I can't tell if I'm being a bitch...

ellamber · January 2018

Okay. My fbil is getting married 6 wks after my FH and I. They asked us if it was okay, and we said yes, why would we care? Because we don't. Anywho...

Every other week or so, they ask a question about our wedding, for example, what our colors are, what our theme is, what my dress looks like, etc because they don't want to do something similar. Part of me feels like it's nice that theyre asking, but the other part of me wants at least some elements of my wedding to not be known, and if they are that worried, then they can wait to attend ours before the plan theirs. There is no way our weddings are going to be similar enough that someone would care, I certainly don't, and weddings as a whole tend to be a bit "trendy" year to year anyway.

So anyway, am I a bitch if I just say, you plan your wedding and we will plan ours and lets just leave it at that? We dont have set colors or a theme or anything like that, so there are no answers to give most of the time. Maybe I'm just frustrated. I almost feel like its four people planning my wedding instead of FH and I.

MesmrEwe · January 2018

Think of it as the B&G have some relative who is a "one-upper or pearl clencher" and want to avoid any risk of their wedding matching yours... This is where just asking and listening to their fear then saying "You could have the exact same everything as us and your wedding day would still be your wedding day and unique to you! Choose how you want things to be independent of what we are doing and enjoy the process! And for that, we don't want to discuss more details other than who we're using for vendors if you need recommendations!" (which let's face it, if you've got an awesome baker, who wouldn't want their dessert 6 weeks later! kwim!)

ellamber · January 2018

MesmrEwe said:

Think of it as the B&G have some relative who is a "one-upper or pearl clencher" and want to avoid any risk of their wedding matching yours... This is where just asking and listening to their fear then saying "You could have the exact same everything as us and your wedding day would still be your wedding day and unique to you! Choose how you want things to be independent of what we are doing and enjoy the process! And for that, we don't want to discuss more details other than who we're using for vendors if you need recommendations!" (which let's face it, if you've got an awesome baker, who wouldn't want their dessert 6 weeks later! kwim!)

I agree, if they were asking for vendor recommendations or something like, hey have you checked this place out? That would be one thing. Our weddings are in two different states, so thats not it. What makes me a little sad is that I'm sure Fsil has been thinking about and planning her dream wedding for whoever knows how long, and now feels like they have to ask us if things are okay, while I personally would get married wearing a potato sack in a rain storm.

I will, at the next question (which will probably be next week) respond with a message similar to what you wrote.

charlotte989875 · January 2018

ellamber said:

Okay. My fbil is getting married 6 wks after my FH and I. They asked us if it was okay, and we said yes, why would we care? Because we don't. Anywho...

Every other week or so, they ask a question about our wedding, for example, what our colors are, what our theme is, what my dress looks like, etc because they don't want to do something similar. Part of me feels like it's nice that theyre asking, but the other part of me wants at least some elements of my wedding to not be known, and if they are that worried, then they can wait to attend ours before the plan theirs. There is no way our weddings are going to be similar enough that someone would care, I certainly don't, and weddings as a whole tend to be a bit "trendy" year to year anyway.

So anyway, am I a bitch if I just say, you plan your wedding and we will plan ours and lets just leave it at that? We dont have set colors or a theme or anything like that, so there are no answers to give most of the time. Maybe I'm just frustrated. I almost feel like its four people planning my wedding instead of FH and I.

I mean I think saying “you plans yours, we plan ours and leave it at that” is a little harsh. Sounds like they’re trying to be respectful (and I agree they definitely dont have to) of your wedding choices; if that’s all it is why is it a big deal. You say you don’t care about the details, but then also say you want some things to be a surprise? I guess that seems contradictory. If you don’t want to share, or don’t have anything to share, just say “oh we haven’t finalized that” and change the subject. It really shouldn’t need to be anything more complicated than that.

lyndausvi · January 2018

Outside of my dress I had no problem sharing anything with people. Guests included. I'm pretty sure my husband talked about details about our wedding to his brother and he wasn't even getting married. I did the same with my sister. IDK, normal sibling talk if you are some-what close.

As a guest I can't say I've been surprised or even excited by items like colors of BM dresses or what was served for dinner.

Sure each wedding will be unique, but there will be comparisons with weddings so being so close with crossover guests.

IDK, I don't think every little detail needs to be shared, but I don't see the big deal of sharing some information like BM dress colors and menu items?

Song lists, details of your dress, the details of the ceremony. Yeah, that gets a little too much. But basics, why not?

LondonLisa · January 2018

Just say ‘you are so kind to be concerned about overlap, but I’m really not worried. I’m sure people will see them as two separate events, regardless of if we accidentally pick the same colour etc. I know wedding planning is stressful,so I really don’t want to add another layer on top by having you be concerned about similarities. They’re both going to be wonderful no matter what!’

