Cake-only reception, followed by non-included dinner??

Ro041 · November 2017

"They all don't seem to mind" = they are being polite because they were raised right, but are probably talking about you behind your back.

ashleymay44 · November 2017

I don't mind them talking behind my back, I don't see them enough to care. I understand that it's rude, but that's what we're going with. If, as it gets closer, we can afford to feed them all at a restaurant after, then we will. But as of now, we're planning for just the cake. And yes, I'd rather offend them by not offering them food than by not inviting them at all. I don't put any stock into the need of having to feed guests, personally. If they feel they should be fed for coming, then they can just not come. If they want to come, they can! I understand this is an etiquette page and the premise of the post is rude- I won't deny that, however I did get some helpful responses with my original question with how to approach this, so it seems worth it to me!

MRDCle · November 2017

ashleymay44 said:

I don't mind them talking behind my back, I don't see them enough to care. I understand that it's rude, but that's what we're going with. If, as it gets closer, we can afford to feed them all at a restaurant after, then we will. But as of now, we're planning for just the cake. And yes, I'd rather offend them by not offering them food than by not inviting them at all. I don't put any stock into the need of having to feed guests, personally. If they feel they should be fed for coming, then they can just not come. If they want to come, they can! I understand this is an etiquette page and the premise of the post is rude- I won't deny that, however I did get some helpful responses with my original question with how to approach this, so it seems worth it to me!

Aren't you a peach.

ashleymay44 · November 2017

MRDCle Never said I was, or anything close to it, I was just looking for some input on how to bring it up to guests, which I received. I'm fully aware of how "rude" it comes off, and I don't mind. We're doing what we want to do and we're happy with it- and now we have some ideas of how to present the situation to our guests.

climbingsingle · November 2017

If you don't give a crap about these people, WHY are you inviting them? Don't say "out of obligation" because you know that's a load of BS. You don't actually have to invite anyone. Just go elope in Vegas. It's not that complicated.

ashleymay44 · November 2017

climbingwife I'd rather invite them and give them the option than not invite them at all. Just my personal opinion. And I do care about the people- they're still family- just not a whole lot about if they like the wedding. In my opinion (yes this will ruffle feathers, and that's okay- this is an etiquette board but I used this one for my original etiquette-based question) the wedding should be about the couple. If family were paying for it, of course there would be more for them. If you really want, as a guest, to attend the event, then go. If you're indifferent or don't want to spend the money, then don't.

southernbelle0915 · November 2017

So you came here asking for ways to tell people about it.....but you've apparently already told them about it and they're "totally good with it"? Mmmkay.

It sounds like you want a posh Vegas wedding with all the trimmings (but you're like so cool bc you don't even careeee) but you don't want to host anyone because fuck them for wanting to see you get married and you're using poverty as an excuse, except you're paying $4,400 for cake and taking a lavish European honeymoon. Amirite?

Girl bye.

climbingsingle · November 2017

ashleymay44 said:

climbingwife I'd rather invite them and give them the option than not invite them at all. Just my personal opinion. And I do care about the people- they're still family- just not a whole lot about if they like the wedding. In my opinion (yes this will ruffle feathers, and that's okay- this is an etiquette board but I used this one for my original etiquette-based question) the wedding should be about the couple. If family were paying for it, of course there would be more for them. If you really want, as a guest, to attend the event, then go. If you're indifferent or don't want to spend the money, then don't.

See, the wedding stops being about the couple when you invite other people. You're asking people to come and witness your wedding. The reception is a thank you to them for attending. If you want the wedding to be just about you and your FI, then you elope. Again, it's not that hard. You clearly don't care about these people, so don't invite them. What you're planning on doing is totally illogical. You don't want to ruffle feathers by not inviting them, but you're totally cool with making these people travel and then feeding them a piece of cake. Trust me - that will ruffle feathers too.

sparklepants41 · November 2017

ashleymay44 said:

