• Images
  • Text
  • Find a Couple + Registry
GO
Snarky Brides

Future SIL

2

Re: Future SIL

  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    banana468 said:
    I think I'd pick another hill to die on.  If someone wants to be bitter because they weren't served a drink, or given a certain slice of cake, I can't imagine they have very happy lives in the first place.
    No, they're not happy because you treated them differently from the rest of the guests.   It's not that they're  not served dessert.   It's that they see people eating dessert and they can't have it.

    You wouldn't do that with the dinner right?   You wouldn't serve some guests lobster and filet and the rest of the guests chicken piccata right?   Chicken piccata is a perfectly delicious meal so why would they get upset?  

    This is the adult equivalent of being a child and creating a clique where you share only certain food or only allow certain people in.

    You're being told that your plan is rude.   It doesn't matter what other people have done in the past.  It's simply not OK to serve some of your guests some thing and the rest of your guests pick from something else.  I dont' care if you have a small cake and the rest of your guests eat a comparable sheet cake.   I do care if I see my friend the bridesmaid and sister of the bride eating cake and I look for my slice of cake to see that I get amaretti cookies.

    Also, I am cautioning you about her mental health status.   In one sentence you're rolling your eyes at your FSIL's bipolar diagnosis and in another one you want everyone to understand that decades ago chocolate made you sick so now you simply cannot eat the chocolate cake.  

    I get it.   Weddings are stressful.  But I think you're picking the wrong battles and you're not making yourself endearing to your in laws or your FH in the process.  
    Ditto to the bolded. You've said yourself that this is the way they treat her. Don't expect that to change. You're setting yourself up for a lot of misery if you continue to view her this way, and are stewing about things that have happened. 

    ahoywedding
  • If I am eating cake, and you are eating a cupcake, how is that rude?  I didn't say what desserts I was serving my guests, people assume something and go from there.  

    And can you please quote exactly where I roll my eyes at her bipolar diagnosis? 
    MesmrEwe
  • If I am eating cake, and you are eating a cupcake, how is that rude?  I didn't say what desserts I was serving my guests, people assume something and go from there.  

    And can you please quote exactly where I roll my eyes at her bipolar diagnosis? 
    The cupcake needs to be the same flavors as your cake.   And you need to then offer the cupcakes to everyone and not cake to a select few.    Do you not get that it's rude to offer only something to some guests and something slightly different to the rest?  Are you going to drink wine that's $10/bottle while the rest of the guests get the same varietal at $10/bottle?   


    As far as the rolling the eyes at her bipolar disorder:

    A PP asked what I meant when I said she had issues.  I didn't know her when she was diagnosed, so as a relative newcomer, I'm trying to understand the situation.  The way everyone acts, it's like she's on the brink of a breakdown.  But I don't see that from the way she acts.  So I'm confused.  

    I'm an ER nurse.  I'm familiar enough with the signs.  

    I never diagnosed her with/as anything. I simply said that from what I can see, she doesn’t seem to be on the brink of a mental breakdown. She’s also told my fiancé that she has her bipolar diagnosis under control. 

    Also, I get that you are planning to have just one wedding - but this is one of MANY events that you'll be hosting in your life.  This is just the start - not the end.
    InLoveInQueensahoywedding
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its

    I'm really not just trying to be difficult but I MUCH prefer cake to cupcakes. I will almost always grab a piece of cake and I will rarely go for a cupcake. The frosting ratio is way better with a slice of cake and I hate eating with my hands. Eating cupcakes with a fork gets me more confused looks than eating a sandwich with a fork does.

    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    charlotte989875InLoveInQueensMesmrEweei34
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I think I'd pick another hill to die on.  If someone wants to be bitter because they weren't served a drink, or given a certain slice of cake, I can't imagine they have very happy lives in the first place.
    It’s not a matter of my attitude or quality of life.  It’s how you will be perceived as a host. If you want to be perceived as ungracious, rude, and thoughtless, I can’t imagine you have a happy life in the first place.

