OliveOilsMom because we're paying for it ourselves and appreciate experiences over things? And I'm really not understanding the "entitlement" argument- I'm not saying you're wrong, I'm just saying I don't understand how that's what you're getting from this. Selfish and cheap? Maybe. But I don't feel entitled to anything- we are having an event, and people can go if they want. We aren't expecting anything, gifts or otherwise. And yes, we do have our vision of our venue and honeymoon, and I'm not letting a single meal take that from me.
Ro041 We're not poor- we make good money. I just can't fathom spending an extra $1500 just on food. That's 6 months of car payments, a month's rent, an amount I could send to struggling family to help them financially for an entire year, etc. Not worth a meal to me.
Ro041 We're not poor- we make good money. I just can't fathom spending an extra $1500 just on food. That's 6 months of car payments, a month's rent, an amount I could send to struggling family to help them financially for an entire year, etc. Not worth a meal to me. And we don't have a large savings because we just graduated college and started in the workforce in the last year (22 & 23). Our savings is an emergency fund, not "feed people" fund.
OliveOilsMom because we're paying for it ourselves and appreciate experiences over things? And I'm really not understanding the "entitlement" argument- I'm not saying you're wrong, I'm just saying I don't understand how that's what you're getting from this. Selfish and cheap? Maybe. But I don't feel entitled to anything- we are having an event, and people can go if they want. We aren't expecting anything, gifts or otherwise. And yes, we do have our vision of our venue and honeymoon, and I'm not letting a single meal take that from me.
Ro041 We're not poor- we make good money. I just can't fathom spending an extra $1500 just on food. That's 6 months of car payments, a month's rent, an amount I could send to struggling family to help them financially for an entire year, etc. Not worth a meal to me.
At least you admit to being selfish and rude. Don't be surprised if your family talks about this debacle for decades.
PPs have given you options to properly host for less than the $4,400 you quoted above. You just don't care, and that is SHOCKING. (OH and most of us are paying for our weddings and receptions so you are not in any way unique).
Ro041 We're not poor- we make good money. I just can't fathom spending an extra $1500 just on food. That's 6 months of car payments, a month's rent, an amount I could send to struggling family to help them financially for an entire year, etc. Not worth a meal to me. And we don't have a large savings because we just graduated college and started in the workforce in the last year (22 & 23). Our savings is an emergency fund, not "feed people" fund.
Do you think these people will like the plans and give gifts?
Do you ever plan to host any event ever?
A lot of this to me tells me that you've joined the workforce and you're new to....adulting.
Hosting people you love and care about without expecting them to finance the event is something grown ups do.
Thinking of yourselves first and refusing to spend money on others is something I'm teaching my 6 year old not to do.
All I can say is that if I was a friend or a family member and I knew you were a new professional making decent money and you went with this plan, I wouldn't attend your Vegas wedding, I would think twice about sending any gift and my opinion of you would be forever changed and not for the better.
You may be grown up enough to be married but I think you missed a lot of lessons in how to treat other people.
@ashleymay44 - I am curious, at what point in your life have you ever sent $1,500 to a "struggling family to help them financially for an entire year"? If the answer is "never" then your point is not well made. If you are concerned about feeding needy families, I would suggest foregoing the $4,400 cake reception in Vegas (and the flights there and hotel there) and send that money to 5 needy families to help support them for a year. No? I didn't think so.
@ashleymay44 - I am curious, at what point in your life have you ever sent $1,500 to a "struggling family to help them financially for an entire year"? If the answer is "never" then your point is not well made. If you are concerned about feeding needy families, I would suggest foregoing the $4,400 cake reception in Vegas (and the flights there and hotel there) and send that money to 5 needy families to help support them for a year. No? I didn't think so.
That trip to Norway could help another 5 needy families... and OP is a philanthropist now. But like, not really
banana468 People not attending for those reasons aren't a deterrent to me- if enough people don't go, we can actually feed the few that do. And as I mentioned before, we're not going for gifts- we've lived together for years and don't need or want anything. Gifts would just be clutter.
Ro041 When I say "struggling family" I mean my own. And I send them far more than that each year.
And yet you don't care that you are asking them to drive/fly to Vegas, spend money on hotels, and buy their own dinner on the day of your wedding? You - a person who sends so much money because her family is struggling and is poor and needs in excess of $1,500 a year from you just to stay afloat - care so little about them that you actually ask them to spend whatever little money they have on a weekend in Vegas on their own dime? I am not buying it.
MRDCle I've been working full-time for years, I've only recently graduated college and joined the "official" 9-5 workforce in the last year.
You're 22 or 23 and have been working full time for years? Can you count those years on one hand?
Why would you ask families with financial struggles to travel to Vegas for your wedding?
Why would you bait and switch the guests? If more people decline then if anyone in your imaginary family shows up they might get a dinner? Did you set a threshold in your imaginary budget where the switch flips from cake to meal?