To make it clear, Vegas is not far from our families in California. It's a drive, not a flight. So as much as it is a "destination" wedding, it's really not. And yes, we're all about the honeymoon. The only reason we're having a "wedding" versus eloping is because our family would be extremely upset if they didn't get to be there at the wedding. The cost of the wedding altogether right now is about $4.4k, and that's perfect for us. We're only doing it to appease them, which is why we're not spending loads on it. If the fact that it's cake-only and a non-included dinner turns them away, honestly it just makes it cheaper for us so we don't mind. I understand the harshness in this, I just really don't care for the wedding tradition, nor do we care enough about their opinions to change this (harsh, but how I feel- I'm just being honest). But taking the advice of some on here, I will phrase on the invitation that cake is included, but they are welcome to join us at restaurant X after if they'd like. To me personally, it's not worth another couple thousand to rent out a venue or restaurant just for a single meal. Like I said, I was well aware of the disapproval that I'm opening myself up to, I'm just looking for any tips on how to present it to guests.

Your family lives in San Diego. It's not a drive. It's a flight. San Diego is 332 miles from Las Vegas. It's a 5-hour drive without traffic. It's a destination wedding, no matter how you try to justify to yourself that it's not. I would be SO PISSED if I took time off from work to fly to Vegas to your wedding, paid for a hotel, got all gussied up, and all you gave me was a crappy piece of wedding cake with (most likely) subpar frosting and a watered-down cocktail. AND THEN had the balls to make me pay for my own dinner after. ONLY THEN to turn around and spend money that you could have spent thanking all your guests for traveling and spending $$$ to attend your wedding, on a honeymoon in Norway.

If I were one of your invited guests, I would definitely not gift you the envelope of cash I brought as a gift for your wedding.

Your entire post and follow-up comments just reek of gross entitlement.

ILoveBeachMusic · November 2017

Ditto @sparklepants41!

banana468 · November 2017

ashleymay44 said:

banana468 I just don't feel that way at all- I feel obligated to invite them because they'll be offended if they're not, however if they choose not to go, that's fine- at least I can say I invited them and tried. That clears me of my obligation. If they still want to come, great! If not, we'll see them next Christmas.

I don't think you can say that. You didn't really try. You attempted to skirt hosting obligations and on paper can say that you invited these people who you care about enough to invite but not enough to care about THEM CARING.

None of this makes any logical sense. You either care about them or don't. You either want them there or don't.

All of this really screams that you're indulging in multiple trips and are indulging yourselves but are not caring about your family and friends.

The ceremony is for you and your FI. The reception isn't. And hosting something that screams "I'm doing the bare minimum" tells your guests that on your ladder of priorities, they're the bottom rung.

When people want to be invited to a wedding, what they are actually saying is that they want to see you get married, and they want to be able to celebrate and be hosted properly. People don't want to be invited and feel like the majority of the financial expenditures fall on them and not on the hosts.

short+sassy · November 2017

sparklepants41 said:

ashleymay44 said:

To make it clear, Vegas is not far from our families in California. It's a drive, not a flight. So as much as it is a "destination" wedding, it's really not. And yes, we're all about the honeymoon. The only reason we're having a "wedding" versus eloping is because our family would be extremely upset if they didn't get to be there at the wedding. The cost of the wedding altogether right now is about $4.4k, and that's perfect for us. We're only doing it to appease them, which is why we're not spending loads on it. If the fact that it's cake-only and a non-included dinner turns them away, honestly it just makes it cheaper for us so we don't mind. I understand the harshness in this, I just really don't care for the wedding tradition, nor do we care enough about their opinions to change this (harsh, but how I feel- I'm just being honest). But taking the advice of some on here, I will phrase on the invitation that cake is included, but they are welcome to join us at restaurant X after if they'd like. To me personally, it's not worth another couple thousand to rent out a venue or restaurant just for a single meal. Like I said, I was well aware of the disapproval that I'm opening myself up to, I'm just looking for any tips on how to present it to guests.

