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Attire prompt etiquette

stinacmstinacm member
First Anniversary First Comment Name Dropper
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
I know we should not need to tell people how to dress appropriately for a wedding, but there are several people on my invite list (mostly but not all FI's family, but none removable) who could use a gentle reminder that jeans and sneakers are not OK.  They felt jeans and t-shirts were suitable attire for a funeral, so there is some historical precedent there and these are not unfounded fears.

I would like to include the following wording on my invite enclosures:
Weather permitting, ceremony and celebration will be held on the lawn: please choose your footwear accordingly! Daytime semiformal; ties optional.

Is this just too gauche, or does it slide in with the shoe note in such a way that I can get away with it? 

Alternatively, what I am trying to convey is "please wear real pants and a button-down" for a 2pm outdoor wedding - what's a better way to do that?  Or do I just suck it up and accept that FI is going to have pictures of him and his adult kids looking, well, scruffy?

TIA!
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Re: Attire prompt etiquette

  • stinacmstinacm member
    First Anniversary First Comment Name Dropper
    Thank you; I had a feeling that might be the case, alas. Although they are adult children, the concept of event-appropriate clothing and "taking their cue from the style of the invitation" is not one to which they have been exposed - hence jeans and sneakers to an immediate family funeral. With a guest list of 30, they are not exactly going to be inconspicuous either.

    I will leave it in FI's hands to ensure that some expectations are conveyed, and then wash my hands of it like a mature, not even slightly concerned, grown-up.

    I presume a note about shoes and lawns is OK, though?
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  • ernursejernursej member
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    knottieabfd6c15baff9e64 said:
    Thank you; I had a feeling that might be the case, alas. Although they are adult children, the concept of event-appropriate clothing and "taking their cue from the style of the invitation" is not one to which they have been exposed - hence jeans and sneakers to an immediate family funeral. With a guest list of 30, they are not exactly going to be inconspicuous either.

    I will leave it in FI's hands to ensure that some expectations are conveyed, and then wash my hands of it like a mature, not even slightly concerned, grown-up.

    I presume a note about shoes and lawns is OK, though?


    I would make sure that your FI lets them know in a way that they understand that others will be wearing ___ instead of that the concerning guests SHOULD be wearing _____. **I had a close friend show up at my wedding wearing scrubs and I was thrilled that they managed to show up. I have several pictures with them in it and they are some of my favourites because we both look happy and are together.

    For the lawn, I would just include a note that the ceremony will be taking place on a lawn. People don't need to be told to wear something appropriate. I've appreciated the notice that something will be on a lawn but still made the decision to wear stiletto heels.

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  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited August 2018
    We had a full Catholic Mass for our wedding (granted, it was at 2:00 on a Saturday).  DH's uncle wore his standard motorcycle biker gear - boots, jeans, t-shirt, leather vest, and a bandana do-rag around his head.  He walked up the aisle saying hi to family as the bridal party processed.

    I honestly did not notice him at the wedding.  I didn't even know the aisle thing happened until 2 weeks later when we saw the video. 

    My brother wore khakis and a simple shirt while the rest of the family was in semi-formal attire.  The wedding pictures turned out fine.  




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  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
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    If they're HIS KIDS - regardless of them being adult age, his job, not yours to bog down your invites unless you're planning to switch to a Black or White tie event...  This is a "Blood talks to blood"...  

    Not everyone is able to afford a set of dress clothes, js, jeans without holes and a clean non-spotted top are all that some people can afford to call dress clothes.  I'm not saying this is the case, but the more important thing is that they're there to celebrate with you, not look like a cake topper when they aren't in the WP.  As for shoes, again something not to get worked up about.  I have a friend/former knottie that wore birkies to a number of events this summer because she's recently been through a number of foot surgeries and was "upgraded" to wearing Birkies on her feet from the surgical boot.  The more important detail is that the people are there, not what they're wearing.

