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Wedding Etiquette Forum
Knottie0565356
member
Friend has a gained an SO after invites went out.
Hello-
I made sure all the significant others of guests on my list were invited. Unfortunately, my fiance did not know that one of his co-workers had recently started dating someone. I only found out after invitations went out when I saw an Instagram post (about two weeks later). One of my bridesmaids also works with them and said she was unaware of the relationship until the same Instagram post. Normally I would just reach out, and invite the coworker to bring her SO and apologize, however, it turns out she had prior travel plans already scheduled and is unable to make it to the wedding.
Should I still reach out to apologize to the co-worker? I feel bad that I didn't include her SO, and I want her to know it wasn't a judgment on the status of their relationship.
I made sure all the significant others of guests on my list were invited. Unfortunately, my fiance did not know that one of his co-workers had recently started dating someone. I only found out after invitations went out when I saw an Instagram post (about two weeks later). One of my bridesmaids also works with them and said she was unaware of the relationship until the same Instagram post. Normally I would just reach out, and invite the coworker to bring her SO and apologize, however, it turns out she had prior travel plans already scheduled and is unable to make it to the wedding.
Should I still reach out to apologize to the co-worker? I feel bad that I didn't include her SO, and I want her to know it wasn't a judgment on the status of their relationship.
Re: Friend has a gained an SO after invites went out.
Your instinct here is right, reached out, simple apology, let them know of course she’s invited. Let them decide whether she can/wants to/is able to attend.
If thats the case I would reach out and say something along the lines of “I’m sorry we left New SO off the invite. If your plans change know we’d be happy to have both you at the wedding. Can’t wait to meet New SO soon”.
Honestly, even if there was no wrong, an "I'm sorry" goes a long way in most situations. I'm sorry doesn't necessarily mean you are at fault. It means you recognize that there might have been an issue and feelings were involved. As a nurse, I've learned to apologize and then thank people and it really makes a difference. "I'm sorry you've had to wait so long to see the Emergency Department Doctor. Thank you for your patience". I didn't contribute to the wait but I'm acknowledging the issue.
If a person considers themselves in a relationship, with a SO, the SO needs to be invited. You don't get to put a timeline on the seriousness of a relationship.
You decided to spend $150/plate on a wedding. If you can't afford that, you should have gone with a less expensive option. The cost of your wedding is no excuse to treat your friends badly.
This is an etiquette board. You're going to get called out for suggesting that people be rude.
It's not up to you to decide the seriousness of someone else's relationship. Especially on an occasion based solely on the seriousness of your relationship.
Not only is that rude as hell, you're basically telling people to celebrate your relationship at the exact time that you take a big fat shit on their relationship.
Today's college-aged boyfriend could be your future family member. If you don't like your cousin enough to respect her, then don't invite her. But don't make arbitrary rules where you are the arbiter of what "real" relationships are.
This is neither reasonable, fair, or within the bounds of etiquette. I don't care if you apologize or not, nor do I care if you want to ruin your relationships. But what on earth are you doing on an etiquette board if you have no interest in being polite?
There are people on these boards who got engaged in a matter of a couple months. You don't get to decide what is an important enough or "real" relationship. Full stop. If you don't want to invite someone's SO because you don't care enough about them (e.g. a cousin in college isn't important enough to you for her relationship to rate an invite) then you just don't invite those people in the first place. You can't ask someone to spend time and money to celebrate you and not treat them with respect.
But yes, if I had a friend who considered herself to be in a committed relationship with more than one person, I would invite all of their SOs. But being in an open relationship doesn't necessarily equal multiple SOs. I know someone who is in a committed relationship with one person but casual relationships with others. She would agree that her SO would be the only one invited to an event such as a wedding.
I grew up with someone whose parents "had a wife". The three of them have been in a relationship for probably 25+ years now and consider themselves all married. And if I were still friends with that family, absolutely I would have invited all three of them.
Edited for clarity.
Why is this meant to seem like a trick question? You're assuming the friend isn't sincere in their relationships? This isn't hard, as long as you're not assuming your friend is somehow trying to game your system. I don't know why that would ever be the assumption.
If you genuinely can't afford to treat your guest list well, you need to cut your guest list, or choose not to spend $150pp.
It is generally agreed upon that if you send out invitations in a reasonable span of time (i.e. not absurdly early) - 6-8 weeks - and a guest who was not in a relationship at that time (actually was not, not that you didn't check or realize they were) picks up a SO in between then and the wedding, you do not have to accommodate that. But if you can, you should. Because, again, respect. You want your friend to have a good time.
It's similar to invitees who aren't going to know many or any other guests. Even if they're not in a relationship, it'd be nice to extend a plus one. That way they can bring someone to talk to. It is not technically required, but if your starting point from hosting is "How can I show good faith to the people I'm asking to spend time and money to come be with me on my wedding day?" and not "People are just aiming to get a free fancy meal and a night out with their buddies out of me," this isn't that hard.
I do agree about if someone doesn't know people at the wedding giving them a plus 1. But if someone knows everyone and didn't have an SO when I sent out the invites then I guess we have a difference in opinion.
Also, I never would ever assume that someone I consider a friend is playing the system, never even crossed my mind.
I need to continue my life now :-)
But would it be awesome if my friend noticed that I had a new boyfriend and said, "Hey, great, bring him along!"? Of course. But I would also respect that if I got a boyfriend post-invite, that my friend's list was likely already set with little wiggle room.
That said, like Knottienumbers, I also had an "intimate" and 3-figure per head wedding. But, when we planned our wedding, we planned the list and budget WITH plus-ones, specifically to accommodate the fact that single cousins and single friends might not actually be single by the time the wedding rolled around. This plan served us well, as my perpetually single buddy ended bringing a brand new girlfriend that he later went on to marry.
So to anyone lurking, if you don't want to be in the position of intentionally or accidentally not inviting someone's SO, plan your budget to accommodate guests from the get-go.
Nonetheless, it is a fact that refusing to invite a cousin's s/o because [insert excuse here] is rude and not in line with etiquette. This is a well established etiquette rule. There is nothing questionable about it.
Your opinion is that it's ok to ignore the etiquette on this point. My opinion is that ignoring etiquette at the expense of loved ones is an asshole move. Luckily, OP has long since moved on and won't be swayed by your bad advice.