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NWR - gift guidelines for child's party

XrebeccaXXrebeccaX member
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
My sister has a control problem, which has lately come to manifest itself in the form of dictating what people may and may not give to my nephew for various occasions. For his first Christmas (he was only three months old) she requested no gifts at all. I think most people understood the nature of this request even if it took them by surprise. For his first birthday, she instructed "no gifts" but asked that everyone create a "memory book page" with a picture of themselves and a memory they wanted to share with my nephew....which he would be given at his high school graduation. I think this is a nice idea, but many people chose not to participate and instead brought a gift, or brought nothing. This upset my sister a great deal and now she says she is not even going to make a memory book because of "low participation."

Now my nephew is four and he will be attending a "day camp" starting in spring - kind of a pre-school experience with a nature/outdoors theme. On his birthday invitations this year my sister specified "no gifts please" BUT that if we HAD to bring him something, that it please be something he needed for day camp...followed by a list of items.

Is this type of thing common? It strikes me as very odd (and kinda tacky), and I have tried to ask her if she thinks it is really worth the effort to try and exert control over what people buy for my nephew and her reply is that she feels like she is being very helpful. In reality I think she just does not want to be overwhelmed with toys, clothes, and other things she considers clutter.

(For my part, I am giving him a card and taking him for ice cream on his birthday. I don't want to buy him anything "unauthorized" but I also hate being dictated to.)
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Re: NWR - gift guidelines for child's party

  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
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    edited April 2018
    XrebeccaX said:
    My sister has a control problem, which has lately come to manifest itself in the form of dictating what people may and may not give to my nephew for various occasions. For his first Christmas (he was only three months old) she requested no gifts at all. I think most people understood the nature of this request even if it took them by surprise. For his first birthday, she instructed "no gifts" but asked that everyone create a "memory book page" with a picture of themselves and a memory they wanted to share with my nephew....which he would be given at his high school graduation. I think this is a nice idea, but many people chose not to participate and instead brought a gift, or brought nothing. This upset my sister a great deal and now she says she is not even going to make a memory book because of "low participation."

    Now my nephew is four and he will be attending a "day camp" starting in spring - kind of a pre-school experience with a nature/outdoors theme. On his birthday invitations this year my sister specified "no gifts please" BUT that if we HAD to bring him something, that it please be something he needed for day camp...followed by a list of items.

    Is this type of thing common? It strikes me as very odd (and kinda tacky), and I have tried to ask her if she thinks it is really worth the effort to try and exert control over what people buy for my nephew and her reply is that she feels like she is being very helpful. In reality I think she just does not want to be overwhelmed with toys, clothes, and other things she considers clutter.

    (For my part, I am giving him a card and taking him for ice cream on his birthday. I don't want to buy him anything "unauthorized" but I also hate being dictated to.)
    Maybe this isn't quite etiquette approved but I don't think it's totally out of line what she's doing. Maybe her delivery is wrong, but it's her child and if there are things she doesn't want him to have, that's her right. I kind of love the memory book page idea (as a suggestion of what to do, not a requirement). 

    I don't think she has a right to get upset or angry with people that don't participate, or buy off her list, but I also don't think it's wrong to give suggestions. 
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  • LondonLisaLondonLisa member
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    I know people who keep Amazon wish lists for their kids solely for parents, aunties, uncles etc (when they explicitly ask).

    But on an invitation is ridiculous. I also think there is a challenge here with children, like weddings. Just because it is the centre of your universe doesn't mean that they are the centre of everyone elses. 

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  • MRDCleMRDCle member
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    I don't mind offering suggestions/keeping an Amazon wish list for if anyone asks (and I almost always ask when I get a child a present) but she's definitely going about this the wrong way. 
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  • MobKazMobKaz member
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    eileenrob said:

    I understand where your sister in coming from.  The only thing more overwhelming than my kids are my kids + an insane mountain of “stuff”.  H and I are minimalists and we don’t like clutter, and honestly, my kids are better able to focus/play independently when they have their favorite 1-2 toys and some art supplies in front of them as opposed to 20 different toys.  They get harried and don’t know where to look.

    That said, I’ve never personally given relatives the “don’t give us anything” speech.  It’s tempting!  But at the root of the gift-giving, it’s not about the physical gift.  The gifts are given to demonstrate an outpouring of love relatives have for my kids, and I feel blessed that they want to make the kids feel special.  