    The only thing you should mention if you want to give a hint on footwear choice is "Garden Wedding 2:00"  because it lets people know three details - outdoors (check the weather report in case of rain), Peak sun (I boil like a lobster make sure to have shoulders/back covered, and remember to slather the sunscreen on the kids!), potential for walking in grassy area (wear appropriate foot attire)...  The other way to get the hint that it's not flip flops and shorts informal to the rest of the world is to make it an extremely formal invite complete with inner/outer envelopes, calligraphy, etc.  
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  • lovesclimbinglovesclimbing member
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    ... I wore a denim skirt to my great uncle's funeral a few months ago. There were a lot of jeans as well. 
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  • LondonLisaLondonLisa member
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    Why does it matter? You will still be just as married, you will still enjoy your day the way you want it. 

    If seeing a pair of jeans is going to ruin your wedding, you should start preparing yourself now. Things are going to go wrong. People are going to wear things you wouldn't wear. Something is not going to get delivered. You just have to go with it. This is not a hill to die on. Also, daytime semiformal is not a dress code. 

    With regards to the grass, I would say on the website: "Please note for footwear comfort, portions of the day will be held on grass." And I would also buy a bunch of those plastic anti-sinking heel clips to have in a basket available for people. 
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  • ahoyweddingahoywedding member
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    I don't think you even need to suggest footwear options. Our ceremony was on the lawn, and I noted that on our website. I also told my BMs they could wear flats if they wanted, but one of my more coordinated sisters chose giant heels. Grass =/= flats for everyone; let them make their own decisions. 

    And honestly, 2 pm garden wedding to me feels more casual. I wouldn't wear jeans, but some of my WI family likely would. I had a friend ask if her FI could wear a fish shirt to our wedding (he did). Another friend asked if she could wear a shirt with laser cats (she didn't). In both cases, I said "I don't care, I won't be the one at a wedding in a ridiculous shirt, but those photos are forever." 
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    I think the tip about the footwear is great, and I'd appreciate it. I've attended weddings that were held on a lawn, and I, not knowing, showed up in heels. I spent the whole night sinking into the ground until I decided to remove my shoes. 

    The other guidelines for attire are not OK. If someone shows up in jeans, you'll maybe notice for a few seconds and then move on. It will have no impact on your day. 
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Information about the ground surfaces the wedding will take place on will be appreciated.

    But unless your venue has a dress code (and it sounds like yours does not) or you are having a black-tie or white-tie wedding (which you are not), it would not be appropriate to give your guests other than your WP members any directions about their attire.

    True story: At my cousin's wedding (our mothers are sisters), which was not casual, some relatives from the other side of his family showed up wearing sports shirts, jeans and sneakers. In no way did that affect anything. My cousin and his wife are still happily married.
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  • ernursejernursej member
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    knottieabfd6c15baff9e64 said:
    Thanks all for the sanity check and the reminder about picking the hills upon which one is willing to die.  I'm usually pretty good about that, so apparently wedding planning gets to even the most grounded of us!

    I am definitely on board for "blood talking to blood" and Dad providing a little guidance, and will trust that everyone else is a grownup and will make what they consider an appropriate choice.  I'd appreciate the heads-up on a lawn site, so I'll at least mention that.

    I would still working on checking your opinion on "appropriate choice". Appropriate is a word to describe wearing clothes vs. showing up naked. If they put on any clothes, they are appropriate :)
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  • stinacmstinacm member
    First Anniversary First Comment Name Dropper
    ernursej said:
    I would still working on checking your opinion on "appropriate choice". Appropriate is a word to describe wearing clothes vs. showing up naked. If they put on any clothes, they are appropriate :)


    Perfectly willing to agree to disagree on checking my opinion  :smile:

    I am, of course, going to be delighted and grateful for the presence of my invited guests and treat them as such, regardless of what they wear.  Your presence trumps your clothing, every day of the week and twice on Wedding Saturdays.  That does not mean I'm not going to give you at least some internal side-eye if you show up in jeans and sneakers, because (under almost all circumstances) that is not appropriate wedding attire.

    On a side note, I wish my username would update.  I don't like being "Knottie numbers"!
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  • stinacmstinacm member
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    charlotte989875 said:

    Just for arguments sake (or my general curiosity) why does this matter though?

     I’m always someone who wants to be dressed for the occasion, because it’s something I like. But other people don’t care, and their clothing choice just doesn’t effect me. I love formal attire & get genuinely excited for events that I dress up for. But if someone shows up to the same event In jeans/shirt it doesn’t take away my enjoyment. Just my 2 cents. 