That is the polite equivalent of saying ‘you do you’.

missJeanLouise · January 2018

I kind of understand their curiosity. I was overwhelmed by options sometimes so if someone close to me was also wedding planning I would be curious as to what they are doing. If I was trying to decide between lanterns or books for centerpieces and I knew they were doing books then I would go the other direction, YKWIM?

Sure it is annoying but they probably just trying to narrow down options. If they start saying things like “oh we can’t do that because ellamber is doing it” then that is ridiculous and not your problem.

ellamber · January 2018

Sorry! I had so much trouble logging on. So part of my dismay with these questions is, although they COULD be coming from a good place, I don't feel they are. Here's how the color question went:

fbil: what colors are you guys using for your wedding?
me: oh we don't really have a theme, we are kind of just picking whatever is pretty.
fbil: ok well we are going to use gold and green.

So it seems like.. they are almost asking so that they can tell us what they are doing, so if we were going to do it we then can't. Like if they say it first, then its off limits. Its not "ZOMG SO HAPPY HOWS YOUR WEDDING PLANNING GOING?" its more "We picked this, what did you pick so we know if we should/shouldn't change our plans?" like a little wedding competition.

Anywho, I'll just try to be diplomatic and answer without being an asshole, cuz lets be real, sometimes i am.

lyndausvi · January 2018

I still don't see what the big deal is.

I think your response of "we are kind of just king whatever is pretty" is strange. What does what your color might be have to do with being pretty? Don't most people pick out their version of pretty?

My sister and brother got married 9 months apart. They talked/compared details without it being a competition. Their colors were the same. Flowers different. Tuxes were different. Food was similar. Can't remember other details.

I have a bunch of sibling cousins who got married around the same time. They also talked about details of their weddings to each other. Heck, their receptions were even in the same venue. Some things were similar, others not.

IDK, I feel like you are actually annoyed they are getting married 6 weeks after you and trying to nick-pick everything they ask. It's hardly unusual for siblings to talk about their weddings plans with each other without a motive.

And what if there was a motive that they don't want to use the same colors as you because the weddings are so close together. Is it really such a big deal to be concerned over? Since their seem to have a color they like and I didn't, I would stay away from their colors. NBD

ellamber · January 2018

Well, that's why I said I can't tell if Im being a bitch. It seems like I'm just reading into it, which I thought might be the case but it always helps to have third party perspective.

lovesclimbing · January 2018

So two of my sisters got engaged at the same time and got married about six months apart. "Chrysanthemum" got married first and "Magnolia" got married second.

I was talking to Magnolia recently and found out that Chrysanthemum had some ideas like it sounds like your BIL may have. Chrysanthemum didn't take up any of Magnolia's offers to help with planning and diy ahead of time (unusual in our family - everyone pitches in), and Chrysanthemum didn't want to talk about anything and didn't think they should talk about their weddings to each other.

It's now been several years, and Magnolia told me that Chrysanthemum recently apologized and said she shouldn't have made such a big deal of it. In hindsight, Chrysanthemum apparently said that she wishes she would have let Magnolia take charge of some things and do what she offered. Chrysanthemum has a quieter and less take charge personality while Magnolia was very comfortable taking charge of something and saying to the other people helping "you do this, you do this, you do this," and making sure it got done.

Really, I don't think it's a huge deal to talk about your weddings. I'd be fine saying something like, "I don't think it's a big deal to talk about weddings if it comes up. If some things end up being the same, no one will notice or care." And go from there.

ellamber · January 2018

lovesclimbing said:

So two of my sisters got engaged at the same time and got married about six months apart. "Chrysanthemum" got married first and "Magnolia" got married second.

I was talking to Magnolia recently and found out that Chrysanthemum had some ideas like it sounds like your BIL may have. Chrysanthemum didn't take up any of Magnolia's offers to help with planning and diy ahead of time (unusual in our family - everyone pitches in), and Chrysanthemum didn't want to talk about anything and didn't think they should talk about their weddings to each other.

It's now been several years, and Magnolia told me that Chrysanthemum recently apologized and said she shouldn't have made such a big deal of it. In hindsight, Chrysanthemum apparently said that she wishes she would have let Magnolia take charge of some things and do what she offered. Chrysanthemum has a quieter and less take charge personality while Magnolia was very comfortable taking charge of something and saying to the other people helping "you do this, you do this, you do this," and making sure it got done.