    It is certainly not the way I would host anyone that took the time, trouble, and cost to honor and celebrate a milestone in my life.
    banana468ShesSoColdInLoveInQueensMyNameIsNot
  • If a cupcake is not similar enough to a cake, then how is a sheet cake similar enough?  The only reason someone gets a sheet cake is because it isn't as expensive as a traditional wedding cake, which implies that the guests who get slices from the sheet cake aren't as important as the guests who receive slices from the traditional cake.  Is that what you're saying?  Because if someone looks at a cupcake, or a slice of cheesecake, or tiramisu, or any of the other desserts we're going to have, and thinks that they're getting slighted because it isn't exactly what I'm eating, that's a real bummer.  For them.  You're certainly entitled to your opinion, but your opinion isn't any more or less valid than mine.  

    As for his attitude toward his sister, if my attitude toward her diagnosis came off as flippant or snide, that was not my intent.  I'll admit, I don't see how wrapping her in cotton wool is doing her any favors, but I absolutely understand the desire to.  I would never, ever presume to tell her parents that though, which is why I asked for help here.  The way she lives her life does not affect me, except that it's become the norm that everyone does what she wants.  I don't want to alienate myself from my fiance and his family, and since it's a slightly more complicated situation, I provided some background to give it context.  Is the only solution for me to just give her whatever she wants?
  • edited May 2018
    If a cupcake is not similar enough to a cake, then how is a sheet cake similar enough?  The only reason someone gets a sheet cake is because it isn't as expensive as a traditional wedding cake, which implies that the guests who get slices from the sheet cake aren't as important as the guests who receive slices from the traditional cake.  Is that what you're saying?  Because if someone looks at a cupcake, or a slice of cheesecake, or tiramisu, or any of the other desserts we're going to have, and thinks that they're getting slighted because it isn't exactly what I'm eating, that's a real bummer.  For them.  You're certainly entitled to your opinion, but your opinion isn't any more or less valid than mine.  

    As for his attitude toward his sister, if my attitude toward her diagnosis came off as flippant or snide, that was not my intent.  I'll admit, I don't see how wrapping her in cotton wool is doing her any favors, but I absolutely understand the desire to.  I would never, ever presume to tell her parents that though, which is why I asked for help here.  The way she lives her life does not affect me, except that it's become the norm that everyone does what she wants.  I don't want to alienate myself from my fiance and his family, and since it's a slightly more complicated situation, I provided some background to give it context.  Is the only solution for me to just give her whatever she wants?
    OP, you were the one saying you were getting a small cake for immediate family and then doing a dessert table for your other guests.  Why do they get something different that you aren't willing to give your other guests?  Like I said, I did a very small cake just to cut and then everyone got to choose from a variety of cupcakes.  I did not have an 8" cake that myself, H and my family got to eat while everyone else had no choice but to eat the cupcakes or whatever dessert offered.  Everyone had the same choices.  Period.

    It isn't that there will not be numerous other desserts at your wedding.  It is the fact that you are making a choice to give only those select few something that you are not offering to others at your wedding.

    And honestly, I am not even a big fan of a supplemental sheet cake just to save money on a not so large fancy decorated cake.  Just the visual of some people eating a layered cake while others eat a sheet cake which could lead them to believe that some people may have gotten something better isn't even a chance I would want to take.

    And OP, I was kind of with you with your hurt feelings and what not regarding FSIL but after being told something you want to do is rude and can easily be rectified and your response is "that is their problem" is now making me think that you are the real problem, not your FSIL being coddled.
    InLoveInQueensthisismynickname2MyNameIsNotahoywedding
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    edited May 2018
    If a cupcake is not similar enough to a cake, then how is a sheet cake similar enough?  The only reason someone gets a sheet cake is because it isn't as expensive as a traditional wedding cake, which implies that the guests who get slices from the sheet cake aren't as important as the guests who receive slices from the traditional cake.  Is that what you're saying?  Because if someone looks at a cupcake, or a slice of cheesecake, or tiramisu, or any of the other desserts we're going to have, and thinks that they're getting slighted because it isn't exactly what I'm eating, that's a real bummer.  For them.  You're certainly entitled to your opinion, but your opinion isn't any more or less valid than mine.  