    Really, in the overall scheme of things - it doesn't matter, right?  I do understand that!  As long as the people who show up to weddings and funerals in their jeans are hosted properly, no harm, no foul.  I like to dress up, too.

    I can give the nurse coming straight from work and showing up in scrubs.  I cannot even imagine thinking that it's acceptable to show up at a funeral that you have had the opportunity to prepare for in jeans.  It's just Not The Done Thing.  No, the deceased probably didn't mind.  But the son of the deceased - the father of the offending party - was quite put out.  I asked the initial question because I was trying to weigh the bad etiquette of making attire suggestions against the known likelihood of the bad etiquette of showing up woefully underdressed.  And I do consider that to be bad etiquette.

    That said - I am more than willing to admit that I am, for want of a better way of saying it, an elitist snot about this.  I'm English living in the USA, and over the past thirteen years living here I have often found American society and norms to be much more casual than I am in my everyday life.  This could very much be a "me" thing, and I can accept that :)
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  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
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    That said - I am more than willing to admit that I am, for want of a better way of saying it, an elitist snot about this.  I'm English living in the USA, and over the past thirteen years living here I have often found American society and norms to be much more casual than I am in my everyday life.  This could very much be a "me" thing, and I can accept that :)
    Admitting it is the first step.  :)  

    Honestly, as long as they're not wearing a shirt calling him or her a whore, I probably won't notice what someone is wearing to a funeral.  

    I promise you won't notice it at your wedding.  You'll be too focused on your love.




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  • stinacmstinacm member
    First Anniversary First Comment Name Dropper
    banana468 said:

    You being an elitist snob though doesn't allow you to dictate anything to your guests.

    So unfortunately you need to take a deep breath on this one.

    ...

    We all understand that those who dress poorly are doing it.   The point is that it's not up to you to correct them at any time. 

    I'm taking my deep breath and sucking it up, I promise...  I will even keep the side-eye internal, should the unthinkable happen!

    I do somewhat feel, especially where these are my other half's kids, that if nobody teaches them, they will never know better.  Their mother surely never taught them (but that's a whole different ball of wax), and the one that lives with us doesn't do it - but that might be because I've scarred the poor guy for life by making him wear real pants on occasion ;)

    My experience of The Youth Of Today (!) dressing themselves is that I have had to tell people who work for me in a professional office setting that it's not permissible to wear cutoff denim shorts on a regular work day, nor is a string vest with visible bra acceptable.  I'm only in my mid-30's, but I swear sometimes this stuff makes me feel really old.  <sigh>
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  • CasadenaCasadena member
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    edited August 2018

    There are plenty of places in the US/family units/friend groups where jeans/polos, short/tshirts absolutely are "the done thing".  I've been to plenty of weddings where the majority of guests were dressed that way, especially the men.  Just because it's not what YOU would do, doesn't mean it's any more or less appropriate for the occasion and it's very rude for you (general you) to look down on other or assume ignorance on their part.

    P.S. I can see where that may not be the case for you and your FI which is why you're frustrated with FI's kids.  Overall though, this is not something you should be concerned about in the slightest, internally or otherwise.  Just because it's your event doesn't mean it's any of your business what ppl wear (the only exception being true black tie or venue attire restrictions).

    ETF: spelling

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  • maine7mobmaine7mob member
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    Don't use this as a teaching moment, and don't put anything about attire on your wedding invitation. You can, however, put a suggestion on your website for those who really do want to know what to wear. It won't help the people who don't care, but it will be nice to include it for those who do.

    My daughter, whose wedding was at 10:30 am (full nuptial Mass, followed by outside brunch reception), wrote something like "Think garden party" on her site.  

    The main thing is to let your guests be themselves. It is their selves, and not their clothes, that you are inviting, right?
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  • stinacmstinacm member
    First Anniversary First Comment Name Dropper
    STARMOON44 said:

    They’re his kids? And he has never bothered to teach them this? This is his fault

    .... which is why I feel like this might be a teachable moment for them, in some form or another.  It's amazing to me, because FI is absolutely fastidious about being dressed for an occasion.  

    I can't talk about what happened to them in their younger years, because I wasn't there.  When he and I got together, the older two (now both in their mid twenties) stayed with their mother.  I have seen one, the other, or both dressed in all manner of ways for all manner of happenings that I would not have allowed if they were leaving from my house - but I have limited parental oversight, and thus I don't consider it my place to say anything.