Really, I don't think it's a huge deal to talk about your weddings. I'd be fine saying something like, "I don't think it's a big deal to talk about weddings if it comes up. If some things end up being the same, no one will notice or care." And go from there.

and that's what we've said. It's not that I don't want to talk about it, it just seems, to me, that its more "Are you doing this because we want to do that" and that's fine I guess, it just is kind of getting annoying. It's never a happy friendly regular conversation about our weddings, its more of an interview.

charlotte989875 · January 2018

I'm with @lyndausvi and I don't get why it's such a big deal, or why you're annoyed, TBH. My sister and I got married ~7 months apart in the same city, two of our cousins (also sisters) got married in between our weddings, as did a good friend of mine. Now my sister and I shared a lot; she asked for suggestions, I asked her for advice on vendors; it was great.

Are things typically a competition between you and your sister? Also, do they not want to use something you're using, or are they worried you'll get upset if they pick something you're interested in? I guess I'm not seeing anything wrong with what they're asking, or really what the problem is.

southernbelle0915 · January 2018

Meh, if you're annoyed by it, just be like "we want some things to be a surprise and we don't care if we end up doing the same thing" then change the subject. You don't have to give people everything they want all the time.

ei34 · January 2018

One of my sisters and I were engaged three days apart and married 6 months apart. It was fun bouncing ideas, vendor quotes, etc. off of each other. I don't think it's bitchy per se to not want to share anything, but I also don't see what the big deal is that he's asking/sharing his own details. I like @southernbelle0915 's wording if it's important to you that everyone be surprised.

ellamber · January 2018

charlotte989875 said:

I'm with @lyndausvi and I don't get why it's such a big deal, or why you're annoyed, TBH. My sister and I got married ~7 months apart in the same city, two of our cousins (also sisters) got married in between our weddings, as did a good friend of mine. Now my sister and I shared a lot; she asked for suggestions, I asked her for advice on vendors; it was great.

Are things typically a competition between you and your sister? Also, do they not want to use something you're using, or are they worried you'll get upset if they pick something you're interested in? I guess I'm not seeing anything wrong with what they're asking, or really what the problem is.

________________________________________________________

This is FH's brother and his fiance. I am not normally competitive with them, but it just seems to me its never like a friendly conversation. I don't know, maybe its the way I'm interpreting it to be.

kahluakoala · January 2018

ellamber said:

charlotte989875 said:

I'm with @lyndausvi and I don't get why it's such a big deal, or why you're annoyed, TBH. My sister and I got married ~7 months apart in the same city, two of our cousins (also sisters) got married in between our weddings, as did a good friend of mine. Now my sister and I shared a lot; she asked for suggestions, I asked her for advice on vendors; it was great.

Are things typically a competition between you and your sister? Also, do they not want to use something you're using, or are they worried you'll get upset if they pick something you're interested in? I guess I'm not seeing anything wrong with what they're asking, or really what the problem is.

________________________________________________________

This is FH's brother and his fiance. I am not normally competitive with them, but it just seems to me its never like a friendly conversation. I don't know, maybe its the way I'm interpreting it to be.

It could possibly be, and I kind of relate. My best friend and MOH (I am MOH for her as well) is getting married like 9 months before me. Her wedding will be lovely, but there are a lot of things she's doing that I'm not interested in and don't want. Sometimes it's awkward when she's like, "Let me help you with your wedding timeline!" and I know she has a ton of extra picture opportunities and stuff I don't want to do built in, or will try and give me really specific advice on something I'm not interested in. For example, her wedding is on a Friday night, and I was venue shopping and she said something like, "Be sure to ask about Fridays and Sundays because you can get a discount!". FI and I had already decided a Saturday wedding was a priority for us, and I was just kind of like, "Ok I'll check!" and thought it was over, but then as I was telling her which venue I loved and was thinking of booking, she came back that she saw online that their Friday price was $75 less PP and so I had to directly be like, "We do not want a Friday wedding.". It's just a little awkward when you feel like things are competing or answering questions is a value judgment. It doesn't have to be awkward, but sometimes it is, you know?

Edit: I am a regular-ish poster (KahulaKoala) but my username got deleted and I can't get it back!

ellamber · January 2018

knottie7327b30dd7b0e374 said:

ellamber said:

charlotte989875 said:

I'm with @lyndausvi and I don't get why it's such a big deal, or why you're annoyed, TBH. My sister and I got married ~7 months apart in the same city, two of our cousins (also sisters) got married in between our weddings, as did a good friend of mine. Now my sister and I shared a lot; she asked for suggestions, I asked her for advice on vendors; it was great.

Are things typically a competition between you and your sister? Also, do they not want to use something you're using, or are they worried you'll get upset if they pick something you're interested in? I guess I'm not seeing anything wrong with what they're asking, or really what the problem is.