    As for his attitude toward his sister, if my attitude toward her diagnosis came off as flippant or snide, that was not my intent.  I'll admit, I don't see how wrapping her in cotton wool is doing her any favors, but I absolutely understand the desire to.  I would never, ever presume to tell her parents that though, which is why I asked for help here.  The way she lives her life does not affect me, except that it's become the norm that everyone does what she wants.  I don't want to alienate myself from my fiance and his family, and since it's a slightly more complicated situation, I provided some background to give it context.  Is the only solution for me to just give her whatever she wants?


    Way to ignore all of the actual advice given to you on this. Impressive, really.

    Seriously, if you wanted us to be all "You SIL is a loser! Tell your FILs to suck it!", you came to the wrong place.

    Boundaries. Communication. This is your answer. SPEAK up for yourself and don't just assume that people know how you feel. TALK to your fiancé about how it makes you feel when your thoughts and feelings are ignored. Use "I" statements.

    And for the love of god just pay for the damned cake.

    Edited for typo

    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    thisismynickname2justsie
  • If a cupcake is not similar enough to a cake, then how is a sheet cake similar enough?  The only reason someone gets a sheet cake is because it isn't as expensive as a traditional wedding cake, which implies that the guests who get slices from the sheet cake aren't as important as the guests who receive slices from the traditional cake.  Is that what you're saying?  Because if someone looks at a cupcake, or a slice of cheesecake, or tiramisu, or any of the other desserts we're going to have, and thinks that they're getting slighted because it isn't exactly what I'm eating, that's a real bummer.  For them.  You're certainly entitled to your opinion, but your opinion isn't any more or less valid than mine.  

    As for his attitude toward his sister, if my attitude toward her diagnosis came off as flippant or snide, that was not my intent.  I'll admit, I don't see how wrapping her in cotton wool is doing her any favors, but I absolutely understand the desire to.  I would never, ever presume to tell her parents that though, which is why I asked for help here.  The way she lives her life does not affect me, except that it's become the norm that everyone does what she wants.  I don't want to alienate myself from my fiance and his family, and since it's a slightly more complicated situation, I provided some background to give it context.  Is the only solution for me to just give her whatever she wants?
    No.  The solution is for  you to read and listen.

    1) The answer to dessert is that what you offer to some you offer to all.   The difference when you offer all guests a sheet cake is that generally the bride and groom cut a decoy cake and that's whisked away with ALL GUESTS getting offered the SAME OPTIONS.  That's the key component here.   All guests must be offered the same things.   

    2) I'm entitled to my opinion however you're attempting to argue that you're entitled to think you're being polite in your plan.   You're allowed to think what you want but you aren't allowed to proceed with the delusion that others think you're correct.   Do you want to enter into your wedding with the feeling of "well that's like, you're opinion man" or do you want to enter into it thinking you did the very best for those you invited?   

    3) You need to come up with options and compromises here.   They're readily available.   You also need to not act like a bride scorned.   I've seen it and it's a bad look. 


    InLoveInQueensernursej
  • But what makes you the be all and end all on wedding etiquette?  Can you please provide me with your credentials? 
    Maybe you need to let this go.  
  • But what makes you the be all and end all on wedding etiquette?  Can you please provide me with your credentials? 
    Maybe you need to let this go.  
    Fine.  Have your special cake for just you and your family and be rude to the rest of your guests.  We honestly don't care.  You do you.
    InLoveInQueensMyNameIsNotahoywedding
  • But what makes you the be all and end all on wedding etiquette?  Can you please provide me with your credentials? 
    Maybe you need to let this go.  
    Honey, I'm not the one who has to worry about offending my guests, my husband and my future in laws.  I've been married for a decade and didn't treat anyone poorly with guests approaching us unprompted talking about the great time they had.

    So I guess my credentials are that I didn't do what you propose and have had a relatively drama free wedding planning, wedding and marriage.    You can't say the same.  

    So there are my credentials. 