Your family lives in San Diego. It's not a drive. It's a flight. San Diego is 332 miles from Las Vegas. It's a 5-hour drive without traffic. It's a destination wedding, no matter how you try to justify to yourself that it's not. I would be SO PISSED if I took time off from work to fly to Vegas to your wedding, paid for a hotel, got all gussied up, and all you gave me was a crappy piece of wedding cake with (most likely) subpar frosting and a watered-down cocktail. AND THEN had the balls to make me pay for my own dinner after. ONLY THEN to turn around and spend money that you could have spent thanking all your guests for traveling and spending $$$ to attend your wedding, on a honeymoon in Norway.

If I were one of your invited guests, I would definitely not gift you the envelope of cash I brought as a gift for your wedding.

Your entire post and follow-up comments just reek of gross entitlement.

I was initially puzzled by this post also. I grew up and went to college in So. CA. I've also been to Vegas many times (too many times!). Sometimes driving from Orange County. Usually driving from north San Diego county. The only place I could think of where people actually lived and was in CA, was Barstow. Which is still a good 2+ hours away from Vegas.

I almost spit my water out when San Diego was mentioned, lol. Whether flying or driving, that's a destination wedding. Because neither the couple nor any of the guests live there. A 4+ hour drive is not "near".

I slightly disagree with some of what @sparklepants41 said . I usually did the drive in 4 hours and was even a bit further away than San Diego proper. And I did almost always drive. Though I was in college so, of course I did, lol. But still. I'd guess at least half, if not the majority, of So. CA visitors to Vegas, drive. Plus then you have your car with you. I only flew once because we got some ridiculously bargain price.

flantastic · November 2017

banana468 said:

ashleymay44 said:

banana468 I just don't feel that way at all- I feel obligated to invite them because they'll be offended if they're not, however if they choose not to go, that's fine- at least I can say I invited them and tried. That clears me of my obligation. If they still want to come, great! If not, we'll see them next Christmas.

I don't think you can say that. You didn't really try. You attempted to skirt hosting obligations and on paper can say that you invited these people who you care about enough to invite but not enough to care about THEM CARING.

None of this makes any logical sense. You either care about them or don't. You either want them there or don't.

All of this really screams that you're indulging in multiple trips and are indulging yourselves but are not caring about your family and friends.

The ceremony is for you and your FI. The reception isn't. And hosting something that screams "I'm doing the bare minimum" tells your guests that on your ladder of priorities, they're the bottom rung.

When people want to be invited to a wedding, what they are actually saying is that they want to see you get married, and they want to be able to celebrate and be hosted properly. People don't want to be invited and feel like the majority of the financial expenditures fall on them and not on the hosts.

DING DING DING. People know what actually trying to include them looks like, and this isn't it. If you're set on having all the selfish trips instead of spending money on your guests, that's your prerogative, but it is honestly better not to invite them than to send them an invite that screams "We don't give a shit if you come and don't want to take care of you."

Jen4948 · November 2017

Regardless of whether the drive is 4 hours or 5, you're still expecting people to give you a gift and travel 8 to 10 hours on the road and all they get from you is one slice of cake.

And you claim you don't want to "offend" all these people whom you feel "obligated" to invite, but you think everyone's okay with your offering them nothing else and you admit not caring about their feelings.

Does. Not. Add. Up.

Since you asked our advice, here it is. Either invite these people and actually host them (provide them with a meal paid for by you, not them, even if you have to cut out things like music, decorations and setup and have a less elaborate and expensive honeymoon). Or have a totally private wedding with just you, your FI and your officiant and go off on your expensive, elaborate honeymoon.

Either way, grow up.

But for crying out loud, stop being defensive about this plan to offer your guests nothing but cake. We're not buying your excuses because it's inexcusable.

nicgetsknotted · November 2017

I can't even say what I want to say to you without getting banned from the Knot, but if this is your attitude toward the closest people in your life, maybe you should wait to get married, as you seem pretty immature regarding the whole 'honoring and cherishing relationships' thing.

ashleymay44 · November 2017

I appreciate all the feedback as far as answers to my original question. I understand the rest of you are upset, and I apologize for upsetting anyone, however I'm just explaining what we're doing, and we're not changing our plan. A few people here did help me solve my problem, and that's all I needed, so I thank you for that!

banana468 · November 2017

ashleymay44 said:

I appreciate all the feedback as far as answers to my original question. I understand the rest of you are upset, and I apologize for upsetting anyone, however I'm just explaining what we're doing, and we're not changing our plan. A few people here did help me solve my problem, and that's all I needed, so I thank you for that!

