Drama Queen Bridesmaid

knottie06e188fd2d4672d2 · October 2018

I have a bridesmaid who invited herself into my wedding. Since she did this, she has:

1) complained of every dress I checked out online (we haven't gotten to a store even)

2) told me how to make sure the girl making the wedding cake uses no-pesticide flowers/ edible food coloring (the bridesmaid making the cake is a professional, she just happens to be in my wedding)

3) constantly want to discuss her various personal dramas when we are discussing wedding things (I don't need to know what your ex's ex-wife is doing or what the coworker you don't work with anymore is doing just because you hated her)

4) She has passively aggressively criticized my decoration ideas as "not her style, but I'm brave for doing it"

5) Has implied my dress budget is unreasonably small. But we are paying for our own wedding, not our parents

6) SHE INVITED HERSELF IN AND HAD ME CORNERED WHEN I WAS NOT PLANNING ON HER BEING IN THE WEDDING!

I need to tell her she is out without ruining the friendship because if this continues to the wedding we won't be friends by then. Advice?

MyNameIsNot · October 2018

knottie06e188fd2d4672d2 said:

I have a bridesmaid who invited herself into my wedding. Since she did this, she has:

1) complained of every dress I checked out online (we haven't gotten to a store even)

2) told me how to make sure the girl making the wedding cake uses no-pesticide flowers/ edible food coloring (the bridesmaid making the cake is a professional, she just happens to be in my wedding)

3) constantly want to discuss her various personal dramas when we are discussing wedding things (I don't need to know what your ex's ex-wife is doing or what the coworker you don't work with anymore is doing just because you hated her)

4) She has passively aggressively criticized my decoration ideas as "not her style, but I'm brave for doing it"

5) Has implied my dress budget is unreasonably small. But we are paying for our own wedding, not our parents

6) SHE INVITED HERSELF IN AND HAD ME CORNERED WHEN I WAS NOT PLANNING ON HER BEING IN THE WEDDING!

I need to tell her she is out without ruining the friendship because if this continues to the wedding we won't be friends by then. Advice?

How did she invite herself and how did you respond? Everything depends on how you handled this exchange.

ShesSoCold · October 2018

MyNameIsNot said:

knottie06e188fd2d4672d2 said:

I have a bridesmaid who invited herself into my wedding. Since she did this, she has:

1) complained of every dress I checked out online (we haven't gotten to a store even)

2) told me how to make sure the girl making the wedding cake uses no-pesticide flowers/ edible food coloring (the bridesmaid making the cake is a professional, she just happens to be in my wedding)

3) constantly want to discuss her various personal dramas when we are discussing wedding things (I don't need to know what your ex's ex-wife is doing or what the coworker you don't work with anymore is doing just because you hated her)

4) She has passively aggressively criticized my decoration ideas as "not her style, but I'm brave for doing it"

5) Has implied my dress budget is unreasonably small. But we are paying for our own wedding, not our parents

6) SHE INVITED HERSELF IN AND HAD ME CORNERED WHEN I WAS NOT PLANNING ON HER BEING IN THE WEDDING!

I need to tell her she is out without ruining the friendship because if this continues to the wedding we won't be friends by then. Advice?

How did she invite herself and how did you respond? Everything depends on how you handled this exchange.

Exactly this. Why didn't you say anything to her when she assumed she was in your wedding? This is on you for not talking to her.

Aside from that, why do you keep talking wedding with her? Why do you continue to engage with her? She's obviously got different opinions and isn't afraid to voice them. And on the same note, why are you upset that she's talking about things other than your wedding?

You're mad at her opinions on your wedding and mad that she's got other things to talk about. What exactly do you want her to do/talk about?

Was she complaining about your dress or hers? If it's the latter and you haven't asked her (privately) about her budget, she might not be wrong there. You'd be a good friend to allow your bridesmaids to wear dresses that they like and feel comfortable in.

Are these comments and behaviors new to her? Or has she always been like this?

short+sassy · October 2018

I hate to be harsh, but she couldn't have invited herself to be a BM unless you allowed it. This should have been nipped in the bud at your first wind of it. Like, "Oh! Umm...actually, I've already chosen my BP and am keeping it to just A-B-C. But I'm really looking forward to your coming as a guest!"

However, it sounds like it is too late now. You have already "accepted" her, so to speak, as a BM and so now she is one. Including getting her opinion of BM's dresses you are thinking about. Here is how I would handle the following:

1) Best case would be to give the WP a color choice and/or maybe a style (short or long, etc.) and just let them choose their own dresses. However, if you do want matchy-matchy gowns, then you need to speak to each person privately and find out their budget. Keep in mind, that budget needs to include alterations. If all the BMs can't come to an agreement of one or more dresses, than (to an extent) go with what the majority prefer and she can take it or leave it.

