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Bonus from Prudie chat: This guy... ... ... smh

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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in Wedding Woes

Q. How to ask for an open relationship: I’ve been with my wife for eight years, married for three, and we recently had a baby. I love my wife, and I adore our baby girl, but while I love my wife, I’m not “in love” with her anymore, and I’m no longer attracted to her physically.
Our relationship is more like two roommates who share parenting duties. She is my best friend, and I love her like a sister. I don’t want a divorce. Instead, I want to ask her if I can open the relationship.

Of course if we open it, I’d be happy to let her date as well. How do I gently broach the topic without hurting her feelings? I love her and I want to be happy, and even though I’m no longer attracted to her, I want us to continue to be a family. She knows something is wrong, but I’m not sure how to tell her how I feel. Please help.

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Re: Bonus from Prudie chat: This guy... ... ... smh

  • levioosalevioosa member
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    Wow. This guy is a grade A asshole. 


    image
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  • MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
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    Let's assume he's serious and not trying to be an asshole for 2 seconds ....
    I feel like even if LW broaches his spouse about this right now she will take it horribly and personally.

    This is horrible timing on his part. Maybe she's not into having sex. Maybe she can't have sex for longer than typical because of delivery. Maybe she's already feeling self conscious about herself since she just had a baby ....

    Regardless whether she'd be interested in other situations, she will not be interested now.
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  • MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
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    @mrsconn23 I had a similar situation. The sex hadn't slowed, but I made out with an ex and split from the guy the next day - same thinking of the realization of what happened, and figured 'clearly something is missing'
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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    edited April 2018
    OMG @short+sassy, I had a similar situation with the ex that I mentioned above.  He swore he wasn't fucking around with anyone, but just couldn't call me his 'girlfriend'.  He was totally cheating on me the whole time (I don't have definitive proof), but would get mad about me being all, "You're not my boyfriend so..."  I was a naive moron about it all.  

    However, the second time around...I was all, "No labels and no restrictions, just fucking. I don't want to know what else you're up to and I'm sure as hell not telling you a damn thing."  It helped that I was over 21 at that point and had a group of friends that I went out with several nights a week. 

    He called me up one night as I was getting ready to go out with my friends and was all, "I have a GF now, so we gotta stop fucking."  I said, "OK. Is that all?  I'm getting ready to go downtown, so bye." I was pissed that he called me with that BS, because I was totally trying to turn our fucking into a relationship as I was blindly in love with him (even though we were terrible for one another), but I knew it was never going to happen and sure as hell didn't want him to know that I was trying not to pine away for him.   Not a month later the GF was no longer and we were hanging out again. 

    We were on and off until he moved away.  I saw him the last time a month before I met DH.  

    Ah...memories.  :D  My 21st year was me living my best life. 
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  • MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
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    @short+sassy  you're my hero for not saying that dripping with sarcasm. Idk if I couldn't have done it lol
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  • ei34ei34 member
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    What on earth??! I’m suddenly thankful for my sometimes annoying H.  Two minutes ago I thought the “you don’t have any hobbies” H was the scum of the earth, and now here we are.

    LW really wants to have his cake and eat it too.  He’s not “in love with” his wife, isn’t physically attracted to her, loves her like a sister/best friend...but wants to remain married?  An important part of marriage is passion.

    I feel worst for the wife.  Post partum I remember wishing the doctor’s no sex orders extended longer than six weeks.  I was drained, I was already giving my body 24 hours a day to breastfeeding, I just wasn’t in the mood.  But it felt good when H hinted at (or occasionally outright asked) to have sex. Like he thought I was attractive even when I didn’t.  At the very least I think LW should wait to spring this on his wife when the baby is closer to one.
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  • lovesclimbinglovesclimbing member
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    eileenrob said:
    What on earth??! I’m suddenly thankful for my sometimes annoying H.  Two minutes ago I thought the “you don’t have any hobbies” H was the scum of the earth, and now here we are.

    LW really wants to have his cake and eat it too.  He’s not “in love with” his wife, isn’t physically attracted to her, loves her like a sister/best friend...but wants to remain married?  An important part of marriage is passion.