    The youngest, who is a rising college senior and lives with us, was set expectations for how to dress and how to behave under circumstances where a particular level of decorum was required.  While he may have grumbled about it on and off (teenage boys, amirite?!), he now comports himself very nicely.  Well.... Generally, because he's still a 21-year old male!
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  • stinacmstinacm member
    First Anniversary First Comment Name Dropper
    Mystery Box!!

    @ahoyweddingI was their boss, and they were customer-facing.  Hence "worked for me", and why it was a problem.  I assumed the excess capitalisation of Youth Of Today and (!) in my post were evidence of tongue-in-cheek; perhaps there's a way to convey that that's common to The Knot that I've not yet come across.  (Another forum I am on uses pink for sarcasm, for example.)  Educate me!

    @Casadena, I absolutely agree that there are plenty of places where jeans and polos are acceptable and normal.  I disagree that weddings and funerals are those, unless that is specifically asked for.  I apologise if that comes across as looking down at anyone choosing that for their event; that's certainly not my intention.  As a guest, I would think it a rude way to dress for someone else's event.  As discussed - what I choose to wear to a wedding or a funeral is nobody's business but my own, so I will continue to not wear jeans to weddings and funerals unless I am told to.

    @STARMOON44, I don't know what to tell you on that one.  I'm old-fashioned?  I'm 35 going on 70?  I like vocabulary?  All of the above?  For all of us to be here and be concerned about etiquette, aren't we all a bit old-fashioned?  Or we'd just be doing whatever we felt like, without concerning ourselves about what etiquette dictates.

    @knottie3a07c9dc00519677, yes, it is the people we are inviting.  I will love them all the same the day after the wedding as I do today, regardless of what they wear.  They will all be hosted properly (no cash bar!), whether they come in jeans or sweatpants or suits or, quite frankly, bathing suits.  I can still entertain fantasies about some of them dressing up a notch or two than they normally would though, right?!

    I've accepted the "please don't do this because you'll look like an asshole" advice, taken it on board, and amended my enclosure accordingly.  I think we are just down to discussion o' "stuff" at this point - I'm not arguing the point :)  I do appreciate all of your help in resolving the original question!
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  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
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    knottieabfd6c15baff9e64 said:
    Mystery Box!!

    @ahoyweddingI was their boss, and they were customer-facing.  Hence "worked for me", and why it was a problem.  I assumed the excess capitalisation of Youth Of Today and (!) in my post were evidence of tongue-in-cheek; perhaps there's a way to convey that that's common to The Knot that I've not yet come across.  (Another forum I am on uses pink for sarcasm, for example.)  Educate me!

    @Casadena, I absolutely agree that there are plenty of places where jeans and polos are acceptable and normal.  I disagree that weddings and funerals are those, unless that is specifically asked for.  I apologise if that comes across as looking down at anyone choosing that for their event; that's certainly not my intention.  As a guest, I would think it a rude way to dress for someone else's event.  As discussed - what I choose to wear to a wedding or a funeral is nobody's business but my own, so I will continue to not wear jeans to weddings and funerals unless I am told to.

    @STARMOON44, I don't know what to tell you on that one.  I'm old-fashioned?  I'm 35 going on 70?  I like vocabulary?  All of the above?  For all of us to be here and be concerned about etiquette, aren't we all a bit old-fashioned?  Or we'd just be doing whatever we felt like, without concerning ourselves about what etiquette dictates.

    @knottie3a07c9dc00519677, yes, it is the people we are inviting.  I will love them all the same the day after the wedding as I do today, regardless of what they wear.  They will all be hosted properly (no cash bar!), whether they come in jeans or sweatpants or suits or, quite frankly, bathing suits.  I can still entertain fantasies about some of them dressing up a notch or two than they normally would though, right?!

    I've accepted the "please don't do this because you'll look like an asshole" advice, taken it on board, and amended my enclosure accordingly.  I think we are just down to discussion o' "stuff" at this point - I'm not arguing the point :)  I do appreciate all of your help in resolving the original question!
    I don’t think there is anything at all old fashioned about etiquette. I also think being 35 and complaining about The Youth of Today is absurd. 
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