  • If a cupcake is not similar enough to a cake, then how is a sheet cake similar enough?  The only reason someone gets a sheet cake is because it isn't as expensive as a traditional wedding cake, which implies that the guests who get slices from the sheet cake aren't as important as the guests who receive slices from the traditional cake.  Is that what you're saying?  Because if someone looks at a cupcake, or a slice of cheesecake, or tiramisu, or any of the other desserts we're going to have, and thinks that they're getting slighted because it isn't exactly what I'm eating, that's a real bummer.  For them.  You're certainly entitled to your opinion, but your opinion isn't any more or less valid than mine.  

    As for his attitude toward his sister, if my attitude toward her diagnosis came off as flippant or snide, that was not my intent.  I'll admit, I don't see how wrapping her in cotton wool is doing her any favors, but I absolutely understand the desire to.  I would never, ever presume to tell her parents that though, which is why I asked for help here.  The way she lives her life does not affect me, except that it's become the norm that everyone does what she wants.  I don't want to alienate myself from my fiance and his family, and since it's a slightly more complicated situation, I provided some background to give it context.  Is the only solution for me to just give her whatever she wants?


    Way to ignore all of the actual advice given to you on this. Impressive, really.

    Seriously, if you wanted us to be all "You SIL is a loser! Tell your FILs to suck it!", you came to the wrong place.

    Boundaries. Communication. This is your answer. SPEAK up for yourself and don't just assume that people know how you feel. TALK to your fiancé about how it makes you feel when your thoughts and feelings are ignored. Use "I" statements.

    And for the love of god just pay for the damned cake.

    Edited for typo

    JFC, way to pick and choose which parts of my post to respond to.  Impressive really.  I didn't come on here to bash my FSIL.    

    I don't want your advice about the desserts.  I didn't ask for it, and it's rude to offer advice where it isn't asked for.  And now that I've read some other threads, I know you're going to say you're doing it for the benefit of other brides who are looking for advice, but I really think they could do better than the Uptight Citizens Brigade.  My god, you're acting just as entitled as so many of the brides you live to shame.
  • Look, there is no etiquette police. None of us know you. None of us are invited to your wedding. No one is going to stop you from doing something that might be considered rude by your guests. 

    Maybe no one at your wedding will care about different desserts. But if they will, wouldn't it have been better to know that a head of time and avoid making your guests feel bad? Sure, in the grand scheme of things this is a minor detail, but why not try and avoid it if you can? 
    InLoveInQueensshort+sassyernursejahoywedding
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its


    Way to ignore all of the actual advice given to you on this. Impressive, really.

    Seriously, if you wanted us to be all "You SIL is a loser! Tell your FILs to suck it!", you came to the wrong place.

    Boundaries. Communication. This is your answer. SPEAK up for yourself and don't just assume that people know how you feel. TALK to your fiancé about how it makes you feel when your thoughts and feelings are ignored. Use "I" statements.

    And for the love of god just pay for the damned cake.

    Edited for typo

    JFC, way to pick and choose which parts of my post to respond to.  Impressive really.  I didn't come on here to bash my FSIL.    

    I don't want your advice about the desserts.  I didn't ask for it, and it's rude to offer advice where it isn't asked for.  And now that I've read some other threads, I know you're going to say you're doing it for the benefit of other brides who are looking for advice, but I really think they could do better than the Uptight Citizens Brigade.  My god, you're acting just as entitled as so many of the brides you live to shame.

    See the source image

    My post literally said nothing about the difference in desserts.

    You asked for advice and you're getting it. You're just choosing not to acknowledge it.

    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever


  • Way to ignore all of the actual advice given to you on this. Impressive, really.

    Seriously, if you wanted us to be all "You SIL is a loser! Tell your FILs to suck it!", you came to the wrong place.

    Boundaries. Communication. This is your answer. SPEAK up for yourself and don't just assume that people know how you feel. TALK to your fiancé about how it makes you feel when your thoughts and feelings are ignored. Use "I" statements.

    And for the love of god just pay for the damned cake.

    Edited for typo

    JFC, way to pick and choose which parts of my post to respond to.  Impressive really.  I didn't come on here to bash my FSIL.    