Ro041 We're not poor- we make good money. I just can't fathom spending an extra $1500 just on food. That's 6 months of car payments, a month's rent, an amount I could send to struggling family to help them financially for an entire year, etc. Not worth a meal to me. And we don't have a large savings because we just graduated college and started in the workforce in the last year (22 & 23). Our savings is an emergency fund, not "feed people" fund.
Why not stay home from your honeymoon then? That's so much money to give to the poor!
Ro041 same as I said above, I'm paying for those members' travel expenses. Obviously I can't expect them to afford it themselves.
Don't you think they would prefer the money, if they are so hard up they have been asking their teenage/young 20 something relative for over $1,500 for years? And I think it's fascinating that this convenient fact only now made its way out into your story.
What about the night of your wedding? Are you paying for their dinner? Dinner in Vegas is much more pricey than ramen at home. Or do you not care if they eat once they are there?
I have been away for a couple of days, and I just saw this. @ashleymay44 , you are asking us to help you do something that is against etiquette and is inconsiderate of your guests. We cannot help you do this.
Please have a simple ceremony in California. Easy and no fuss. My niece was married like this a few weeks ago.
Ro041 Didn't bring it up because it wasn't relevant to my ORIGINAL question, which was simply how to bring it to guests attention that there FI and I are going somewhere after. That's all I was asking. And yes, those few members will be paid for by me. I don't plan on extending the offer any further unless it can easily be done.
STARMOON44 You're misinterpreting (as is everyone else, which is why I clarified) what I meant by "struggling family." I'm referring to my own family, whom I regularly help.
banana468 Because I am paying for those particular members, so I don't see it to be an issue to invited them. Not an extra part of the budget, just that if we have enough saved up come the time of the wedding, we'll feed who is there- but it's not guaranteed.
So you'll be telling them that because they're too poor to afford your wedding you'll treat them to an all expenses paid long weekend in Vegas and they can ignore the comments in the invitation that some of the guests won't get fed?
I think people are just saying, or one of the options people are saying, is that it is better, nicer, and more polite to invite fewer people and feed them. Than it is to invite more people, most of whom it doesn't even seem like you care are there anyway, and only host a 1-hour reception with cake.
I know you have said that your guests would rather be invited, even if it only means cake. But, then again, is a close friend or family member really going to say, "WTF? No. I'd be really annoyed and think you and FI are cheap azzes, if you invite me to a destination wedding and only host me with a slice of cake." They're not even going to say that more nicely than I just did. They're just going to nod along that "of course we want to attend your wedding."
I know you see it like it is NBD. If they don't want to go under the circumstances, they don't have to go. While that is true, it can also leave a bad taste in people's mouths for a very long time. To me, it's better to receive no invitation than an offensive one.
I can't help myself, I even have a Vegas-related analogy . Not a perfect analogy, but I'm seeing similarities. I'm a Diamond member at Harrahs and get free drinks, whether I'm playing or not, at all Harrahs casinos. I live in New Orleans and play at the Harrahs in this city. I haven't been to Vegas in 15 years.
My birthday is this month. Harrahs e-mailed me a "birthday gift". One free drink at any of their properties in Las Vegas. Not New Orleans. Only Las Vegas properties.
I was SO PI**ED OFF and totally insulted. They could have just sent me a Happy Birthday e-mail and left it at that. Fine. Great.But to send me such a pathetic, pointless, and useless "gift"...was so much worse. Because it screamed to me how little they give a s**t about me and my patronage of their business.
I realize this was some computer generated e-mail. And if human beings actually worked in their marketing department, one of them could make the argument of, "If she doesn't want to fly halfway across the country to get a free cocktail...that would be free at any Harrahs she went to anyway...she doesn't have to do that." Sure. I guess that's technically true. Or they could just not insult me by sending a b.s. gift with a $10 value, that would cost me $1K-$2K and a lot of time to obtain.
Ro041 Didn't bring it up because it wasn't relevant to my ORIGINAL question, which was simply how to bring it to guests attention that there FI and I are going somewhere after. That's all I was asking. And yes, those few members will be paid for by me. I don't plan on extending the offer any further unless it can easily be done.
STARMOON44 You're misinterpreting (as is everyone else, which is why I clarified) what I meant by "struggling family." I'm referring to my own family, whom I regularly help.
banana468 Because I am paying for those particular members, so I don't see it to be an issue to invited them. Not an extra part of the budget, just that if we have enough saved up come the time of the wedding, we'll feed who is there- but it's not guaranteed.
This is even worse. Now you are singling people based on whether they can afford food, in your opinion. Wow wow wow. I would hate to be either of these groups of people - "Mom, we know you are too poor to afford to eat here, so we are paying. Everyone else, you have decent jobs so get out your cash."
