What to do about an unwanted "Family" member...

Re: What to do about an unwanted "Family" member...

• lyndausvi mod

  

  August 2017 edited August 2017

  " I am not mean & I do not talk crap to her, I just only seeing her at family functions and do not speak a word to her, so trust me she knows very well that I do not like her"
  
  I guess I  have a different view of being mean.  Not speaking a word and completely ignoring her at functions is being mean.   
  
  The poster's behavior has FAR reaching implications than just her wedding.    
  
  It puts parents in an uncomfortable situation.   Son A and Son B can't be together because their wives don't like each other.  No more family gatherings or at the very least stressful ones because of the tensions is so thick.
  
  Kids pick up on stuff like that.  There are many posters who have written they have no relationships with their grandparents or aunt/uncles because those people were mean to their parent.   If you are going to be mean to my parent(s) - and yes, flat out ignoring them is being mean,  I'm writing you off.  Sorry, that is the way it is.  
  
  Kids in abusive households need someone like a grandparent/aunt/uncle for support.   If you are mean to their parent it's less likely they will come to you.  However, if you are nice and cordial to the parents they more time you might be able to spend with them, thus forming a stronger relationship.  If things get bad they more likely to come to you for help, because they have seen you has being nice.  If you were mean to the parent, they only see you has a mean person.
  
  Like I said before, my sister and I not a fans of my SIL, but we are at least cordial when around.   We want to have a relationship with our brother and that includes his wife.  My sister has 3 kids who like their cousins.  Even while living states away from each other the kids keep in touch.  
  
  That would NEVER have happened if my sister flat out ignored my SIL.   My niece just spent the summer with me.  That would not have happened if I was mean to her mom (who she  is very close to).    We are able to have family gatherings so my parents can have all their kids/grandkids together in one place without drama.
  
  Said SIL has a brother who lost custody of his kids.   Who did the KIDS ask to take them in?  Yep, my brother and SIL.  Now my brother/sil did not approve of her brother/sil's drug use or how they lived their lives.  They could have written them off and been mean/ignore them.   Instead they took the high road.  They were cordial to the parents. Which in turn allowed them to form a relationship with her nephews.   When the shit it the fan the kids knew their aunt and uncle had their back.     
  
  Do the right thing.   Suck it up, invite them.   Then put on your greatest Oscar wining performance.   It's easier than you think.     Then talk/bitch about them to your SO, trusted family member or here.  We are a great place to vent about people we do not like but have to out of obligations. 
  
  
  
  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  

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• no_one_you_know member

  

  August 2017 edited August 2017

  Some of you are confusing my post with the lady who was giving me advice...
  
  lyndausvi, I didn't say that quote, the other person did. My post was about the brother's wife being abusive, physically and mentally, to the whole family. It wasn't about us just not liking each other. And this has more to do with my fiancee not wanting her at family gatherings. I know some of you read the additional info that I posted and I appreciate the different viewpoints that I've gotten.

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• southernbelle0915 mod

  

  August 2017

  no_one_you_know said:

  Some of you are confusing my post with the lady who was giving me advice...
  
  lyndausvi, I didn't say that quote, the other person did. My post was about the brother's wife being abusive, physically and mentally, to the whole family. It wasn't about us just not liking each other. And this has more to do with my fiancee not wanting her at family gatherings. I know some of you read the additional info that I posted and I appreciate the different viewpoints that I've gotten.

  You're right - Lynda quoted the other poster in italics (instead of including her big wall of text - saves space). I don't think anyone was confused by it. No worries.

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• OliveOilsMom member

  

  August 2017

  OP - We know the difference between you and Knottie#s, so you are all good.

  I love what Lynda wrote, wish I could like it 10 more times!

  To expand just a bit further about Lynda's over all points to Knotties' "I'm not mean".  In your post you called her "little girlfriend", "girl" and half a paragraph about the kids calling the woman "mommy".  Knottie - those are some very mean statements made by you!  What those kids call FBILs GF is between the kids, FBIL and the GF - so you should have kept your nose out of it.  And how derogatory to call someone girl and little girlfriend repeatedly.  But nope, you aren't mean one bit!