    I don't want your advice about the desserts.  I didn't ask for it, and it's rude to offer advice where it isn't asked for.  And now that I've read some other threads, I know you're going to say you're doing it for the benefit of other brides who are looking for advice, but I really think they could do better than the Uptight Citizens Brigade.  My god, you're acting just as entitled as so many of the brides you live to shame.

    See the source image

    My post literally said nothing about the difference in desserts.

    You asked for advice and you're getting it. You're just choosing not to acknowledge it.

    I apologize.  Your advice about talking to my fiance is solid.  I took your statement about ignoring all the advice given to me as a reference to the desserts since that's the turn this thread has taken.  But saying that I wanted people to tell me my FSIL is a loser or that my FI could suck it when I explicitly said I wanted to deal with these issues politely made me see red for a minute.  I should have taken some time to cool off before posting. The second paragraph wasn't directed at you specifically.
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its

    See the source image

    My post literally said nothing about the difference in desserts.

    You asked for advice and you're getting it. You're just choosing not to acknowledge it.

    I apologize.  Your advice about talking to my fiance is solid.  I took your statement about ignoring all the advice given to me as a reference to the desserts since that's the turn this thread has taken.  But saying that I wanted people to tell me my FSIL is a loser or that my FI could suck it when I explicitly said I wanted to deal with these issues politely made me see red for a minute.  I should have taken some time to cool off before posting. The second paragraph wasn't directed at you specifically.
    Thank you. We might not be the nicest people on the internet (and especially on the snarky board :P ) but we do mean well.
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    charlotte989875short+sassy
  • LondonLisaLondonLisa London, UK member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited May 2018
    But what makes you the be all and end all on wedding etiquette?  Can you please provide me with your credentials? 
    Maybe you need to let this go.  
    Girl, you are not one to be lecturing anyone of letting things go. You are throwing your toys out of the pram over a cake flavour that you couldn’t articulate your feelings on and a dress that no one is wearing. 

    Just cut a sodding cupcake in a flavour you want as your cake cutting and be done with it. That literally solves all your problems. 

    I get it. Weddings are hard. Everyone has an opinion. But if you can’t articulate to your fi why you want a certain flavour, and he doesn’t back you up, you have a Fiancé problem, not a FSIL problem. You two need to be a united front and get on the same team. If she is always going to get the choice over you, even to where you pay for it, you’ve got bigger problems than cake. 

    Sometimes its it’s hard to see the wood through the trees.
    MesmrEweMyNameIsNotInLoveInQueensahoywedding
  • I'm really not just trying to be difficult but I MUCH prefer cake to cupcakes. I will almost always grab a piece of cake and I will rarely go for a cupcake. The frosting ratio is way better with a slice of cake and I hate eating with my hands. Eating cupcakes with a fork gets me more confused looks than eating a sandwich with a fork does.

    You almost quoted my friend Kerry verbatim...  

    OP - here's how you handle the whole cake thing... You get your single-tier cake in the flavor you and FI want and pay for it yourself...  You then order another equal filled/layered cake that is chocolate, and one that is the same as you're having that is then cut up and put on the dessert buffet table with a slice being given to your FSIL that is included in the desserts that your IL's are presumably paying for.  PROBLEM SOLVED.. STOP OVERTHINKING THIS!  I wholeheartedly understand you hate chocolate cake, and, I'm going to agree with you that it's a no-go on your wedding cake that you're going to eat with FI.  Solution is you pay for that portion of the dessert, it's not going to break the bank so it's off the table.  (and yes, I'm with the other poster in NAF of cupcakes unless I'm offered one of each flavor!  I think it'd cause less drama in this case if you go with cake instead of cupcakes as an option on the buffet)

    I think you're bringing up an important point in the grand scheme of this thread that you need a healthy boundary when it comes to your FSIL and you need it established now.  Mental health diagnosis does not equal you must become an enabler of their diagnosis and bow like a servant to her wants.  Understanding of her particulars and not firing off her triggers, absolutely, but SNS - she is insisting that you have a food on your wedding you have a gustatory aversion to for the portion you're expected to consume, NO!  Set your boundary, and yes, as others said, this is an issue with your FI not your FSIL on much of what you posted.   

