Wedding Woes
ahoywedding
member
Can I help this friend?
in Wedding Woes
I'm not sure if there's anything we can do, but throwing it out there just in case.
I have a friend who's been unemployed for about a year and a half. She's exhausted any unemployment benefits obviously, and gets a small amount of food stamps. She hasn't been trying super hard to find work, and refuses to look at retail, restaurant, etc. The city she lives in is pretty service-industry oriented (smallish beach town). Her uncle had given her some money to take an EMT course, but she is still finishing that and said there aren't many jobs where she lives. Otherwise her family isn't real supportive. Well she texted me today that now she's homeless. She had been living in a condo and renting from the owners, but they plan to retire soon and want their beach home back so they gave her a two month notice to find a new place.
I feel so bad for her, but I'm not sure what we can do to help. She wants to get into healthcare and I work in that field so I suggested getting her CNA certification, as there's a good size hospital in town that's always hiring. She said she feels no need to get that, and that's not what she wants to do. In my head I'm like but.... It's a JOB. We live about 2.5 hours away. I work from home, so her staying with us isn't really any option. Any thoughts?
I have a friend who's been unemployed for about a year and a half. She's exhausted any unemployment benefits obviously, and gets a small amount of food stamps. She hasn't been trying super hard to find work, and refuses to look at retail, restaurant, etc. The city she lives in is pretty service-industry oriented (smallish beach town). Her uncle had given her some money to take an EMT course, but she is still finishing that and said there aren't many jobs where she lives. Otherwise her family isn't real supportive. Well she texted me today that now she's homeless. She had been living in a condo and renting from the owners, but they plan to retire soon and want their beach home back so they gave her a two month notice to find a new place.
I feel so bad for her, but I'm not sure what we can do to help. She wants to get into healthcare and I work in that field so I suggested getting her CNA certification, as there's a good size hospital in town that's always hiring. She said she feels no need to get that, and that's not what she wants to do. In my head I'm like but.... It's a JOB. We live about 2.5 hours away. I work from home, so her staying with us isn't really any option. Any thoughts?
Re: Can I help this friend?
Does she have any kind of degree or certification already, aside from the EMT thing? What about phlebotomist training, if CNA doesn't appeal?
I feel for your friend. It's so hard to be in such a tough place. But, at the same time, the harsh truth is that she needs to get off her high horse and get her head out of the sand.
There are limited employment opps in the beach town she has chosen to stay in. She needs to take what she can get and stop waiting for some unicorn opportunity. Waiting tables is not glamorous. I've done it. But it can pay decent money. The writing has been on the wall for awhile. Personally, I can't begin to understand why she didn't take something, ANYTHING. It's not forever. It's to get by, until she is done with her schooling and then finds a job in that field.
About 6 years ago, I lost my job at the height of the UE crisis. I usually didn't have trouble finding a new opportunity, but I sure did then. There were few jobs to even send my resume to. And I live in a medium sized city. It was over a year until I found another f/t job.
In the meantime...
Did I want to take a temp gig passing out olive samples at Sam's Club for half the money (per hour) I previously made? No. No I did not, lol. Did I want to take a very p/t job making a third less (per hour) than what I previously did and was over a 30 minute drive away. No. No I did not again.
But I hustled to make whatever bits of extra money I could find. Because that is what I needed to do to survive until life got financially better.
The problem is, you can be her cheerleader and give her all of the pep talk of "just find something for now, it's not forever", but she needs to make that decision and see that for herself. She might be suffering from depression, which can be its own vicious circle. As in, she doesn't bother trying to do something different because she feels hopeless.
It's hard to see someone you care about in desperate straits. But don't take that guilt onto yourself or feel responsible for "saving her".
i know things like depression can contribute to cases like, this, but at the same time, you can't force this woman to get help.
What kind of job Job did she have before losing it? My guess is she is the kind of person who things always work out for even when they shouldn’t and she just assumes someone else will swoop in and save her bc that is what always happens. Don’t be that person.
Servers at the right restaurants make $500 in tips on a Friday or Saturday night. Trader Joe’s pays $18/hr. Etc. Just things I’d remind her of if she feels above retail and food service.
CNA, a home health aide, a phlebotomist, a medical biller...all good health care jobs that don’t require too much training. Is she open to moving somewhere where there are better EMT employment opportunities?
This is obviously without knowing her, but it sounds like she doesn't truly understand the impact of what true homelessness is and is waiting for someone to save her, give her money/a place to live/pay her way. Unless you're actually willing to do that (it doesn't sound like you are) this may just be a time when she has figure it out on her own.