    If anyone ever asks, I do let them know we prefer experiences to physical items...if anyone wants to give a physical gift and asks for links to gifts I have an amazon wishlist...but people rarely ask.  And that’s okay :) 

    My husband and I always gift experiences and pre-school tuition for the most part.  When some family ask, DD will suggest gymnastics, swim classes or other experiences or non physical items.  Many of her peers host parties with the no gift disclaimer.  They abide by it because as friends, they all feel the same way about extra “stuff”.  Their parties are basically group play dates with cake.  It works for them.
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  • ei34ei34 member
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    MobKaz said:
    eileenrob said:

    I understand where your sister in coming from.  The only thing more overwhelming than my kids are my kids + an insane mountain of “stuff”.  H and I are minimalists and we don’t like clutter, and honestly, my kids are better able to focus/play independently when they have their favorite 1-2 toys and some art supplies in front of them as opposed to 20 different toys.  They get harried and don’t know where to look.

    That said, I’ve never personally given relatives the “don’t give us anything” speech.  It’s tempting!  But at the root of the gift-giving, it’s not about the physical gift.  The gifts are given to demonstrate an outpouring of love relatives have for my kids, and I feel blessed that they want to make the kids feel special.  

    If anyone ever asks, I do let them know we prefer experiences to physical items...if anyone wants to give a physical gift and asks for links to gifts I have an amazon wishlist...but people rarely ask.  And that’s okay :) 

    My husband and I always gift experiences and pre-school tuition for the most part.  When some family ask, DD will suggest gymnastics, swim classes or other experiences or non physical items.  Many of her peers host parties with the no gift disclaimer.  They abide by it because as friends, they all feel the same way about extra “stuff”.  Their parties are basically group play dates with cake.  It works for them.
    That totally makes sense- most kids in my experience are most excited about the social aspect and of course the cake :) Older DD asks to see the decorations I’m gathering for her Peppa Pig party next month on a daily basis...I don’t think it’s occurred to her that she may receive presents, she just wants the balloons and guests and cake.

    I tend to give day passes to the Hall of Science, Queens Zoo or Long Island Children’s Museum.  
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  • XrebeccaXXrebeccaX member
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    Thanks all. I do see where she is coming from in terms of the "stuff" aspect. And would not have thought twice had she told people - oh he's really into Paw Patrol (or whatever) right now, but he has a million sets of blocks already and we don't need clothes.

    Knowing her, I really do think she believes she's being "helpful" but it's all in the delivery I guess.
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  • banana468banana468 member
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    XrebeccaX said:
    Thanks all. I do see where she is coming from in terms of the "stuff" aspect. And would not have thought twice had she told people - oh he's really into Paw Patrol (or whatever) right now, but he has a million sets of blocks already and we don't need clothes.

    Knowing her, I really do think she believes she's being "helpful" but it's all in the delivery I guess.
    Yeah - the message may be the same but it's all in the delivery.

    Instead, what about approaching her with a "thing" that you'd like to get that's within reason?  Then you're not the auntie showing up with a drum set.


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  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic member
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    I agree it is in the delivery not the thought behind it. When our kids were little.  If relatives asked I gave them ideas (also to help ensure no duplicates). Looking forward as a Nana, I hope to be able to exert restraint and not spoil too much. I had an aunt who gave her grandchildren money (sizeable cash) for their college accounts every Christmas plus one fluffy thing. They made a big deal about taking a group picture of the kids holding up the money every Christmas. I'm thinking about doing a similar thing or as others have said museum/park passes.
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  • MobKazMobKaz member
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    ILoveBeachMusic said:
    I agree it is in the delivery not the thought behind it. When our kids were little.  If relatives asked I gave them ideas (also to help ensure no duplicates). Looking forward as a Nana, I hope to be able to exert restraint and not spoil too much. I had an aunt who gave her grandchildren money (sizeable cash) for their college accounts every Christmas plus one fluffy thing. They made a big deal about taking a group picture of the kids holding up the money every Christmas. I'm thinking about doing a similar thing or as others have said museum/park passes.
    The pain of restraint is real. It was easier in the early ages when the little ones didn’t know where the gifts came from.  I even justified the plethora of toys as “educational necessities” since my career is early childhood development.  However, as they become more cognizant, I have started to restrain myself.  I do not want to turn them into the “what did you bring me?” children!  So now they get a small gift to open, and their true gift is either an experience or money towards classes.  
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  • CasadenaCasadena member
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    Just in general why are people having birthday parties big enough to require real invitations if they are so particular about what people are giving their children?  Seems like if you are that specific about policing gifts that maybe you shouldn't be having a big party where one of the main objectives is giving gifts...idk.