I just caution you that you didn't solve the problem. You just created new ones.

flantastic · November 2017

banana468 said:

ashleymay44 said:

I appreciate all the feedback as far as answers to my original question. I understand the rest of you are upset, and I apologize for upsetting anyone, however I'm just explaining what we're doing, and we're not changing our plan. A few people here did help me solve my problem, and that's all I needed, so I thank you for that!

I just caution you that you didn't solve the problem. You just created new ones.

Yep. If your goal were actually to avoid offending your friends and family or fulfill an obligation to them, you did not succeed here.

MRDCle · November 2017

flantastic said:

banana468 said:

ashleymay44 said:

I appreciate all the feedback as far as answers to my original question. I understand the rest of you are upset, and I apologize for upsetting anyone, however I'm just explaining what we're doing, and we're not changing our plan. A few people here did help me solve my problem, and that's all I needed, so I thank you for that!

I just caution you that you didn't solve the problem. You just created new ones.

Yep. If your goal were actually to avoid offending your friends and family or fulfill an obligation to them, you did not succeed here.

But she triiiiiiiiied.

ashleymay44 · November 2017

If people are angered by it or think it's rude, then they won't go, which makes it not only cheaper on us, but then gives us the possibility to actually host food after the wedding if a bunch of people decide not to go. It's a win-win. It just doesn't seem worth the extra money for me when we could use that for they honeymoon or something. As far as the venue, while we may not care too much about the wedding itself, Vegas is a venue we agreed on before even getting engaged. Our family has voiced the opinion that they'd rather a cake-only than to not be invited or if we eloped. So, if they go, it'll be good to see them for the hour-long cake reception. If they don't, we'll see them next time we're in town. I don't feel bad about it, it just seems like an easy way to handle it.

MairePoppy · November 2017

ashleymay44 said:

To make it clear, Vegas is not far from our families in California. It's a drive, not a flight. So as much as it is a "destination" wedding, it's really not. And yes, we're all about the honeymoon. The only reason we're having a "wedding" versus eloping is because our family would be extremely upset if they didn't get to be there at the wedding. The cost of the wedding altogether right now is about $4.4k, and that's perfect for us. We're only doing it t (o appease them, which is why we're not spending loads on it. If the fact that it's cake-only and a non-included dinner turns them away, honestly it just makes it cheaper for us so we don't mind. I understand the harshness in this, I just really don't care for the wedding tradition, nor do we care enough about their opinions to change this (harsh, but how I feel- I'm just being honest). But taking the advice of some on here, I will phrase on the invitation that cake is included, but they are welcome to join us at restaurant X after if they'd like. To me personally, it's not worth another couple thousand to rent out a venue or restaurant just for a single meal. Like I said, I was well aware of the disapproval that I'm opening myself up to, I'm just looking for any tips on how to present it to guests.

To the bolded. If this is how you feel, why are you trying to extend the party to dinner, just not on your dime? This makes no sense. You could get married at city hall with your parents, take them out to lunch and call it a day. If you don't care if your guests come or not, spare them the trouble and expense and don't invite them.

You may not mention on your invitations any activity or meal that you aren't hosting. When couples want some informal after party, they spread the word after their full hosted reception that they will be hanging out at X Bar after the reception. But suggesting that guests pay for their own dinners after a cake and punch reception will come off as cheap. Harsh, but I'm just being as honest as you are.

sparklepants41 · November 2017

short+sassy said:

sparklepants41 said:

ashleymay44 said:

