Dear Prudence,
I have a weird etiquette question: I was in an abusive marriage for a decade, and after we split, I had to distance myself from both my social and professional circles because we worked in the same industry. I’m very healthy and happy now. Recently, I’ve started to fold a few previous connections back into my life. Nobody has any idea how bad the abuse was, or why we divorced, and I still have to see my ex on occasion. My question is: How do I address my divorce circumstances politely, without burdening my new connections with a heavy dose of emotional content?
—No Polite Way to Say This
Re: "We're not on good terms."
If they want more details, that's up to LW but unless you're close it's best not to go that route - especially since they're happy now
But if these aren't close people, a "we had difficulties we couldn't overcome" or "we're not on good terms" should be sufficient to change the conversation.
Why should someone shield an abusive ex or worry about protecting their reputation? It just further entrenches abuse being secret, something we "don't talk about". I would be tempted to respond to the why questions with, "It was an abusive relationship for me, but I'd rather not go into details...*bean dip*"
But she says her concern with telling people about the abuse is not to burden them with emotional content. That part just made me really sad for her - like she feels as though she can't tell people because telling them she was abused would be too hard for THEM!
I was thinking that about acquaintances. How many acquaintances really pry? But for close friends.... I could only imagine they'd want the scoop.
My take from the LW are that none of the people she is talking about are close friends. Maybe some of them were close friends at one point, but it sounds like it has been a few years and she is now trying to make reconnections.
Agree with the other PPs. If she doesn't want to mention the abuse because SHE feels it is an uncomfortable topic to bring up with new/"rekindling new" friendships, that is fine. But I also don't think she should feel the need to hide anything out of an "etiquette worry" (?) that she is burdening people with emotional content.
The "closest" I would come to prying about a divorce...even with a very good friend...is, "I'm so sorry to hear that! Are you doing okay? Let me know if you want to talk about things. My door is always open." And leave it up to them to confide in me, if they want to.
I still think the most bizarre thing I did was make a FB announcement about it. It was just easier, TBH, than running into acquaintances and having to rip the bandaid off again and again. I just posted a statement that we were divorcing, we were trying to keep it amicable, and no one was expected to choose either one of us over the other.