PS. My daughter still has nightmares about being a server at a Bob Evan's Restaurant. It really helped her get through college, and she graduated with top honors!
It may not be what she wants, but at a certain point...what you do for work doesn't fucking matter. Being able to keep a roof over your head without begging friends or family to take you in and/or provide other means of support does matter.
She may have to move from her small beach town to live her EMT dream or suck it up and go into the tourist industry if she wants to stay. Her family may be on to something in telling her to stand on her own.
As harsh as it may seem that her family isn't providing much help, they may have been through her being entitled and unrealistic about things before and just can't deal with it again. If you want to offer some advice or moral support from afar, that's fine, but really, anything else is just enabling her and allowing her to take advantage of you (which she will).
To answer some questions, she has a Master's in some kind of health science (she was very vague about it and hasn't used it, but it's something like exercise science). She previously worked for some sketchy for-profit colleges and volunteers as a coach for the Special Olympics, so she's only looking at jobs in higher education or working with people with disabilities. That was kind of what prompted me to suggest getting her CNA certification; she was looking at home caregiver type jobs, and I mentioned she may look more reputable with some kind of certification. She thinks she shouldn't take a minimum wage job because she has her Master's. She does want to move, but that takes money. I've told her she could stay with us in the past IF she has an interview in our area and H said he'd make sure she was gone after a day or two lol. I don't know that EMT is her dream job, but just something that kind of fell into her lap since her uncle paid for the course.
And I agree with all you about the hustling! I've worked some real shit jobs in the past, and would go back to them in a heartbeat if I suddenly lost my job and couldn't find a new one in my field. I've had 2-3 jobs while in college and pulled every kind of crap shift there is.
(Also apologies about the user name confusion, it's me, ahoywedding. I had joined The Bump and thought I could have two names but...womp womp. And now I can't change it back.)
SHE CHOSE to get a degree that isn't very employable in her field. SHE is CHOOSING not to apply for jobs that will pay. She is electing to avoid applying for jobs that will pay her.
Part of me wonders if she's depressed but she also sounds like she hasn't taken a lot of initiative on her own to improve herself.
At this point, the only thing I'd do is talk to her realistically. 18 months is too long to be handled with kid gloves.
This may be a long relationship for you but depending on what she chooses I would probably find myself letting a friendship like this fade. It would be hard for me to be friends with someone who wants others to go out of their way to improve her life while not having her own skin in the game.
Except it's a tad different, he's gone back to school for 2 diff courses {restaurant related and security} but hasn't finished either - both are very close - and he hasn't worked in approx 6yrs. Only bonus is that he lives at home.
For our friend, we've reached out to try and help out but - like your friend - you can only try and help. You can open doors, make suggestions and do what you have been doing but you cannot force her to do anything.
Would moving home - or with family - help her out for a bit? At least she's not alone or homeless.
This is a person who refuses to help themselves. Coming to her rescue doesn't help her in the long term - it only hurts her. She's a big girl and can easily weather this.
There are a ton of people in her position who have decided that a minimum wage job beats being homeless. There’s a (sadly) large number of graduates who can’t find jobs in their fields. But instead of waiting for someone else to save them, they do what they have to do. That’s called being an adult.
I’m with @banana468. I would probably think about letting the friendship fade. You’re not abandoning a friend who is desperately trying to keep their head above water. She can swim, she’s just choosing not to.
She's too prideful to work a minimum wage job but not too prideful to ask others who DO work to give her money or a place to live? That's bullshit.
Has she ever asked you if there are things she could do for you for money or has she only asked for you to spend your money on her?
Can you take the opportunity to give her tough love? That you don't want to see her in an awful place but if she wants money she needs to earn it even if it's at a place that she doesn't like.
Essentially tell her the things you've written here.
Thus far I'm not seeing what her redeeming qualities are.
I don't think you need to let the friendship fade, though. She is going through a hard time - it's hard to lose your job and unsuccessful job hunting is emotionally exhausting! And, for many people who put a lot of stock/identity in their profession, it can mean a certain amount of disillusionment and even depression.
BUT her pride and narrow mindedness is her own worst enemy unfortunately. You have done all a friend can do. You've consoled, you've offered to help with her job hunt, you've given her a place to stay. But you don't have to do more, which IMHO, is enabling the situation.
Can I send you my resume, lol? I am kidding, but that sounds like it would have been a great opportunity for her (eyeroll).
Okay, everybody who loves their job and is doing work perfectly suited to their education and experience raise your hand! ***(crickets)***
I'm not doubting that this sucks however it doesn't sound like she's making a solid search for jobs and it's been over a year.
Edit: word