To make it clear, Vegas is not far from our families in California. It's a drive, not a flight. So as much as it is a "destination" wedding, it's really not. And yes, we're all about the honeymoon. The only reason we're having a "wedding" versus eloping is because our family would be extremely upset if they didn't get to be there at the wedding. The cost of the wedding altogether right now is about $4.4k, and that's perfect for us. We're only doing it to appease them, which is why we're not spending loads on it. If the fact that it's cake-only and a non-included dinner turns them away, honestly it just makes it cheaper for us so we don't mind. I understand the harshness in this, I just really don't care for the wedding tradition, nor do we care enough about their opinions to change this (harsh, but how I feel- I'm just being honest). But taking the advice of some on here, I will phrase on the invitation that cake is included, but they are welcome to join us at restaurant X after if they'd like. To me personally, it's not worth another couple thousand to rent out a venue or restaurant just for a single meal. Like I said, I was well aware of the disapproval that I'm opening myself up to, I'm just looking for any tips on how to present it to guests.

Your family lives in San Diego. It's not a drive. It's a flight. San Diego is 332 miles from Las Vegas. It's a 5-hour drive without traffic. It's a destination wedding, no matter how you try to justify to yourself that it's not. I would be SO PISSED if I took time off from work to fly to Vegas to your wedding, paid for a hotel, got all gussied up, and all you gave me was a crappy piece of wedding cake with (most likely) subpar frosting and a watered-down cocktail. AND THEN had the balls to make me pay for my own dinner after. ONLY THEN to turn around and spend money that you could have spent thanking all your guests for traveling and spending $$$ to attend your wedding, on a honeymoon in Norway.

If I were one of your invited guests, I would definitely not gift you the envelope of cash I brought as a gift for your wedding.

Your entire post and follow-up comments just reek of gross entitlement.

I was initially puzzled by this post also. I grew up and went to college in So. CA. I've also been to Vegas many times (too many times!). Sometimes driving from Orange County. Usually driving from north San Diego county. The only place I could think of where people actually lived and was in CA, was Barstow. Which is still a good 2+ hours away from Vegas.
I almost spit my water out when San Diego was mentioned, lol. Whether flying or driving, that's a destination wedding. Because neither the couple nor any of the guests live there. A 4+ hour drive is not "near".
I slightly disagree with some of what @sparklepants41 said . I usually did the drive in 4 hours and was even a bit further away than San Diego proper. And I did almost always drive. Though I was in college so, of course I did, lol. But still. I'd guess at least half, if not the majority, of So. CA visitors to Vegas, drive. Plus then you have your car with you. I only flew once because we got some ridiculously bargain price.

I google mapped it and google told me 5 hours but that’s probably based on driving 55mph (but seriously my grandparents don’t even drive 55 lol).

NowIAmSyp · November 2017

Yikes, girl. Just... yikes

southernbelle0915 · November 2017

ashleymay44 said:

If people are angered by it or think it's rude, then they won't go, which makes it not only cheaper on us, but then gives us the possibility to actually host food after the wedding if a bunch of people decide not to go. It's a win-win. It just doesn't seem worth the extra money for me when we could use that for they honeymoon or something. As far as the venue, while we may not care too much about the wedding itself, Vegas is a venue we agreed on before even getting engaged. Our family has voiced the opinion that they'd rather a cake-only than to not be invited or if we eloped. So, if they go, it'll be good to see them for the hour-long cake reception. If they don't, we'll see them next time we're in town. I don't feel bad about it, it just seems like an easy way to handle it.

Officially calling MUD. No one is really this obtuse, entitled, and selfish.

Ro041 · November 2017

ashleymay44 said:

I appreciate all the feedback as far as answers to my original question. I understand the rest of you are upset, and I apologize for upsetting anyone, however I'm just explaining what we're doing, and we're not changing our plan. A few people here did help me solve my problem, and that's all I needed, so I thank you for that!

ashleymay44 said:

If people are angered by it or think it's rude, then they won't go, which makes it not only cheaper on us, but then gives us the possibility to actually host food after the wedding if a bunch of people decide not to go. It's a win-win. It just doesn't seem worth the extra money for me when we could use that for they honeymoon or something. As far as the venue, while we may not care too much about the wedding itself, Vegas is a venue we agreed on before even getting engaged. Our family has voiced the opinion that they'd rather a cake-only than to not be invited or if we eloped. So, if they go, it'll be good to see them for the hour-long cake reception. If they don't, we'll see them next time we're in town. I don't feel bad about it, it just seems like an easy way to handle it.