  

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• LondonLisa member

  

  August 2017

  no_one_you_know said:

  Some of you are confusing my post with the lady who was giving me advice...
  
  lyndausvi, I didn't say that quote, the other person did. My post was about the brother's wife being abusive, physically and mentally, to the whole family. It wasn't about us just not liking each other. And this has more to do with my fiancee not wanting her at family gatherings. I know some of you read the additional info that I posted and I appreciate the different viewpoints that I've gotten.

  People were trying to warn you against taking the bad advice that was posted. Generally people will refer to you as OP- original poster. 

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• lyndausvi mod

  

  August 2017

  no_one_you_know said:

  Some of you are confusing my post with the lady who was giving me advice...
  
  lyndausvi, I didn't say that quote, the other person did. My post was about the brother's wife being abusive, physically and mentally, to the whole family. It wasn't about us just not liking each other. And this has more to do with my fiancee not wanting her at family gatherings. I know some of you read the additional info that I posted and I appreciate the different viewpoints that I've gotten.

  I am aware of that.  I just forgot to tag that poster. 
  
  However, a lot of what I said still applies.  If your FI wants to have a relationship with his brother and his kids than sometimes you have to suck it and deal with his wife.  If not you might lose that relationship altogether.  
  
  His niece/nephew(?) WILL remember you being mean to their mom.  They will more than likely hold it against you. Maybe for life.  At this point in their lives they more than likely do not have the ability to understand their mom's actions towards others.   By the time they do it might be too late.
  
  This will be a relationship changing event.  Think long and hard on the long term implications.   There is a lifetime of events ahead of you.   His parents will get old, maybe sick, at some point die.  All that is hard enough to deal with when you are friendly with your siblings.  It gets even messier when your relationships are strained.
  
  All that said, I'm not suggesting you be a door mat.   There is nothing wrong with telling someone their behavior at the time is not acceptable.   But pick your battles carefully.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  

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• CMGragain member

  

  August 2017 edited August 2017

  You cannot control other people's behavior.  You can control YOUR behavior.
  
  You are an adult.  You are expected to treat other people with politeness.  If you do not, then it shows you to be a rude, self centered person.  It is required that you invite your FSIL along with your FBIL to your wedding.  If you do not, it will reflect poorly on YOU.
  
  It does not matter what your FSIL has done or said.  YOUR actions reflect on YOU.  You are required to invite them both as a social unit.  You are required to speak politely to both of them, and to thank them for coming to your wedding.  Any other action on your part is rude and selfish.
  
  You do have the option of inviting neither of them to your wedding.  This will  cause a family rift that will affect your future marriage.  Is it worth it?  I don't think so.
  
  Invite her.
  

  

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• InLoveInQueens member

  

  August 2017

  OliveOilsMom said:

  OP - We know the difference between you and Knottie#s, so you are all good.

  I love what Lynda wrote, wish I could like it 10 more times!

  To expand just a bit further about Lynda's over all points to Knotties' "I'm not mean".  In your post you called her "little girlfriend", "girl" and half a paragraph about the kids calling the woman "mommy".  Knottie - those are some very mean statements made by you!  What those kids call FBILs GF is between the kids, FBIL and the GF - so you should have kept your nose out of it.  And how derogatory to call someone girl and little girlfriend repeatedly.  But nope, you aren't mean one bit!

  That stood out to me too, not a single reason why this woman deserves to be purposefully excluded but tons of patronizing and judgmental language about her in general. Obviously she has a grudge and decided that means she can give people terrible advise that will ruin relationships. Good job.

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• levioosa member

  

  August 2017

  InLoveInQueens said:

  OliveOilsMom said:

  OP - We know the difference between you and Knottie#s, so you are all good.

  I love what Lynda wrote, wish I could like it 10 more times!

  To expand just a bit further about Lynda's over all points to Knotties' "I'm not mean".  In your post you called her "little girlfriend", "girl" and half a paragraph about the kids calling the woman "mommy".  Knottie - those are some very mean statements made by you!  What those kids call FBILs GF is between the kids, FBIL and the GF - so you should have kept your nose out of it.  And how derogatory to call someone girl and little girlfriend repeatedly.  But nope, you aren't mean one bit!

  That stood out to me too, not a single reason why this woman deserves to be purposefully excluded but tons of patronizing and judgmental language about her in general. Obviously she has a grudge and decided that means she can give people terrible advise that will ruin relationships. Good job.

  Add me to that list too. It really put me off when she called her his "little gf." So demeaning. 