    I feel worst for the wife.  Post partum I remember wishing the doctor’s no sex orders extended longer than six weeks.  I was drained, I was already giving my body 24 hours a day to breastfeeding, I just wasn’t in the mood.  But it felt good when H hinted at (or occasionally outright asked) to have sex. Like he thought I was attractive even when I didn’t.  At the very least I think LW should wait to spring this on his wife when the baby is closer to one.
    Oh, yes!
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  • MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
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    eileenrob said:
    What on earth??! I’m suddenly thankful for my sometimes annoying H.  Two minutes ago I thought the “you don’t have any hobbies” H was the scum of the earth, and now here we are.

    LW really wants to have his cake and eat it too.  He’s not “in love with” his wife, isn’t physically attracted to her, loves her like a sister/best friend...but wants to remain married?  An important part of marriage is passion.

    I feel worst for the wife.  Post partum I remember wishing the doctor’s no sex orders extended longer than six weeks.  I was drained, I was already giving my body 24 hours a day to breastfeeding, I just wasn’t in the mood.  But it felt good when H hinted at (or occasionally outright asked) to have sex. Like he thought I was attractive even when I didn’t.  At the very least I think LW should wait to spring this on his wife when the baby is closer to one.
    Tbh I'm kinda in this boat now.
    I feel huge sometimes, so it's a total self esteem boost :)
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  • ahoyweddingahoywedding member
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    mrsconn23 said:
    OMG @short+sassy, I had a similar situation with the ex that I mentioned above.  He swore he wasn't fucking around with anyone, but just couldn't call me his 'girlfriend'.  He was totally cheating on me the whole time (I don't have definitive proof), but would get mad about me being all, "You're not my boyfriend so..."  I was a naive moron about it all.  

    However, the second time around...I was all, "No labels and no restrictions, just fucking. I don't want to know what else you're up to and I'm sure as hell not telling you a damn thing."  It helped that I was over 21 at that point and had a group of friends that I went out with several nights a week. 

    He called me up one night as I was getting ready to go out with my friends and was all, "I have a GF now, so we gotta stop fucking."  I said, "OK. Is that all?  I'm getting ready to go downtown, so bye." I was pissed that he called me with that BS, because I was totally trying to turn our fucking into a relationship as I was blindly in love with him (even though we were terrible for one another), but I knew it was never going to happen and sure as hell didn't want him to know that I was trying not to pine away for him.   Not a month later the GF was no longer and we were hanging out again. 

    We were on and off until he moved away.  I saw him the last time a month before I met DH.  

    Ah...memories.  :D  My 21st year was me living my best life. 
    Y'all have the rest of this covered, but ditto.  :D:D Sometimes I miss the ability to be an irresponsible ass, but then I realize it's okay to be a grown up.
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  • artbyallieartbyallie mod
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    I swear this exact letter was posted to reddit. Hang on, I'm going to try and find it.
    image
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  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 member
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    Sorry to be late to this party, but... my Bump group just had another relationship bite the dust this way. This poor SAHM is nearly 8 months pp and her husband told her he's not in love with her anymore. Except for asking for an open relationship, he wants a prompt divorce. 
    Fuck these guys who can't handle bringing a baby into the world and all the changes that come with it. 
    ________________________________


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  • banana468banana468 member
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    thisismynickname2 said:
    Sorry to be late to this party, but... my Bump group just had another relationship bite the dust this way. This poor SAHM is nearly 8 months pp and her husband told her he's not in love with her anymore. Except for asking for an open relationship, he wants a prompt divorce. 
    Fuck these guys who can't handle bringing a baby into the world and all the changes that come with it. 
    I have SO LITTLE respect for someone who wants a "prompt divorce" 8 months after the birth of his kid unless said divorce also comes with stipulations like sleeping on the couch and agreeing to still take shifts in the middle of the night during fevers, teething, stomach flus and diaper blow outs.


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  • MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
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    thisismynickname2 said:
    Sorry to be late to this party, but... my Bump group just had another relationship bite the dust this way. This poor SAHM is nearly 8 months pp and her husband told her he's not in love with her anymore. Except for asking for an open relationship, he wants a prompt divorce. 
    Fuck these guys who can't handle bringing a baby into the world and all the changes that come with it. 
    Fuck that guy.
    How's the SAHM doing with it?
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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
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    artbyallie said:
    I swear this exact letter was posted to reddit. Hang on, I'm going to try and find it.
    Did you find the thread you were looking for?  Variations on this theme pop up across different subs all of the time- r/relationships, r/AskReddit, r/fencesitters, r/childfree

    thisismynickname2 said:
    Sorry to be late to this party, but... my Bump group just had another relationship bite the dust this way. This poor SAHM is nearly 8 months pp and her husband told her he's not in love with her anymore. Except for asking for an open relationship, he wants a prompt divorce. 
    Fuck these guys who can't handle bringing a baby into the world and all the changes that come with it. 
    Were there issues in the marriage before they decided to have a child or just after?