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  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 member
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    Casadena said:

    Just in general why are people having birthday parties big enough to require real invitations if they are so particular about what people are giving their children?  Seems like if you are that specific about policing gifts that maybe you shouldn't be having a big party where one of the main objectives is giving gifts...idk.

    Well, because people like to celebrate and, at least in my circle, sometimes the kid parties are the rare excuse for the adults to actually all get together. 

    Can anyone provide advice on how to appropriately deliver the message about restraint on gifts? My kid will be one in July and I'm already dreading the gift situation because DH has a big family and his mom is already overly generous. We live in 800 square feet. There is no room for more stuff, period. Help! :) 
    ________________________________


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  • TrixieJessTrixieJess member
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    thisismynickname2 said:
    Casadena said:

    Just in general why are people having birthday parties big enough to require real invitations if they are so particular about what people are giving their children?  Seems like if you are that specific about policing gifts that maybe you shouldn't be having a big party where one of the main objectives is giving gifts...idk.

    Well, because people like to celebrate and, at least in my circle, sometimes the kid parties are the rare excuse for the adults to actually all get together. 

    Can anyone provide advice on how to appropriately deliver the message about restraint on gifts? My kid will be one in July and I'm already dreading the gift situation because DH has a big family and his mom is already overly generous. We live in 800 square feet. There is no room for more stuff, period. Help! :) 
    I straight out had FI tell his mom no more. She was buying DS something every time she came over and I told him it had to stop because I didn't want a spoiled child. She would also buy him clothes that were his age size that were waaaaay too small because she didn't listen when we told her what his size was. 

    With my mother it's a little easier because I have lists that I send her and she takes ideas from that, same with Aunties. I also mention that he loves things like the local museums and zoo. 
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  • MRDCleMRDCle member
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    thisismynickname2 said:
    Casadena said:

    Just in general why are people having birthday parties big enough to require real invitations if they are so particular about what people are giving their children?  Seems like if you are that specific about policing gifts that maybe you shouldn't be having a big party where one of the main objectives is giving gifts...idk.

    Well, because people like to celebrate and, at least in my circle, sometimes the kid parties are the rare excuse for the adults to actually all get together. 

    Can anyone provide advice on how to appropriately deliver the message about restraint on gifts? My kid will be one in July and I'm already dreading the gift situation because DH has a big family and his mom is already overly generous. We live in 800 square feet. There is no room for more stuff, period. Help! :) 
    It's person dependent for me.  I know it would crush my grandma if I told her to stop buying DS gifts, so I let her buy things, and then I either pack it away for him to play with when his current toys get boring, or return/donate some things. My parents and in-laws know we don't need toys so they get books/experiences.  If people ask I make suggestions (books usually). Also for Christmas, all the sibs/cousins have decided to draw names and each kid has one family buying for them, and we do a limit.  So each kid gets one or two small gifts.  I think it's a relief to us all from both a buyer and a receivers standpoint. 
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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
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    I see both sides of this coin. Sister's approach is a little entitled and rude, but I know where she's coming from. 

    If someone wants to buy my kid something, I can help with ideas of what he needs or would enjoy. Because I promise you, if you get him one more truck, I'm going to donate it to toys for tots - we already have a parking lot of trucks the size of a small metro airport. If you get him squeaky shoes or a noise maker, I am going to donate or sell them. If you get him clothing that is white and has tiny buttons, I will probably exchange it for something dark with elastic because he is messy and is learning to dress himself. 

    And these are all things people like to give children. So helping people figure out good, useful gifts isn't the worst thing a parent has ever done. But her delivery is what seems rude here.
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  • banana468banana468 member
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    thisismynickname2 said:
    Casadena said:

    Just in general why are people having birthday parties big enough to require real invitations if they are so particular about what people are giving their children?  Seems like if you are that specific about policing gifts that maybe you shouldn't be having a big party where one of the main objectives is giving gifts...idk.

    Well, because people like to celebrate and, at least in my circle, sometimes the kid parties are the rare excuse for the adults to actually all get together. 