2) She'll make the cake how she makes the cake. She's a professional and I have full confidence in her ability and her safety record.

3) and 4) I'm trying to picture a scenario where "only" wedding things should be discussed. Conversations are give and take, especially with friends. There shouldn't be even one, much less multiple occurrences were only your wedding is talked about. Everyone else has their own lives going on and friends talk about their lives with other friends. Even better, for your own sanity, completely curtail the wedding talk with this friend except for the few things she needs to know. Don't talk about your cake. Don't talk about your decorations. Don't talk about the food or whatever. She doesn't need to know about any of that and seems to be a "Negative Nelly" who upsets you with her opinion anyway. If she asks questions, just keep it a short simple answer or something generic like "we're still thinking about that" or "we got it covered".

5) Let's agree to disagree. My dress budget is just fine and I have found lovely options.

6) As I mentioned in my first paragraph, it is too late to tell her she is not a BM without it probably being a friendship-ending move. You have already been acting like she is a BM, even if you didn't originally intend her to be one.

I'm reading into your post a bit and want to give you an important general piece of advice that I hope you take as constructive criticism. Do not be afraid of the word NO!!! Learn to say it proudly and confidently, when someone is trying to pressure you into something you don't want to do. I suspect this whole situation would have been avoided if when she "backed you into a corner", you had just given her a resounding, "No, sorry," on the subject of her being one of your BMs.

ei34 · October 2018

I’m also confused as to how she’s in your WP. I had one friend hint and another outright ask if they were BMs. I hate confrontation (even moreso when I was younger) but it was an easy “oh, no, it’s going to be my sisters” when they asked.

Now that you let her in, though, she’s in. I’d get the budgets of your BMs privately and just assign a dress under the lowest budget, or even easier, just give your WP a color and length and let them get their own dresses. After dress, give this BM the date, time and place for your wedding, and completely stop all wedding talk with her after that. It really just sounds like her opinions differ, but if that bothers you just stop all wedding talk.

And if she was one of those people that’d go on and on about her cousin’s neighbor or her sister’s coworker before you got engaged, that’ll continue. You can’t expect all talk to me about your wedding.

Edit spelling

knottiea7c559f4e249058a · October 2018

eileenrob said:

I’m also confused as to how she’s in your WP. I had one friend hint and another outright ask if they were BMs. I hate confrontation (even moreso when I was younger) but it was an easy “oh, no, it’s going to be my sisters” when they asked.

Not to change the subject, just interjecting here, I'm glad that went smoothly for you! I said the same to two friends who assumed/asked and one stopped talking to me and the other said maybe we needed to reevaluate our friendship!

Back to the topic, OP I think you just need to tell her basically to keep her negative opinions to herself. It is your wedding, therefore your style and ideas, and she needs to respect that it is going to be that way because it isn't her wedding. If she can't handle that then you could say, I'm sorry, then I don't think this whole bridesmaid thing is going to work out. Just my two cents.

charlotte989875 · October 2018

knottiea7c559f4e249058a said:

eileenrob said:

I’m also confused as to how she’s in your WP. I had one friend hint and another outright ask if they were BMs. I hate confrontation (even moreso when I was younger) but it was an easy “oh, no, it’s going to be my sisters” when they asked.

Not to change the subject, just interjecting here, I'm glad that went smoothly for you! I said the same to two friends who assumed/asked and one stopped talking to me and the other said maybe we needed to reevaluate our friendship!

Back to the topic, OP I think you just need to tell her basically to keep her negative opinions to herself. It is your wedding, therefore your style and ideas, and she needs to respect that it is going to be that way because it isn't her wedding. If she can't handle that then you could say, I'm sorry, then I don't think this whole bridesmaid thing is going to work out. Just my two cents.

If she no longer wants to be friends with this person then this is a great strategy, but kicking someone out of a WP is something that is likely to end friendships.

climbingsingle · October 2018

I don't understand how someone can put themselves into your wedding party. I'm sorry, but it sounds like you handled this poorly, maybe because you didn't want to have a tough conversation.

I don't think anything that she's done has really been that bad? I think you're overreacting, probably because you're already annoyed with her.

Kicking her out is a friendship ending move. If you're prepared for that, then do it. If you want to remain friends with her, then she stays in the wedding party.

thisismynickname2 · October 2018

knottie06e188fd2d4672d2 said:

I have a bridesmaid who invited herself into my wedding. Since she did this, she has:

1) complained of every dress I checked out online (we haven't gotten to a store even) Frustrating, but she does have to wear it, so in a sense you have to listen. But, what a lot of people do now is just choose a color and let people pick their own dresses. If you go that route, she can wear whatever she wants in your guidelines.

2) told me how to make sure the girl making the wedding cake uses no-pesticide flowers/ edible food coloring (the bridesmaid making the cake is a professional, she just happens to be in my wedding). Smile and nod.