    I've seen this scenario a number of times across the Reddit subs too- 1/2 of a couple is a fencesitter or actually doesn't want to have a child but does so anyway to appease their spouse/maintain the marriage, and then once the baby is born regrets having the child and considers divorce because they hate their life.

    A lot of people tell these OPs not to make any rash decisions and to try and stick it out until after the newborn phase is over, because that phase is a huge adjustment for everyone and truly sucks most of the time.  A lot of people also tell them to divorce as in the long run it's not really good for a child to be raised by a parent who doesn't want them- posters who were the children in those situations often give their perspectives.

    Everyone tells these OPs that they have a lifelong responsibility to this child, who is the consequence of their decision, no matter if they decide to stay or divorce.

    Sometimes the OPs come back and update us, and some do make it through the newborn phase and are happy they stayed in their marriage and had their child.  Some divorce.  And some stay in the marriage but are miserable and regret having the child.

    90% of these posts seem to be made by men, but there are women too.  There's a much greater stigma on women who don't want kids and it's compounded when you're a mother who admits that you honestly regret having them and aren't happy with your life.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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  • TrixieJessTrixieJess member
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    edited April 2018
    thisismynickname2 said:
    Sorry to be late to this party, but... my Bump group just had another relationship bite the dust this way. This poor SAHM is nearly 8 months pp and her husband told her he's not in love with her anymore. Except for asking for an open relationship, he wants a prompt divorce. 
    Fuck these guys who can't handle bringing a baby into the world and all the changes that come with it. 
    This is infuriating. The first year after having a baby is so stressful to your relationship. You are both so sleep deprived, mama's hormones are out of whack and everyone is adjusting to a new normal. I always tell my friends who are about to become new moms the same advice several moms told me, "pick your village". You need supports, whether that's friends, family or other moms. 

    ETA: and dads too. When DS was born, FI's saving grace was getting together weekly with his group of friends who are all dads and hanging out. It's what keeps them all sane. 
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  • MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    TrixieJess said:
    thisismynickname2 said:
    Sorry to be late to this party, but... my Bump group just had another relationship bite the dust this way. This poor SAHM is nearly 8 months pp and her husband told her he's not in love with her anymore. Except for asking for an open relationship, he wants a prompt divorce. 
    Fuck these guys who can't handle bringing a baby into the world and all the changes that come with it. 
    This is infuriating. The first year after having a baby is so stressful to your relationship. You are both so sleep deprived, mama's hormones are out of whack and everyone is adjusting to a new normal. I always tell my friends who are about to become new moms the same advice several moms told me, "pick your village". You need supports, whether that's friends, family or other moms. 

    ETA: and dads too. When DS was born, FI's saving grace was getting together weekly with his group of friends who are all dads and hanging out. It's what keeps them all sane. 
    First bolded, 100% yes. Reminds me of a post I saw on fb recently of a twitter interaction. Worst part is the girl is 100% correct and although the 2nd person is correct in a way, he doesn't realize how many relationships change.


    Image result for have a baby and see who your real friends are

    2nd bolded: My OB's office has an ad for a group of dads for newborns. It goes over PPD, being a new parent {first time or not}, etc
    Sounds like it's basically a group where dads can help other dads understand the mothers and validate their own issues/feelings/exhaustion.
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  • MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
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    banana468 said:
    I will say that I can be somewhat sympathetic that being a new dad can be a lot to handle.  I think DH had no clue about the hormonal surges I'd face, the inability to sit or bathe our kid (I was seriously anemic post partum and nearly passed out in the bathroom just putting Chiquita in the baby bath) but he stepped up because that's what non assholes do.  

    That said, I think there may need to be coaxing and support especially if you are ill equipped to deal with change or just don't know how to process it.

    That doesn't mean I have any sympathy for a dude who is an asshat.
    This. On top of being over tired and overwhelmed.

    Also .... yikes I didn't know you could become anemic in post pardum, is it common? {i've never heard of anyone dealing with that}
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