    Can anyone provide advice on how to appropriately deliver the message about restraint on gifts? My kid will be one in July and I'm already dreading the gift situation because DH has a big family and his mom is already overly generous. We live in 800 square feet. There is no room for more stuff, period. Help! :) 
    Yup.  Kiddo birthdays are times that we have the family over.

    We also don't put restrictions on gifts but there are definitely times I look at my father and do not feel bad about telling him that the party noise makers are getting thrown out at the end of the night.  

    IMO, it's easier when the kids are younger and don't remember what they just got.   Then you can separate gifts into 'what works' and 'what consigns'.  As kiddos get older I just recommend working those topics into conversations before you're even sending the the invitations.  

    Most people without a point to prove "I'm the auntie and I'll buy what I want!"  will be receptive.  


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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    As an auntie myself, who has no kids of her own, I ALWAYS ask/look for guidance with my sister or mom, what my niece and nephew would like.  I have absolutely no idea, lol.

    This year, I feel like they're getting old enough I can just send checks.  I kind of hate to do that because it feels impersonal.  But I live 1,000+ miles away and hate mailing stuff.  I know they are involved in a lot of activities, so it feels like the right time to become Auntie Check.

    You all are making me feel better with all the talk of "less things, more experiences".

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  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic member
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    MobKaz said:
    short+sassy said:

    As an auntie myself, who has no kids of her own, I ALWAYS ask/look for guidance with my sister or mom, what my niece and nephew would like.  I have absolutely no idea, lol.

    This year, I feel like they're getting old enough I can just send checks.  I kind of hate to do that because it feels impersonal.  But I live 1,000+ miles away and hate mailing stuff.  I know they are involved in a lot of activities, so it feels like the right time to become Auntie Check.

    You all are making me feel better with all the talk of "less things, more experiences".

    Of all her aunts, DD had two that always gifted experiences.  Even as a teen, DD looked forward to those days.  Trips into the city, shopping excursions to "pick your own outfit", or even something as simple as lunch and a movie were anticipated with excitement.  Keep in mind, these outings were also sans parents, which was also met with enthusiasm.  These experiences really made her feel like "her own person".

    One aunt was "Auntie Savings Bond."  As a really young child this gift was obviously fairly dull.  But I can remember EXACTLY the reaction DD had when, as a junior in HS, she realized the full extent of those collective bonds.  She was extremely appreciative and excited to revisit those annual gifts.


    As grandparents, we have already gone to three children's theater productions, 3 ice shows, and several day trips to museums, zoos, and "amusement" parks.  We have also taken several 3-4 day trips to places within reasonable (5-6) hour driving distances.  The oldest is only turning 4.  We hope to make many of these experiences a tradition.  @ILoveBeachMusic, our most recent "road trip" was to the Children's Museum in Indianapolis last summer.  We plan to revisit it this June to see the new mega sport complex. 
    I've heard it is wonderful! I friend of mine is the director of the preschool there. She was DS1's preschool teacher. I can't wait to take my grandkids there when they come to visit Nana and Papa. Feel free to PM when you are coming!
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  • ernursejernursej member
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    I only give my nieces and nephews experiences. They pick an activity and lunch and we do it together. We’ve been to museums, zoos, painting pottery, cake decorating, climbing and even a ninja park. Lots of fun. 
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  • MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
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    Like PPs have said, I get where your sister is coming from - and as you said, delivery wasn't great.

    We've debated on preemptively making a list of things our LO will need for first xmas and first bday - even if it's not 'stuff' per say - and that way we can figure out a way of saying "hey she doesn't need 'stuff', but we do have things we're looking at doing if you want options" {ie; she's getting really into arts & crafts, so suggesting to a few people to look at stuff along those lines, etc}


    If your sister has a control problem by nature, it may be hard to get around this entirely though.
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    edited April 2018
    MobKaz said:
    short+sassy said:

    As an auntie myself, who has no kids of her own, I ALWAYS ask/look for guidance with my sister or mom, what my niece and nephew would like.  I have absolutely no idea, lol.

    This year, I feel like they're getting old enough I can just send checks.  I kind of hate to do that because it feels impersonal.  But I live 1,000+ miles away and hate mailing stuff.  I know they are involved in a lot of activities, so it feels like the right time to become Auntie Check.

    You all are making me feel better with all the talk of "less things, more experiences".

    Of all her aunts, DD had two that always gifted experiences.  Even as a teen, DD looked forward to those days.  Trips into the city, shopping excursions to "pick your own outfit", or even something as simple as lunch and a movie were anticipated with excitement.  Keep in mind, these outings were also sans parents, which was also met with enthusiasm.  These experiences really made her feel like "her own person".