________________________________________________________

This is FH's brother and his fiance. I am not normally competitive with them, but it just seems to me its never like a friendly conversation. I don't know, maybe its the way I'm interpreting it to be.

It could possibly be, and I kind of relate. My best friend and MOH (I am MOH for her as well) is getting married like 9 months before me. Her wedding will be lovely, but there are a lot of things she's doing that I'm not interested in and don't want. Sometimes it's awkward when she's like, "Let me help you with your wedding timeline!" and I know she has a ton of extra picture opportunities and stuff I don't want to do built in, or will try and give me really specific advice on something I'm not interested in. For example, her wedding is on a Friday night, and I was venue shopping and she said something like, "Be sure to ask about Fridays and Sundays because you can get a discount!". FI and I had already decided a Saturday wedding was a priority for us, and I was just kind of like, "Ok I'll check!" and thought it was over, but then as I was telling her which venue I loved and was thinking of booking, she came back that she saw online that their Friday price was $75 less PP and so I had to directly be like, "We do not want a Friday wedding.". It's just a little awkward when you feel like things are competing or answering questions is a value judgment. It doesn't have to be awkward, but sometimes it is, you know?

Edit: I am a regular-ish poster (KahulaKoala) but my username got deleted and I can't get it back!

_________________________________________________________________

Right. I mean, I'm not out to be rude or a bitch, but the conversations never start with something like I found these super cute bridesmaids dresses, what do you think you guys will do? its more, Are you doing (A) because we would really like to but we don't want to do it if you are.

Part of me feels like they are coming from a place of not wanting to step on toes, but I'm just finding it more annoying than anything else. I could just be an asshole lol. A lot of our wedding planning and ideas have not been getting received well by FH's family, so I think its also some paranoia on my end not wanting to share details so they cant nitpick them.

missJeanLouise · January 2018

ellamber said:

knottie7327b30dd7b0e374 said:

ellamber said:

charlotte989875 said:

I'm with @lyndausvi and I don't get why it's such a big deal, or why you're annoyed, TBH. My sister and I got married ~7 months apart in the same city, two of our cousins (also sisters) got married in between our weddings, as did a good friend of mine. Now my sister and I shared a lot; she asked for suggestions, I asked her for advice on vendors; it was great.

Are things typically a competition between you and your sister? Also, do they not want to use something you're using, or are they worried you'll get upset if they pick something you're interested in? I guess I'm not seeing anything wrong with what they're asking, or really what the problem is.

________________________________________________________

This is FH's brother and his fiance. I am not normally competitive with them, but it just seems to me its never like a friendly conversation. I don't know, maybe its the way I'm interpreting it to be.

It could possibly be, and I kind of relate. My best friend and MOH (I am MOH for her as well) is getting married like 9 months before me. Her wedding will be lovely, but there are a lot of things she's doing that I'm not interested in and don't want. Sometimes it's awkward when she's like, "Let me help you with your wedding timeline!" and I know she has a ton of extra picture opportunities and stuff I don't want to do built in, or will try and give me really specific advice on something I'm not interested in. For example, her wedding is on a Friday night, and I was venue shopping and she said something like, "Be sure to ask about Fridays and Sundays because you can get a discount!". FI and I had already decided a Saturday wedding was a priority for us, and I was just kind of like, "Ok I'll check!" and thought it was over, but then as I was telling her which venue I loved and was thinking of booking, she came back that she saw online that their Friday price was $75 less PP and so I had to directly be like, "We do not want a Friday wedding.". It's just a little awkward when you feel like things are competing or answering questions is a value judgment. It doesn't have to be awkward, but sometimes it is, you know?

Edit: I am a regular-ish poster (KahulaKoala) but my username got deleted and I can't get it back!

_________________________________________________________________

Right. I mean, I'm not out to be rude or a bitch, but the conversations never start with something like I found these super cute bridesmaids dresses, what do you think you guys will do? its more, Are you doing (A) because we would really like to but we don't want to do it if you are.

Part of me feels like they are coming from a place of not wanting to step on toes, but I'm just finding it more annoying than anything else. I could just be an asshole lol. A lot of our wedding planning and ideas have not been getting received well by FH's family, so I think its also some paranoia on my end not wanting to share details so they cant nitpick them.

I think you are right, they don’t want to step on any toes. It seems like they are coming to once they have already decided and just want to give you a heads up. How often do you talk with them? You said they ask something every couple weeks, is this how often you get together? Do they ask you directly or go through your FH? Maybe the next time you see them, flip the script and ask them how planning is going? It sounds like they want to talk about what they are doing more than care what you are doing. They just sound excited and want someone to share with.

I can't tell if I'm being a bitch...

Re: I can't tell if I'm being a bitch...

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