maybe. Crazy to think that because I always saw her maybe even a MOH or BM.
This wedding has made me even more against the idea. I'm guessing she spent at least 70K on this and she has been sooo stressed about being perfect. If I have a wedding party it would be my one close friend (obviously not this one) and she would be allowed to wear what ever she wanted really. I would have zero expectations because I think this is what causes a lot of the problems. I get why you said you get nervous about people getting engaged. After this - I literally will not be saying yes to being in a wedding again.
Sounds like you're going to stick it out- which is completely your choice. I hope whatever destination you are headed to, you will enjoy as a vacation of your own as well!
If you want to discuss it/ get some closure, I would do this a little after the wedding/HM, but not too long after, maybe a month. I wouldn't be passive-aggressive about it. Either say what is on your mind, or let it go. Personally, if this friend is supposed to be close, I would have no problem saying what is on my mind. But if you don't want to, then let the friendship fizzle.
I still love weddings, but I've recently been to 2 weddings where there was no WP, minimal to no pre-wedding parties, and a more casual (but still properly hosted!) event, and I love them! I really like the idea of no WP- I think it keeps the focus on the couple, and with no WP there are no expectations of what the WP is or isn't supposed to do. For my one friend, some friends and I still threw her a wedding shower and bachelorette, but it's because we wanted to, not because we had to. I also really like the idea of showing up at somewhere like a restaurant or more casual banquet type place with ceremony, cocktails, then dinner all in one spot one right after the other.
Of course I am not saying that having any other wedding set up is wrong (we had a WP and larger reception with dancing), it just seems that there is so much in the wedding industry about making a wedding a production, that it is nice to see some trends toward keeping things more relaxed/casual that makes me feel like the focus is on the marriage.
The people I've been referencing are the type who see a buffet as tacky and - need a 5 course meal. Then they complain the wedding planning is so stressful and expensive. (More groom than bride though).
Im not saying a traditional wedding is bad. Honestly. I hope I didn't offend anyone. I just think - live in your means - and do what best suits you and your partner. I do think my friend got ropped in this silly event. We were never the "plan our weddings fantasizing wearing a 5 thousand dollar ballgowns and having doves fly around" types growing up. We killed ants with dish soap and road our bikes to the pond, likely got grass stains all over a pants and played silly games on our neighbours. (There won't be doves - she isn't actually that crazy).
The groom actually told her within their first month of dating that if they continue dating and get married she would have to "deal" with a huge wedding. I kind of wonder if her behaviour is attributed to being in over her head, doing a wedding she actually doesn't want, and being spoiled by everyone around her and getting consumed by what everyone tells her it's supposed to be like.
There was a point recently where she sent me pictures of people eloping in Asia and Peru and she seemed jealous. She might be taking out on me because she thinks I'll take it? Which my tolerance has waned. I'm actually quite emotional about it. I will tell her how I feel. Honestly I may do it a week or so after. I want to enjoy my trip and I want to get it off my chest. (They aren't doing a formal honeymoon or anything). Even if it's a little selfish.
I am honestly worried about her in the future and how their marriage will be. But they told me several times they did very well in their marriage class? Sigh. I do wish her the best. Really. That stated, I've realized recently (I've had a lot of death I've had to deal with - life is short and sometimes we need to do what's best for us and sometimes relationships we cherish become toxic and we need to let them go or - let them for for awhile at the very least.
(I leave in a little over a week. Yay!)
The "deal with it" comment is actually a minor red flag (a yellow flag?), and I wonder how controlling the groom is, or if she's just rolling over and letting people walk all over her.
Don't get me wrong. That is not a reason to take her frustrations out on her friends. She's being awful to you and you don't have to put up with it. She should be asserting herself, and if she can't do that, she shouldn't be getting married until
But if you do, I hope you can talk it through with her after the wedding, and heal those issues. I think she's going to need some good friends with sound advice around her through the start of this marriage, no matter how it turns out.
(Another note: I was the science experiments and bug collecting kinda girl growing up, and I had a big wedding with a ballgown and all. Belle was my favorite princess, for her tomboy attitude AND her dancing skills, and I managed both. They're not mutually exclusive.