    One aunt was "Auntie Savings Bond."  As a really young child this gift was obviously fairly dull.  But I can remember EXACTLY the reaction DD had when, as a junior in HS, she realized the full extent of those collective bonds.  She was extremely appreciative and excited to revisit those annual gifts.


    As grandparents, we have already gone to three children's theater productions, 3 ice shows, and several day trips to museums, zoos, and "amusement" parks.  We have also taken several 3-4 day trips to places within reasonable (5-6) hour driving distances.  The oldest is only turning 4.  We hope to make many of these experiences a tradition.  @ILoveBeachMusic, our most recent "road trip" was to the Children's Museum in Indianapolis last summer.  We plan to revisit it this June to see the new mega sport complex. 


    Sounds wonderful!  I'd love to do that, but live too far away to actually take them out for a day.  When will they invent those "transporter" machines, like in Star Trek, lol?

    I had an aunt who usually gave gifts when I was a child.  But, apparently, she gave my parents a $75 US Savings Bond for me when I was born.

    My mom completely forgot about it, lol.  One day, she was cleaning out her safety deposit box out and found it.  At the time, I was 20 and going on my first cruise two weeks later. 

    My aunt originally paid half it's face value and (I think) it matured after 8 years, something like that.  But, since it wasn't cashed in, it kept earning interest.  That thing was worth like $230!  A nice chunk of spending money for my trip and I was super excited at the unexpected windfall. 

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  • banana468banana468 member
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    My ILs have given things like membership to the local zoo as a gift.

    As our nieces and nephews age I'm a fan of something else like that.   It's a gift they can appreciate while not being STUFF.

    The other advantage though is that as kids age, the stuff changes and shrinks.  

    In our play area now are a train table, kitchen, kids table and two chairs, anywhere chair, two toy storage shelving units, 2 bins of blocks, two containers of Mega blocks a doll highchair, a doll bassinet and a container of hot wheels cars and two totes of Lego blocks.  The magna tiles and hot wheels ramp are not inside the play area and there's a small wagon, doll stroller, kiddo lawnmower and kiddo ride-on car along with a cozy coupe that are also not contained.     

    DH and I only purchased the Legos, kitchen, anywhere chair and train table and wagon.  We have been lucky enough to be gifted allllll that stuff.  But most of those things the kids will grow out of .... as they're getting old enough to express an opinion on the things that they want...
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  • MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
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    PrettyGirlLost said:
    MissKittyDanger said:
    Like PPs have said, I get where your sister is coming from - and as you said, delivery wasn't great.

    We've debated on preemptively making a list of things our LO will need for first xmas and first bday - even if it's not 'stuff' per say - and that way we can figure out a way of saying "hey she doesn't need 'stuff', but we do have things we're looking at doing if you want options" {ie; she's getting really into arts & crafts, so suggesting to a few people to look at stuff along those lines, etc}


    If your sister has a control problem by nature, it may be hard to get around this entirely though.
    Make the list, but don't mention it to anyone unless they directly ask you guys about what kind of gifts to buy your child.  Otherwise you risk coming off as presumptuous and pretentious, like OP's sister.
    Oh yeh, for sure. We don't plan on saying anything unless people ask if she needs anything - but I can almost guarantee someone will ask {maybe not myself, but my mum or MIL} about if they know what she likes/wants.
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  • levioosalevioosa member
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    Since my bff’s kid is too young to know what presents are, I’ve been giving her money towards college/investment funds. They’re big on investing, so I know it’s a welcomed gift. When he gets older I’ll try to give experiences or educational things. I might still give money to the college/investing fund, because at the rate it’s going, no one will be able to afford any sort of education in 20 years. 


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  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
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    I wish people could make more of an effort. I love giving a gift in a box with a bow. I also know people are overwhelmed by stuff. So I usually buy a book, or a box of crayons, or an item of clothing. I think people who get seven massive plastic toys are ruining it for the rest of us!
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  • ei34ei34 member
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    STARMOON44 said:
    I wish people could make more of an effort. I love giving a gift in a box with a bow. I also know people are overwhelmed by stuff. So I usually buy a book, or a box of crayons, or an item of clothing. I think people who get seven massive plastic toys are ruining it for the rest of us!
    A book or art supplies are my favorite physical gifts.
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