ILoveBeachMusic & southernbelle0915 Yes, we started college at 17- I'm a year older. I had to work full-time in school to support family. FI and I lived together through college. I graduated last year and got a job and moved to Florida. FI graduated this May and moved out here with me once he got hired. So we did a year apart, but yes, we have everything we need. We have cookware, furniture, etc. Anything we'd register for would be purely frivolous and clutter up the place. We don't need china or a mixer.
I do not understand your line of thinking at all. Spend $4k on a cake reception in Vegas. Now apparently paying for some people's transportation. Doesn't want to spend money on a meal (btw - breakfast and lunch can be less than your $4K cake reception).
You are making this more complicated than it needs to be. Just have a cake reception in CA with your family and then go Vegas as a mini-moon.
What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests. Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated.
If you and your FI are eloping, then your wedding is all about YOU. If you invite guests, their comfort and convenience become the priority. You seem to want the wedding to be about YOU. Please elope.
Re: Cake-only reception, followed by non-included dinner??
At least you admit to being selfish and rude. Don't be surprised if your family talks about this debacle for decades.
PPs have given you options to properly host for less than the $4,400 you quoted above. You just don't care, and that is SHOCKING. (OH and most of us are paying for our weddings and receptions so you are not in any way unique).
Do you ever plan to host any event ever?
A lot of this to me tells me that you've joined the workforce and you're new to....adulting.
Hosting people you love and care about without expecting them to finance the event is something grown ups do.
Thinking of yourselves first and refusing to spend money on others is something I'm teaching my 6 year old not to do.
All I can say is that if I was a friend or a family member and I knew you were a new professional making decent money and you went with this plan, I wouldn't attend your Vegas wedding, I would think twice about sending any gift and my opinion of you would be forever changed and not for the better.
You may be grown up enough to be married but I think you missed a lot of lessons in how to treat other people.
But like, not really
Why would you ask families with financial struggles to travel to Vegas for your wedding?
Why would you bait and switch the guests? If more people decline then if anyone in your imaginary family shows up they might get a dinner? Did you set a threshold in your imaginary budget where the switch flips from cake to meal?
What about the night of your wedding? Are you paying for their dinner? Dinner in Vegas is much more pricey than ramen at home. Or do you not care if they eat once they are there?
Please have a simple ceremony in California. Easy and no fuss. My niece was married like this a few weeks ago.
STARMOON44 You're misinterpreting (as is everyone else, which is why I clarified) what I meant by "struggling family." I'm referring to my own family, whom I regularly help.
banana468 Because I am paying for those particular members, so I don't see it to be an issue to invited them. Not an extra part of the budget, just that if we have enough saved up come the time of the wedding, we'll feed who is there- but it's not guaranteed.
I bet they'll love to feel like a charity.
I think people are just saying, or one of the options people are saying, is that it is better, nicer, and more polite to invite fewer people and feed them. Than it is to invite more people, most of whom it doesn't even seem like you care are there anyway, and only host a 1-hour reception with cake.
I know you have said that your guests would rather be invited, even if it only means cake. But, then again, is a close friend or family member really going to say, "WTF? No. I'd be really annoyed and think you and FI are cheap azzes, if you invite me to a destination wedding and only host me with a slice of cake." They're not even going to say that more nicely than I just did. They're just going to nod along that "of course we want to attend your wedding."
I know you see it like it is NBD. If they don't want to go under the circumstances, they don't have to go. While that is true, it can also leave a bad taste in people's mouths for a very long time. To me, it's better to receive no invitation than an offensive one.
---------------------------------------------------------------
I can't help myself, I even have a Vegas-related analogy
. Not a perfect analogy, but I'm seeing similarities. I'm a Diamond member at Harrahs and get free drinks, whether I'm playing or not, at all Harrahs casinos. I live in New Orleans and play at the Harrahs in this city. I haven't been to Vegas in 15 years.
My birthday is this month. Harrahs e-mailed me a "birthday gift". One free drink at any of their properties in Las Vegas. Not New Orleans. Only Las Vegas properties.
I was SO PI**ED OFF and totally insulted. They could have just sent me a Happy Birthday e-mail and left it at that. Fine. Great. But to send me such a pathetic, pointless, and useless "gift"...was so much worse. Because it screamed to me how little they give a s**t about me and my patronage of their business.
I realize this was some computer generated e-mail. And if human beings actually worked in their marketing department, one of them could make the argument of, "If she doesn't want to fly halfway across the country to get a free cocktail...that would be free at any Harrahs she went to anyway...she doesn't have to do that." Sure. I guess that's technically true. Or they could just not insult me by sending a b.s. gift with a $10 value, that would cost me $1K-$2K and a lot of time to obtain.
You are making this more complicated than it needs to be. Just have a cake reception in CA with your family and then go Vegas as a mini-moon.