  
  

  
  

  

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• kerbohl member

  

  August 2017

  My SIL has been extremely rude to my entire family (at this point, brother and SIL only talk to me and my parents and have denounced all others) and creates  drama at ever family event that she can.  I do not like her, and my brother isn't exactly a peach.  I knew they would create problems at my wedding, but I also knew I would alienate them and make my parents sad if I didn't invite them.  I invited them, they were complete jerks and tried to make my sister (MOH) very uncomfortable by glaring at her all day, which is pretty juvenile when you think about it.  They did a few other things, but if I had to do it over again, I would still invite them. My dad was charged with putting them in line if they did anything completely inappropriate, but in the end it was all stuff I could eventually stomach.  
  So OP, I'm on team invite, but second the people recommending having security or a person in place  that will ask them to leave (or remove them) should they do anything damaging to yourself or your guests.  You can be the bigger person by graciously inviting them despite all they have done, but if they try something inappropriate, it's on them and it's unlikely that there will be anyone that will see that differently.  

  
  

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• ahoywedding member

  

  August 2017

  lyndausvi said:

  no_one_you_know said:

  Some of you are confusing my post with the lady who was giving me advice...
  
  lyndausvi, I didn't say that quote, the other person did. My post was about the brother's wife being abusive, physically and mentally, to the whole family. It wasn't about us just not liking each other. And this has more to do with my fiancee not wanting her at family gatherings. I know some of you read the additional info that I posted and I appreciate the different viewpoints that I've gotten.

  I am aware of that.  I just forgot to tag that poster. 
  
  However, a lot of what I said still applies.  If your FI wants to have a relationship with his brother and his kids than sometimes you have to suck it and deal with his wife.  If not you might lose that relationship altogether.  
  
  His niece/nephew(?) WILL remember you being mean to their mom.  They will more than likely hold it against you. Maybe for life.  At this point in their lives they more than likely do not have the ability to understand their mom's actions towards others.   By the time they do it might be too late.
  
  This will be a relationship changing event.  Think long and hard on the long term implications.   There is a lifetime of events ahead of you.   His parents will get old, maybe sick, at some point die.  All that is hard enough to deal with when you are friendly with your siblings.  It gets even messier when your relationships are strained.
  
  All that said, I'm not suggesting you be a door mat.   There is nothing wrong with telling someone their behavior at the time is not acceptable.   But pick your battles carefully.

  Yeah, a lot of this. My dad's sister and my mom used to be BFFs (actually how my parents met!), but once my parents started dating, his sister and mom felt like their "little boy" was being "taken away" (barf, I know). They were really cruel to my mom, and it definitely jaded the way my sisters and I saw them, even now. When we were kids, we didn't understand everything that was happening, but we definitely could tell they didn't like our mom. As we grew up and she told us some of the awful things they said or did, it totally made me think differently of them. I tried to be friendly with my aunt's kids, but knowing how mean their mom was made it difficult. It made every single family event awkward. Flip that to my mom's side of the family, who embraced my dad (and you'd think her family was his if you didn't know better), and guess who we have the better relationship with?

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• no_one_you_know member

  

  August 2017

  Ladies, just an update on the situation... future brother in law has been staying with us for the past week and is divorcing her because he is done being abused... 

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• mrsconn23 member

  

  August 2017

  no_one_you_know said:

  Ladies, just an update on the situation... future brother in law has been staying with us for the past week and is divorcing her because he is done being abused... 

  Good luck to him.  Hopefully, he's on the path to a better future for him and the kids. 

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• LondonLisa member

  

  August 2017

  no_one_you_know said:

  Ladies, just an update on the situation... future brother in law has been staying with us for the past week and is divorcing her because he is done being abused... 

  I am really glad to hear this. Where are his children, however? Parental alienation is a big problem with abusers. 

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• no_one_you_know member

  

  August 2017 edited August 2017

  LondonLisa The kids are with her unfortunately. She is too smart to not take care of them. They will be ok for now. She's a real piece of work though and decided to get a restraining order against him (PFA) stating that HE was abusing HER as well as the kids, which is just complete bull crap. So now they have a court hearing coming up and basically, he can't see his kids or even go to his house to get his stuff. He has evidence of the contrary (her abusing him and the kids), however, a lawyer has told him that the evidence doesn't matter. It's more about the judges trying to protect themselves and therefore granting the restraining order to the person who filed it first. Again, bull crap...

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