No one is upset or angered - we are just shocked that you would treat your 42 closest family members (and 3 friends) with such a flippant attitude. You are basically saying, "I don't care if you don't come and if you don't come, that's actually better, so please don't come and maybe the people we actually want there can be properly hosted." Why not just cut out the BS and invite only immediate (parents, siblings and grandparents) family? Is this because you want gifts without the expense of hosting people?

banana468 · November 2017

southernbelle0915 said:

ashleymay44 said:

If people are angered by it or think it's rude, then they won't go, which makes it not only cheaper on us, but then gives us the possibility to actually host food after the wedding if a bunch of people decide not to go. It's a win-win. It just doesn't seem worth the extra money for me when we could use that for they honeymoon or something. As far as the venue, while we may not care too much about the wedding itself, Vegas is a venue we agreed on before even getting engaged. Our family has voiced the opinion that they'd rather a cake-only than to not be invited or if we eloped. So, if they go, it'll be good to see them for the hour-long cake reception. If they don't, we'll see them next time we're in town. I don't feel bad about it, it just seems like an easy way to handle it.

Officially calling MUD. No one is really this obtuse, entitled, and selfish.

Yeah. I smelled it before when the first time poster managed to have a real screen name and post something that riled up the boards fast. She reminds me of the banned ashley from a year ago.

I love that @ashleymay44 called it win-win. Yeah, if this is real it's not win win. She'll have pissed off her family and friends for long after the wedding. But hey, if you like alienating these people then cool. Most don't forget shortly after the wedding. They remember for a long time.

OliveOilsMom · November 2017

Finding a restaurant in or around San Diego charging $25 per plate for a sit down meal, including 8% tax (I guessed the rate) and 20% service charge is $1500. Make it a non-alcoholic night and that's probably the cost to feed your guests a meal. That is less that half of your current budget, but yet you won't even consider it because your oh so special vision of Vegas and Northern Lights is getting in the way of your being a semi-decent host. And your totally fine with that.

Wait - why do people think Millenials have entitlement issues again?

ashleymay44 · November 2017

southernbelle0915 Don't know what MUD is, anyone care to elaborate?
Ro041 We couldn't care less about gifts, we've lived together for years and don't want/need anything at all.
MairePoppy Harsh is good! It cuts out unnecessary niceties. I don't mind coming off as cheap- because I very much am. I do think the idea will be we spread word during the reception that we'll be going to "x" after, and if someone wants to join us, they can. Just not on us.

southernbelle0915 · November 2017

ashleymay44 said:

southernbelle0915 Don't know what MUD is, anyone care to elaborate?
Ro041 We couldn't care less about gifts, we've lived together for years and don't want/need anything at all.
MairePoppy Harsh is good! It cuts out unnecessary niceties. I don't mind coming off as cheap- because I very much am. I do think the idea will be we spread word during the reception that we'll be going to "x" after, and if someone wants to join us, they can. Just not on us.

MUD = made up drama. As in, you're trolling to get attention. You apparently got the answers you wanted (and didn't give a shit about), yet you stick around to poke the bear? Sorry but it's MUD. Bye.

Ro041 · November 2017

ashleymay44 said:

southernbelle0915 Don't know what MUD is, anyone care to elaborate?
Ro041 We couldn't care less about gifts, we've lived together for years and don't want/need anything at all.
MairePoppy Harsh is good! It cuts out unnecessary niceties. I don't mind coming off as cheap- because I very much am. I do think the idea will be we spread word during the reception that we'll be going to "x" after, and if someone wants to join us, they can. Just not on us.

How can you be 23-24ish and not want or need anything and yet be too poor to properly host people? Did you spend all of your money on nice sets of china or glassware instead of saving it?

Cake-only reception, followed by non-included dinner??

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