3) constantly want to discuss her various personal dramas when we are discussing wedding things (I don't need to know what your ex's ex-wife is doing or what the coworker you don't work with anymore is doing just because you hated her). Hard to judge without more context, but people are allowed to talk about what they want to talk about. You can do the smile and nod thing, and bean dip.

4) She has passively aggressively criticized my decoration ideas as "not her style, but I'm brave for doing it". Smile and nod.

5) Has implied my dress budget is unreasonably small. But we are paying for our own wedding, not our parents. Smile and nod.

6) SHE INVITED HERSELF IN AND HAD ME CORNERED WHEN I WAS NOT PLANNING ON HER BEING IN THE WEDDING! See below.

I need to tell her she is out without ruining the friendship because if this continues to the wedding we won't be friends by then. Advice? If you kick her out, you will ruin the friendship.

So, OP, you sound like a non-confrontational person, which is why I'm giving you consistent "smile and nod" advice. She can only keep going on these opinions/narratives if you engage with her, so you can either tell her point blank you don't want to hear something (which doesn't sound like your style; it's not mine either), or you can basically ignore what she says and move on.

While it is good advice to learn to say "no" and tell people like it is, I'm one of those people who won't do that, and I get through life just fine by ignoring dramatic people and disengaging from them.

Plus, one of my best friends is also non-confrontational. Nicest girl I've ever known. After she got engaged a handful of us girls went out to dinner. 3 of us were bridesmaids; only one was not. The MOH didn't know this though, and started talking dresses and whatnot, and the non-BM assumed she was in the wedding party at that point and the bride didn't have the heart to tell her she wasn't. So, I get how this happens- the bride didn't want to hurt that girl's feelings. The girl ended up causing drama in the wedding party too, ironically.
So really, to any other non-confrontational people out there, if people ask to be in your wedding party, just say it's already been decided and you're just having x,y,z. That is definitely a time to be kindly confrontational, for sure!

banana468 · October 2018

OP, a lot of this is sounding like she's seeing you as a pushover.

As PPs said, No is not a 4 letter word either. You can either smile and nod or simply address her when she's trying to veto your plans.

Don't let her steamroll over you. All of this means that you need to assert yourself but you can't kick her out unless you want to end the friendship.

What you DO need to do is ensure that you stand up for yourself and your choices.

maine7mob · November 2018

Pretend that she is not in your WP. Make your choices of dress, etc. Announce your choices. She can either accept them, or choose to withdraw.

LondonLisa · November 2018

knottie06e188fd2d4672d2 said:

I have a bridesmaid who invited herself into my wedding. Since she did this, she has:

1) complained of every dress I checked out online (we haven't gotten to a store even)

2) told me how to make sure the girl making the wedding cake uses no-pesticide flowers/ edible food coloring (the bridesmaid making the cake is a professional, she just happens to be in my wedding)

3) constantly want to discuss her various personal dramas when we are discussing wedding things (I don't need to know what your ex's ex-wife is doing or what the coworker you don't work with anymore is doing just because you hated her)

4) She has passively aggressively criticized my decoration ideas as "not her style, but I'm brave for doing it"

5) Has implied my dress budget is unreasonably small. But we are paying for our own wedding, not our parents

6) SHE INVITED HERSELF IN AND HAD ME CORNERED WHEN I WAS NOT PLANNING ON HER BEING IN THE WEDDING!

I need to tell her she is out without ruining the friendship because if this continues to the wedding we won't be friends by then. Advice?

Overall: how does someone invite themselves into your wedding?! This is your fault for not shutting it down.

1.) if you have already discussed dresses with her, she is in the wedding party because you allowed it.

2.) Just ignore- everyone has an opinion on weddings. Learn the standard "Thanks for the advice" and move on

3.) Allegedly she is your friend. Do you know how annoying it is totally wedding 24/7?? You need to learn to talk about other topics and be a friend. That includes listening.

4.) So things are not her style, everything you do isn't going to be everyone's style. get over it

5.) Ignore inferences- you don't know intention

6.) This is your fault.

I think you have let this go on far too long to not have her in the wedding. Again, I don't understand how she did this. Did she just assume and you didn't correct her? Did she ask and you said yes? Either way, it sounds like the horse has bolted and you have let her in. It sounds like you are being completely ineffectual and a push-over.

This is why being "non-confrontational" =/= handling your business. It always spirals out of control into a much bigger issue. The first (or even the second time) she mentioned it, you should have just said "I'm sorry, there must be some confusion. Whilst you are a good friend and I care for you, you are not in the wedding party. I look forward to you coming to the wedding and celebrating with you."

But now, it sounds like you have discussed so many details, including dresses (!), therefore there is no way to have her not be in the party without ending the friendship.

Drama Queen Bridesmaid

Re: Drama Queen Bridesmaid

Choose Another Board

Search Boards