    As with all couples, I'm hoping you're attending either marriage prep classes or premarital counseling of some sort (Marriage & Family Counselors will often offer this at a reasonable package rate if this isn't offered through where you're getting married, and friends who are in the field say the reason is "It's a lot easier to work with couples on potential 'Elephants in the room' before they're than it is after they're married and have kids in the mix..." and they do a great job bringing up areas you may not have thought to discuss and just assumed..).  This really is something that is needing to be worked through together in the "Rules of Engagement" because this is already an issue, you need to come up with a boundary together that is going to last your marriage because this issue is going to be part of your family in marriage.  And I say this because "What happens when your FSIL vetos a baby name to your FI that you worked months deciding.." should you choose to have kids.  It's not about Chocolate or Marble cake or a bridesmaid dress or a mental health diagnosis, this is about boundaries for your marriage.  
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    short+sassyInLoveInQueensCasadena
  • edited May 2018
    But what makes you the be all and end all on wedding etiquette?  Can you please provide me with your credentials? 
    Maybe you need to let this go.  
    Girl, you are not one to be lecturing anyone of letting things go. You are throwing your toys out of the pram over a cake flavour that you couldn’t articulate your feelings on and a dress that no one is wearing. 

    Just cut a sodding cupcake in a flavour you want as your cake cutting and be done with it. That literally solves all your problems. 

    I get it. Weddings are hard. Everyone has an opinion. But if you can’t articulate to your fi why you want a certain flavour, and he doesn’t back you up, you have a Fiancé problem, not a FSIL problem. You two need to be a united front and get on the same team. If she is always going to get the choice over you, even to where you pay for it, you’ve got bigger problems than cake. 

    Sometimes its it’s hard to see the wood through the trees.
    I didn't think it was fair you got to use all the cliches.
  • LondonLisaLondonLisa London, UK member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    But what makes you the be all and end all on wedding etiquette?  Can you please provide me with your credentials? 
    Maybe you need to let this go.  
    Girl, you are not one to be lecturing anyone of letting things go. You are throwing your toys out of the pram over a cake flavour that you couldn’t articulate your feelings on and a dress that no one is wearing. 

    Just cut a sodding cupcake in a flavour you want as your cake cutting and be done with it. That literally solves all your problems. 

    I get it. Weddings are hard. Everyone has an opinion. But if you can’t articulate to your fi why you want a certain flavour, and he doesn’t back you up, you have a Fiancé problem, not a FSIL problem. You two need to be a united front and get on the same team. If she is always going to get the choice over you, even to where you pay for it, you’ve got bigger problems than cake. 

    Sometimes its it’s hard to see the wood through the trees.
    I didn't think it was fair you got to use all the cliches.
    Did you come up with that sad excuse for an insult  yourself or is this another thing you are going to blame on your sister in law? 

  • What, you weren't able to fit any of your witty British phrases into a post?  Shame.  :-(
  • LondonLisaLondonLisa London, UK member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    What do you want? Honestly? Everyone on here gave you great options. There are about 5 different ways forward. But it just seems that regardless of what is said (and what you respond) you just want us to say “you are right, she’s awful, your inlaws are horrible and you poor little dear. “ 

    You can stick with your way, and start your marriage off digging in your heels, insulting your Fi’s immediate family and driving you into a frustrated rage. Or you can possibly change tack and move on to actually enjoying this whilst getting what you want. 

    But by all means waste your time attempting to insult strangers on the internet you asked for help from. You will sure show us!  

    Double down on your behaviour. I guarantee this will end well. 

    (And yes, that is British sarcasm if you want to try to come back with one of your oh-so-clever zings)
    InLoveInQueens
  • Actually, I think I'm done here.  You guys have been supes helpful with my research.  Ta.
  • Actually, I think I'm done here.  You guys have been supes helpful with my research.  Ta.
    See the source image

    This might be one of my favorite gifs. 
    MairePoppy
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards